Should I let my kids move in with their dad?
Hi everyone. Thank God I found this forum because I became a stepmother last year and I also have two kids of my own, who I love with all my heart.
I'm no longer with my kids dad. He and I get along well, but our relationship wasn't the way either of us wanted it to be. The romantic love faded and we ended up more like lifelong friends than partners. Our two kids, DD15 and DS13 have adjusted very well and they were okay with us breaking up. I like to think it's because they know we love them always and will always be there for them. My kids were okay and even encouraging me to marry my now hubby. My husband was divorced for four years after the birth of his youngest daughter, who has severe mental and physical disabilities. Her mom didn't want to be a mom to her and my husband wasn't willing to give up his child for anyone, so they divorced and he has custody of the youngest and shared custody of their 11 year old twin girls.
My youngest stepdaughter requires 24/7 care. She's never going to be able to walk or talk or care for herself. My husband and I do our best to provide a comfortable life for her, but it requires sacrifices. We can't afford a house that would make everyone happy, so that meant buying a 4 bed house with a spacious living room and a huge master bedroom that my stepdaughter sleeps in, so we can get her around and so she isn't cooped up in her bedroom all day. My kids have been so understanding of us not having a lot of space and not having friends over like they used to. They also don't mind sharing a bedroom, which isn't ideal but we can't put my daughter and older stepdaughters in the one bedroom. But they've started resenting it more. I make as much time for them as I can and I do take them out for a movie on Friday nights and I make sure I spend a few minutes with them every day. They can't hide how much they hate it, though.
They were at their dads this Christmas. I was so glad they had such a good time with their extended family. But it hurt that their mood dropped within hours of them coming back. I know it's tough on them. I just hate knowing they're not happy here. I overheard my daughter telling my son not to glare at my stepdaughter and my son said he know he shouldn't hate her, but it's hard not to now that things are so different and her own sisters don't spend half as much time with her as they do. My daughter agreed and said it was why she tries to spend more time alone now.
There are issues with the twins and their sister. The twins have very little interest in their younger sister. Partly due to their mom, I think. But then again, not every 11 year old can deal with having such a severely disabled sibling and having their parents divorced, etc. My husband is very good at finding the time to spend with the twins and also doing everything he can for my youngest stepdaughter. But it's very, very tough. Especially when he finds it difficult to spend time with all three girls together.
My kids approached me recently and asked if I would be okay with them moving in with their dad on a more permanent basis. They said living in this house, in this environment, is very stressful and they would feel more comfortable having more space in their home. I was upset, but told them I would think about it. My husband feels we shouldn't let them leave because it could damage the relationship we have with then. But I worry that it would do more damage to force them to stay and have to deal with all of this until they're older.
I would appreciate any and all answers. I would love to hear your story if you've been in a similar situation and what you did or if things got better/worse. Thank you.