What do you put in the place of "good Job"? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 01:50 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post
For drawings, once we've discussed everything dc want to, I say, "Thank you for showing me your drawing. I love seeing the development of (that character, your ornamentation, etc...)." But even with our 2 yr old, when he shows me a drawing, I treat him and his drawing with interest and respect, so given my interests as well, I ask him questions like, "Did you draw this line very fast?" To which he'll likely say yes because his drawings are about his physical experience in drawing them right now. Then I'll confirm, "I thought so. It's dark and straight!"

I ask him questions about his choice of instrument: "Did you use a pencil for this?" "What would happen if you tried that with a marker/crayon/pen/etc...?"

I talk in depth about the drawings of the others because they are drawing for content and accuracy right now, to differing degrees and with different interests- for story-telling, character development for their stories, interactive drawing stories, diagramming various natural phenomena- weather patterns, parts of the earth, animals- habitat, anatomy, habits, elaborately designed ornamentation, etc....

My eldest wants artistic critique, so I give him that. I was an artist once...

Anyway, I just talk to my children with the same level of consideration and respect as I would an adult I loved and respected. They are competent and don't need the 'little' or abridged version of communication, imo.

And as pp have already written, because I don't use overt or specific praise, I am just more inclined to openly talk to my dc as opposed to evaluate them. So, I mean that I don't say anything to replace 'good job' because that sort of evaluation isn't in my vocabulary to begin with.

They receive my encouragement in myriad ways, so not praising doesn't mean not showing excitement or interest. I jump up and down too, and exclaim with complete sincerity, "Oh, sweetie! That's just beautiful!!! Keep doing that!!!" which is an evaluation, but I'm including it here because sometimes something is just so exciting that even a freethinker like me cannot help but do it. Usually I still express what I see or feel and there are lots of hugs and shoulder pats too, that go with the response. I am not robotic without 'good job'.

I would express my excitement the same way to an adult, but I wouldn't even think of saying, 'good job' to anyone- child or adult.

I cannot stand being told, 'good job' and my dc don't like it either. We had to discuss this specifically last year because a friend was saying it incessantly to my dc, and they were shutting down and avoiding my friend. We had never discussed it with them at all ever; they just felt disrespected because they had not been under such constant scrutiny before, even if it seemed positive to my friend.

So, we decided to tell our boys that they are free to ask our friend to just speak to them the way she would to an adult. Our ds2, then 4 yrs old, did! I was surprised that she so quickly understood his issue, but she did and asked him if he would like her just to say 'thank you' instead, and he replied emphatically, "YES!" She had told him, "Good job!" for bringing her the shoes she just finished asking him to give to her. Obviously it is an automatic response for her, but in reality, it is absurd to evaluate his 'job' of bringing shoes to her according to her request. "Thank you' is the culturally appropriate response to when someone obliges a request.

The issue I have and that Kohn and others have expressed, with praise, is that it removes the child's place to evaluate him/herself, and amongst other results, removes the intrinsic value of their work or accomplishment by presuming it requires praise to give it value. It is also a barrier to open conversation. How often do you love to engage in open dialogue with someone who responds with evaluations of everything you present? It's tedious at best and demeaning at the other end, imo. Children have the same response, ime.

My dh and other friends didn't believe me until I asked them to watch how much conversation they have with their/our dc after they've stated their evaluation of 'good job.' They were astonished to discover that it's the conversation stopper, and if it was the first thing expressed, it's the only thing expressed. Children shut down- even talkative ones and even dc who have been raised without it can be shut down once they realise they are being evaluated. Even my 26 month old is aware of this. It's so common that we have lots of opportunities to observe the dynamics of this sort of interaction.

If you are unsure of its effect, stop doing it for a while so dc can acclimate to more open conversation, and then add a 'good job' here and there and observe.
Wow! this is quite a response. It gives me a lot to think about as a first time mom with a little one just starting to do things on his own. Thanks!

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#32 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 02:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So here's a question: My little people always will ask: "Do you like it?" Now I am not sure if they want praise or if they just want an opinion. Is an opinion like praise? If you say you like what they have done, isn't that to them the same as praise? Then they will say...."Yes I like it but don't you like it too?" If you say that it is more important that THEY like it, will it make them think that you just don't want to say you don't like it after all?

Do any of you see where I am going with this question? I have absolutely NO idea how to answer this round of their questioning. It's very confusing and makes me want to say any way: "I really like your work. You did a good job on it."

What to do?
this is a great question!

Olien, i loved PreggieUBA2C response too

everyone has awesome info. i am loving this thread!

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#33 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 03:15 AM
 
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Not to sound like a downer, but as a child I would have loved it if my Dad, said Good Job. (Disclaimer, my mother committed suicide on my 10th B.D.). I would work so hard at school, etc. If I got a low A on my report card, say a 92, he would always ask what could I have done different to get a 100. If I cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floor, it may have been in his opinion o.k., but he would ask, it would have been even nicer if I had waxed the floor. So I never got well done, or you did great, or you got all A's (even if they were low), it was always the question, What could you have done to make this, what ever it was better. Talk about a downer. I am not talking about constant praise, Just every once in a while, it would have been nice. And to this day, I am always trying to please people, and I am 48. I try to compliment people all the time. If someone takes the time of day to call me, I always thank them, and let them know it means alot to me that someone cares. So did I praise my kids, you bet I did! Guess what, they are great adults now, and they always say, that we always made them feel loved, and special.
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#34 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 03:38 AM
 
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Not to sound like a downer, but as a child I would have loved it if my Dad, said Good Job. (Disclaimer, my mother committed suicide on my 10th B.D.). I would work so hard at school, etc. If I got a low A on my report card, say a 92, he would always ask what could I have done different to get a 100. If I cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floor, it may have been in his opinion o.k., but he would ask, it would have been even nicer if I had waxed the floor. So I never got well done, or you did great, or you got all A's (even if they were low), it was always the question, What could you have done to make this, what ever it was better. Talk about a downer. I am not talking about constant praise, Just every once in a while, it would have been nice. And to this day, I am always trying to please people, and I am 48. I try to compliment people all the time. If someone takes the time of day to call me, I always thank them, and let them know it means alot to me that someone cares. So did I praise my kids, you bet I did! Guess what, they are great adults now, and they always say, that we always made them feel loved, and special.
I'm sorry about your mom. That's rough. I never really got the questions like that. I also didn't get the "good job" thing either. Any "praise" I got came in the form of things like "huh, I never thought you'd be any good at art but that's not too bad". Thanks for your confidence in me? Like you, I'm 40 yrs old and am *just now* getting away from the constant need to please everyone, to hear a scrap of praise telling me I did well and to stop second guessing my strengths. I know for fact this has impacted a lot of areas in my life including my career and past relationships. I guess that's why I dispise Alfie Kohn so much because from my view of things, it would have been far more beneficial to my non-existent self esteem growing up to get that "good job" sprinkled in there once in a while than to be raised in such a humble house.
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#35 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 10:43 AM
 
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Well your situation wasn't praise vs. appreciaton worded in other ways, it was praise vs no appreciation or positive comments at all. In a home with a serious problem to overcome. I'm sure "good job" would have been preferable to what your father did.
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#36 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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I make a comment about what they actually did. (ie. "A purple sky... how cool!")

As my son gets older (he just turned 7), he honestly does just want to hear "Well done!" sometimes (he told me.)

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#37 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lovebug View Post
really how bad is good job? what can i put in place of that for a 2yo? what more can i say to the 7yo? am i just crazy and good job is just fine?

any and all advice is much wanted!
I say "good effort". I say "wow, you worked really hard on that!" (only if they did!). if they ask me "do you like it", I usually say "yes, I can see that you worked really hard on that".

I reward efforts.

Rewarding someone for the end results is like rewarding them for being smart... or rewarding them for being pretty... or rewarding them for being tall... Those are all traits that aren't under our control!

I don't give rewards for the end result, because it's irrelevant. What matters is the work that was put into it, and whether or not they did THEIR best.
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#38 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 01:19 PM
 
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I've had this list hanging on my fridge for 9 years now!

http://www.cta.org/community/family/...+Very+Good.htm
I didn't read the list, but from what I did read, 75% of them I wouldn't use in my vocabulary with my children, because most of them are still rewarding end results instead of rewarding efforts.
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#39 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 01:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
, "I like the flower and butterfly over here."
If you express praise over a particular part of the work, aren't you making it more likely that the next time DD or DS draws a picture, that they will include a flower or a butterfly? Mommy likes flowers and butterflies, so that's what I am going to draw. It may stifle their creativity to think of something different to draw next time.
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#40 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 01:28 PM
 
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If you express praise over a particular part of the work, aren't you making it more likely that the next time DD or DS draws a picture, that they will include a flower or a butterfly? Mommy likes flowers and butterflies, so that's what I am going to draw. It may stifle their creativity to think of something different to draw next time.
It hasn't for my dd, but if it did I would certainly stop doing that and do something else.
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#41 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 01:45 PM
 
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Here are a few I use

1) Praising effort -- Wow, you really thought hard about what to include in that essay!

2) Praising the values behind the action -- I really admired the way you thought about what your Grandma would like when making that card for her. You've included so many of her favorite things!

3) Making a comment that shows that you really paid attention to what they've done. "You used every single block in the block corner, what a complicated building. Tell me what you were thinking when you built it!" or "Hmmm, you used such bright colors here in the front, but you colored more gently in the background -- it really looks like that some days, especially in the morning before the fog drifts away". I think this is the difference between "You balanced really well on the beam." and "The transition from your round off to your handspring was soo smooth, I can tell you've really been practicing that move.". The second carries the message that their performance captivated you and you absorbed every minute of it.

4) Making a connection to their feelings. "I can tell how proud you feel from the smile on your face!" or "A blue ribbon, exactly what you were aiming for". (if they told you on the way in, I hope I win a blue ribbon).

Having said that, if I want my child to do a specific task, and he does it, I don't have a problem with "good job" or another comment that implies "yes, that's what I wanted". If I want my child to clear his plate after dinner, and one day he does it without reminders, then I'm going to let him know that I like that. I am going to make a judgement call. I'm not worried about increasing his effort or investment in plate clearing. I'm not worried that I'll stifle his creativity and that from now on he'll clear his plate exactly the same way every time. Similarly in the classroom, if it's a task with a clear right and wrong, I'll give feedback that they did in fact do it the right way (e.g. "Thanks for putting your coat away before you came to circle. Or "You remembered to check the sign for every problem. Good job!"). I try and vary what I say so it's not a broken record of "good job", "good job", but I do give feedback that confirms that they met my expectation.
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#42 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 03:08 PM
 
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If you express praise over a particular part of the work, aren't you making it more likely that the next time DD or DS draws a picture, that they will include a flower or a butterfly? Mommy likes flowers and butterflies, so that's what I am going to draw. It may stifle their creativity to think of something different to draw next time.
But then if you don't express admiration for some part of it...then are they not just as likely to think "gee, I guess mom doesn't like my pictures...I don't think I will make any more"

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#43 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 05:17 PM
 
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For my own kids I usually say Right on! or That is too cool! or Awesome or You totally Rock! Woo-hoo! or Yes! Give high 5's etc...

For my little guys (daycare kids) I usually put on a huge show as in " OH. MY. GOSH. THAT IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE PICTURE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! DID YOU DO THAT? NOOOOOO, YOU COULDN'T HAVE. WHAT!? YOU DID? YOU ARE SO AWESOME!! at which point they'll usually hold up another one or someone else will, then it's "WHAT?! ANOTHER ONE?! THIS IS CRAZY! YOU (GUYS) ARE THE WORLD'S BEST COLORERS (BUILDERS/CLEANER UPPERS, ETC) and so on....while I'm saying (yelling) this I am usually waving my arms around and such. ( I'm kind of over the top with kids : )
They get a big kick out of it!
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#44 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 05:25 PM
 
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(e.g. "Thanks for putting your coat away before you came to circle. Or "You remembered to check the sign for every problem. Good job!"
That's an example of a tag. It's a method recommended by Bailey in "Easy to Love, difficult to discipline" for occasional use. You're providing a judgment, but you're also explaining why you have that opinion.

Her suggested pattern is observation, comment, optional tag. Such as "you picked up the blocks, now they'll be easy to find when we want to play with them, (good work!)" And observation is something that you could take a picture of with a camera.

I get the heebie-jeebies when people say things like "good sharing" "good choice" and such. Keep feeling like they're going to say "good breathing" or "good blinking!" (Which would be totally okay to say to a child who had to work at those.)
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#45 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 06:42 PM
 
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Moved to Gentle Discipline

 

 

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#46 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 06:44 PM
 
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If you express praise over a particular part of the work, aren't you making it more likely that the next time DD or DS draws a picture, that they will include a flower or a butterfly? Mommy likes flowers and butterflies, so that's what I am going to draw. It may stifle their creativity to think of something different to draw next time.
I think you underestimate children's imaginations and the reasons why they are drawn to art and creativity.

My dd is almost 7 and she doesn't draw for me because she draws for herself. She is driven by a need to make marks on paper to express her feelings in words and pictures, copy what she sees around her and also record her flights of fantasy.

The only reason she includes me is because she herself thinks her pictures are so cool that I too will think they are. I'm not validating her: I am sharing her joy.

Have a look at Ken Robinson here. It isn't about praise but it is about creativity.

FTR I have never said good job in my life. It isn't something we say in the UK!
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#47 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 07:16 PM
 
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Also, expressing what you like is a bit different than an overall definitive statement of what is good and bad. "I like . . ." isn't quite the same as "You are . . " There's a difference in subjectivity vs. objectivity. Kids dont' get that what you say is really just what you like or think. If you say something IS good then they take that literally. If you simply say you like something, they take that literally as well.
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#48 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 10:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LVale View Post
Not to sound like a downer, but as a child I would have loved it if my Dad, said Good Job. (Disclaimer, my mother committed suicide on my 10th B.D.). I would work so hard at school, etc. If I got a low A on my report card, say a 92, he would always ask what could I have done different to get a 100.


I'm sorry. My dad and yours would have gotten along GREAT!

Although I've tried to dial down the constant stream of "good job," I do tell my kids how proud I am of them, let them know they things I think they do exceptionally well, and I always let them know that their best is good enough.

There are so many more complex issues with praise/feedback with our kids beyond what to say about preschool art work. As they get older and get grades that aren't always perfect or play in sports where they don't win, new issues come up. Is the message that we want to teach our kids that things are only worth doing if they do them well? Aren't some things worth doing even if you aren't the best? Don't we want to teach them to do their best even when the outcome isn't going to be as good as someone else's?

I don't think a constant stream of praise is good for kids BUT:
  • I tell my kids "thank you" for helping around the house. I really appreciate their help and I let them know it.
  • I tell them I am proud of their grades and the work they represent. We encourage them to get all A and B, but don't pay or reward or make any sort of difference between As and Bs. We don't want to encourage perfectionism. We'd really like them to enjoying learning for its own sake and not be too hung up on grades. We celebrate the end of term by going out to eat and talking about how well they did, specific projects they did, etc.
  • We don't make a big deal out of looks at our house, but I do tell my kids that they are beautiful, I like their hair, a particular
    color looks good on them, etc.

I don't want my kids to be praise junkies but I do tell them, in lots of different ways, how amazing and wonderful they are.

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Originally Posted by lonegirl View Post
But then if you don't express admiration for some part of it...then are they not just as likely to think "gee, I guess mom doesn't like my pictures...I don't think I will make any more"
Ultimately, it would be nice if they made pictures because they enjoy making pictures, not because mommy likes their pictures.

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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
Also, expressing what you like is a bit different than an overall definitive statement of what is good and bad. "I like . . ." isn't quite the same as "You are . . " There's a difference in subjectivity vs. objectivity. Kids dont' get that what you say is really just what you like or think. If you say something IS good then they take that literally. If you simply say you like something, they take that literally as well.
agreed.

The thing I'll add is that taking more time to really look at what've they done and say something specific about seems like a safe way to go. I think showing genuine euthusism and wonder at how amazing our kids are is good for them, but just ryhming off a phrase like "good job" doesn't really give them much.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#49 of 61 Old 01-09-2010, 11:18 PM
 
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I like to show how what they did affected either how I feel about it ("I really love how you used those colors on your picture! I like the colors on the flowers the best because it makes the house stand out more, and I really like the house. What made you decide to color the roof that color?"), or how it would affect themselves ("Wow! Look at how clean your room is now! And now it will be easier to find things. Did you find anything interesting while you were cleaning? Maybe something you thought you lost?")

I also like to say things like "Thank you very much for helping me carry my groceries inside (even if it's just a couple apples). Was it heavy to carry?", and maybe I'll offer to help them with something.

But if you're looking to praise, saying "Thank you for your help! You did a great job helping me clean my floors today" then showing them the efforts of their work ("See how it's all shiny now?"), is a better way of saying "You're a great helper!", and is more rewarding to the child than being told they just did a "good job". Being a great helper might be true right now, but the next time they might not be such a great help at all, and "good job" is sort of (at least to me) like you're looking for them to do it FOR YOU.

Slightly OT (but along the same method)... My daughter sometimes doesn't want to drink her water, and I'll sometimes ask "Can you please take a sip for me?"... And I CRINGE EVERY SINGLE TIME I say it. What do I care if she takes a sip for ME? What I DO care about is that she remains well hydrated. So I often have to stop and think about how I want to ask her to please drink the water. So I'll stop myself and ask instead "You must be thirsty. You haven't had much to drink today. Can you take just a small sip and then you can have some more later?"

I hate "good job". I really do.
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#50 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 01:49 AM
 
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I wanted to add a few things (since I already wrote a novella on the first page ).

The first is that I didn't receive any praise as a child, but that wasn't what my parents did to damage my self-esteem. That part made a lot of sense because I did learn to assess my own efforts and results. They didn't show any appreciation for me or my work, though, which is where things went wrong for my self esteem. I show a lot of appreciation for my dc and their work without praise. Praise does not equal appreciation and neither does appreciation equal praise, imo.

I find it degrading and emetic when others think they are being positive toward me when they exclaim praise phrases: "Wow, Good job on such and such!" Part of me is wondering why they seem so surprised (did they expect less?) and the other part wonders why they think I've invited them to evaluate what I've already deemed worth sharing as if I were needing their approval. I find that offensive.

What is more offensive to me is and was as a child, when adults have praised my effort as though they know what effort I put in. Most of my life I have not had the resources to actually do anything to my potential, and in spite of that have accomplished much more than my 'peers' in schools and others aspects of my life, so when I am forced to work in very substandard and otherwise poor conditions and manage to still accomplish something within that framework, praise for my efforts is insulting.

I realise this is very personal, but for me, I don't either have the need to exert much effort or if I wanted to, I don't have what I need to do so. I am a very competent person, and like my dc, if someone thinks that I must have put a lot of effort into something completely mundane to me, then I am insulted. Quietly, mind you, but still. I would much prefer that when I present something to someone, they choose to tell me that they appreciate it or what interests them about it, and if nothing, then say nothing, other than maybe 'thank you.'

I submitted a business proposal a few years ago, and it was excruciating to sit through the meeting wherein everyone ooo'd and aaahh'd over how professional and excellent it was, along with a huge amount of surprise. I knew a few of the people personally and they went on for a week or two about how surprised they were that I could do something like that. I spent an afternoon putting together a proposal that incorporated years worth of learning and understanding. At that point, little effort was required because I had the competence to accomplish it with ease, like most things I do when I'm not hindered. And how had my abilities escaped their attention for so long? This was a very low expression of my abilities and yet there they were lauding me as though I'd completely outdone myself.

I always think of this when I talk about my dc's efforts. I will talk about their efforts when I know what they've done and they've expressed their own evaluations of their efforts. I don't assume that they've worked really hard on something just because of what I see they've accomplished. What if they did it in a minute or two and put little effort in and I assume they are less capable by assuming a huge amount of effort?

Sorry for the convolutions; I'm making a huge dinner and typing between trips to the stove, counter and fridge and talking with each of my dc while I also help dh deal with a frozen and clogged pipe...

Well, I've been absent for 8 months, and during that time, it turns out that I have completely transformed. You are all precious. Thank you for being here and sharing your lives. You are truly a gift. namaste.gif Jan. 23, 2012

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#51 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 02:52 AM
 
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I haven't read all the replies, but here goes:

1.) Saying "Good job" is not *inherently wrong*. The problem is that it becomes meaningless and external if it's just tossed about. If you say "Good job!" at the end of a conversation with your child after you two discuss working hard, using creativity, perseverence and how they feel about it themselves, AND if you truly think it is exceptional, "Good job" is appropriate. Most of the time though, it is not used that way.

2.) Things like "Well done!" is the same thing.

3.) I often start out with some variation of "Look at THAT!" ("Look at that picture! Wow!"). It's now open for a two way street. I can make note of things I find particularly interesting ("All that purple!" or "Is this you in the house?") or he can tell me ("I made it this afternoon." or "Its you and Daddy.").
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#52 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 05:14 AM
 
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But then if you don't express admiration for some part of it...then are they not just as likely to think "gee, I guess mom doesn't like my pictures...I don't think I will make any more"
I didn't say don't express admiration. I said admire their efforts. "Yes, I like your picture, I know you worked very hard on it!"
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#53 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 05:19 AM
 
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I think you underestimate children's imaginations and the reasons why they are drawn to art and creativity.
My comments are only based on what my personal experience has been. My DS really struggled in JK and SK because his fine motor skills were late to develop. He got so frustrated with trying to stay "in the lines", or to draw pictures of things that were realistic looking, that he just stopped colouring all together, and it became a real battle for him in school.

It wasn't until I started praising his efforts in his work that I started to see him relaxing a bit about the whole subject. When he knew that mommy and daddy would love his work if he worked really hard on it, no matter what it looked like in the end, then he was more accepting of the fact that he wasn't yet able to stay in the lines or to draw the objects accurately.

I think perhaps you may be underestimating the damaging effects that praise of results can have on children of an impressionable age.
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#54 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 06:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post
I didn't say don't express admiration. I said admire their efforts. "Yes, I like your picture, I know you worked very hard on it!"
i like how you put that!

Your life doesnât change by the man whos elected. If your loved by someone you can't be rejected... decide what to be and go be it! If your a caged bird brake in and demand that somebody free it.
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#55 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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I think perhaps you may be underestimating the damaging effects that praise of results can have on children of an impressionable age.
I think the difference is that I have chosen not to send my 7yo to school.
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#56 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 02:25 PM
 
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I think the difference is that I have chosen not to send my 7yo to school.
Perhaps we are not so different. I chose to put mine in a different school
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#57 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 02:32 PM
 
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Have a look at Ken Robinson here. It isn't about praise but it is about creativity.
this is great, really worth watching

orangefoot did you read any of Ken Robinson's books?

Joanna WAHM to DS 10/2007
You must be the change you wish to see - Ghandi
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#58 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 08:43 PM
 
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Wow! this is quite a response.


It was that post that prompted me to request that this thread be moved into GD so the parenting method hobbyists could enjoy it.
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#59 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 08:54 PM
 
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Not to sound like a downer, but as a child I would have loved it if my Dad, said Good Job. (Disclaimer, my mother committed suicide on my 10th B.D.). I would work so hard at school, etc. If I got a low A on my report card, say a 92, he would always ask what could I have done different to get a 100. If I cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floor, it may have been in his opinion o.k., but he would ask, it would have been even nicer if I had waxed the floor. So I never got well done, or you did great, or you got all A's (even if they were low), it was always the question, What could you have done to make this, what ever it was better. Talk about a downer. I am not talking about constant praise, Just every once in a while, it would have been nice. And to this day, I am always trying to please people, and I am 48. I try to compliment people all the time. If someone takes the time of day to call me, I always thank them, and let them know it means alot to me that someone cares. So did I praise my kids, you bet I did! Guess what, they are great adults now, and they always say, that we always made them feel loved, and special.
See part of the problem with "Good Job!" is that it can be the passive-agressive form of dismissing the child. Your father was agressive, he looked for something you didn't do instead of showing an interest in what you did do. What can happen with "good job" is that it can be used as a way to avoid having to be interested in what the child has done.

It's not abusive, the way your father was, but it's also not ideal.
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#60 of 61 Old 01-10-2010, 09:10 PM
 
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What can happen with "good job" is that it can be used as a way to avoid having to be interested in what the child has done.
It can also be a way of showing too much interest in what your child has done. Saying "good job" for every little thing gives the message that you're actually noticing whether or not the child does a "good job" coloring or going down the slide or putting a puzzle together, and that you care about it enough that you might be disappointed if she did a bad job. It can be nice to get some appreciation for a drawing you're pleased with, but sometimes it's nice to just draw for fun without worrying about whether anyone thinks you've done a good job.
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