Is holding a child against their wishes GD? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 35 Old 11-22-2006, 09:55 PM
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I really think there are some children who are disturbed by their own lack of control, and feel better knowing that there is a strong person who will protect them from themselves and keep them safe.
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#32 of 35 Old 11-22-2006, 10:48 PM
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My 3 year old ds often has fits where he would destroy everything in sight and harm himself and others. The only way I have found to keep him safe is restraining him. Does he like it? No. I don't either but he usually calms down fairly quickly.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#33 of 35 Old 11-23-2006, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
Actually, for my own almost 3-yo (who is very intense), if I try to calmly talk to him when he's really flipping out and discuss alternatives and try to help, it makes things SO, SO much worse. I have learned which flip-outs are ones where I calmly say to him, "I understand you're mad, let me know when you want to talk" and stay nearby, and which flip-outs are major ones where the only thing that will help him calm down is me hugging him while he works out the emotions, simply so he doesn't hurt himself or destroy anything.
I could have written that. My ds, who just turned 3, is also very intense. He's also very sensitive to noise and crowds. If he started to freak out and we can't get him somewhere private right away, holding him is the only thing that helps at all, and that even only eases it until we have time to get him some quiet space. At home if he gets like that, he'll go into the bedroom to calm himself down.
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#34 of 35 Old 11-24-2006, 01:59 AM
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I think if they're screaming, "put me down" you ought to do just that. (barring any real physical harm to anyone and also barring any emotional issues that may require that sort of thing but which I know know nothing about ) Put them down and let them work it out and let them come to you and be ready to hug at that time.
My DD would freak out if she were held and you might lose a tooth for even trying such a thing.

Hey FMB..our kids are total opposites on this issue

The first rule of homeschooling: water the plants! :
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#35 of 35 Old 11-24-2006, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Natsuki View Post
I call that the 'boundary hug' and I think it definitely has a place in gentle discipline. When a child is acting out of control like that, they are also feeling out of control inside and their internal boundaries/self-control are not working. By putting your arms around them and talking to them like that you are providing external boundaries to protect them and keep them safe.

While I have a child hugged like that I would whisper in their ear something like this "You are having some very big feelings right now, but I am bigger than those feelings and I will keep you safe while you process them." or something like that so they know that they are safe, allowed to process their feelings, but not allowed to hurt others while they do so.

Using the hug to help remove a child from the situation to somewhere else can also work well too.
yeah all that... to the OP I would have done the same thing in that situation. I think the key here is that you tried a boundary hug, found that it wasn't quite what you niece needed and moved on to something else. Seems like a perfectly responsive and respectful way of handling this situation to me. It'd be nice to always know exactly what a child needs at any given time to eliminate the trial and error but really, all we can do is our best.
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