So, what should I do to help out, or should I just not? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 11 Old 02-22-2006, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel bad, DH's cousin sent an e-mail about her DH losing his job 6 weeks ago, plus both of their cars (which they owe on) were wrecked (one wrecked, one caught fire). The one that caught on fire was totaled, but the ins. didn't pay the entire loan off, so they still owe on it. They also have a house payment, ect., and only 1 working car, and now only one job instead of two! She sounded really stressed out, and I would love to send some $$ or something to help, but DH says no. Basically, they have put themselves in the situation, bought new cars when they should have done used (like us). In her e-mail she says she is now looking for a "crap car" and never thought she'd have to ever get one (ummm.. I drove one for several years, and currently drive a 96 suburban we bought for $4500). They also spend $$ on lots frivolous things (usual cells, cable, internet, movies, eating out, clothes) just things in general that they do not need, but buy to keep up w/ the JOneses, KWIM? Honestly, they do spend way too much! They live much "higher" than we do, but we have more "money" in a way (like savings or investments). So, do you think I should send her some $$, or just offer support and a phone call, maybe a few books to read? Also, when she was complaining of having to work, I sent a very long e=mail detailing tons of ways to save $$, from insurance, downsizing the cars, cheap entertainment, to saving $$ on household things like cleaners, diapers, ect. That was a year or so back, and she didn't take any of the advice offered (I really did think she was wanting to know a few ways to cut the budget, and sent a list of things we do, it wasn't snarky or anything).

BTW, I know I don't post on this forum as much, but I always lurk, and I LOVE the advice given, and we do try to incorporate alot of the $$ saving tips into our lives!
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#2 of 11 Old 02-22-2006, 04:54 PM
 
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Honestly I'd do the phone call support (I'm assuming they live far away). If they had cut everything down to the bone and were struggling then maybe I'd help out, but I wouldn't give them money just to keep up an inflated lifestyle.

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#3 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 02:23 PM
 
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I wouldn't send $$! I don't lend/give money to friends or family in any case, because it just has the potential to get too messy too fast. I'd send them your best wishes and tell them you're sure it will turn around for them fast, you know how resilient they are, hang in there, etc etc. Maybe a reference to a book that you've found helpful, and leave it at that.
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#4 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 04:56 PM
 
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Money is not the answer to their problems and I really think that they need this opportunity to figure these things out for themselve. You can offer other kinds of support. Like inviting them to dinner (if they live close enough), giving them frugal book suggestions and the address of their local library, giving them copies of your most frugal recipes, and just maybe sharing some stories of your financial history and that of others. Tell them that a lot of people make it on only one income and that it will free up some time to make steps in saving money instead of spending it. Unless they come to saying that they are going to be homeless or have no money to buy food and are hungry I wouldn't help. I believe that people should be self sufficent (at least to a certain degree) and if you bail them out now they will never be able to handle it on thier own.

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#5 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 05:37 PM
 
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I'd send something that might help them out, like copies of your favorite frugality books if you're done with them, or a care package of food and recipes. If you live nearby enough, go over and make some freezer meals and leave the recipes. Honestly, they might read a book that's there already but not be willing to seek it out at the library. And having healthy meals available might help them feel better about cooking at home instead of eating out.

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#6 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 07:25 PM
 
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Honestly, I wouldn't send them the money. Not out of selfishness or anything, but I don't think it would be good for them in any way, really. If they were hungry or something, of course, but it sounds like they could learn a lot from the situation....plus things can get weird when money passes between family members. And your dh siad no, and I wouldn't make him upset to help out them......just my 2c...
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#7 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 07:32 PM
 
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I agree with the others. Help with emotional support and practical advice, and keep money out of it.

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#8 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 07:34 PM
 
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There are so many charities in the world who need funds to put food in mouths or protect basic human rights, if you need a worthy cause to part with some of your carefully-managed money.
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#9 of 11 Old 02-23-2006, 08:18 PM
 
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I agree don't give money.
But I'd pay for a meal here and there bring it over.
Or set up some financial counselling for them.

Maybe send her a book on how to live frugally as it sounds as if she wants to keep the 'nice' car lifestyle. Sorry sometimes we can sometimes we cannot.

Quote:
They also spend $$ on lots frivolous things (usual cells, cable, internet, movies, eating out, clothes) just things in general that they do not need, but buy to keep up w/ the JOneses, KWIM?
If their kids were starving but honestly I am sure you do less than they do! So sending money now would just help them keep up dreamland.

I say bring food a meal, and give her a book or offer to go with her to a financial planner...

Quote:
when she was complaining of having to work, I sent a very long e=mail detailing tons of ways to save $$, from insurance, downsizing the cars, cheap entertainment, to saving $$ on household things like cleaners, diapers, ect. That was a year or so back, and she didn't take any of the advice offered (I really did think she was wanting to know a few ways to cut the budget, and sent a list of things we do, it wasn't snarky or anything).
I think it sounds as if she wants to keep her lifestyle and she was merely bitching not asking for 'help'. I think a book and an ear would help until she really wants to change.

8 might be enough?
Or maybe 9 will be?
EDD September 18, 2015
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#10 of 11 Old 02-25-2006, 01:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eman'smom
Honestly I'd do the phone call support (I'm assuming they live far away). If they had cut everything down to the bone and were struggling then maybe I'd help out, but I wouldn't give them money just to keep up an inflated lifestyle.
I agree with this one. I definitely wouldn't offer or send any money since it's obvious to you she didn't take any advice you offered when you thought she was asking for it. This is a tough time that they probaby need to really heed the advice you offered before. I don't mean this in an unkind way... DH and I sort of went through this for ourselves. We often need our own wake-up! KWIM?

IntactaLactavist, HomeBirthin' Baby Wearin' Co-sleepin' Homeschoolin', City girl gone Country Livin' SAH(HSing)M

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#11 of 11 Old 02-26-2006, 09:30 PM
 
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I say phone calls, support and a few good books.
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