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#1 of 16 Old 06-04-2005, 08:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm feeling really freaked out right now, and don't know who to talk to about this or what to do. So.. Here I am.

I just came upon a pack of cigarettes in the car. My husband started smoking again, secretly and has been hiding it for weeks. Recently, I started noticing breathmints in the car all the time, and since this is unusual I asked him about them... Honestly because I thought that he was smoking marijuana. He brushed it off and made me feel like i was being paranoid. Because you know.. He would NEVER hide anything from me. He said that he got the breathmints because I hurt his feelings when i said that his breath was a little funky a few nights ago.
WELL.. fastforward to today. Cigarettes.




It's not the smoking that bothers me. Why would he feel like he had to hide something like this? I think that i'm generally laid back about most things. I try not to be some kind of evil tyrant.
I just don't understand why he would LIE to me for WEEKS!

This isn't the first time that he's lied to me. Before, It was some porno that was left in the auto-complete on our computer. So I called him up, and asked him why he was looking for porn on the computer and he denied it.. more than once.
This happened twice.


Again, while I personally feel like total crap when he wants to look at porno, it's not the porn itself that bothers me. It's the lies.

I'm feeling really betrayed right now.
I don't want to be married to someone who can't be honest with me.


Am i over-reacting? What should i do?
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#2 of 16 Old 06-04-2005, 08:41 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I do not think you are overreacting.

Perhaps he feels ashamed or weak because he tried to quite smoking and then couldn't? Is he possibly afraid of "failing" you and would rather lie than admit to something he knows will disappoint you? (I know this isn't rational but....)

I hope you are able to talk it out with him and find out why he felt the need to lie to you. I would definitely feel betrayed by the lies - way more than the other issues.

But it sounds like this could be a major issue in your marriage - I don't think I couldn't be happy in a marriage without mutual trust. Not to sound like a broken record, but perhaps some couples counseling could help? (If he's open to the idea.)

Hugs to you. Hang in there!

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#3 of 16 Old 06-04-2005, 09:03 PM
 
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about the lying about smoking...I can say that I understand what it's like from his point of view. That is one thing I ever lied to DH about. And I did it because I was ashamed and felt like a failure. He caught me in it and we realized that he couldn't be involved in me trying to quit. I mean, as you said you aren't, he was certainly not being an evil tyrant. But he really wanted me to quit and told me that all the time. And that made me feel like he was the enemy. I know it's probably hard for someone to understand who hasn't had an addiction problem. Cigarettes take a powerful hold over you. It's hell trying to quit...I've tried and failed so many times. You end up feeling like smoking is part of your identity, so when you quit it's like you feel like you aren't yourself anymore. Blah...it's awful. I know you're hurt that he lied about that, but try to understand that smoking is a strong addiction.

Now...as for the porn lies...I, personally, would never put up with that. I wouldn't put up with DH looking at porn at all, much less lying about it. Which I guess is a double standard because he forgave me for lying about the smoking. But to me, porn is a whole different issue. I am really against it.

I'm thinking I'm not being very helpful here. : But maybe you could talk to DH about trying to keep the lines of communication open. DH and I wouldn't have the good relationship that we do if it weren't for our good communication. If your DH is looking at porn, there's some reason behind it. Same with feeling the need to hide his smoking from you. Encourage him to talk to you about his feelings. And you should, of course, do the same. You should both make it a point to communicate your feelings before it leads to things like what your DH did. Sorry if this isn't helpful...I'm tired. :
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#4 of 16 Old 06-04-2005, 11:06 PM
 
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You're not over-reacting.

My dad lied to my mom for a long time when he started smoking again. She found cigarette butts in the toilet, and reamed out me and my sister for smoking. (We did smoke, but never in the house!) We were about 13 and 15. My dad sat back and let her yell at us and never said a word to indicate that he was the one who was actually sneaking into the bathroom to smoke.

I realize this is a step further along (allowing your kids to take the blame for your behaviour), but it shows just how much a lie can damage a relationship. I had this problem with my ex, too. He'd lie about anything that might upset me, even though anybody who knows me knows that the single easiest way to piss me off is to lie to me...about anything! There's no place in a marriage for untruths. And, the fact that he didn't fess up when you caught him out is a really bad sign - emotional manipulation by trying to make you the bad guy. He's not respecting you at all.

You've got a real problem. I wish I had advice on how to deal with it...both my marriage and my mom's ended in divorce. (But, the lies had reached a level that's beyond belief by the end.)

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#5 of 16 Old 06-04-2005, 11:25 PM
 
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I lied to my husband about smoking for weeks when I was quitting .. I was ashamed that I was having a harrd time quitting and felt like a failure. I lied because I didn't want him to think less of me. He eventually found out, and assured me of his love and his willingness to support me through it all. Knowing he'd still love me if I didn't quit immediately actually made it easier for me to quit.

Lies aren't always malicious; often they're just from an insecurity and a fear of having people think less of you.

I don't know if any of that applies to your situation, but it's something to consider,
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#6 of 16 Old 06-04-2005, 11:51 PM
 
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Ouch. I am really the wrong person to respond. These reasons (lying about smoking, lying about porn multiple times) are exactly why I divorced my first husband and I've never regretted it. Once a compulsive liar, always a liar imo.



Sorry, I don't have any advice..

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#7 of 16 Old 06-05-2005, 04:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NightOwl
about the lying about smoking...I can say that I understand what it's like from his point of view. That is one thing I ever lied to DH about. And I did it because I was ashamed and felt like a failure. He caught me in it and we realized that he couldn't be involved in me trying to quit. I mean, as you said you aren't, he was certainly not being an evil tyrant. But he really wanted me to quit and told me that all the time. And that made me feel like he was the enemy. I know it's probably hard for someone to understand who hasn't had an addiction problem. Cigarettes take a powerful hold over you. It's hell trying to quit...I've tried and failed so many times. You end up feeling like smoking is part of your identity, so when you quit it's like you feel like you aren't yourself anymore. Blah...it's awful. I know you're hurt that he lied about that, but try to understand that smoking is a strong addiction.

Now...as for the porn lies...I, personally, would never put up with that. I wouldn't put up with DH looking at porn at all, much less lying about it. Which I guess is a double standard because he forgave me for lying about the smoking. But to me, porn is a whole different issue. I am really against it.
Wow...you took the words right out of my mouth. About the smoking and the porn. made this post a short one.
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#8 of 16 Old 06-05-2005, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies, At first I was apprehensive about posting, But I'm glad that I did.


I got out of the house a bit last night to think, came home and we talked about it.

lumi pretty much hit the nail right on the head about his feelings when they said this
"Lies aren't always malicious; often they're just from an insecurity and a fear of having people think less of you."
He didn't want to tell me because he was ashamed.

Storm Bride really described my feelings well too
"There's no place in a marriage for untruths. And, the fact that he didn't fess up when you caught him out is a really bad sign - emotional manipulation by trying to make you the bad guy. He's not respecting you at all."
But when I brough up feeling manipulated, He was really offended.


Just for clarification though, we quit smoking together a year ago, and have been smoke free until the last couple of weeks. So I think that this is well outside the "trying to quit" time period.

I don't really know if I understand more of what is going on now than yesterday. -sigh-
I'm just really confused.


Yeah. Marriage counselling here we come.
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#9 of 16 Old 06-05-2005, 04:38 PM
 
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#10 of 16 Old 06-05-2005, 07:03 PM
 
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Best of luck to you both. It sounds like you really are trying to understand each other, that's a good start.
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#11 of 16 Old 06-05-2005, 08:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by umefey
He didn't want to tell me because he was ashamed.
Can anybody explain this one to me? My ex and I went around and around it. How on earth is lying to the person you supposedly love most in the world going to make you feel less ashamed about anything? If you know you're doing something wrong (whether that means your partner won't like it, or you're angry at yourself for being "weak" or however you define "wrong"), how on earth does lying to someone about it make you feel less ashamed? How is deceiving a loved one something to reduce feelings of shame?

I guess it's just something I can't get a grip on, because I can't think of anything that I would feel more ashamed of than lying to my spouse...except maybe lying to my kids.

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#12 of 16 Old 06-05-2005, 08:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by umefey
Just for clarification though, we quit smoking together a year ago, and have been smoke free until the last couple of weeks. So I think that this is well outside the "trying to quit" time period.
Are you sure? When my DH supposedly quit and lied about quitting, I found out nearly a year later. Turns out he had been smoking 2-3 a day. He lied about quitting because he felt weak - especially since I quit in a week with a little problems (yeah - I was no fun to be around and gained a ton, but at least I wasn't smoking). When I found the porn (starting to wonder if we are married to the same guy), he obviously couldn't lie about it. He said he wouldn't look at it again, but really, I have no way of knowing and just have to trust him on that one. I think the key thing is lying when confronted, my DH is a horrible liar, I mean, he generally just can't pull it off. But I do know that I would terribly sad if I found out some awful secret he had been hiding and lying to me about - I really think it would shatter my world. He also did not understand why I was so upset - it wasn;t the smoking but the fact that he thought so little of me to admit he was having trouble, I wasn't about 'judging' him. Quitting is tough and I don't know if he will ever do it. Good luck, I hope you can get through this.
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#13 of 16 Old 06-06-2005, 01:50 PM
 
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I found Dh SPIT CUP he had been using for chewing tobacco in the car the other day

I know that if you caught your child doing something wrong, the worse thing to do is ask a question you know the answer to "were you dippping?" Because you know the answer all you are doing is giving them a chance to lie and feel ashamed.

I just said :dont leave your [email protected]#$ spit cup in the car again ,its gross.

He knows I know. He knows I dont like it. His feelings are spared.

I think sometimes we forget to treat our dps with the same care and respect we give our dcs.

I have been lied to over MAJOR things because of dhs shame in admitting them. For most men, shame becomes defensive anger. For us, the key to avoiding a big display of hurt feelings was for me to simply say "I feel ---- when you do -----"

Not "why do you -----" or "dont do -----" or "were you ----" (when I know he was)

If you are going to live with someone your whole life, they are going to do things you dont like. It can be big like tobacco use, or little like overcooking the chicken, but it will happen. And when we spend so much of our time and energy on our dcs its very hard to take the time to figure out how to approach our dp with the same thought. But they deserve it.
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#14 of 16 Old 06-06-2005, 02:35 PM
 
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I hate liars.
No matter what the lie is...its still a lie and its hard to know what you can and cannot believe.
It sounds like you guys are facing the problem...thats great!

Best of luck!

I am in PDX too!
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#15 of 16 Old 06-11-2005, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all again for your replies, Posting here has really helped me deal with everything going on. You mamas rock!

Everything seems to be smoothing out well, We have been doing a lot of talking, and he seems to be really taking me seriously about this.
I feel like i'm going through a kind of wierd paranoid period right now that i'm trying to deal with. I find myself not really feeling comfortable letting him go out for fun by himself. I get too anxious wondering what he's doing :
I'm trying to get over this, mabye it will just take time?
He says that he will go to counseling with me if I want, but he also wants to go to counseling on his own too to deal with some of his confidence issues. I think thats really cool that he really seems to want to put forth some effort and work on this.
He is still smoking, but he's not lying to me about it.. And that was really the big deal there.

I again find myself agreeing with Storm Bride and beatgirl but am trying to let it go and not be angry about what happened even though i still just don't get it.

I'm so thankful for MDC.
beatgirl - cool! Do you knit or crochet? Mabye you could come to the MDC knitting group every tuesday and hang out with us!
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#16 of 16 Old 06-11-2005, 10:00 PM
 
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I have to agree with sweetest...your partner is still an individual with his/her own rights. Lying is not good, not at all, and I get *really* upset about this, but I also accept that I over-react to things I don't like and therefore I *do* make it difficult for dh to be honest with me about things I will be upset about. That doesn't excuse lying, but I can accept that it's not just his problem, it's mine too. But I also think most things really aren't worth getting divorced over if you love each other and have a family.
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