I have debated whether or not to post this. Writing it several times, in fact, and then deleting it. But it's troubling me so much I finally figured I should just post.
I'm having trouble deciding whether to make the jump from having 1 child to TTC #2. DH has said he is ready and willing whenever I am, but it's still been difficult.
There are a number of factors holding me back: Me, of course, feeling fatigued, guilty, indecisive as to whether this is the "right" time.
A big factor though is that we are a military family. We move so much and it does take time to get acclimated to a new community. And then once you do, you're likely to be moving again. Therefore there are few family and friends around, sometimes I can't even depend on DH b/c of his work schedule, etc.
But one thing that keeps coming up more and more in this debate in my mind is dd. She is spirited, persisitent, intense. Frequent breastfeeding still at almost age 3, many days where only mama will do (sometimes DH is ok for her, sometimes not), high frustration level and not being physically able to do things she wants to do. Her sleep schedule still defies explanation - the child is just not on a 24-hour schedule (long story there). While I sleep when she does, it is much harder for me to fall asleep when she does and to get restful sleep.
Of course, she is endlessly fascinating to me and amazing and I do accept and love her as she is. But she is *not* what one would call an easy child.
While I have been guilty of not always eating well, exercising, or resting when I should, most of my fatigue comes from caretaking for her. We all know how exhausting motherhood can be.
I can't help but wonder if she was a more mellow child: how much would that change things? Would I be more ready to TTC right now? She still needs me so much right now... <sigh> I feel guilty: I can't bring another child into this family when she still needs so much attention right now. But I think I sometimes feel resentful towards her b/c of that, too. No, I'm not proud of that emotion, but there it is.
And then of course I feel guilty for feeling resentful.
I suppose I'm just impatient as well. I guess I want to be able to say "yes, we'll TTC at this time" or "we are done have children, dd will be an only." It is so NOT a clear-cut decision. I guess I always thought it would be for me. I never doubted that I wanted children. And I always thought there would be more than one. How things are of course, is certainly much different than how you thought things would be.
I know the decision ultimately rests with me. But I am looking for support, opinions, experiences from other mamas to give me a different perspective.