bio-dad vs step-dad - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 03-29-2008, 11:30 AM - Thread Starter
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Okay so now here I am watching my dd's bio-dad interact with her when he comes to visit and he also plays with my other kids aswell so no-one feels left out, and I am really starting to resent the lack of effort my dh puts into the kids. Here this man has been around for 3 weeks now and has already shown more love and affection then my dh has in the past two years. dh says it's because he doesn't see the bad parts only the good so it's easier for him and I'm sure to an extent thats true but shouldn't a parents love be unconditional? I know I shouldn't compare the two but I just wish dh loved like that. It's something we have argued over for the past year, long before bio-dad showed up but now it seems to magnify the situation.
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#2 of 5 Old 03-29-2008, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by busymomof4 View Post
but shouldn't a parents love be unconditional?
Yes, it should. But many Stepparents find it hard to love their stepchildren like they do (or would) their own children, unfortunately. I love my stepdaughter as much as I love my own son, yet so many people are surprised when I mention she's my stepdaughter, because we're so close. And then there's always the possibility that your Hubby just isn't a "kid person".

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#3 of 5 Old 03-29-2008, 01:49 PM
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A situation like this would bother me too.

I would be very careful comparing your husband with dad, though. I can't think of a better way to worsen the situation and make someone feel defensive and even more disengaged.

I guess I would try to take small steps with your husband. What are your expectations? Developing a bond with a child (biological or a stepchild), takes time, I'm understanding that your husband is not dedicating enough time to the kids, right?

Here is what I would do (and I'd try my best to make this discussion as friendly as possible, in "would be good for the kids" and "would help me out" kind of way)... I'd ask him to take over a bed-time ritual couple times a week. I would also ask him to take the kids outside to the park at least once a week. I would send one kid at a time to run an errand with their dad. I think it's about little, spesific steps. If the problem is truly overwhelming, I'd consider therapy.


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#4 of 5 Old 03-30-2008, 03:49 PM
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I think if it has to do with his expression of love then maybe therapywould be good for him? But it is helpful to phrase things like "I feel ___ when you do ______, in the future, would you be able to do ______please?
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#5 of 5 Old 04-02-2008, 04:50 PM
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Are your other kids your Dh's bio kids? Your post was a little confusing. He's right about how it is easier to be positive when a person is only around the kids part time. The one who is at home sees the good, the bad and the ugly and sometimes it just tires them out. I agree with the pp that it is not so good to compare your current Dh with I guess what is your ex. That would be hurtful. I like the idea of encouraging him to do fun things like the park with the kids. This way he is involved in the fun aspects of their lives not just the drudgery part.
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