"Kids Are Worth It", book discussion part two - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 5 Old 02-25-2004, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK folks -

I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes, and I am not trying to run the show but I thought I'd start a new thread for the next chapter, if nobody minds.

Actually, we can talk about the next two chapters (3 & 4) if everyone has read that far. They are two sides of the same coin.

When I got through reading chapter 3, I felt paralyzed. I felt like there were no options besides just letting DS roam free and suffer whatever consequences might happen. I think a lot of people never get past this when first learning about GD. They either discard the whole idea as too lenient or else they start parenting their children too permissively, thinking they are using GD principles. I mean - you can't punish them, you can't bribe them (these are ugly words, but I'm sure we have all done it: "If you sit quietly in church, we can go to IHOP after" etc.). Not only can you not punish the bad behavior, you can't even reward the good behavior! Even *praise* is bad! What is left? Luckily we have chapter 4 to save us.

Chapter 4 draws some pretty fine lines between praise and encouragement, punishment and consequence, etc. For me this was where the real shift in perception took place. At first I felt a little skeptical - like it was just semantics. Like saying "That's not right" instead of "That's wrong." But, I have decided that even though it really is a matter of semantics in some ways, it's important to phrase things in a positive, proactive way rather than negatively. I agree with Coloroso when she says that saying "That's not right" opens the door to the possibility that the thing in question could be made right, whereas saying it's wrong is more of a dead end.

However, I still think some of her suggestions are actually kind of passive-aggressive. Like making comments. If I stand over DH (Cole is still too young for all this - I have a lot of opinions for someone whose kid is not even 2 yet, huh?? Isn't that always how it goes ) and say, "The floor needs to be swept," he'd be like, "Are you asking me to sweep it or are you just making an observation?" I prefer straightforward requests, rather than open ended statements that kind of come across as "hint, hint".
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#2 of 5 Old 02-25-2004, 04:34 PM
 
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Hi all. Thanks for starting the new thread and sharing your reactions, famousmockngbrd. I hope to post some reflections on 3 & 4 soon and I look forward to what everyone has to say. H
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#3 of 5 Old 02-28-2004, 01:16 AM
 
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By all means, run with it! I was hoping someone would. I feel so guilty for coming up with the idea and vanishing, but my life got suddenly crazy and beyond hectic, and I have not even had a chance to contemplate reading, let alone sit down with a book. Keep things going and I will try to get back on track.

Promise!
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#4 of 5 Old 03-05-2004, 05:47 PM
 
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I actually tend to say things like "the floor needs sweeping" rather than asking directly, which annoys my partner. I'm trying to be more direct! However, I think that ch 4 does halp clear up some difficult ideas. Want to read them again before more comments. (Just had a birth--my own--so time to read now when I'm resting and can't sleep).
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#5 of 5 Old 03-05-2004, 08:52 PM
 
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For those of you with more experience...

I'm wondering about this "convince me" approach that the author suggests as an alternative to "no." I think this could really encourage logical thinking on the part of the child, but couldn't it also open the door to an endless session of nagging? How to bring this to a close when you've finally decided that "no" is, after all, your answer???
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