Shall I end relationship - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 12 Old 09-10-2008, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My BF is terrific, we get a long great, our kids get along great. We have been seeing each other for a bit over two years and the relationship has developed very slowly but surely. BF is now becoming a big part of my life, we spend most weeknights that my son is with his dad together and almost every weekend. He has his kids most of the time, my son is with me about 60% of the time.

The big problem I am having is really with BFs ex-wife and how he is dealing with her.

I have a regular visitation schedule with my ex, we stick to it 95% of the time but make accommodation for special vacations, extended family visits, business trips, severe illness, surgery, etc. This regular schedule allow me to have a predictable schedule so that I can pursue not so kid friendly hobbies like my competitive tennis habit, my job and also so that I can schedule extra-curricular activities for my son. My BF ex decides when she would like to see her kids according to her whim. Her timing can be very last minute. My BF lets her get away with it, stop things we are doing so that she can go for a walk with the kids ( a 1 hour activity).

In addition she keeps changing her mind regarding say taking the her kids for the weekend so that BF and I can go somewhere together. Several times now she has changed her mind. BF just lets her have her way. Some of these cancellations have cost me a bit of money as well.

Well she just did it again. I had plans to play a tournament in sonoma and to make a weekend of it win or lose. I would have loved to have his company (he plays tennis too). Now I will go by myself (did that before I meet him).

So I guess it is not so much that BF changes plans, it is not that his ex want to see her kids (of course she should). It is that he has not established any boundaries with his ex, always letting her get her way.

I used to let me ex do that, I ended up with no friends, no hobbies and no life. I don't want to go there again.

I am concerned that his lack of boundaries will prevent us from have a good long term relationship.

Am I over reacting.
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#2 of 12 Old 09-10-2008, 09:07 PM
 
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I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all. I think that the fact that it is not registering with him that this is a big deal to you despite telling him would really bother me. It would make me question whether I wanted to continue in the relationship, as well. I guess you just really need to decide how big of a deal breaker this is for you. If you decide this is not what you want, that certainly does not make you a bad person. It is best to be honest with your feelings before you get further invloved with him and build resentment about the situation.

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#3 of 12 Old 09-10-2008, 09:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think what I really need to think about is whether I want him to be a boyfriend: guy you hang out with, have fun. Or do I want him to be a significant other: someone you depend on, a partner in life.

Maybe it is best to just not let it get anymore serious, back off a lot with activities that involve our kids.
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#4 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 12:17 AM
 
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before you think about breaking up, you should talk to him about it. tell him clearly what you need and see how he responds. these things take time, though. it might take him a while to put up some clear boundaries and stick with them.
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#5 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 01:05 AM
 
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Maybe you need to have one of those "talks." The which-way-is-the-relationship-going talk. And if you decide to continue, you need to let him know what you need from a serious relationship, and if he can't provide that, then perhaps it would be better to end the relationship now to avoid getting more entangled than you already are.
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#6 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 01:56 AM
 
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I will somewhat echo the other posters - figure out what you want from the relationship.

At this point, assume the situation will never change. Is this the type of relationship you want?

I would tell him that you are thinking about things in this manner, and why.

My DF used to be a lot more accommodating to the whims and "needs" of DSD's mom. At one point, he finally realized that his attention and loyalty needed to be centered on his current family (at the time, me, in utero DS, and DSD), not his previous one. It did take a bout of couples counseling to work through that.

Things still take work, but they are much better now that we are a "we," not a "me and him and also her and them."

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#7 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 01:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I need to talk to him about it. I am trying to find the right time. He does not do well if you simply confront him out of no where. He does better if you discuss as things are happening. I just need to be prepared.

He knows that her behavior really irks me, but it is only more recently as things have become more...what it the right word...not serious, it's always serious...but more "routine", "settled", "significant othery, that it has really has made me start to question.

I like this guy and I am trying to not over react as I have done in past relationships...no ultimatum or tantrum. I am trying to remain rational in a emotional situation.

Thanks for everyone advice and more importantly thanks for listening (reading).
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#8 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 03:22 PM
 
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My situation is somewhat similar except that my DP has two kids with two different baby momma's and their individual whims.
Slowly, he is starting to stop allowing them to run over him. However, it is slow going because my DP just wants peace. I feel bad for pressuring him to have more of a backbone when I know how stressed out he is in various aspects of his own life.
Anyhoodle, I decided that I needed to figure out if I could accept this situation as is, because it might not ever change. We talk about this all the time, and but change is slow going.
Not much advice here, but I understand how frustrating this situation can be.
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#9 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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He actually sounds like a great guy. He cooperates with his ex, he welcomes an opportunity to have extra time with his children, He lets his kids go do something with the ex for an hour. It sounds like he is really easygoing. You may not mesh with that personality style, but I don't know that I'd want to change it that much if I was the one dating him.

You may do better to date guys without children or with only one child prior to the relationship. I had only one child for many years, and I was able to try to do everything perfectly. The more children I have the more I do what I can cheerfully and go with the flow.
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#10 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 03:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Phoolove

It is nice to know that someone else is in the same situation.

pranamama,

He is a great guy and yes his accommodating nature is a plus on the one hand. I do love his easygoing nature. So in many ways I don't want to change the personality that has put him in the situation he is in. Like Phoolove's DP, he is also just trying to keep the peace. I respect him for that.

I also know that his ex has taken advantage of his nature, as mine once did to me. It borders on psychological abusiveness (not everything about her has been described here). He has told me how he once thought he was a terrible person, because of how she treated him. So in some ways he is trying to recover from that. I very much understand.

I can deal with who he is. It is her I'd really like to end things with
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#11 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 04:50 PM
 
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Greenfrogs, I relate so well to what you're going through and I agree with previous posters that some soul-searching and a conversation with your BF are in order.

I have found that the best way to frame conversations about consistency with the ex (and I have LOTS of experience with this) is to put them in the context of what's best for the children. I actually do believe that kids living in more than one household do better when they know when they're going to be in what home and for how long. And as they get older, I can pretty must assure you that they won't put up with being shuffled between homes on the spur-of-the-moment.

Another thing to remember is that some of us are planners and some of us are fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants-ers. I'm the former (like you) and DH is the latter (like your DH). Both are fine, but in order for people with this particular difference to build a lasting relationship, there has to be LOTS of communication and compromise.

Good luck!

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#12 of 12 Old 09-11-2008, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Another thing to remember is that some of us are planners and some of us are fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants-ers. I'm the former (like you) and DH is the latter (like your DH). Both are fine, but in order for people with this particular difference to build a lasting relationship, there has to be LOTS of communication and compromise.

Good luck![/QUOTE]

Mild_adventurer,

Thanks for the perspective. I am definitely a planner, but can also be very flexible.

I agree that it is good for kids to have some consistency in their lives. I know my son demands it. It is funny though his kids are just as laid back as he is. Although, the daughter has a bit of the negative aspects of her mom, but thats another thread....
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