"i guess i'm giving up two things at the same time..." (smallish update, #11) - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 11 Old 11-21-2008, 04:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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so said my dear.
"what's that?"
"nursing and not liking toast crusts."

and so it goes. and i guess the whole point is that it be an anti-climactic shift. that this process that you've poured yourself into, the building of a life and a food and a dance and a link is dismantled so slowly as to be left lonely on the plate on the same day that the tiny square of reassembled toast crusts is mysteriously absent.
five and a half.
another surprise. and i am mournful. that too is a surprise.
i had a little silver locket for her with her name and a wee bird engraved. it was for school starting but the engraving took too long and somehow it became for this which was perfect because i never could have planned for this because i never could allow myself to believe it would happen. at two and a half? never. three and a half? never. four and a half? never. now? never.


it's gone.


it's, over.
and that same day she says, "did anyone ever talk to you about my nursing so long?"
"sure, sometimes."
"and what did you say to them?"
"i told them you would stop when you were ready."
her smile then was unspeakable.
she needed it everyday that she had it and now she doesn't need it anymore.
i thought once it happened i would sort of get it.
but i don't get it.
and a month later i am suddenly sad.
it's over.
that was so remarkable! and so nothing; so perfectly, exactly, normally, nothing.
so much so that it's hard to miss.
but it's so familiar that it suddenly dawns on me: it is exactly (tritely) like finishing a book. it's aching me to close this back cover. to know that i can revisit this anytime but i'll never be in it again. no visits. just revisits. i am lonesome for all the characters that we were and the needs we both had and even the boring parts. i want to sit there engrossed in the book again before i knew what happened and wonder at it all.
i am not so good at these. these cord shrivelings and hair cuttings and weanings.

we are sitting around and a mama friend is speaking about food and babies and differences and vaguely about the road less traveled and misunderstandings and my daughter fiercely whispers in my ear that i should tell her about how people used to ask when she was going to stop nursing. so i told. tearily. and the cover seemed easier to shut.

i'm so glad i read that book. i'm so glad i read it to her in particular because she listened to every word.
never. never has something been more worth it.
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#2 of 11 Old 11-21-2008, 09:05 AM
 
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Thank you for writing this. You describe it so sweetly.

Andrea , wife to Mark , mama to Taylor Elise (2) and Aurora Evelyn (born 8/17/10!)
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#3 of 11 Old 11-21-2008, 10:57 AM
 
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Beautiful mama, just beautiful. made me tear up.
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#4 of 11 Old 11-21-2008, 11:41 AM
 
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That is absolutely beautiful.
You really captured the essence of it, thank you!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#5 of 11 Old 11-21-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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Do you mind if I email it to a friend?

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#6 of 11 Old 11-21-2008, 02:47 PM
 
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Wow, that was really sweet.

 

 

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#7 of 11 Old 11-22-2008, 04:46 PM
 
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and and
Thank you for posting this.
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#8 of 11 Old 11-22-2008, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LavenderMae View Post
Do you mind if I email it to a friend?
by all means! i'm touched.

thank you for the kind comments, mamas.
the support, wisdom, and stories i have read in this forum were invaluable. i am eternally thankful.
:
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#9 of 11 Old 11-23-2008, 10:45 AM
 
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Thank you!! My friend's last child weaned last year when she was 5 and I think my friend will appreciate what you've written.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#10 of 11 Old 11-25-2008, 02:21 AM
 
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: that is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing!

Mommy to a wonderfully passionate little one
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#11 of 11 Old 12-05-2008, 01:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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just a quick update: my five and a half year old has recently informed me that if wasn't actually child-led weaning due to the fact that many months ago she took a two week break from nursing when i was bitten by a deer tick and was contemplating temporarily weaning my younger child. a well respected naturopath was concerned that the spirochete bacteria would be passed through breastmilk to my nurslings. she decided for herself at the time that she "didn't want to risk it" even though i kept nursing the baby. apparently she "just got used to not nursing" and isn't really done and was very upset about the whole thing (which was so SAD!). i told her to keep thinking about it and let me know what her thoughts are. i also explained that i had thought it would feel like a celebration, but that i, too, was unexpectedly sad.
when i used to come to this forum and read about mamas who were nursing 5 year olds but saying that they didn't really fully "do" CLWing i never understood. and now i have thought to myself, "oh, well, it maybe wasn't really CLWing (for me - in my view in this situation) because i chose to become pregnant (twice) and i had my limits, very few, but there they were."
but i never imagined that the person telling me that we didn't really wean by following the child's lead would be the child!

most pointedly she told me, "i think that i'm really done needing to nurse, but i just wish i was still a nursling."
i think she may have my disease of change being hard and endings near impossible.
heaven help her, sweet little nursling.

that's probably my last about her in this forum.
change is hard.
thank you again to all the mamas who've shared their stories.
i am beyond grateful.
aileen
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