Basic tips for parenting_any suggestions? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 09-14-2016, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Smile Basic tips for parenting_any suggestions?

If you have young children, you know exactly what it takes to be a good parent. Here are the basics for newcomers and not only

1)Patience. Being the mother of two young children, 4 and 7 years old, I think that being patient reserves you much more energy than you can imagine. If you wait a little before you react to the stimulus, you can win the case without much effort

2)Consistence. If you say one thing today and the opposite tomorrow you won’t make it very far. Staying solid at your beliefs, teaches the child that he cannot always have it his way; and thus must learn to adjust.

3)Love. Making your little ones believe that you actually love them can help you convince them that your actions is for their best interest. Love makes miracles. Try, practice and repeat and then you can move on to the next steps!
'
I am waiting for your suggestions!
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#2 of 16 Old 09-14-2016, 03:34 PM
 
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Here are the basics for newcomers
Are you not a newcomer with only 1 post
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#3 of 16 Old 09-15-2016, 10:12 AM
 
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I think she may have meant newcomers to the world of parenting.

My suggestion is to always remind one another that even when we get angry we still love one another.
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#4 of 16 Old 09-15-2016, 10:43 AM
 
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who is angry?
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#5 of 16 Old 09-15-2016, 11:16 AM
 
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who is angry?

I think she meant that as just a good parenting tip, not a comment to anyone in the thread.

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#6 of 16 Old 09-15-2016, 05:26 PM
 
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OOOhhhh! I see.
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#7 of 16 Old 09-15-2016, 07:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lina Pantalina View Post
2)Consistence. If you say one thing today and the opposite tomorrow you won’t make it very far. Staying solid at your beliefs, teaches the child that he cannot always have it his way; and thus must learn to adjust.
I think this is over-rated. I think it is perfectly fine to be inconsistent if you explain why you are changing. I think that nothing teaches a child to be thoughtful, empathic, flexible and a good problem-solver to sometimes hear a parent say something like:

"Remember yesterday when I told you that you couldn't ____ and you got really upset? I honestly didn't realize it was so important to you. It got me thinking. I looked into the risks a bit more and they're not actually as bad as I thought, and you are getting older and stronger all the time. So I thought that if you could agree to do ___ in order to help keep me from worrying, maybe we could give it a try tomorrow."

I mean obviously parents should behave in keeping with their own values. But beliefs about disciplinary matters and about children's behaviour, well, those things are very context-related, and when the context changes I think those beliefs should be questioned and adjusted as appropriate. Parents aren't always right. There is nothing wrong with kids seeing their parents responding and adapting, so long as they understand why they're doing so.

Miranda

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#8 of 16 Old 09-15-2016, 07:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moominmamma View Post
I think this is over-rated. I think it is perfectly fine to be inconsistent if you explain why you are changing. I think that nothing teaches a child to be thoughtful, empathic, flexible and a good problem-solver to sometimes hear a parent say something like:



"Remember yesterday when I told you that you couldn't ____ and you got really upset? I honestly didn't realize it was so important to you. It got me thinking. I looked into the risks a bit more and they're not actually as bad as I thought, and you are getting older and stronger all the time. So I thought that if you could agree to do ___ in order to help keep me from worrying, maybe we could give it a try tomorrow."



I mean obviously parents should behave in keeping with their own values. But beliefs about disciplinary matters and about children's behaviour, well, those things are very context-related, and when the context changes I think those beliefs should be questioned and adjusted as appropriate. Parents aren't always right. There is nothing wrong with kids seeing their parents responding and adapting, so long as they understand why they're doing so.



Miranda


Love this.

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#9 of 16 Old 09-20-2016, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Are you not a newcomer with only 1 post
Of course I am a newcomer, writing to other newcomers!
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#10 of 16 Old 09-20-2016, 01:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by moominmamma View Post
I think this is over-rated. I think it is perfectly fine to be inconsistent if you explain why you are changing. I think that nothing teaches a child to be thoughtful, empathic, flexible and a good problem-solver to sometimes hear a parent say something like:

"Remember yesterday when I told you that you couldn't ____ and you got really upset? I honestly didn't realize it was so important to you. It got me thinking. I looked into the risks a bit more and they're not actually as bad as I thought, and you are getting older and stronger all the time. So I thought that if you could agree to do ___ in order to help keep me from worrying, maybe we could give it a try tomorrow."

I mean obviously parents should behave in keeping with their own values. But beliefs about disciplinary matters and about children's behaviour, well, those things are very context-related, and when the context changes I think those beliefs should be questioned and adjusted as appropriate. Parents aren't always right. There is nothing wrong with kids seeing their parents responding and adapting, so long as they understand why they're doing so.

Miranda
By consistency I mean that we had better do as promised
eg.if you say you can't play playstation for 1hour and the kid starts to whine and you give in to his pleadings, he will learn that crying and whining can give him what his wants . Of course we can adjust to the different circumstances every day, but keep some of the values.
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#11 of 16 Old 09-20-2016, 01:38 PM
 
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By consistency I mean that we had better do as promised
eg.if you say you can't play playstation for 1hour and the kid starts to whine and you give in to his pleadings, he will learn that crying and whining can give him what his wants . Of course we can adjust to the different circumstances every day, but keep some of the values.
Well, I still disagree. I can think of times when I have said no to something and my kid has responded in a hugely negative way (crying, etc.), and instead of sticking to my guns I've asked for help understanding why the issue is so big for them, talked about where my reticence is coming from, given them an opportunity to address my objections, and found a mutually agreeable solution. Which might have meant changing my no to a yes.

I don't believe that teaches kids that crying and whining works. I think it teaches them that when a person is really upset, the people who care about them will take the time to find out why they are upset and will listen carefully and evaluate new information. And sometimes this listening and discussing will provide a path to solving a problem.

Capriciously changing rules and expectations with no warning and no explanation is bad. But I don't think it's the changing that's the problem for kids. It's the no-warning/no-explanation part. They can't make sense of why their parents sometimes respond one way and sometimes another. Share with them the 'why' and they'll not only avoid the stress of being blind-sided, but they'll learn to listen and collaborate to resolve conflicts.

ETA: Of course you shouldn't give in to every little whine from your child. If you had good reasons to draw a limit, and your child has done nothing other than whine and complain, changing your mind "because you're driving my nuts with that whining" is going to lead to problems. But rather than setting consistency as being a golden rule of parenting I would say "If you change your mind, have a good reason for doing so, and share that reason with your child."

Miranda

Mountain mama to one great kid and three great grown-ups

Last edited by moominmamma; 09-20-2016 at 01:51 PM.
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#12 of 16 Old 09-21-2016, 07:36 AM
 
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This is like the rules for taking a standardized test. If the answer says "always" or "never" it's the wrong answer.

There are few absolutes in this world. And in parenting, even less.
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#13 of 16 Old 10-11-2016, 04:42 AM
 
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I tend to agree with the OP.

Being consistent is very important, but we have to look at what we are being consistent about.

I would say that we need to be consistent in our principles in very important.

For example, I don't smack my children.

If I smacked them one day because the kitchen table -still- had their sowing stuff all over it an hour after I asked them to clear it, then that would be an example of unhealthy inconsistency (as well as unhealthy in other ways... let us not list the ways here).

However, after an hour, calling them to account is not inconsistent with principle, even if after a group discussion one decides to let the gear stay on the table longer. Perhaps, if it is not essential that the sowing stuff be removed, the one hour time limit was draconian in the first place, or maybe a starting point for working out when it should be moved.

a
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#14 of 16 Old 10-11-2016, 07:10 AM
 
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I agree that we should be consistent in our principles.. after all they are an important measure of what is true and good and right. These are things our children must master to be successful (not financially but the truly important things) and happy people.
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#15 of 16 Old 10-11-2016, 07:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by moominmamma View Post
Well, I still disagree. I can think of times when I have said no to something and my kid has responded in a hugely negative way (crying, etc.), and instead of sticking to my guns I've asked for help understanding why the issue is so big for them, talked about where my reticence is coming from, given them an opportunity to address my objections, and found a mutually agreeable solution. Which might have meant changing my no to a yes.

I don't believe that teaches kids that crying and whining works. I think it teaches them that when a person is really upset, the people who care about them will take the time to find out why they are upset and will listen carefully and evaluate new information. And sometimes this listening and discussing will provide a path to solving a problem.

Capriciously changing rules and expectations with no warning and no explanation is bad. But I don't think it's the changing that's the problem for kids. It's the no-warning/no-explanation part. They can't make sense of why their parents sometimes respond one way and sometimes another. Share with them the 'why' and they'll not only avoid the stress of being blind-sided, but they'll learn to listen and collaborate to resolve conflicts.

ETA: Of course you shouldn't give in to every little whine from your child. If you had good reasons to draw a limit, and your child has done nothing other than whine and complain, changing your mind "because you're driving my nuts with that whining" is going to lead to problems. But rather than setting consistency as being a golden rule of parenting I would say "If you change your mind, have a good reason for doing so, and share that reason with your child."

Miranda

I am quoting Miranda because I think this is one of the wiser posts I have seen on any forum in a while. I really don't have much to add either as you nailed the nuances so well Miranda. Your child is blessed to have such a wise mother.
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#16 of 16 Old 07-03-2019, 04:45 AM
 
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Here are some basic tips for parenting :-

Identify your child's strengths.
Punishing a child is not as effective as using praise and rewards.
Avoid anger, sarcasm, and ridicule
Give support if they need it.
Childrens need positive attention.
Be A Safe Haven For Your Child.
Monitor your child’s use of Internet.

Hope it helps you !!
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