"Alpha Male" - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 03-03-2008, 07:47 AM - Thread Starter
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Please don't bash on my DH, even though he says some really stupid things sometimes, I just want to enlighten him and he is open to being enlightened.

That said, I was shocked when he said that he felt spanking and swatting was important to establish that HE was the "alpha male". He said it jokingly, but the kind of joke that = true, kwim? He doesn't have the best temper, but he has never laid a hand on our DS (only 18 months). I want to be sure that it stays that way.

I was able to convince him about not circing, not vaxing, and homebirthing through good, informed research (he won't read books, but will read web pages) so could use any sort of info, especially those backed by good refs.

I'm a little shocked by all this still, as I thought we were on board with GD together. Anyone's DH feel like this at first and then come around?
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#2 of 5 Old 03-03-2008, 02:00 PM
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My DH felt like this at first. I laid down the law and then provided research later. First and foremost in my mind was my children's safety so I told him that no one, not even him, would ever lay a hand on our children in that way. Then I provided him with research and now he is very anti-spank.
IMO, spanking is not something that should even be an option or compromised on. It was my way or the highway on that issue.

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#3 of 5 Old 03-03-2008, 02:30 PM
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A frank, "An Alpha Male who is subtle and smart is so much more advanced than the one who hasn't gotten past the point of being a human version of a mountain goat."
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#4 of 5 Old 03-03-2008, 02:35 PM
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Maybe something like 'If you can't outwit a not even 2 year old do you deserve to be the Alpha Male?' I think a lot of men have a hard time with the 'Do as I say because I say it' thing, but helping him to realise that hitting is weak rather than strong may help.

Good luck.
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#5 of 5 Old 03-03-2008, 04:06 PM
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No bashing from me! My dh was much the same way, being raised in a strict/spanking/first time obedience home. I think it is a very common feeling for males, so I wouldn't freak on him just yet. I do agree that spanking is a non-issue, none of my children will ever be hit/spanked/ect, and that's where I started with dh. BUT, in a gentle manner. Basically, you are saying that the way his parents raised him was wrong and abusive, so it's an insult to his parents, you know? This was a hard thing to get around with my dh. He felt that his parents loved him (they do) and did a great job at raising him. I found that when I changed my angle from "spanking is evil" to "when you know better, you do better" it helped get him off the defensive.

I think what your dh really wants is respect from his children, right? At least that is what dh wants. We had a long heart to heart one night and that's what it came down to. I explained that respect does not = fear, which what spanking would instill. I gave the example of his two bosses, one of which everyone LOVES and respects and one which NO ONE respects, but has to obey because she is the boss. I asked him which he would rather be to his kids. His male boss is open and honest with his employees, and everyone respects him. And my dh has (respectfully) disagreed with him many many times. But they have a great relationship and we often go out to dinner together. His female boss is totally different. No one feels they can be honest and open with her. No one likes or respects her, they only do what she says because she can fire them. So when dd is comfortable enough with dh to disagree with him, and he is getting frustrated, I remind him of his two bosses. Being the type of dad (or boss) that works WITH you to find a mutually agreeable solution is much more effective in the long run towards establishing respect. The same analogy can be used within a marriage. We are Christian, so the issue of a submissive wife is brought up alot (not by dh!) and I always say it's much easier to submit authority to someone who knows how to handle said authority. Someone who takes my wants, needs and opinions seriously. We have a wonderful marriage, with lots of compromise and understanding. I want the same for our children. Sometimes presenting it that way helps. HTH!
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