Am I doing this right? Reassurance and/or advice please. - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 4 Old 01-20-2005, 01:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure I'm doing this GD thing right. Let me give you some examples and get your feedback....This morning it was time to go to "school" (day-care) and Ds is now becoming independent and walks to the car himself, gets in the car himself and gets in the carseat himself. (I still have to buckle him in of course) This morning he was not wanting to get in the carseat. I talked to him for several minutes about who he is going to play with today and what they are going to do all in the hopes of making him excited to go and jump into the seat. I also tried to tell him that if he got in the seat I would go get his stuffed puppy and let him ride to school with us. He wanted the puppy but not enough to get into the seat. I then said "well I guess we need to go back in the house if you're not going to get in your seat" and proceeded to get him out of the car. He protested and I gave him another chance at getting in. Finally after several minutes he still was not getting in and I told him "mommy needs to help you get in your seat because it's time to go now". I then had to force him into his seat which I just HATE. He cried and after I buckled him up, I explained to him that I had to help him into the seat and that maybe next time he could get into the seat all by himself. He did calm down right away after that. (did I mention that it's freezing here in the Midwest and standing in the cold the first thing in the morning is not really helping my patience?)

Also this morning, I had turned my computer on to check email and my screen saver is a picture of him with his pony. He loves looking at it. He sat and looked at it while I got dressed. Then it was time for him to get dressed. I asked him several times to come get dressed, told him why we were getting dressed (to go to school). Explained to him that once we got dressed he could go play with his friends at school. He wouldn't budge. I finally turned the screen of the computer off and told him we need to get dressed now. He cried and I told him that if he got dressed I would turn it back on for him to say good-bye. He accepted this and did get dressed and I did turn the screen back on and we said good-bye to his picture. He was fine with me turning it back off again after this.

I use this tactic a lot. "If you ____ then I/we will _____." I worry about being manipulative though. I have heard other people talk about the "first and then" tactic and I wonder if I'm using it right. Let me know your thoughts or suggestions. Am I being respectful to him? Thanks for your help and advice.
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#2 of 4 Old 01-20-2005, 03:18 PM
 
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I don't agree with the bribery method. You shouldn't have to bend over backward and spit nickles for your kid to do his part ( as long as your asking him to do something within his age range).

I DO agree that you should be respectful to him. Give him lots of advanced notice about what's going to happen, lot's of reminders about when your leaving, and what will happen when you get in the car. The car seat is one of those things that there is no room for negotiation with me, either you get in within a resonable amount of time, or I will put you in...or as you mentioned, if we're on our way to do something for them..a play date, the park...guess what, we're not going. End of story.
Something like the computer thing... I would maybe have told him "finish looking at the picture, I'm going to turn it off soon." Then when I'm coming to turn it off, I'd say "I'm coming to turn off the picture now. Let's say "bye...bye picture..do you want to press the off button or me? Ok, click.." Your son may cry...it's ok if he's sad...you can't save him from having disappointments.
I know with my kids, I have to be trustworthy and credible. If I say this___is going to happen and then _____, they know I'm for real. I have never, and won't resort to bribery. I think it sends the wrong message.
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#3 of 4 Old 01-20-2005, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cmb123
I DO agree that you should be respectful to him. Give him lots of advanced notice about what's going to happen, lot's of reminders about when your leaving, and what will happen when you get in the car.


I have never, and won't resort to bribery. I think it sends the wrong message.
Thank you. I think the reminders about what is going to happen is definitely something I need to work on.

About the bribery...was it the puppy dog and the turning the screen back on that you viewed as bribery? I figured that's probably what I was doing in those situations but just didn't know how to get him to get dressed and get in the car. I sometimes feel like I need to offer him something so that I know he will willingly do whatever it is that I ask. I hate being physical with him by forcing him into the seat and trying to hold him down to dress him. If it was the weekend or after work I would just wait it out and talk him through it and I know that he would eventually come around. But I have a boss that expects me to be at work at a certain time, KWIM? I can't just wait it out sometimes. Thanks.
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#4 of 4 Old 01-20-2005, 04:52 PM
 
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[QUOTE=garrettsmommy]. I hate being physical with him by forcing him into the seat and trying to hold him down to dress him. QUOTE]

Yeah, that never feels good. But I think if there is lot's of reminders, and letting him know in advance that things are going to happen, and consistancy in your responce, you'll find that those things will happen less and less ( can't guarantee never ) I'm one of those people who believes that kids find comfort in predictablity and consistancy in their parents responce.
I'm a single parent of 3 little ones, and have to get to work in the morning too ( and they to school). It's annoying to spend the morning reminding and giving 5 minute warnings for this, 2 minute warnings for that...remembering that when I need to pause and let them have 5 seconds to finish something ( I can't just expect the 4 year old to drop her crayon in the middle of a picture even if I a gave her a head's up). But in the end...the broken record that I am seems to work with out too much fuss.
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