"I don't want to nurse you anymore..." - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 09:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I said this to my 4 year old today.


Now what? I said it in a stressed, sad and weepy moment when I was feeling touched out. Sad thing is I think I really mean it.

How do you cope with believing in CLW and having these feelings. If I continue to nurse him with him knowing how I feel, what is that teaching him?

I am a bit lost and sad right now...please no flames.
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#2 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 09:18 PM
 
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I've had moments like that. Probably said it too. Wait and see how you feel in a day or two or a week.

-Angela
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#3 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Really?

I feel very isolated with these types of feelings. I know one other extended breastfeeder IRL at LLL. She seems to not have any of these issues. While I know they are "normal" feelings, I still harbor some guilt about it. I feel like I "should" love nursing him all the time. I feel Like I am breaking his heart. I have felt done nursing him for a while...still waiting for those feelings to dissipate.
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#4 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 10:16 PM
 
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I'm sorry! I'm at the point right now where I want to say that to my son as well... see my post "Is this it?" Right now his nursing makes my skin crawl and he cannot get my milk to let down. (DD who is 13 mo has no problem.)

It's OK to not want to do it anymore. Sometimes it can be hard to get through the rough patches. I agree with Angela, just take it one day at a time and see how things go. And I hope you are feeling better.

Sometimes meeting our kids' needs IS hard, and I know I don't always feel positive about it, especially when I don't get enough sleep (all the time) and I am over-needy myself.

I've always thought I'd let my kids nurse as long as they wanted but the way my son nurses now, OH it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. I am sad though too, because I didn't want it to be this way in the end. I was hoping he would just decide he was too grown up and done, that's how I always pictured and hoped it would end. I am sad that I feel so bad and negative when he tries to nurse.

Not sure how much this helps but now that I am nearing weaning with my first child, I am finding out that it can bring about a lot of mixed feelings.
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#5 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 10:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soybeansmama View Post
I said this to my 4 year old today.


Now what? I said it in a stressed, sad and weepy moment when I was feeling touched out. Sad thing is I think I really mean it.

How do you cope with believing in CLW and having these feelings. If I continue to nurse him with him knowing how I feel, what is that teaching him?

I am a bit lost and sad right now...please no flames.
I would talk to him about it... i would explain what you meant, what other feelings you have, that this is not your only or dominant feeling about nursing him (in accessible language of course). I would probably tell mine too that mamas start to feel like this when their kids get bigger and the time for weaning draws nearer, that it is normal, to reassure that it's not about the child specifically and not about your love for him.

I wouldn't just leave it and keep nursing, because yeah I would worry about what it is teaching him.

Oh! I just saw you said "sad thing is I think I really mean it..." If that is the case, if it *is* your dominant feeling about nursing, I would wean.
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#6 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 10:30 PM
 
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You can't necessarily control how you feel about tandem nursing. For some women, it's such a visceral response that it overrides all logic.

If you do feel this way, your job (as I see it) is to mend any brokenness that you may inadvertantly caused and then move on. Dwelling on it won't help anything, you know?

He knows you love him. And it's okay for you to feel done with nursing, even if you continue. I know it's hard.
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#7 of 22 Old 04-01-2008, 11:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I certainly didn't expect to feel this way...the skin crawly feeling is something that has been happening since I was pregnant. During my pregnancy we started a token system where he was given 2 nursing tokens everyday. I covered 2 gatorade lids with foil and put sparkly rhinestones on them. I really feel like it alleviated so much anxiety about "when is he going to ask" and "when is she going to nurse me" there were clear expectations...

anyway, I feel spent these days and 2 times a day is even a lot to deal with with and 8 month old that is exclusively breastfed. There is a part of me that feels good about telling Sawyer "I love you so much, I nursed you for 4 years." Another part of me feel s like that time is merely a flash...

anyway, I realize that I have things to figure out. thanks for all your words.
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#8 of 22 Old 04-02-2008, 03:27 AM
 
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It's also ok to wean, if you are truly done. I always thought I would CLW, but both kids ended up getting over 4 years and then I was DONE!! It's far more hurtful to resent your child than to wean lovingly.

If you can power through it and continue your nursing relationship with your son, then good for you! If you can wean lovingly, then good for you! What an amazing gift you've already given your son -- I am in no way encouraging you to wean, but don't feel like a failure if you do decide that weaning is right for your family.

It's a hard decision,

We're Tiffani , Mark , Lucy (9/99) , Dexter (8/01) ,and Zachary Marvin (3/07) and Naomi Rose (6/09), home 11/10, by way of Ugandan adoption.

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#9 of 22 Old 04-02-2008, 12:04 PM
 
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My daughter is younger (2.5 yrs) but I just wanted to say that I definitely have these kinds of feelings. My DD has always been a high needs kid and sometimes nurses as often as a newborn. I have moments when I want to scream that I can't do this anymore. Just wanted to say you are not alone and should certainly not feel guilty. Four years is awesome and you should be so proud whatever you decide!

, , , , , to DD1 (4.5 years old) and DD2 (7 months) and 2
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#10 of 22 Old 04-02-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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Be gentle on your child and yourself.

I started to feel that way intensely when I was pregnant at about 4 months both times. I had to stop nursing. I believe that it is a sign from my body that I couldn't handle it anymore, and my body and brain where ganging up on my intent.

I had to wean, because I could not get over it and felt I had to honour my body's limitations.

I am sorry. Be gentle to yourself. Find some replacement time with your child for "loves." It will be okay.
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#11 of 22 Old 04-05-2008, 12:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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just wanted to update...

first of all, thanks for the support everyone. this is really the only place, besides LLL, that I feel understood.

I kept reciting in my head the last couple days the messege from LLL about "weaning gradually with love..." and I realized that WE HAVE BEEN...for the last year or so. It's not a sudden decision that will upset his entire universe. We have been preparing for a while now. I appreciated the reminder from you, DEMETER9, about finding replacements. We sat down together at the computer and make a poster entitled "Instead of nursing, I want to..." and made a huge list of things like Go on a bus ride, find bugs outside, read a book, have a pillow fight, paint a picture, cook with mommy, etc. By the time we were done, he said in an enthusiastic voice, " I am not going to have nursin anymore!"

I realize this technically makes me a CLW dropout, but I am feeling more loving toward him since we have made this decision. The lifelong relationship is far more worth saving than a breastfeeding relationship that is going sour.

Thanks to all...I feel pretty damn good about my 53 months nursing him...
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#12 of 22 Old 04-05-2008, 12:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soybeansmama View Post
Really?

I feel very isolated with these types of feelings. I know one other extended breastfeeder IRL at LLL. She seems to not have any of these issues. While I know they are "normal" feelings, I still harbor some guilt about it. I feel like I "should" love nursing him all the time. I feel Like I am breaking his heart. I have felt done nursing him for a while...still waiting for those feelings to dissipate.
Ask her, I'll bet she does. s mama. We all feel that way sometimes. I know I do.
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#13 of 22 Old 04-06-2008, 07:46 PM
 
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Just wanted to give you a and I hope you are doing alright.
I have never felt like I do not want to nurse, but I have felt touched out.
I am sure you are not alone in your thoughts of wanting to stop nursing.
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#14 of 22 Old 04-06-2008, 07:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soybeansmama View Post

I realize this technically makes me a CLW dropout, but I am feeling more loving toward him since we have made this decision. The lifelong relationship is far more worth saving than a breastfeeding relationship that is going sour.

Thanks to all...I feel pretty damn good about my 53 months nursing him...
Congratulations mama! I hope you feel wonderful about the 53 months nursing and the gentle weaning you have done, and about your work to respect both him AND you in this. I'm very happy for you guys!
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#15 of 22 Old 04-06-2008, 11:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks thismama and doriansmummy...

It's been emotional weekend, but I feel really good about things. Sawyer is not bitter. He was ready and needed to feel my love in other things. I feel like I have grown as a mommy in the last couple days. motherhood is such a spiritual scavenger hunt for me and I feel like I just found a prize.

Sawyer got a big boy speed racer bike as a weaning present from his grandma and grandpa. I weeped like a baby in Toys R Us today as he rode the thing around the store and then again when the baby took his first bite of food in his high chair this evening. I am on the mommy rollercoaster and it's going so fast I don't know if I want to barf or laugh...

Anyway, I feel like a weight has been lifted. My heart is not so heavy these days...
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#16 of 22 Old 04-07-2008, 02:10 AM
 
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This thread looks like it's going great, but I have to remind you, MDC is the only place where there'd even be a possibility of getting flamed for weaning a four year old

I, too, have felt this way. I weaned my first at 4.5 years old. My second is almost 4 now. Ever since the beginning of my third pregnancy - since November 2006 - I could hardly stand to nurse my second son. I got him to let me take a month off right before the baby was born. (So I had July 2007 'off'). Then I let him start nursing again once the baby was born. I made it until about a month ago, but really could not stand the nursing. I HATED it. I would avoid my son because I was afraid he might want to nurse. I had very negative feelings about him when we nursed. He was sad about the 'forced' weaning, but everything is so much better now. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but then I remind myself that I nursed him almost FOUR YEARS. That's not a record by a long shot, but it's something. Alegna's advice to wait a few days is good, but don't torture yourself and your son for as long as I did.

~~~

ETA: OK, now that I actually read your post, I see that you did wean. I'll leave my advice for any mamas reading along
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#17 of 22 Old 04-07-2008, 02:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by soybeansmama View Post
just wanted to update...

first of all, thanks for the support everyone. this is really the only place, besides LLL, that I feel understood.

I kept reciting in my head the last couple days the messege from LLL about "weaning gradually with love..." and I realized that WE HAVE BEEN...for the last year or so. It's not a sudden decision that will upset his entire universe. We have been preparing for a while now. I appreciated the reminder from you, DEMETER9, about finding replacements. We sat down together at the computer and make a poster entitled "Instead of nursing, I want to..." and made a huge list of things like Go on a bus ride, find bugs outside, read a book, have a pillow fight, paint a picture, cook with mommy, etc. By the time we were done, he said in an enthusiastic voice, " I am not going to have nursin anymore!"

I realize this technically makes me a CLW dropout, but I am feeling more loving toward him since we have made this decision. The lifelong relationship is far more worth saving than a breastfeeding relationship that is going sour.

Thanks to all...I feel pretty damn good about my 53 months nursing him...
the image of you and your child making that list is so beautiful; thank you for sharing it.
congratulations on 53 months!
it's funny, the past five years of nursing have contributed so much toward helping me (slowly, it feels like today...) become the mama i want to be, but i don't feel like a good/evolving mama because i'm nursing. nursing just keeps me checking in and your story is such a lovely reminder to keep checking, to keep becoming, and to let go and let the kite strings out a little and soar a little higher.
much love to you,
(um, i wanted to put a little beating heart thingy here but i can't find it)
thump-thump.
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#18 of 22 Old 04-07-2008, 11:00 AM
 
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Congratulations on finding a solution that works well for both you and your beloved boy. (And on almost 4 1/2 yrs of nursing). Good on you...I think it's so interesting that he was so receptive to the weaning, almost like your body ickies were also communicating to you about his needs, as well as your own.

I had the same experience with my son at that age...

My homeopath would smile and wisely say how connected we all are together in physical ways.
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#19 of 22 Old 04-07-2008, 11:37 AM
 
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At least you were truthful about how you felt. I think its healthy for kids to hear things like that sometimes. Not everyone is happy 100% of the time, and they need to learn that. It doesn't necessarily mean you're going to wean, it just meant that at that particular moment in time you didn't want to nurse anymore. don't be hard on yourself mama
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#20 of 22 Old 04-07-2008, 01:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Congratulations on finding a solution that works well for both you and your beloved boy. (And on almost 4 1/2 yrs of nursing). Good on you...I think it's so interesting that he was so receptive to the weaning, almost like your body ickies were also communicating to you about his needs, as well as your own.

I had the same experience with my son at that age...

My homeopath would smile and wisely say how connected we all are together in physical ways.
YES... I love this and agree. My son and I are very connected and he could sense my ickies before I even said the words. I felt like he was relieved to hear them for some reason. Anyway, he is so strangley content. Still no asking about nursing. (since the 4th)

Thanks again everyone!
Jessica
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#21 of 22 Old 04-15-2008, 10:23 AM
 
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I have been saying this to my dd everyday for at least the past year, she turned five this past January and I have nursed her through three different pregnancies too. She just tells me, "that's OK, I still want to." We do for a few minutes at bedtime and it is over. Other times of the day except maybe early morning we do not nurse anymore. Maybe it is not CLW anymore but at her age we are in a process of discussing how we feel about nursing and talking about that it will end.
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#22 of 22 Old 05-21-2008, 12:51 PM
 
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Thank you every one for posting your insights and experiences on this this thread. Especially to you soybeansmama for opening up.
You make me feel better during a hard time.

and
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