MIL is worried I'll nurse too long! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 04-22-2005, 10:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My MIL visited this afternoon and asked me when my son would stop being breastfed. I told her it was up to him when he would be finished. He is only 8 months old now and I told her I wouldn't be opposed to him breastfeeding even if he was 2 yrs old.

She said, "I just don't want him to be 5 years old and trying to breastfeed. I mean, I just don't want him to be going to school and breastfeeding!"

I couldn't help myself, but I said, "Well, we are going to be homeschooling, so that won't be an issue."

I mean, why is it so taboo to nurse your children past 6 months old. They are all freaking out because he isn't eating solids yet. He is just an infant...I just felt so angry with her for her stupidity. I hate to put it that way, but there it is.

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#2 of 31 Old 04-22-2005, 10:40 PM
 
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In all honesty, I think MIL should butt out. : Unless she is part of the breastfeeding relationship, she should have no say in it.
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#3 of 31 Old 04-22-2005, 11:07 PM
 
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People used to ask me when I was planning to wean. Now my son is 27 mos. and I am pregnant with my 2nd and still nursing 20+ times a day. no one asks anymore.

8 months old? Sheesh. I'll bet my bottom dollar your MIL fed formula?
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#4 of 31 Old 04-22-2005, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You're right. She did feed her kids formula.

I still don't understand how she is so against breastfeeding when she sees how healthy my son is. He hasn't been sick yet, at all. He is gaining weight consistantly.

Is it that they can't stand to see such a close bond. Do they feel left out of the relationship? He is my son and he needs my breastmilk for nutrition. He also likes to be comforted by sucking. It is a good thing.

I just thought people close to me would be supportive of me doing the right thing by my son and myself. But they aren't. I guess more than anything I feel shocked that this ignorance abounds.

Our bodies where made to support life in the womb and out of it. I know I'm preaching to the choir here but I just need to vent to others who understand where I'm coming from. Thanks for the support.

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#5 of 31 Old 04-22-2005, 11:32 PM
 
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Well, hmmmm.... why is she even saying things like "I don't want him..." whatever! SHE doesn't get to claim the "I" to be in charge! LOL.

Yah, mothers. Ugh. my ds is 2. Just yesterday my own mother said that "everyone" was talking about how gross it was for me to still be nursing him. And that "everyone" thought I shouldn't do it in public. On and on until I felt like a perversed lunatic! When she left I relived the conversation w/ my dh and he had the right of mind to remind me that Baylor hadn't asked to nurse in public for almost 4 months... so the "everyone" she was talking about was really NO ONE! lol.
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#6 of 31 Old 04-22-2005, 11:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *~Danielle~*
She said, "I just don't want him to be 5 years old and trying to breastfeed. I mean, I just don't want him to be going to school and breastfeeding!"

I couldn't help myself, but I said, "Well, we are going to be homeschooling, so that won't be an issue."
Throw in that you are willing to bunk in at the dorms and you're golden.

I'm sorry she is getting you down. Is she open to being educated? There are links at kelly mom outlining the benifits of extended nursing (or if she would *really* read, Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives is excellent).

I think your come back was excellent, though. It didn't back down at all, but wasn't offensive/mean.

 

 

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#7 of 31 Old 04-23-2005, 12:59 AM
 
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My MIL used to feed dd formula too much when I dropped dd at their home. Her motive was to limit dd from bfing. I think she is an evil. I just hate her !! She always think she is tbe best mother !! Her 1st has greenish teesth due too many meds growing up. My dh has a lazy eyes due to seizure, and her 3rd is deaf due to the same reason. And who the F is she to tell me how to feed my baby ?
I think some women just never grow up !!
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#8 of 31 Old 04-23-2005, 03:15 PM
 
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Some of her issues may have to do with the "independence" issue. Many people see attachment-type parenting as mamas smothering their kids and creating children who will remain overly attached to their parents and therefore not independent. In a society of "detachment parenting" where people believe that in order for a child to learn independence s/he needs to be detached from parents at an early age, it doesn't surprise me when people make these remarks and believe they're true. It makes me sad. I wish people would realize that an independent person is created when a child's needs are met, when a child has an attached relationship with parents, when a child feels safe in his or her environment, and when a child knows s/he can count on mama/daddy to be there and be supportive. By breastfeeding our children until they no longer have the need to nurse, we're giving them a very good start on being independent!

She may also not have experience with anyone nursing a child who is not an infant, and it could just be plain strange to her.

She may also be feeling a bit guilty that she didn't give her kids the best possible nutrition when they were infants/etc.

I LOVE your response. I've used the same one (for sustained breastfeeding, non-vaxing, etc.).

I agree with the others. YOU are your child's Mama, not her. She has absolutely no say. If she really gets on your nerves, tell her you've done your research (have some pro-sustained nursing articles on hand!) and ask her to see hers. If she can't back it up, it's her problem! Oh...and if she asks "When are you going to wean?" or something similar, you may want to say (in a sweet tone of voice with a big, interested smile on your face!), "Why do you want to know?" That may give her the message that it's truly none of her business.

I also want to thank you for reminding me once again what a blessing it is to have a retired La Leche League Leader for a MIL!

Mama to A (12), Z (11), H (9), C (5), A (3) and 4 angels. 

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#9 of 31 Old 04-23-2005, 03:20 PM
 
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So sad what can be said out of ignorance! So many people in her generation are so clueless. . .but she probably has good intentions in mind. Just take a deep breath in and out and thank goodness he is your baby and not hers. . .

Sarah

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#10 of 31 Old 04-23-2005, 03:31 PM
 
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My father acted the same way when I told him that I planned on bf my ds until he no longer felt the need to, which could be a couple of yrs. He thought it was gross and said "They only do that in backwards societies." Alas, I was bottlefed, and he doesn't know anything about breastfeeding. He tried to tell me to give my ds cereal in a bottle when he was only 2 mo. so he would quit nursing so often. : I had to show him a paper the pediatrician gave to me that specifically stated "Do NOT give cereal in a bottle to your child!" before he would listen. I've found that my dad isn't that interested in learning the facts about it though, so I'll have to ignore his ignorance.

To the pp who said your MIL is evil. I know how you feel too! I'm afraid to ever let my ds stay at my in laws even when he's older. One time when we went over there, they were giving my nephew koolaid in a sippy when he was 8 mo. That's ridiculous, even if he was bottle fed.

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#11 of 31 Old 04-23-2005, 03:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by apri4
My MIL used to feed dd formula too much when I dropped dd at their home. Her motive was to limit dd from bfing.
Did you leave EBM when you dropped her off? Was she supposed to be feeding her at all? How did you find out she was doing this? Anyone who snuck my baby formula, or any other junk I didn't want her to have, would lose contact with her pretty darn quick!
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#12 of 31 Old 04-24-2005, 02:47 PM
 
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My mil asked me also at 8 mo- how long will he be on the breast. I said well the *minimum* recommendation is 1 yr and we like to do the best for our child, so it will be well past a year and breastfeeding is beneficial no matter how long they nurse for. I am with you - it is so annoying to have people so "ignorant" try to tell you what is best- as if they have a say in how you raise "your" child. urgh. My in-laws were feeding my sick neice (whose the same age as Luke) dessert pastry for breakfast and milk and thought it was oh so "cute" I wanted to vomit- I left early. It is better not to waste your breath with some people...

edited- because lil; man hit the submit button too soon!!.

Happily Married to my : 11 yrs- Mama to wild-eyed monkey boy 7-04, fiery little girl 4-07, and the happy smiley baby that sleeps 11-09!
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#13 of 31 Old 04-24-2005, 02:56 PM
 
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My MIL thought there was no reason to nurse beyond THREE MONTHS!! She never even tried to nurse her children, and neither did two of her three daughters. But what kills me, is that my grandmother, who always bragged so much about having nursed all eight of her children, weaned them at three months, too! (Gramma and MIL are about the same age, FWIW)
She quit asking me how long Jenny was going to nurse after the first year. She did make a silly comment when I was pregnant with the little one about how it's a good thing she had weaned, and DH had to set her straight :LOL The look on her face was simply priceless! It's not a subject she ever brings up anymore. *snort*
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#14 of 31 Old 04-24-2005, 04:13 PM
 
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Sounds a lot like my MIL.

The only thing that really bothers me is that my neice who is about 5 months old has been formula fed since she was under a week old and I always hear "Look Jenn,babies can grow big and strong when they eat formula" and about how the DHA etc formula my neice drinks is "just like breastmilk". *Sigh*

I do feel for you, really I do. You're doing a good job try not to let it bother you.


Jenn
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#15 of 31 Old 04-24-2005, 07:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OlfactoryHues
The only thing that really bothers me is that my neice who is about 5 months old has been formula fed since she was under a week old and I always hear "Look Jenn,babies can grow big and strong when they eat formula"
Jenn
Jenn,
did you tell her that formula-fed babies are the ones who are skewing all the weight charts so that our healthy, bfed babes look like malnourished little waifs? :LOL

My SIL (who is a self-proclaimed "expert" on all issues child-related because she has three, and frequently sends us the newest hottest electronic [and annoying] toys, as well as coupons for those boxed toddler meals ["because they're SO expensive!"]) only BFed her kids for six weeks. She was giving me funny looks last summer when we were all on vaca with her, b/c I was BFing (almost exclusively) 1-y.o. DS. Can't wait to see what she has to say about it this summer, when he'll be almost 2! Hee hee.

A lot of the BFing "wisdom" when our mothers and even grandmothers were nursing (or not) said that it wasn't necessary, or formula was just as good or better, or that three months/six months/etc. was enough. They're a product of their generations and socialization, and of the formula companies' propaganda, so you can forgive them a *bit* of their ignorance. But pointing them to current research, if they're open to that, might help. And if not, the old fallback that several others have mentioned is that it's YOUR body, and YOUR baby. And those two are the only factors that really matter.

Anyhoo, just wanted to let the OP know that you're not alone, and you're fighting the good fight! You know that what you're doing is right. Trust your instincts, mama, and those of your baby.

~Nick
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#16 of 31 Old 04-26-2005, 08:22 PM
 
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My grandmother used to ask how much longer I planned on nursing dd. : I said, "As long as she wants it!"
I love and miss my grandma, but I'm glad I don't have to listen to that same crap about ds.
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#17 of 31 Old 04-27-2005, 09:31 PM
 
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I am trying very hard to not be irritated at MIL because we do love her, and the vast majority of the time she is very MHOB.

But when she came over for cake and ice cream for DD's 6th birthday Sunday, one of the first things she was gushing about was how DD's not a baby anymore. Well duhhhhh nobody's treating her like one. Where she sleeps (as we're planning to totally rearrange the house in the summer when we carpet and paint and thus she is still in our room in her own bed) and that she chooses to nurse occasionally don't mean she's being treated like a baby.

"What will you do once you know?"
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#18 of 31 Old 04-28-2005, 10:57 AM
 
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How annoying! It is none of her business!

I know my MIL doesn't approve of me still nursing our 2-year-old, but she is very respectful and bites her tongue.
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#19 of 31 Old 04-28-2005, 11:38 AM
 
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Aren't mother-in-law's GREAT?!?! My mother in law objects to almost everything I do-- or say. :

She told me "I bottle fed my kids because I like to eat Chili"
LOL oh man, she is somethin else!

But MY mother is the one who always coments on my nursing my children. When my first was 6 months she told me to put her on formula, when she was 1 year she told me to only give her solid food when she was 2 she thought I was just totally nuts. now after nursing 2 children for 2.5years each with #3 she is CONSTANTLY telling me "you will loose weight faster if you stop breastfeeding" "you will be a happier person if you'd just stop nursing" "I feel like you dont take care of yourself, you need to quit breastfeeding and worry about you" He is 8th months!!!
Now, I have no idea where she is getting these ideas!?!?
I just know what I am doing for my children is what is best for us... and its not even worth the argument anymore because its just so far fetched.

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#20 of 31 Old 04-28-2005, 11:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OlfactoryHues
Sounds a lot like my MIL.

The only thing that really bothers me is that my neice who is about 5 months old has been formula fed since she was under a week old and I always hear "Look Jenn,babies can grow big and strong when they eat formula" and about how the DHA etc formula my neice drinks is "just like breastmilk". *Sigh*

I do feel for you, really I do. You're doing a good job try not to let it bother you.


Jenn
This reminds me of something my childless single older brother told me.... "I trust science more than nature... formula is better for babies"
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it got ugly!

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#21 of 31 Old 05-05-2005, 09:59 PM
 
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As a student of anthropology, I just find that statement so completely absurd...

Last time I checked, science was all about studying nature...

What he's maybe saying is that he trusts technology more than nature?

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#22 of 31 Old 05-06-2005, 04:37 PM
 
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Sorta , but may be a helpful response. We take Emma to a chiropracter. We had planned to nunrse until 2 yo and then wean, but our chiro was telling me that people's immune systems are fully formed in the first 3 years and are not fully formed until 3 yo. So I asked her if that meant we should wait longer to wean and she explained to me that it's something that should happen naturally, not just because of comfort issues, but because they still get antibodies from breastmilk and you never know what a child needs. So even though AAP says the minimum is 1 year, the real minimum is 3 years, because they still need the immune help, unless the child tells you otherwise. Hope this helps, I know it helped me. I'd definitely love to see some research on this if anyone knows of any.

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#23 of 31 Old 05-06-2005, 05:28 PM
 
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JoyofBirth, thanks for that information! My ds is two on Tuesday and I have no intention of weaning him anytime soon, but it's always great to hear about the benefits of nursing even longer than one or 2 years.

mostly WAHM, sometimes WOHM to my : two boys.
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#24 of 31 Old 05-06-2005, 05:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoyofBirth
Sorta , but may be a helpful response. We take Emma to a chiropracter. We had planned to nunrse until 2 yo and then wean, but our chiro was telling me that people's immune systems are fully formed in the first 3 years and are not fully formed until 3 yo. So I asked her if that meant we should wait longer to wean and she explained to me that it's something that should happen naturally, not just because of comfort issues, but because they still get antibodies from breastmilk and you never know what a child needs. So even though AAP says the minimum is 1 year, the real minimum is 3 years, because they still need the immune help, unless the child tells you otherwise. Hope this helps, I know it helped me. I'd definitely love to see some research on this if anyone knows of any.


But I'm pretty sure that number is increased to 6-7 years or more. I know with my dd, after she weaned at 7 she caught every virus out there and was constantly sick, when before she weaned she was rarely sick. The good thing is that when she does get sick it is usually very mild and short. So the immunity boost is lasting beyond her nursing years.
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#25 of 31 Old 05-06-2005, 07:03 PM
 
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Okay, I did a web search on when the immune system matures and I got everything (from "experts" and hearsay) from 1 month to 8 years. I think it is safe to correct myself and say that anyone's immune system will greatly benefit from breastmilk, regardless of age. I've read that even some cultures give their elderly breastmilk, so I don't think age is an issue at all. But as to when the immune system fully matures....that answer seems to be up in the air. Nevertheless, here are some links:


http://www.lalecheleague.org/FAQ/prevention.html
Quote:
Research shows your child's immune system will not be fully mature for many years. While it is developing, he will be protected by being breastfed.
Breastmilk is liquid gold, and it's yours to give!

http://www.healthychild.com/database...breastmilk.htm
Quote:
Long-term breastfeeding and natural weaning (letting your child decide when to wean) is by far the healthiest and builds a healthy immune system.
And last but not least, I personally would replace the word "baby" with "child", but these are still excellent articles with even more links within them...
http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/mi...nefactors.html

http://www.kellymom.com/newman/21bf_toddler.html


There are so many more sites to go through, probably some better than the ones I gave, but I have to go help my dd and friend rinse bottles for recycling.
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#26 of 31 Old 05-07-2005, 12:04 AM
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My MIL is kind of like that too...and our baby isn't even born yet!!!

She is like, "when they are old enough to ask for it, they are old enough to wean"...and other similar enraging comments...

I just laughed (while wanting to hit her) and lightly said with another (painful) laugh.... "I am sure glad my parents didn't stop feeding me when I could ask for food!!!" (I wasn't breastfed but I meant like, any food)

Anyway, I am just planning to do what I want and nod and smile until things get really insulting...I mean, if it comes from a place of ignorance or whatever, I can be diplomatic---but if it got to where someone had the absolute balls of STEEL to feed my child formula or something...
well...no more trips to grandma's I am afraid...
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#27 of 31 Old 05-07-2005, 12:29 AM
 
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I have always felt that it should be between mama and child, not anyone else.
I dont get why folks think that it is their business. To me it seems a personal thing and rude for other to offer their two cents.
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#28 of 31 Old 05-07-2005, 12:42 AM
 
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Mother Sunshine

Ravin, I agree...what a strange comment :

~Joan, Happy mom to 2 beautiful kiddos, one new puppy and 2 lovely felines
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#29 of 31 Old 05-10-2005, 04:13 PM
 
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BTW, here are some excellent links from Momtwice ( I wish I would have remembered this post before I went searching for myself :LOL)....

https://mothering.com/discussions/sho...23&postcount=2
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#30 of 31 Old 05-10-2005, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I appreciate the quotes as well and will reference them to my MIL.

I'm glad we've got this forum to support eachother. I feel discouraged when I focus on the negativity that surrounds my parenting style and ideals. But when I come here and get your stories and advice, it makes things seem clearer. Thanks.

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Most users ever online was 21,860, 06-22-2018 at 08:45 PM.