when things don't go as planned (miscarraige) - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 01:40 PM - Thread Starter
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So I was filled with 11 weeks worth of "tissue" and a baby 2 weeks ago...now I am empty. I had two UC births and planned on this being one as well...

I went for a prenatal visit Monday with a midwife to determine my dates, as I was breastfeeding and had no clue if I was 2 months or 6 (I don't show much till about 7 months). She did an ultrasound to determine the date and discoverd the baby had no heartbeat. She encouraged me to let my body handle it on it's own (against the advice of the OB in her office) and told me the danger signs (not that I didn't know them, but I try not to ruffle their feathers too much...I just go for the info I want and let them feel somewhat important by letting them disperse their advice).

I went home and waited...it was a horrible wait. I wondered if it would really take 4 to 6 weeks for my body to realize it wasn't growing a baby anymore. I went from hopeful feelings to sad feelings...doubt and worry.

On Friday (4 days later) I started spotting....Friday night at 3 AM I woke up with contractions and heavy bleeding. I figured I lost about 2 gallons of blood (I am sure it was an over estimate but likely not too far off) and had blacked out twice. I didn't want to alarm my family in the middle of the night so I waited until about 7AM to ask for help. I am not one to ask for help much, nor do I like mainstream medicine, not to mention I avoid hospitals at all cost. The first thing out of my mouth was "I need help, take me to the hospital."

My husband took me to the hospital where I passed out for the third time and was rushed in. They found that my blood pressure was 57 over 32 and immediately hooked me up to IV and monitoring...it was surreal. I was fading in and out of consciousness and was unable to articulate my thoughts.

To make a long story short...I ended up witha D & C and methregine and all the hospital bells and whistles....but I don't know if I had any other choice. I asked to see my baby...and they acted like I was nuts...they beat around the bush and told me it wasn't a viable pregnancy and the baby was deceased prior to birth blah blah blah but after I pressured them the doctor blurted out "the baby was dismembered and you DO NOT want to see it....we can not allow it". I was shocked beyone words....livid. I tore into him and he proceeded to inform me that it was my body that caused the baby to be dismembered and he documented it on ultrasound prior to removing it along with a "significant amount of tissue." They didn't want to answer any of my questions about what meds they were giving me or why (they acted like I hadn't ought to ask...just be glad they are saving my life) and basically didn't offer me any options, sympathy, or concern other than making sure I recovered (which is nice and all, but I would have liked a little sympathy and patience).

I was moved to post partum where the room was all set up for a baby...but I had none....and could only imagine what had happened to mine. It was horrible and sad...

It left me wondering why I could have 2 UC's and my body did just fine....I did fine...my babies did fine - but I could not do this on my own ....if I hadn't gone in what would have happened? Where did my knowledge and will go ...

Anyway....I looked for stories I could relate to on the net and didn't find much detail...just medical jargon. I thought some of you who have or will deal with what I did, might appreciate knowing you are not alone.

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#2 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 03:32 PM
 
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Just want to offer a big and sympathy for the treatment from the doctors. We lost a pregnancy (was pg, but no baby, just a sac) before #3 and I opted for a D&C, it was horrific enough, I can't imagine having to have one

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
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#3 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 04:06 PM
 
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I don't know much about miscarriage, so I'm sorry I can't help you there. I'm sorry too that it was such a hard experience for you. Thank god medical care exists for when we truly need it (although they certainly could have been a little more compassionate about it.)
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#4 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 04:11 PM
 
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I don't have any answers. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and for the way they treated you in the hospital.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#5 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 04:33 PM
 
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I had an ectopic pregnancy where I was treated like crap, which lead my dh and me to seek alternative care when it came to our second pregnancy, who is now dd. Ds came along 18 mos later, and now I have just miscarried my fourth pregnancy. So, my body only knows how to do it right half the time! But, I really believe that dd is the same spirit as my first pregnancy, just deep down in my bones I believe it. I also believe that someday, I'll meet the spirit from this lost pregnancy as well. Maybe there was something wrong in the genetic makeup, which meant that this child couldn't live to it's fullest potential. I like to believe that these children are destined for greatness in some part of their lives, and they just want to be fully able to reach that potential...

Please don't beat yourself up. UC is great. However, what the doctors did for you (and for me with the ectopic pregnancy, and again after I hemhorraged 10 days after ds was born) is what they are SUPPOSED to be there for...for the off chance emergency when something just doesn't go quite right. They were also very unaccustomed to having an aware, educated patient when I was bleeding out after ds's birth. I was awake during the d&c and very calmly continued to ask questions about my care during the entire procedure. My doctor was disconcerted, I think, to have somebody who had a brain between her ears speaking to her during a procedure, but she answered my questions and even gave me more than I specifically asked for. I am so glad that I chose a CNM practice with docs who believe in evidence based care and who believe that women deserve to be a part of their own team of care. This was not at ALL the situation when I had the ectopic, and I understand what it means to be treated like dirt while going through such a horrible and chaotic loss.

Hugs, mama. Just because you had one miscarriage, doesn't mean you couldn't (if you chose) go on to have one or more more successful pregnancies, and you did your best, that's all you can do.

Mama to two awesome kids. Wife to a wonderful, attached, loving husband. I love my job-- I'm a Midwife, Doula and Childbirth Educator, Classes forming now!

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#6 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 06:29 PM
 
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I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and your experience at the hospital. It is not unusual, for the staff, not to show you your baby..unless you ask ahead of time especially a loss in early PG.

As traumatic as it was...I think you did the right thing going in...I have known moms who lost much blood during miscarriages, I don't know why sometimes that happens.

I had a (UM)....unassisted miscarriage at home at 14 weeks. I knew something was not right in my PG...didn't feel PG ever. Had two ultrasounds when I had bleeding, saw the heartbeat. Then went in for a reg. appointment and there was no heartbeat. It was soo soo sad.

They gave me the same option, I could go right over and have a d&c or let nature do what she needed. I DID not want a d&c!

I went home, did some herbs and acupressure points and a few days later..had contractions. THANKFULLY, she came out complete in her sack...with a little tiny placenta...and a little cord. It was amazing and sad at the same time. I had one doula friend with me..in the other room...and another arrived shortly after. We marveled at this little babe, they told me how beautiful she was. I wrapped her...in her... in her sack, in a baby blanket. We went outside, it was a beautiful Indian summer day, we picked some flowers for her.....then I dug a hole under a lilac bush...worked a bit..and passed the shovel. Made a nest of flannel and put her in and covered her up..then layed the flowers. We all spoke a prayer to her spirit and went inside and had a glass of wine toasting my little Eleanor.

It was a year of grief, hitting her due date was really hard...my family honored her then. I wrote her several letters. Have a little memory box...filled with everything I had, congrats on your PG cards then condolence cards, the few U/s pics, my baby name list etc. I cant describe how her small spirit impacted my life. I have since had another baby...which was wonderfully healing...a girl...who is my gift!

Take care...be kind to yourself..and when you have the strength...I would write the hospital a letter and let them know it would be a great thing, if they in the future...would ask moms who coming in miscarrying..if they would like to see the baby...regardless of the condition. I think we have the right to see our wee ones. Inform them how difficult your experience was...I ASSURE you, you are not the only one who wanted to see their baby.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Mary
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#7 of 11 Old 05-15-2006, 09:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doula mary
Take care...be kind to yourself..and when you have the strength...I would write the hospital a letter and let them know it would be a great thing, if they in the future...would ask moms who coming in miscarrying..if they would like to see the baby...regardless of the condition. I think we have the right to see our wee ones. Inform them how difficult your experience was...I ASSURE you, you are not the only one who wanted to see their baby.
I completely agree. I remember when I was younger when my Aunt discribed one of her miscarriages, and she recalled how sad she was that they refused to let her see the baby. I think it would bring a lot of healing and closure to women if they had that choice. I know I for one would want that if I was put in that situation.

Ame, lots of hugs for you, your little one who will always be in your heart, and your family.

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#8 of 11 Old 05-17-2006, 12:51 AM
 
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i'm sooooo sorry you were treated like that I had an unassisted miscarriage (1st pgcy) and saw him (before i gave him a burial flush) but with ds I needed the hospital (i thought) i'm so worried this time cuz i want a UC with ds#2 but i'm scared still. *sigh*

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#9 of 11 Old 05-17-2006, 12:53 PM - Thread Starter
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thank you all for your thoughtful responses...doula mary I was looking for stories like yours...

I believe there was a reason this baby didn't survive and I do appreciate that my body knew there was something not right and was able to prevent me from future heartache...

I am feeling better but I still wonder why I can birth without help...why I could do something that is likely one of the most physically and mentally challenging events of our lives BUT my body couldn't handle the delivery of a baby so tiny. To make matters worse "supposedly" my body caused my baby and it's placenta to be dismembered.

I don't know...when I had my first two I followed the doctors orders and didn't even know homebirth or midwives existed. When I reflected on their births I realized that I could have done it without all their annoying "proceedures" and that birth was a natural bodily function that wasn't meant to be medicalized. I researched and read and focused and planned and had my first UC with baby number three...it was perfect and wonderful and I wouldn't change it for the world... She ended up having abnormalities (blind, missing corpus collosum, microcephaly) that would have been a nightmare in a hospital but were very matter of fact becasue she was born at home. I went forward with number 4 at home and his birth was monumental....my labor was short and intenses just as it was with number 3 but he ended up being large and getting stuck (the first 3 were about 7 pounds - he was 11) and I often wonderd if my husband hadn't been there to help or if things hadn't gone as they did....would his birth have been tragic? If he had been born in the hospital would they have done a c-section or a huge episiotomy...

So here we are at number 5 and the baby didn't make it past 11 weeks...I can accept that and move forward but if I do and if there is a number 6 what will the outcome be? What if I am not as fortunate this time....what if what if what if. The what if's are enough to make you crazy.

CalebsMama05 I think that the most important part of UC is to believe you can and will be OK...we all have doubts along the way - it is part of the process but I beleive the mental block can be what causes the situations which cause us to seek medical help. Now having typed that out...I have to wonder if my not yet embracing this pregnancy and not having done the mental work for birth etc....maybe that is why I couldn't handle this birth on my own
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#10 of 11 Old 05-17-2006, 02:29 PM
 
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I carried around a big "what if" until Isabel was born. My loss was October 22, 1998 and my Izzy didn't arrive until September 7th 2001. That's a long time to wonder/worry if I would ever carry another baby.

To make matters worse, I bled with her...36 times in the first 16 weeks...so...I really thought I was losing her too. The joy of being PG was calmed a bit and replaced by fear. This is extremely common.

I think it is important..not to try again until you are ready...and only YOU will know when that is. I needed to wait quite awhile.

I you also correct in understanding, that your body..really did what it was supposed to. It's my understanding that 60% of losses before 12 weeks, there are genetic problems...not to say, that you DON'T love this baby. The pain of loss is still real and deserves to be honored.

After my loss, I had two friends that also lost babies...each of them two in a row. We had what we called "the nasty girl club" members...were mama's who had survived losing a child in PG. So...in 18 months we lost 5 babies. That said mc is very common, and part of having babies. Some women are lucky, and NEVER have one. Many women do though.

You will know, in your heart...what feels right and best for you. We have a few things we do...like at Halloween...each child gets a pumpkin, and we get a really little one for our lost child. Which was DS idea. We also have a small glass bear x-mas ornament...which was about the size of our baby...that we hang on the tree. Small little things, to keep her spirit in our hearts.

I must tell you, the immense pain..has indeed healed with time. I get a little teary in 10.22 and always will. Occasionally, I look through her memory box..and have a good weep...but I wouldn't have my Izzy..If I would have had Eleanor.

Mary
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#11 of 11 Old 05-17-2006, 06:38 PM
 
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I am feeling better but I still wonder why I can birth without help...why I could do something that is likely one of the most physically and mentally challenging events of our lives BUT my body couldn't handle the delivery of a baby so tiny.
I was talking to Pamamidwife recently about this -- I'm going to totally garble this I'm sure, and I don't totally understand it, but it sounded like it has something to do with the smaller volume of blood because the placenta is smaller, so it doesn't detach properly. Maybe she'll chime in here with a better explanation. Or you could post about it in the midwives forum.

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To make matters worse "supposedly" my body caused my baby and it's placenta to be dismembered.
The D&C dismembers the baby. I hope this doesn't upset you, it's not my intention but according to Pamamidwife the baby can begin to decompose if it's in there long enough after the heart stops beating. Maybe that's what the doctor was talking about seeing on the ultrasound. Or, maybe he just lied. Who knows. But I'm sorry you had to hear that and carry around that doubt about your body because of it.
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