Ex-cutter trying to *stay* an ex-cutter... - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 18 Old 01-24-2006, 03:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 18 Old 01-24-2006, 04:48 AM
 
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I know. God, do I know. Sometimes, when I look at my legs and my belly, I'm proud of how far I've come -- all the wounds have healed so well and many of the scars are even starting to fade. Sometimes, I just feel ashamed of what I did to myself, this awful thing that my body will always show. And of course, sometimes I want to make new cuts.

I wish I had some words that would help. Sometimes I walk around the block a dozen or so times in the middle of the night (prime cutting time), trying to blow out some of the pain that feels so huge and overwhelming that no amount of talking can ever help it. I have to do something physical to get it out of my body. Sometimes, if I'm feeling sad or hurt instead of that anxious, crazy feeling, I ask DH to be quiet and hold me so I can cry my heart out until I start to get sleepy. I pray. I take lots of deep breaths. Long showers in not-quit-painfully hot water help a little. Swimming laps helps, if I'm brave enough to go to the pool and have my scars show (not often.).

Don't be silent. Again: don't be silent. Your pain has to speak and if you don't give it its voice some way, than it will push you harder to cut. I know I can't really help, but at least I can tell you that I hear you and I understand.

Namaste

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#3 of 18 Old 01-24-2006, 04:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#4 of 18 Old 01-24-2006, 08:52 PM
 
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I have no idea what you are going through. I am not a cutter. I just didn't want to read and not reply. It made me so sad for you to read your post. I really wish I had some amazing advice for you but I don't. All I can say is I'll be thinking about you and I hope you find some answers. Stay strong mama!

~Shannon
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#5 of 18 Old 01-25-2006, 01:09 AM
 
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Hang in there. You know complete abstinence is the only way to go. You have done that, and you know you can. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
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#6 of 18 Old 01-25-2006, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#7 of 18 Old 01-25-2006, 11:29 PM
 
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Sorry you are going through a tough time mama, I know how it is. You are a strong mama, you will make it through. You've made it a year already, that is quite an accomplishment. The fact that you can recognize the warning signs is a good thing, it is part of the healing process. It sounds like you are just having a hard time dealing with things right now, I don't blame you, it sounds like you are going through so much. I'm sorry to hear about your loss The road to recovery is long and hard, but it sounds like you are doing well. Having feelings of wanting to cut again is normal, the fact that you are strong enough to know these feelings are wrong and not act on them is a great thing.

Take care mama. You can do this

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#8 of 18 Old 01-27-2006, 03:05 PM
 
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Hugs to you mama. I hope you start feeling better soon.
Blessings,
Liz
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#9 of 18 Old 01-28-2006, 07:53 AM
 
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I am sorry. I know how hard it is to be OCD. I am going through a horrible bout of it myself right now and I am so sorry that you are having these issues. I may be able to help if you want to try, I am in to nutrition and I am looking into natural therapies for OCD (mostly to help myself). If you check with your doctor, I can get you some amino acids that should help the effects. I live in Novi, so I can either give you the amino acids (with your doctor's permission) or I can tell you what to purchase.

I am in the middle of a OCD episode and I empathize, since for me it is pure torture. I come on here because I was sexually abused by a woman and I have a deep need to respect women in general due to my childhood issues. I also had no nurturing as a child, so I get great comfort from seeing women that are the exact opposite of what I experienced (wow, I am going to have to tell the shrink that one, since I start a new shrink Monday) and I just like to help people in general.

I so just want to crawl into a mom's arms and cry, but that time is past for me and I am going to have to tough it out alone.

I am so sorry for your pain and I wish you nothing but the best, if you want help, please let me know!

Eric
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#10 of 18 Old 01-29-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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boy I have been here lately too.. because of that I dont know what I could say that would help except that whenever I DO give in, I end up feeling worse about myself in the end. Thohugh it seems so satisfying in the abstract
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#11 of 18 Old 01-29-2006, 04:45 PM
 
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Does your school have a counseling department for students? They may be able to see you for a few appointments, or refer to you to free/low-cost options. When I was in school and suffering PTSD the counselors in the student health services department were very helpful to me, and actively located resources for me. I don't mean they gave me like a list of phone numbers--they got on the phone and called people and set up an appointment and worked all the $$ issues out. It was a lot of help when I was just about too depressed to function.
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#12 of 18 Old 02-04-2006, 10:02 PM
 
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I just wanted to say hang in there. Like someone else said, just one day at a time.It does eventually get better. I haven't hurt myself now in many years, and though it is still there in the back of my mind when depression pushes up, it gets easier to resist over time. The biggest thing I find is distraction. Reading or repetitive activities (especially things that require my hands, otherwise I often find my not really engaged into the activity).

I also agree, check student services about counciling, they often have options to help.

Thought you are right, no matter what help is available, it realy does come down to you, and knowing you CAN do it. Hang in there
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#13 of 18 Old 02-13-2006, 02:09 PM
 
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Hi, I've never posted on one of these threads....

A few things, I haven't cut in 14 years, it does get easier but I won't lie the feelings never totally go away, when life gets stressful it's hard at times.

Honestly what keeps me from doing it explaining it to my husband and kids. My husband has never known me as a cutter and I don't want him to, how would I explain a new cut? (honestly there have been times when that has been the only thing keeping me from not doing it).

The second is the kids, ds has already seen my scars and asked me about them, how do I explain to him what I used to do to myself? It will be hard enough explaining old scars, I don't want to have to explain new ones.

Hang in there one moment at a time, it is worth it.

Also if you have certain triggers try to remove those.

Mom to ds 9 dd 7 : and dd 3/08 : if I can I go to
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#14 of 18 Old 02-13-2006, 03:17 PM
 
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As someone who used to SI, studying meridian theory has helped me so much.
Maybe check out a book on accupuncture or shiatsu from your library. Now when I feel like SI-ing I contemplate where I want to and use yoga and shiatsu to address it. Usually it is energy that needs to move or needs an expression. If you can, try receiveing accupuncture, shiatsu, or even a hot stone massage.

If you need immediate pain, how about using an ice cube on the areas you want to cut. That way you arent causing any harm to yourself.
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#15 of 18 Old 02-14-2006, 01:45 PM
 
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felt too silly leaving this out in the world!
maybe one day just not today.

8 might be enough?
Or maybe 9 will be?
EDD September 18, 2015
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#16 of 18 Old 02-14-2006, 04:32 PM
 
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i'm a former self-injurer and pregnant too ... lately the stress has led me to have more urges, and it sure is hard to struggle with that and a pregnancy.

i'm not gonna even try to give you some kind of pat advice (although i think others have had some good suggestions), i just wanted to say that i really, really hear you, and will keep you in my thoughts. *hugs*
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#17 of 18 Old 02-15-2006, 03:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#18 of 18 Old 02-15-2006, 10:00 PM
 
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I'm a cutter...or was.. or am? I dont know. I cut for the FIRST time in a very very logn time the other day. I wish i culd say it's been years. for me I dont know what else to do. If i didn't cut I was going to lose it. I could hurt someone else or something. trying not to cut was making me too anrgy and I needed to function for my kids. I cut smal and the I was better and not mean to my kids. befoe that was yelling and getting all pissed off at them.

I do not suggest cutting as a means to cope. I dont suggest any of this. and yet I was faced with one of those time were I was so depressed and hostile that I made a rash decision.

I can't tell dh. I told him the dog scratched me (I try to keep it looking straight like it *could* be something that clawed me or whatever) but I know he was suspescious. but if i tell him what good will it do? he'll be upset and then we'll argue and cry and blah. that wil make it worse.

I had to stop meds b/c it was giving horrible side effects so that isn't an option. I'm TRYING to find cheap therapy which is killing me. I'm not able to pay most bills, my child is suffering with SPD and she's so needy and I'm sleep deprived.

I was handling this by eating good foods (low carb high protien works for me) and whole raw almonds etc. and by sleeping and exercsing. but my daughter takes all my time so I've not been able to do that. and food is expensive so I have trouble with that. I take fishoil daily and Bcomplex. normally this is enough. but yesterday it just wasnt i guess.

i'm not sure what the obsession of saying how amny years it's been since being acutter, I guess to prove somethign to yourself. like when people get those sobriety chips or whatever. but I dont know. I feel a bit like a failure and thining how long it's been since my last cut just seems to compound that.

i know this is no help. i was just so surprised to see this post tonight after cutting yesterday. odd timing.

<3<3<3


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