How do I stop yelling??? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 36 Old 01-02-2008, 03:54 PM
 
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#32 of 36 Old 01-02-2008, 08:09 PM
 
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Yes Sledg, I think you are right that the concerted effort needs to be made. It just struck me that it really gets me off the hook (to yell another time) by not saying "I'm sorry, I'll try not to do that again". I do say that I think it's wrong to handle the situation with yelling, sometimes that they didn't do something to deserve being yelled at (though the tin of flour all over the floor, or the overflowing bathtub or ... dare I continue? Well, they DO push buttons for me. It's often a LOT of work to clean up their messes. My older is great at helping now, she's really wonderful, and I think I yell LESS now than when she was littler because she DOES help me with cleaning up messes. It really makes me feel like an unapid servent when all I do is clean up after them all day. I think right now that's my biggest trigger. I think I recognize a reasonable amount of mess as 'okay' and the big excessive messes just push me over the ledge. I have on occasion waited for daddy to come home, taken the kids to the library or whatever, and just left it. It can really grind my energy down that much. If I yell, it's normally because they just aren't listening, or because they're not finding ways of playing (even with prompts) that dont involve me scrubbing floors. again. kwim? And I KNOW that the next big mess like that is going to pop my bubble. again. I do try. I breathe. I count to 10. 20. 30. I walk away, I laugh even sometimes. But eventually that big ole mess has to get cleaned up. And it's sucky. It's the least fun part of parenting for me. I don't mind diapers and puke, but a playroom that is COMPLETELY trashed just gets me. Sorry to go off this way - not sure whether I just needed to vet that? Anyway, I totally get you that it's ok for them to be aware of our limits and foibles. I think my kids are pretty aware of that. I just hesitate to say that I am sorry for yelling because I want them to know that I am sorry because I STOP doing it - even once. Like if my kid were to lie to me, and then apologise and then lie again another time, and apologise, and then go and lie again, I'd stop trusting that she WAS sorry, does that make sense??? So I really reinforce their part in it (the good part, not the bad) and say things like I really appreciate them helping me to learn how to be more patient, I still am working on it, I love that they are so patient with me, that I think I over-reacted and they didn't deserve that. etc. I dunno - I'm not sure there is a RIGHT way to do this, but this way feels better for me. I totally see your point, though.

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#33 of 36 Old 01-02-2008, 11:43 PM
 
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I have the same problem, and it's good to hear other like-minded mamas at the end of their roaps some days. Anyway, I don't have a suggestion for stoping screaming above what other people have said, but I do have something that works well when I do yell and it scares the kids. I tell my daughter (3.5) I'm sorry, but sometimes mama gets so frustrated and I just want to yell. Do you ever feel that way (yes) wanna scream together? (yes) and then we do and my one-year old gets in on it too and we all end up laughing and laughing. It really does releive me somedays. I did that one day when I felt so terrible and it worked so well that sometimes I just get her to scream with me when I know I'm close.

Katie.
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#34 of 36 Old 01-03-2008, 12:02 AM
 
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wow - that's a fabulous idea!!! Thanks for sharing it!

Mama to B and O , wife to J and me to me! :
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#35 of 36 Old 01-03-2008, 01:44 AM
 
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I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear other mamas are going through this, too. Or rather, to see other mamas concerned about this issue and tangled up in it getting together to ask for help. I was feeling very alone and crazy on this particular issue and I think dh was somewhat at a loss. He trusts me so much to be a good mama that I think he simply did not know what to do to help me out on this. I've been thinking about all the various ideas tossed about. We are on vacation right now, so I can't actually test to see if anything is working, though I am already trying to take better care of myself and start up some good habits that will help me manage my own energy better--ie not get so tired which makes my nerves fray instantly.

I totally get getting crazy about the messes though. In general my house is a mess all week until the weekend comes. Ds is not yet 3, so the messes he makes alone are not as great as 2 could do. Now that he can say he's sorry, I find my own rising anger gets curbed immediately. Sometimes I'll tell him he needs to say sorry now (and if he's hit me or something, come give me a kiss), and he usually does. Then I thank him for saying sorry. And when he says please, I thank him for saying please.

I've also tried to start using humor more to shift energy in a diff. direction. I've put myself on time out a few times. We often sit with each other for our timeouts, ds or mine, ha, ha. And when I see he's about to throw a mini fit, I'll threaten to chase him down with a kiss attack.

Even so, my worst memory in the past 3 months is of an afternoon where I totally lost it when he wouldn't help me pick up his toys on the carpet. I ended up on my hands and knees pounding the carpet and yelling at the top of my lungs (that if he didn't help me right now, the toys were going in the trash...). Sometimes I yell "rational" things: mommy is very, very angry, grrrrrrr. Needless to say, I ended up hoarse. The dog and ds were looking at me like I was crazy. I cried. And later wondered what the heck? I also apologize when this happens. I say I'm sorry, ask him if he was scared, and try to explain a little. But it's horrible. I can only hope it goes away.

One comment about this being a form of violence makes me feel even more committed to stopping. Just seeing how it affects ds makes me want to stop. But I also wonder if I start thinking of my yelling as if it were spanking or beating--things I wouldn't do--it might help put this behaviour in the category of things to never, never do. Does that make sense?

In any case, thanks for all the great posts. Good luck, mamas.
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#36 of 36 Old 01-03-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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mamabeca, thank you so much for collecting and summarizing all that info from the old thread! I copied it to the "Parenting and Rage" thread, and there have been many thank yous. Some mamas are posting it on their refrigerators for reference. Thank you again!!


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