One parent has one child, the other parent has the other child - child support?? - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 19 Old 01-11-2007, 12:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What do you think would be done about child support in this case?

Biomother had dss and dsd. Long story, see my other post, she demanded dss come live with us.
She is still keeping all child support she receives even though we have the one child.

We will go to court as soon as we can scrape up the $$ for an attny, but what do you think will be decided?

If she has dsd and we have dss, what gets done about child support?

BTW, dh makes more than her because she rarely holds down a job but dss has huge medical needs and expenses due to permanent birth defect disabilities. She also is court ordered to hold medical insurance on the kids but has since canceled dss, even though he has been hospitalized since October due to her neglect and is in surgery right now and wil remain in the hospital for at least 6-8 more weeks.

Any ideas what would be ordered?
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#2 of 19 Old 01-11-2007, 01:07 PM
 
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Wow. Sounds like its a good thing he's with you now. All the best with your new living arrangement.

Anyhoo, I know here in my province each child cancels out the other for support. So, in your case, there would be no c/s either way. But lets say there were 3 kids, and one went to live with the other parent, then c/s would be paid for the one child. Confused yet?


I think thats horrible she's keeping all the c/s. Dh ex did something like that too for 6 months after the kids moved in. (not c/s, but a monthly benefit for the kids)

Good luck!


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#3 of 19 Old 01-11-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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growing up, I lived with my mom and my brother lived with my dad, and no one paid support - but they did not go to court for this agreement - this was in the days before wages were garnished for support, so my dad just stopped paying my mom and she was Ok with that.

I think now, they would look at her income and yours - in IN there is a whole worksheet that they use and then would adjust the payment so that each child was recieving the same amount - for example, maybe you would have to pay her $30 a week to equal out the financial responsibility - does that make sense? I think a good lawyer could handle this for you, because if you are talking medical costs and that, I think that would be determined by the judge....

When we went to get dh's support reduced I think it ended up costing us about $400.00!!!
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#4 of 19 Old 01-11-2007, 08:09 PM
 
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Depending on the state, it probably won't cancel itself out unfortunately. Here in Michigan support is complicated and calculated based on both parents' income as well as other factors such as the age of the child (infants cost less to raise than teens) and sometimes other factors. If there is a large enough discrepancy in income between parents, then the higher-earning parent will likely continue being required to pay something. But I think the amount would definitely go down.

Do you want to know how things SHOULD work? Because that's a whole other topic! I agree with how its done in Canada and if each parent has one child (or both parents share physical custody), no child support should change hands.

Just a word of caution: in Michigan custody and child support are considered separately. Child support is based on custody so if there is a change in custody, we are required to document it in a court order *before* we can change child support. Hopefully you have already documenting this change in custody or the ex-wife is willing to document it voluntarily otherwise you could possibly be facing a big custody battle if this is how things work in your state.

Good luck!

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#5 of 19 Old 01-11-2007, 08:37 PM
 
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I dunn, but glad to hear he is with you now, really glad..

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#6 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 12:49 AM
 
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Depending on the state, it probably won't cancel itself out unfortunately. Here in Michigan support is complicated and calculated based on both parents' income as well as other factors such as the age of the child (infants cost less to raise than teens) and sometimes other factors. If there is a large enough discrepancy in income between parents, then the higher-earning parent will likely continue being required to pay something. But I think the amount would definitely go down.

Do you want to know how things SHOULD work? Because that's a whole other topic! I agree with how its done in Canada and if each parent has one child (or both parents share physical custody), no child support should change hands.

Just a word of caution: in Michigan custody and child support are considered separately. Child support is based on custody so if there is a change in custody, we are required to document it in a court order *before* we can change child support. Hopefully you have already documenting this change in custody or the ex-wife is willing to document it voluntarily otherwise you could possibly be facing a big custody battle if this is how things work in your state.

Good luck!

Same in this state. You would get a reduction, but if you make a lot more than biomom you'd still pay something.
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#7 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 04:07 AM
 
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Yep, In WA, I think (if your DH makes more money) then the kids would not "cancel each other out", but you would get a reduction from what you'd pay for both kids. Here CS is based on the % of "total income". SO, for example, when the ex and I did our CS ase, I made 52% of the total income, so if we had 2 kids, one in each house, I'd still have to pay for 3 % of the "cost" for the child in ex's custody.

When my parents had this happen (they have 3 kids, and I lived with my dad), Dad just paid for 1/3 of the previous CS (so, I cancelled out one of my sisters)..... I think. I'm not 100% sure because we weren't really part of the conversation
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#8 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Great. So she can be sh*tty mother of the universe, abuse and neglect the kidsw over most of their lifespan.
Cause severe negelct of dss which caused a hospital stay and surgeries that have kept my dss in the hospital for3 months now and since he had another surgery yesterday, at least 2 more months.

Just not want to have the responsibilty of dss anymore, give him away, with no explanation to him. Visits him three times in 3 months in the hospital. Told him last week that she forgets to come see him. :

AND she does not have to be responsible in any way, shape or form????

We will STILL have to pay HER money? PLUS she canceled his health insurance in the middle of all of this even though she is court ordered to provide it for him...

And she gets off free.

This is fair and just how?
I"m sorry, I'm just sooooooooooooooooo tired of this woman getting away with the things the rest of us would get nailed to the board for, over and over again. She always gets away with this crap. And then we are left with all of the responsibilities and bills. It just REALLY REALLY gets me so mad I cant even express how mad...................
she can be scumbag mother and we always have to pick up the pieces and price.

PLUS, dss will always have more expenses due to all of his disabilities and medical supplies and needs, ect.....
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#9 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 06:32 PM
 
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Does your state not have a child support enforcement unit? I've been fighting the child support wars for 6 years now and have never once had to hire a lawyer or even show up in court. Our enforcement unit is mostly useless but at least I can do a lot of the work from here and not have to invest money to fight for money, ya know?

I have to say that I believe it is your stepchild's birthright to be supported by both of his parents. The laws are created in the best interest of children, for a reason. Otherwise there wouldn't be laws - just options. So you have a right to feel outrage. This situation is not right and its not legal. Your stepson deserves more.

It is your husband's job to fight for the support his child deserves. You shouldn't have so much of this stress sitting on your shoulders. It seems like a regular plight us stepmoms face to take on the majority of the stress, the effort and the emotion. But it shouldn't be that way. If your husband is not doing more, stress to him that his son and even your own emotional health require that he put forth the effort to fight this battle for his son so that you don't have to take on so much of it. If he is doing all he can do and you are just sharing in his stress, try to take a step back. You didn't create this situation and, legally, you can't even fix it. You can be sad about it, frustrated about it...but it will do you not a bit of good. Encourage your husband to do all he can, legally, to hold BM accountable but otherwise try not to let it affect you so much. I know, I know - easier said than done. :

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#10 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 09:57 PM
 
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If she is violating a court order by not paying for insurance-- can't something be done about that? That seems pretty cut and dry.
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#11 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 10:24 PM
 
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PLUS, dss will always have more expenses due to all of his disabilities and medical supplies and needs, ect.....
Well, that may definitely change things, then. Every state CS law I've ever heard of has a "base" calculation and then adds things like medical bills, daycare, special school requirements to that "base". Depending on DSS's needs, it's certainly within the realm of possibility that she would end up paying you.

Also, I've been to three hearings for CS and never had to hire a lawyer. There are very clear cut laws eastblished for calculating CS. If custody is already established, the CS modification should be easy and free, for the most part. Are you going through the state or trying to handle it between yourselves?
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#12 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 10:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It is your husband's job to fight for the support his child deserves. You shouldn't have so much of this stress sitting on your shoulders. It seems like a regular plight us stepmoms face to take on the majority of the stress, the effort and the emotion. But it shouldn't be that way. If your husband is not doing more, stress to him that his son and even your own emotional health require that he put forth the effort to fight this battle for his son so that you don't have to take on so much of it. If he is doing all he can do and you are just sharing in his stress, try to take a step back. You didn't create this situation and, legally, you can't even fix it. You can be sad about it, frustrated about it...but it will do you not a bit of good. Encourage your husband to do all he can, legally, to hold BM accountable but otherwise try not to let it affect you so much. I know, I know - easier said than done. :
It's quite ironic that you bring this up....
This has been a MAJOR issue (him not dealing with her) for 12 years now since we've been together. I have tried to figure it out for all these years. It has caused soooo many problems between us.

He deals with her mainly by not dealing with her. When very important issues come up (like the insurance stuff) he drags and drags his feet and wont deal with her. I'll ask once every couple of weeks and instead of just doing it, he says he'll do it tomorrow, but then it never happens.

Anyhow, yes, its a major problem. He says he cant make her do anything, so what is he supposed to do? To a point he is right, but there have been plenty of other times action was required for an important reason and he did nothing. She is crazy though. seriously, very unstbale mentally. When he does ask her things, she just refuses to answer him or does stuff like say "what, what? I cant hear you, the phone must be breaking up...." and then hang up. Otherwise she has nothing to say for herself and just refuses to even answer his questions. Just sits there in silence.

Makes me absolutely crazy....this woman.
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#13 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, that may definitely change things, then. Every state CS law I've ever heard of has a "base" calculation and then adds things like medical bills, daycare, special school requirements to that "base". Depending on DSS's needs, it's certainly within the realm of possibility that she would end up paying you.

Also, I've been to three hearings for CS and never had to hire a lawyer. There are very clear cut laws eastblished for calculating CS. If custody is already established, the CS modification should be easy and free, for the most part. Are you going through the state or trying to handle it between yourselves?
Well she's two hours away and we have to go through that court system. Thing is, is that when she informed dh that she was shipping dss back to us, she refuses to do anything about it legally cause she would have to get a attny. So, legally, dss is still in her physical custody (althought he's been near us in a hospital for about 3.5 months now) She knows that we'll have to find some way to bring it to court because we are going to need to get proper custody papers for dss in order to enroll him in school and see about getting him SSI disability, ect....So, once again, we'll pay for her crap and she gets off the hook.

Anyhow, we found the phone number for the child support office we need to go through 2 hours away. Dh spent literally ALL DAY on hold yesterday. I called to see if there was another number and was told there wasnt. How can a gov office keep callers on hold all day and afternoon?
So, dh is going to have to lose a day of work & pay to drive all the way out there and deal with them in person.

Thing is, the child support we do pay her is old and if refigured with the worksheet, we'll end up paying way more I think because my husband makes more these days.
So, in effect, she could possibly end up gettting more money each week. Unbelievable.

I'm not sure if the c. support people (county DA) deals with the issue of her not providing court order health insurance or not. Would that be part of the child support they deal with?

So, as usual, we're scr*wed because of her. Again. and. Agian. and Again.
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#14 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 10:51 PM
 
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It's quite ironic that you bring this up....
This has been a MAJOR issue (him not dealing with her) for 12 years now since we've been together. I have tried to figure it out for all these years. It has caused soooo many problems between us.

He deals with her mainly by not dealing with her. When very important issues come up (like the insurance stuff) he drags and drags his feet and wont deal with her. I'll ask once every couple of weeks and instead of just doing it, he says he'll do it tomorrow, but then it never happens.
Well unfortunately I'm speaking from experience. I am actually jealous, at times, that my DH can just *let go* the way he can. I would love to be able to stop worrying, getting upset, stressing, etc. In the past I have totally gone on strike and the result is that nothing ever happens. He's secretly probably thrilled! So I really truly do try to step away now and remind myself 100x a day that they are not my kids, I did not make this mess of their lives, I am not obligated (nor legally allowed) to fix it. I will support my husband in whatever he wants to do but I will not do it for him nor will I stress out when his life falls apart around him as a result.

Of course saying this and feeling it are two different things. I have a track record of about 50% : But I keep trying. The thing is, as you know, he can blow off the problem all he wants but it still affects you so it is impossible for you to just ignore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Hang in there! Just focus on what is best for your family, your marriage and your sanity!

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#15 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well unfortunately I'm speaking from experience. I am actually jealous, at times, that my DH can just *let go* the way he can. I would love to be able to stop worrying, getting upset, stressing, etc. In the past I have totally gone on strike and the result is that nothing ever happens. He's secretly probably thrilled! So I really truly do try to step away now and remind myself 100x a day that they are not my kids, I did not make this mess of their lives, I am not obligated (nor legally allowed) to fix it. I will support my husband in whatever he wants to do but I will not do it for him nor will I stress out when his life falls apart around him as a result.

Of course saying this and feeling it are two different things. I have a track record of about 50% : But I keep trying. The thing is, as you know, he can blow off the problem all he wants but it still affects you so it is impossible for you to just ignore. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Hang in there! Just focus on what is best for your family, your marriage and your sanity!
Ha! I've been on "Strike" before too! Exactly everything you've written.
But, its hard. They aren't my kids. But they ARE. Ya know?
And when I have to spend my student loan money on a lawyer to go after her instead of on things my own kids NEED (dental work, braces, necesseties, ect) Its sooooooooo hard not to feel strong, strong resentment.

And when dh does nothing, repeatedly, over a number of years AND it negatively affects our family and all of our kids (his, mine and ours) well, its beyond difficult to not resent him too.

For instance, if dh wopuld have called CPS on her a few months ago for serious neglect of the disabled child, quite possibly dss wouldnt be hospitalized for months and months and the court system would have gone after her and perhaps things would be okay. But I sat back and only nagged dh to call or take other, similar action, and he didnt and now dss is suffering and we are too.
Yes, damed if do, damned if dont.

But you know all this already! Thanks for the replies.
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#16 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 10:58 PM
 
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Well she's two hours away and we have to go through that court system. Thing is, is that when she informed dh that she was shipping dss back to us, she refuses to do anything about it legally cause she would have to get a attny. So, legally, dss is still in her physical custody (although he's been near us in a hospital for about 3.5 months now) She knows that we'll have to find some way to bring it to court because we are going to need to get proper custody papers for dss in order to enroll him in school and see about getting him SSI disability, ect....So, once again, we'll pay for her crap and she gets off the hook.
At one point in time we were faced with a similar situation. BM gave up the kids and refused to sign anything to make it official, meanwhile she collected child support in full. We met with an attorney who explained that when you live something long enough, it becomes the standard of care and a default judgment would be entered. He made it sound easy enough. We didn't end up needing to do it because, like usual, BM realized that she was not going to win and would have to pay out the nose in court so she eventually became reasonable and agreed out of court. But I believe the attorney suggested something like 3 months of the new living arrangement would qualify us for a default judgement.

At one point BM and DH decided to just call it a wash since we have the kids most of the year and she only sees them weekends and a few weeks during the summer. If we pushed the issue, she would owe us child support, no doubt. We have run the numbers over and over and we have contemplated making her accountable in that way but it is such hell dealing with her when it comes to money. She acts like such an entitled b*tch and she's perpetually broke, having things shut off, losing her home, etc. We don't want her blood money I pity anyone who still has to deal with this issue.

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#17 of 19 Old 01-12-2007, 11:00 PM
 
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And when dh does nothing, repeatedly, over a number of years AND it negatively affects our family and all of our kids (his, mine and ours) well, its beyond difficult to not resent him too.
Amen, sister. Resentment is no way to build a healthy marriage. I wish I had a great answer but since I'm living it, I've got nothin'

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#18 of 19 Old 01-13-2007, 03:39 PM
 
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He deals with her mainly by not dealing with her. When very important issues come up (like the insurance stuff) he drags and drags his feet and wont deal with her. I'll ask once every couple of weeks and instead of just doing it, he says he'll do it tomorrow, but then it never happens.
.
My dh is like that, too. One the one hand, he should be dealing with HIS ex, on the other hand, it's my money, time, life, etc so reaslistically, I have to be involved. Dh just hates dealing with her. He would totally give up so much to avoid dealing with her. I think she knows that: . Before I came along, all she had to do was mention court/lawyer/mediation and he'd give her anything because he'd rather not deal with her. It has gotten better as the years have passed and the emotions have lessened.
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#19 of 19 Old 01-13-2007, 03:51 PM
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oh mama, my heart goes out to you. I cannot say that I have experience in this, since Cam's BM is not around and when she was trying to interfere Phil always stood very firm with her because it is not in our son's best interest to have her flaking on him and pulling him into her very questionable lifestyle.

If your dss is in the hospital because she neglected his care, then the results of said neglect should be on file. If it were me, I would be pushing to take custody away from her altogether, since if she's the type of parent to bail when it gets tough, then it's only a matter of time before the other child who is in her care is shipped to you. For the health, safelty and emotional well-being of these children you need to get your DH on board and fight tooth and nail for those kids.

I hope things get better for you.
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