Awful "barbeque" (dinner party) rant - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 12 Old 05-17-2014, 05:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We're graduating seniors, and a friend of ours (also graduating) and his family had a get-together last night for our friend and some of his other friends from school and his family, to celebrate that he's graduating and also so he could spend some time with his friends before we all go our separate ways. This friend loves our toddler, is really great with him, loves spending time with him, etc. He made it clear to us that he wanted our toddler to be there.

 

There was a long string of things that ended up turning it into a monstrous night. To start with, we'd been told dinner was starting at 6- no big deal, good time to eat, not too long. Within the first 15 minutes we mentioned, while both my friend and his parents were there, that we needed to head out by 8-8:30. No one expressed that this would be a problem. 7:30 rolled around with no sign of food and kiddo was starting to hit his limit. We really should have gone home when he started showing signs of upset, but we didn't want to let our friend down and we also were really hungry, so instead we took him into a dark and quiet room for some down time and hoped that'd be enough. While we were there, our friend's mother came in and told us that she didn't expect the baby to be there and that she had pushed our friend to see if we could get a babysitter- again, our friend told us that he really wanted our kid there. I'm guessing he didn't convey this to his mom, or she just didn't want to hear it.

 

Right before 8 they finally sat down to dinner and when we tried to, kiddo just kicked off and would not be soothed. We (my partner, me, and our friend- again, he really is great with this kid and really did want him here) tried to settle him, and his mother started saying "You know, you can go. This is [friend's] special night.".

 

I'm just feeling very upset by all of that. I really wish we had been told that our toddler wasn't welcome, or that it would take so long.  I'm really angry with his mother for her attitude. I'm frustrated that our friend didn't tell us his mom didn't want our kid there- then, I don't know that she made that clear to our friend. It sucks that one of the last chances to see our friend ended up being so horrible.


Two proud daddies and our little monster
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#2 of 12 Old 05-17-2014, 12:14 PM
 
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What a bummer...these kind of events really serve to remind me how child and mothering unfriendly north american culture can be. Hugs to you Mama!


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#3 of 12 Old 05-17-2014, 01:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wonder if it may be in part a middle+ class thing, because my family (overall lower class) has always done kid-friendly functions, which I think is in part because we don't expect people to be able to get babysitters.

 

It's not like that's the only time, though, we've gotten dirty looks for having our baby in various stores and such. It's really bad now that he's starting to walk. I really don't know what peoples' problem is, especially when the kid isn't causing problems or getting in your way.


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#4 of 12 Old 05-29-2014, 10:56 PM
 
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We all have to accept that babies and toddlers are part of human life and part of our own histories, as we were all babies and toddlers once. Don't ever apologize for the "inconvenience" of your toddler and rest assured that you are raising a child who will value himself as a part of his community. It is really just sad for that mother, who cannot seem to tolerate inconvenience, and hangs on to her vision of how her child's graduation will go (him in the spotlight, not inconvenienced by anyone). Your friend wanted your toddler to be there, and your friend's mothers behavior is none of your friend's responsibility. Keep the friend, ditch getting anything (respect, apology, etc.) from his mother. Imagine your friend explaining to his mother why your toddler "should" be there. He would be defending your toddler's right to "be" and his own past right to "be" as a toddler. It would be loaded, I think, considering her response to you. I think that through the generations we have the ability to heal our dominant culture's hatred of "neediness" and you are definitely doing your part, as is your friend for inviting you. The reality of children involves bedtime, fussy times, having to expend effort teaching, soothing, and parenting. It is wrong that you are identified as a problem, an inconvenience to your friend, the event, to her (his mother) because of your child's needs. You are not an inconvenience and neither is your child.

And please remember that graduation is not the end!! This experience doesn't have to "ruin" anything. These days you can talk via Skype, etc. - this isn't your last chance to see your friend. Don't let his experience divide you from your friend, if he is someone you value.
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#5 of 12 Old 05-30-2014, 03:25 AM
 
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Whoa, Friend's Mom displayed horrible manners! She basically told invited guests (you AND your toddler) of the guest of honor to leave and made you feel unwelcome!?! As one of the hostesses she should have offered some sort of snack for your little guy when it became obvious dinner was delayed in the first place!

I'm sorry you were treated that way, but don't feel bad, that was in no way your fault! Congrats on your graduation; I hope you had a nice night afterwards.
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#6 of 12 Old 05-30-2014, 06:45 AM
 
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Certainly, your friend's mother was rude. At the same time, you have to know when to pack it in and go home. When your toddler won't be soothed and is miserable it's a good time to call it quits.
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#7 of 12 Old 05-30-2014, 08:05 AM
 
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I'm sure you can understand wanting something to be special for your child? Perhaps the Mom didn't think your little one being there was a good idea and taking away from her "baby". I'm sure you can understand his idea and hers may not have been the same.

Kids aren't always welcome and that's life. If your kiddo wasn't welcome and started melting down that is really time to get out of there as it will only make things worse. Also if food was an issue, I think it would be wise to have a snack (ALWAYS) as you never know when things are going to be delayed.

I'm sorry it wasn't as you had hoped. Perhaps you can get out with your friend for a quick cup of coffee or something so the last visit isn't a bad memory.
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#8 of 12 Old 05-30-2014, 10:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I appreciate where she's coming from, but, frankly, I would have been LIVID if we had spent the money we can barely afford on a babysitter for two hours and then dinner had been that late.

Also, we did see him after. We had a belated birthday party for our baby when my mom could attend (ILs were supposed to be there as well) that he'd been invited to. I was so angry about what happened that I actually didn't want our friend to be there because I didn't want to see him. I'm still annoyed that he didn't tell us that his mom didn't want our baby there. If he'd just been honest, we could have sorted out something else instead of having to endure that- it doesn't help that he's one of those people that avoids confrontation like the plague and shuts down whenever someone is upset, so I couldn't even talk to him about it. But I know that our baby really likes him so I put aside my feelings for my baby's special day. These are the actions I expect of parents.

Her son had specifically invited our child to an event that was supposed to be about our friend. I get that their ideas weren't the same, but it doesn't really change the fact that she made this big deal about it being "his" day and then made it clear that a guest HE invited wasn't welcome.

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#9 of 12 Old 05-30-2014, 12:53 PM
 
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Why are you mad at this friend? Perhaps being angry at the Mom is a *little* understandable but he didn't do anything for yo to be angry about.

I think it's hard sometimes to remember that WE think our kids are awesome but that not everyone feels the say way. Perhaps your friend knew a sitter wouldn't be realistic for you guy and he was just trying to be nice to invite you all. Perhaps he didn't stress to the mom that it wasn't an option for you. In the end if you were already feeling the "unwelcome" vibe about it, perhaps cutting out even earlier would have been a better option instead of headed to meltdown town. It only emphasized the Mom's original ideas of things.
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#10 of 12 Old 09-09-2020, 01:17 AM
 
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Your kid was surely welcome, he's not to blame that your friend's mom is a fucking bitch. I am sorry to say that such things often in the hypocritical US society.
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#11 of 12 Old 09-09-2020, 01:35 AM
 
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That lady behaved like a real toxic bitch, no excuses. This makes me feel so sorry and relate actually. Some time ago I was visiting a friend in Australia. He was organizing a baby shower party for one of his brothers whose wife had just given birth. And I was eager to taste their famous Bigwig Jerky meat. While everybody was having fun there was this annoying granny whom everyone is trying to ignore but in the end the bitch gets to the bone. She noticed that one of the kids tore a flower or something from the backyard and put a scandal like the poor kid killed someone.
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#12 of 12 Old 09-13-2020, 06:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jrobertson1984 View Post
That lady behaved like a real toxic bitch, no excuses. This makes me feel so sorry and relate actually. Some time ago I was visiting a friend in Australia. He was organizing a baby shower party for one of his brothers whose wife had just given birth. And I was eager to taste their famous Bigwig Jerky meat. While everybody was having fun there was this annoying granny whom everyone is trying to ignore but in the end the bitch gets to the bone. She noticed that one of the kids tore a flower or something from the backyard and put a scandal like the poor kid killed someone.
My friend was just looking for this information. Thanks
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