Can I rebuild my relationship with my 7 year old - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 4 Old 05-06-2020, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Rebuilding Trust

I smacked my child last night, when was at my wits end on what to do. last night I discovered she stole something from me and I lost it, I yelled at her, walked up to her when she was in bed and smacked her. I have smacked before and I am a yeller, im trying so hard to find a better way but it seems like the gentle discipline just doesn't work, they nod and say yes but 5 minutes later its back to the yelling, fighting with each other, etc.
I love my children more than anything, they are my life but I find myself tired, overwhelmed so much that I have resorted to the quick results of a light smack.my 7 year old argues at every turn and Ive gotten to the point where before she even starts im like nope, don't wanna hear it!. She is a joy to be around when she wants to but has trouble controlling her emotions and anger and I haven't been an example to her on how to do this. My 3 year old is constantly on me, she wants mommy 24X7 and its exhausting, im her person and I love that but I have swatted her behind when I have felt overwhelmed or just couldn't deal. I feel like im failing at being a good mother! im constantly trying to find time to do things with them, give them 1:1 time, just be there for them and feel like im losing myself a bit.
I see a pattern where I smack her and am overwhelmed with guilt and then I hug her, apologize and the behavior doesn't change, back to the arguing again within minutes. Honestly this time while I feel so horribly guilty, I spoke to her about what happened. She asked if im upset with her/if im happy and I told her im upset with myself for the way I reacted but also that it doesn't erase that she did something wrong and the consequences still stand (No TV for a week). and yesterday I saw such a change, she did all her homework, she let me work and do my meetings without interruption. she cried for a few minutes because her sister got to watch tv while I was on a meeting, but I explained again that I get she's upset but her consequences stand. she went to her room and figured out a great project to keep herself busy! yes we still had moments but it was a much calmer day than I've had in a long long time.

I have made the conscious decision to not smack the kids again. But how does one come back and undo the past? my kids are both very close to me and we hug and kiss all the time. but I've definitely noticed the older one lies about little things for attention, I think this is part because she fears being smacked. How do I come back from that? I have told her it will never happen again but the trust? how can I regain that?

Last edited by shram; 05-07-2020 at 12:31 PM.
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#2 of 4 Old 09-21-2020, 04:44 AM
 
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That I called platonic love in relationships. Thanks for this thread.
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#3 of 4 Old 09-21-2020, 11:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by shram View Post
I smacked my child last night, when was at my wits end on what to do. last night I discovered she stole something from me and I lost it, I yelled at her, walked up to her when she was in bed and smacked her. I have smacked before and I am a yeller, im trying so hard to find a better way but it seems like the gentle discipline just doesn't work, they nod and say yes but 5 minutes later its back to the yelling, fighting with each other, etc.
I love my children more than anything, they are my life but I find myself tired, overwhelmed so much that I have resorted to the quick results of a light smack.my 7 year old argues at every turn and Ive gotten to the point where before she even starts im like nope, don't wanna hear it!. She is a joy to be around when she wants to but has trouble controlling her emotions and anger and I haven't been an example to her on how to do this. My 3 year old is constantly on me, she wants mommy 24X7 and its exhausting, im her person and I love that but I have swatted her behind when I have felt overwhelmed or just couldn't deal. I feel like im failing at being a good mother! im constantly trying to find time to do things with them, give them 1:1 time, just be there for them and feel like im losing myself a bit.
I see a pattern where I smack her and am overwhelmed with guilt and then I hug her, apologize and the behavior doesn't change, back to the arguing again within minutes. Honestly this time while I feel so horribly guilty, I spoke to her about what happened. She asked if im upset with her/if im happy and I told her im upset with myself for the way I reacted but also that it doesn't erase that she did something wrong and the consequences still stand (No TV for a week). and yesterday I saw such a change, she did all her homework, she let me work and do my meetings without interruption. she cried for a few minutes because her sister got to watch tv while I was on a meeting, but I explained again that I get she's upset but her consequences stand. she went to her room and figured out a great project to keep herself busy! yes we still had moments but it was a much calmer day than I've had in a long long time.

I have made the conscious decision to not smack the kids again. But how does one come back and undo the past? my kids are both very close to me and we hug and kiss all the time. but I've definitely noticed the older one lies about little things for attention, I think this is part because she fears being smacked. How do I come back from that? I have told her it will never happen again but the trust? how can I regain that?
Everybody has negative emotions and selfish impulses. But to make friends, we need to keep these responses under control. Studies of Western kids suggest that children develop better emotional self-control when their parents talk to them about their feelings in a sympathetic, problem-solving way.

By contrast, kids whose negative emotions are usually trivialized (“You’re just being silly”) or punished (“Go to your room and cool off”) tend to have more trouble with self-control (Davidov and Grusec 1996; Denham 1997; Denham et al 1997; Denham 1989; Denham and Grout 1993; Eisenberg et al 1996).

Does emotion coaching really help kids make friends? That seems likely. A recent study found that that the emotion socialization strategies mothers used on their 5-year-olds predicted changes in how well their children regulated their own emotions. This, in turn, was linked with children's friendship quality 2-5 years later
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#4 of 4 Old 09-27-2020, 01:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kimilimes View Post
That I called platonic love in relationships like in this review https://www.happymatches.com/blog/hook-up/hookup-apps. Thanks for this thread.
Seems interesting.
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