It's not easy. My first baby was relatively easy and it was still really, really hard...keep in mind some of it is hormones, and some of it is adjusting to an entirely new way of life. I know I sat on the couch and just cried and cried most afternoons for several weeks just wondering what I had done to my life that now I had someone utterly dependent on me, and someone who wasn't overly happy to be with me a lot of the time to boot.
And honestly, a lot of bonding doesn't always happen when your baby is so young...they're not doing a whole lot, you're not rewarded for your hard work with smiles or gratitude, you deal with stressful, painful stuff like mastitis on Day 5. I think we as mom's do each other a disservice not talking about the darker side. I feel bad that you expected a blissed out PP experience...not that people don't have them but the majority of people I know (even the mellow, laid back ones!
) didn't either.
It definitely gets easier. Just take your time getting to know this little person and don't put so much pressure on yourself to fall in love with her, although I'm sure you are already. It will just grow and grow and you will be amazed. I really feel like I'm more cut out to be a toddler mom than an infant one...when my daughter started to talk and walk and give unsolicited hugs and kisses, that really sealed the deal. It's hard to love a little creature where you give and give and give and all they give back in return is vomit and crying, even if you did give birth to them!
I hope what I'm saying doesn't sound callous, and I definitely did enjoy the early days with my first daughter too, but like you it was much more difficult than I expected.
Can I give you some hope? The second time around has been SOOOOOO much easier. It helps that Eliana is pretty much a dream baby, but we are so relaxed this time, and I only really had PP blues for a couple of days. This time I really do feel like I'm getting to have the blissed out babymoon. I worried I would feel overwhelmed or touched out when the new baby came but the truth is I feel so complete having my arms full all day long. (because of course they don't sleep at the same time
) I stare at both of my girls and just feel so incredibly blessed and lucky to have them. Everything feels right and perfect with the world. I really think it's because I'm already a mom. The adjustment period is tough with your first, but when you're just adding a child it's not as drastic of a lifestyle change. Your whole world is completely reprioritized now, and don't discount the feelings you might have about it.
of course I could be waaayyy off base here, so either way I hope you're feeling better soon!