Needing to vent about dh. - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, my disclaimer is that I totally get that I'm being somewhat unreasonable. But I am so angry and disappointed I'm actually crying, which I rarely do.

Our family is outgrowing our home. We have a 900sf two-bedroom condo, and we need more space. I am in grad school and WAH (I'm done with classes.) I have no private space or place to leave out books or whatever I'm working on. We have four rooms and two small children. I am going crazy trying to keep things somewhat neat... every time there's anything going on like a craft or a puzzle or a game it is in the middle of the only space we have (shared LR/DR.)

So somewhat against dh's inclinations we have been looking for another place. For the second time today, he has totally sandbagged me on another condo. The space is *perfect* for us, it needs a little work but not much, they came down significantly on the price, it's in the mid-range of what we're approved for mortgage wise... and dh decided at the last minute that we just can't afford it.

I am feeling so humiliated and angry ... our realtor is someone I like and respect and I feel like he's witnessing me get treated like I am powerless and have no voice in our family decisions. I make no money. I feel like dh is my parent or something - he can veto whatever I want. I put *hours* of time into research, viewing places, getting our place ready to put on the market, etc. I feel like I've dragged our realtor into some ugly marital stuff and now I'm embarrassed to even speak with him.

I think dh never wanted to move and just waited until the last minute to avoid having to actually talk with me about it. I am now back to having no place to work. We can't really have people over in the way that I'd like to because there's just no room. I'm not going to have a party for ds's first birthday because our home is just too small. I hate living like this - I'm lonely.

I just feel powerless and also like I'm being petty and stupid.

And damn it, I'm stuck here

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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#2 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 01:46 PM
 
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It sounds to me like you are right on about your husband and please do not dismiss your feelings or way you experience him. OKay?

and big ol'
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#3 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 02:07 PM
 
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Oh Mama..

I'm having similar issues with my Dh lately. You have my thoughts.
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#4 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 02:36 PM
 
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Sounds like you need to have a talk with him? It could go something like, "If you don't think we can afford the house, I'd appreciate it if you'd talk to me about it FIRST before we make major decisions. As I am an equal half of this partnership."

It sucks he wouldn't ask for your input. There should be a discussion.
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#5 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 03:06 PM
 
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Moving this to Parents as Partners...
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#6 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Irishmommy.

I appreciate the feedback. I do tend to discount my feelings and not to work through them, which doesn't work so well. Deeeep breath...

I talked to him about it - called him at work so that we wouldn't be interrupted and because I thought I'd be calmer. I did let him know that I'd been crying, because that's unusual for me and it seemed fair to let him know how upset I was.

I'm feeling better. He said that a. he didn't like the place in question as much as I did (which is an ongoing conversation about aesthetics, but I can see that he has a right to his opinion) and b. it *was* a stretch for us financially. I let him know that if he is planning to simply reject every place until I get tired of looking and give up, that was a bad strategy and I would be angry. He promised that that is not the case. I left the conversation with our realtor to him, which seemed fair.

We are going to keep looking, which I'm pleased about, and we're going to really crunch numbers before looking at more places. (It's complicated by taxes and assessments, which are hard to predict, and tack on a little or a lot to your mortgage payment.)

There's probably more talking to be done in the Household of Penelope, but we're at least on good terms again. Thanks for listening!

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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#7 of 9 Old 02-11-2005, 05:29 PM
 
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That's good to hear. I find that talking to dh on the phone is often more productive than face to face.
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#8 of 9 Old 02-12-2005, 03:42 PM
 
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In our area, the MLS lists the current taxes on the property. If it's a big concern to you, ask your realtor to always relay that information to you. I've been known to ask for copies of utility bills and tax assessments during the inspection time (when I could still say no based on the inspection, but there's an offer on the table).
Some zip codes are really low on insurance, though. It's weird, but we pay the same amount for insurance (required by mortgage) for a big house on a quarter acre as we did on a little 2 bedroom on a 35x70 foot lot.

When I want to talk to my dh, I plan a car trip. The looking straight ahead, but talking thing works well for touchy issues.

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#9 of 9 Old 02-12-2005, 04:06 PM
 
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About what, exactly, do you think you're "being somewhat unreasonable"?

Please do not apologize for your thoughts and feelings. You are as entitled to anyone else, dear.
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