Where do you put your toddler for "time out?" - Mothering Forums
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
zulupetalz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We recently had our second child and our almost 2 year old son has started acting out more (hitting, kicking, etc.) I've read that you aren't supposed to use their crib as a time out space. I tried the pack and play instead, but I put him in it yesterday and he had pulled the mattress out of the bottom and was chuckling to himself. What do most of you do?
zulupetalz is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 05:29 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Time outs are in no way appropriate at 2 years old.

-Angela
alegna is offline  
#3 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 05:51 PM
 
jeliphish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't do a "time out" perse. I have started doing a "removal from the area." For example, DD gets mad and throws a rock at (usually the dog). If I don't intercept the rock first, I will go to her, pick her up and say "hurt lillie (dog)". I try not to say "do not throw rocks" because all she will hear is "THROW ROCKS." I will take her to her room and set her down and say "Rocks hurt Lillie". and stay with her for about a minute. Then I bring her back in the room and say once again, "rocks hurt Lillie". It usually works 9 out of 10 times and she is off to hug the poor dog and play with something else. I may save time out for when she is older, like 5. At this age, reasoning does not work because they have low capacity to feel true empathy because of the frontal lobe development. They don't usually give a crap that they just bit you, they only care that you pissed them off. They are completely self serving and think the world is out to serve them...completely normal and acceptable. Putting them in timeout now usually only increases their tantrums and will make them even more frustrated 3 year olds. Adults have the luxury of feeling all these emotions and having an outlet...I get pissed off at my husband and I can complain about it at work. If I am anxious or scared about something, I can go to my mom or my friends or my husband. Toddlers feel all these emotions and HAVE NO OTHER OUTLET THAN You. So YOU are the one they are in love with, their friend, their enemy, their coworker, their boss, their lifeline, etc. I think the key to maintaining their behaviors when they are acting out is short, and to the point redirection. Anything more is just going to cause a meltdown.

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
jeliphish is offline  
 
#4 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 05:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
zulupetalz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
" don't do a "time out" perse. I have started doing a "removal from the area."

Isn't that basically a "time out?" That is what I mean.

Anyhow, that is what my 2 y.o. does, too. When I tell him, "no hitting," he will repeat me over and over again, pretty much while he continues to hit me. I feel like I need to do something else to correct the behavior before he starts hitting my 1 mos old.
zulupetalz is offline  
#5 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
zulupetalz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
Time outs are in no way appropriate at 2 years old.

-Angela

Um. Ok, then. What do you recommend for that type of behavior?
zulupetalz is offline  
#6 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:04 PM
 
fek&fuzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: down in the hunker
Posts: 8,678
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by zulupetalz View Post
" don't do a "time out" perse. I have started doing a "removal from the area."

Isn't that basically a "time out?" That is what I mean.

Anyhow, that is what my 2 y.o. does, too. When I tell him, "no hitting," he will repeat me over and over again, pretty much while he continues to hit me. I feel like I need to do something else to correct the behavior before he starts hitting my 1 mos old.
Could you say "gentle, gentle" instead? Rather than focusing on what you don't want him to do, focus on the behavior that you want to encourage. Have him pet the baby nicely, and say "gentle. oh, the baby loves it when you are gentle." It also sounds like he might need some "Time in" with you, without the baby around. Maybe in the evenings your partner could spend time with the baby while you and your son do a "mama and big boy" thing.

and, your kids are so cute!
fek&fuzz is offline  
#7 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:07 PM
 
HollyBearsMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: nomans land
Posts: 6,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree w/ the PP that 2 is WAY too young for timeouts!!

We do cool down time for my son. We started at maybe 4? 4 1/2? He has some sensory issues so we have a quiet place in the living room w/ a big old beanbag chair, books, some handheld water toys and other sensory minded toys. When he is getting wound up/out of control he can go there and refocus himself.

For your young one I think you just need to keep modeling and talking about proper behavior. If he hits his sibling you need to redirect him and keep telling him "Hitting hurts. We do not hit." It is more about creating a safe environment for all parties. Also make sure he gets plenty of one on one time with you too. That can help a lot.

Pardon me while I puke.gif

HollyBearsMom is offline  
#8 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:13 PM
 
Selesai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Keeping it all together
Posts: 1,637
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by KylieLove06 View Post
I don't do a "time out" perse. I have started doing a "removal from the area." For example, DD gets mad and throws a rock at (usually the dog). If I don't intercept the rock first, I will go to her, pick her up and say "hurt lillie (dog)". I try not to say "do not throw rocks" because all she will hear is "THROW ROCKS." I will take her to her room and set her down and say "Rocks hurt Lillie". and stay with her for about a minute. Then I bring her back in the room and say once again, "rocks hurt Lillie". It usually works 9 out of 10 times and she is off to hug the poor dog and play with something else. I may save time out for when she is older, like 5. At this age, reasoning does not work because they have low capacity to feel true empathy because of the frontal lobe development. They don't usually give a crap that they just bit you, they only care that you pissed them off. They are completely self serving and think the world is out to serve them...completely normal and acceptable. Putting them in timeout now usually only increases their tantrums and will make them even more frustrated 3 year olds. Adults have the luxury of feeling all these emotions and having an outlet...I get pissed off at my husband and I can complain about it at work. If I am anxious or scared about something, I can go to my mom or my friends or my husband. Toddlers feel all these emotions and HAVE NO OTHER OUTLET THAN You. So YOU are the one they are in love with, their friend, their enemy, their coworker, their boss, their lifeline, etc. I think the key to maintaining their behaviors when they are acting out is short, and to the point redirection. Anything more is just going to cause a meltdown.
This is really interesting info re: their mental development. Where did you learn it?
Selesai is offline  
#9 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:13 PM
 
jeliphish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by zulupetalz View Post
" don't do a "time out" perse. I have started doing a "removal from the area."

Isn't that basically a "time out?" That is what I mean.

Anyhow, that is what my 2 y.o. does, too. When I tell him, "no hitting," he will repeat me over and over again, pretty much while he continues to hit me. I feel like I need to do something else to correct the behavior before he starts hitting my 1 mos old.
Try saying, "that hurts mommy." Positive redirection works a lot better. When I tell DD when we go in a store that has a lot of breakables, "touch nothing," almost 97% of the time she just looks and babbles to me pointing without touching or breaking everything in sight. When I used to say, "don't touch anything," she would reach for everything. I honestly think it was because when I used the negative version of the redirection she only heard "touch anything."
It is not an overnight change, it is frustrating as hell but the consistancy is the cure. Eachtime he does this, try saying, "that hurts mommy." take him to another room that is not as visually stimulating (a boring grown up room) and repeat, "hitting hurts mommy." Take him back in the playroom/living room after a minute or two and say again, "hitting hurts mommy." I guess it can be classified as a time out but it is a together time out and I am with her, verses me fighting her to stay in a corner or in her crib alone and crying...which only makes her madder. I wish I could have video taped the before and after, because I promise it works.

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
jeliphish is offline  
#10 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:14 PM
 
runes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 4,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
this probably isn't what you want to hear, but what you are describing is fairly normal behavior for a child your ds's age, especially for a toddler that just welcomed a new sibling into the family. this 'acting out' might even escalate over the course of the next few months.

you can either choose to use time outs, which is a form of punishment and control, or you can choose to try to understand and empathize with your little boy who is currently experiencing big emotions and big changes without having the cognitive or communicative abilities to process it.

and as alegna pointed out, a time out for a 2 year old is basically futile. fekfuzz also mentioned some positive techniques to encourage gentle touch as well as to give your ds some time special alone with both you and your partner.

congratulations on the new little one!
runes is offline  
#11 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
zulupetalz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Pretty much everything I have done seems futile, really. I know it is sort of expected given his stage and new sibling, etc. I just feel like, omg, it is getting worse and worse and maybe it is because I am not doing something I should be. YKWIM? When I tell him "no hitting" and "be gentle" and things like that and he continues to hit me, it just feels like I am failing, you know?
zulupetalz is offline  
#12 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:32 PM
 
ctdoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: New England
Posts: 2,086
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I use a chair in the kitchen. I do not think that a "time out" (removal from situation, whatever you want to call it) is inappropriate for a 2yr old, especially one who is hitting and not listening to the "gentle" mantra.
ctdoula is offline  
#13 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:35 PM
 
jeliphish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
This is really interesting info re: their mental development. Where did you learn it?
I will have to find the info. It was presented in several of my human develoment courses in college and interestingly enough, a detailed version of the information in a child abuse investigations/prevention course that I took last November. It was a study that included scans of the toddler brain and an explination of why and how certain behaviors are exhibited at certain times in a child's life. Statistically toddlers experience a higher rate of child abuse and the study delved into why this occured. Most parents who had abused their young children reported that it was their behaviors that made them "beat them" or soak them in a tub of boiling water, or tie them up with a phone cord. The study was used to show that toddler behaviors were more excessive because that was how nature intended it and that a toddler was by nature, narcessistic. Many of the already "at risk" parents don't have the knowledge, patience, or community/family support to learn how to properly deal with the highly "spirited" toddler, and write them off as being a bad child.
Anyway, not to get too much into it, or I will be writing a novel....
Our toddlers, mentally, are like little Hanebal Lectors, and that is OK . They can show sadness and embarassment and other emotions but it is because they are feeling these emotions for themselves, not for the baby brother or sister, or family pet they just beat with a bat.

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
jeliphish is offline  
#14 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:39 PM
 
Benji'sMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,971
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can only speak about my kids, that at almost 2 years old, and even any younger than 4 years old, they would NOT understand what time out was for and it would accomplish absolutely nothing. It was more effective to redirect. Just making them stand in a corner, they wouldn't get it and it would be totaly futile. We did sometimes use what we call "break time" which is I think what Kylielove06 is describing, the difference between this and time out is that you are with them, still interacting with them, even though you remove them from the situation to defuse the building up of emotion, it is not a punishment and you are not leaving them alone, it is just a way to go to a quiet room and cool down *together*.

Single mom of 2 boys
Benji'sMom is offline  
#15 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:45 PM
 
maryeb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sounds like very normal behavior to me too. Ds is a few months older than yours, but for a very long time and still once in a while now I need(ed) to repeat "be gentle" over and over. He will get it, it just takes a while. I agree with pp that modeling the behavior is great, showing him exactly what you need/mean for him to do instead of what not to do. Always use the positive like, "be gentle", or "you can throw that rock at the fence", instead of saying something like "no hitting, "no throwing", etc. We also use the phrase "I will not let you hurt me, hitting hurts." If he keeps hitting me/spraying me with water, etc. I remove myself from the situation. Ds has a lot of empathy for me and others, he is very sensitive. Your ds will get there. Mary

Mary, Mama to 3 boys! 9/05 & 8/08 & 7/12
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
maryeb is offline  
#16 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:48 PM
 
Norasmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The sunny side of the mountains
Posts: 4,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think a time out is inappropriate for a 2 year old, we sit our DD who is 18 months down for a "time out" for 1 minute, that is all. It is more of a cool down time for her and for DH and myself. DD is very headstrong and if making her sit down for a second to chill out helps the situation I am all for it. I do other forms of redirection and gentle discipline, but I really believe that sometimes some kids do need that little break, and I will continue to do so.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
Norasmomma is offline  
#17 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 06:50 PM
 
becoming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 11,593
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you would get a lot of useful tools and resources if you posted this same thread over on the Gentle Discipline forum.
becoming is offline  
#18 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 07:23 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
At two they can't really control their impulses and it's not fair to expect them to.

As to what to do instead of a time out- punishment is not the answer. The answer is to of course avoid the situation when possible, redirect, empathize, try to figure out triggers and give appropriate outlets.



-Angela
alegna is offline  
#19 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 07:29 PM
ssh
 
ssh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,680
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There's a book on infant and child brain development and how parenting choices effect it. It's The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. It has a section on the harmful effects of using timeouts on toddlers.
ssh is offline  
#20 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 08:13 PM
 
Llyra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: right here
Posts: 9,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
At that age, sometimes DD1 and I would go have a "time-in" together. I'd sit her down on the bottom step of our stairway, and sit next to her, and we'd sit together and talk about what happened. I'd do this after she'd had a tantrum or outburst and needed to process what happened. We still do that today, and now sometimes I'll find her sitting there on her own, reading a book or whatever, when she knows she's fried and needs to settle herself.

I like that kind of time out better than a punitive one.

me knit.gif, he bikenew.gif, my three reading.gif, sleepytime.gif, and fairy.gif-- and the one we lost angel2.gif
Llyra is offline  
#21 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 08:19 PM
 
chelsmm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 922
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't know if anyone already mentioned this, but the book "Easy to Love: Difficult to Discipline" is an awesome book. It might really help you out. We also don't do time outs. If my dd (2 1/2) pushes her brother I say something like "DD, you wanted your brother to move, so you pushed him. Pushing is not ok. Pushing hurts. If you want him to move, say "mama, move db" (the baby is too young to move himself) and I will move him. Try it now."


Occasionally, now that we have been doing this for a week or so, she does use her words, rather than pushing. She's getting it. You need to teach your child what is appropriate, rather than punishing for what's not.

Anyways, I can't explain it all here, but maybe check the book out of a library and read it. It's a super book.

-chelsea dust.gif
chelsmm is offline  
#22 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 08:21 PM
 
ryleeee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: royston vasey
Posts: 2,791
Mentioned: 37 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)
well our son is VERY spirited and sometimes no matter how often we tell him not to do something or re-direct him or explain things to him, he'll look at us with a sly look on his face and do it over and over and over. or he hits kids at the library etc. he's 2! i get that it's normal, but it's still not acceptable.
he gets removed from the situation and we count to ten with him to calm down. by the time we get to 10 he's alright and usually does a lot better. we do this while getting down on his level and looking him in the eyes. at home we use the kitchen chair if he's really not listening, and we get down on his level and count with him. it works well for our family. sometimes if he is wound up or knows he has done something that he probably shouldn't have, he'll start counting by himself to calm down.

mama to 9 year old h 
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3 year old z
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
and brand spanking new baby m
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
ryleeee is offline  
#23 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 08:34 PM
 
goodygumdrops's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,783
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you have to follow your heart when you choose how to teach your son. Honestly, I know many say that redirection works and that "time out" is inappropriate at that age but only you know your son and if this will work for him. I posted a couple of weeks ago in GD about different things my 13 month old is doing and how I'm trying redirection, all age appropriate, etc. and I didn't get any useful advice, just judgment....

So, I finally told him "no" when he hit another kid in the face. He stopped and looked at me and didn't do it again. I explained that he was hurting the other little one and "please use gently touches"....so far this is working. I will say that I believe telling my son "no" only worked because he is not used to hearing it...and so he understood I was serious.

So, what I'm trying to say is that there are tons of books that will give you all "expert" advice... some useful and some not. Trust your instincts as a mama!!!

GL.

"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
goodygumdrops is offline  
#24 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 09:02 PM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ryleeee View Post
he gets removed from the situation and we count to ten with him to calm down. by the time we get to 10 he's alright and usually does a lot better. we do this while getting down on his level and looking him in the eyes.
That's great! It sounds like a form of "time in" that works really well for you. You're interrupting the behavior, connecting with him, and teaching him strategies for calming HIMSELF when he starts getting upset.

"Time outs" don't really work like that. Ideally, they act like a cooling off period, but when they're imposed externally, in a punitive manner (and who isn't going to be inclined to speaking crossly to their kid who is hurting their baby or their dog?), without connection, that isn't what they do. The child, especially a toddler, is usually left alone and frustrated, without their underlying needs being met. Either they're going to get even more angry or upset, and learn only that their parent doesn't love them/want them (which will make them be inclined to act out even more - and not to say that using time-outs means you DON'T love your kids, just that that is a very common way kids interpret such an act), or they're just going to play in the new space, and learn nothing - which isn't all that bad! Redirection and removal are good strategies for dealing with unacceptable behavior in a two year old, who simply does not (cannot!) have good impulse control yet. But expecting them to seem "remorseful", to have "learned something from the punishment", or that removal will prevent the behavior in the future is just unrealistic.

It is crazy hard to be dealing with a child who is hitting, not listening, behaving unsocially, etc, but there are no magic bullets. Redirection, removal, distraction, positive phrasings - these things are not quick fixes. They're about getting through the day (stopping your child's hand before they can hit), and long term pay-off (having a deep, respectful connection with your child that lasts for years, so you have a prayer of them still talking to you as teenagers!). But just because you can't "fix" the behavior right now doesn't mean you're a failure. Far from it. All you can do is the best you can in the moment, keeping in your sights the higher goal of creating a respectful, gentle relationship with your child. We need to do what we can to survive the day, of course, but we also need to evaluate how much doing "what works" (or just "doing something", whether it helps or not, which is the category I would usually put "time outs" into) is worth potentially losing something more important.

Arwyn is offline  
#25 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 09:50 PM
 
dawn1221's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Squanderville
Posts: 1,547
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
Time outs are in no way appropriate at 2 years old.

-Angela
They are completely appropriate in my house.

Sometimes my two year old gets completely wrapped up in whatever she is doing and can not be redirected without having her sit down and listen to me. That is when we give her a time out.

We give a warning first and do not abuse time outs. They are only to be used in specific instances. Like if she bites, hits, or acts destructive purposely. And again, she is warned if the behavior continues she will be put in the time out chair.

OP:

To answer your question, we usually use a foamy sofa we bought her a while back that folds out into a bed. Other times we use a kid size chair.

I have seen people use a rug or time out spot that could be moved from room to room.

DD only has time outs in our presence (we dont' have her in time out in one room while we are in another) so that usually involves moving the chair to the room we are in.
dawn1221 is offline  
#26 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 09:53 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Time outs (unless used as time ins as mentioned) are a punitive punishment and in no way appropriate for toddlers.

-Angela
alegna is offline  
#27 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 09:58 PM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,838
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with Angela. I think at 2, the parent should we working with the child to prevent the behaviour in the future, figure out what the problem is, how to solve it, etc.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#28 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 09:59 PM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,838
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with Angela. I think at 2, the parent should we working with the child to prevent the behaviour in the future, figure out what the problem is, how to solve it, etc.

I think if the 2 year old is hitting because the baby is in her way, help her thinks of strategies to cope with the situation.

I don't think time outs are abusive but they do not equip the child with the tools or strategies they need to navigate sticky situations.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#29 of 54 Old 03-19-2008, 11:39 PM
 
motocita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 215
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
what has worked for me is to re-connect with dd if she is acting out. there are times when she is worked up and needs to scream/run out her frustration first, but when she is done we cuddle and only then can we talk about it.

in the wonderful book "Hold on to Your Kids" it describes in detail how misbehavior is a sign that our kids need to connect with us. i find that to be spot on for us. when my dd acts out, it is often when i have been busy busy busy and not spent much time with her. i know we are all busy but just a couple of minutes of reconnecting before talking about what she did wrong has done wonders for our relationship.

it can be very hard to feel loving after dd has done something that annoys me, but i feel this is the only true way to deal with the misbehavior. i take a deep breath and then do what i least feel like doing: i give her a hug. i find that it helps to calm ME as well.
motocita is offline  
#30 of 54 Old 03-20-2008, 12:10 AM
 
Niamh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,603
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by zulupetalz View Post
We recently had our second child and our almost 2 year old son has started acting out more (hitting, kicking, etc.) I've read that you aren't supposed to use their crib as a time out space. I tried the pack and play instead, but I put him in it yesterday and he had pulled the mattress out of the bottom and was chuckling to himself. What do most of you do?
Why did the person suggest that you aren't supposed to use a crib? I ask because I'm curious what difference a child sees in a crib and a pack and play.

I agree with others that your child is too young for time outs. It's hard with another little one, but a better approach (by far) is too be there, be present, and help your child work through his feelings that are leading him to do things that you disapprove of. He's two. He's so young. He's a baby still. It may not seem that way since you have a much younger baby in the house, but it's not fair to him that at two you expect him to behave in a way that is hard for much older children to behave. Work with him. Be creative in how you approach it. As the parent, be there - be with him.

When you put a two year old in time-out, he doesn't learn that he shouldn't hit or kick. He learns that his mother doesn't want to be around him (and he sees you being with the baby). One of the most important things to keep in mind in relationships, especially parenting, is that what you say (what you mean for them to hear) is not always what they hear. What you mean for them to "get" from your actions (like a time-out) is *rarely* what they "get". Real connection is key. Isolation is easy... for now. But you're teaching him things, and I believe breaking your connection with him, and this will hurt your relationship in ways that you may not see for years to come, and if it comes that late (say a decade from now), how are you going to heal it then?

Peace.

Homesteading, unschooling mama of three.
Niamh is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 1,190

11 members and 1,179 guests
barnetta , Deborah , Hyacinthe , idler , KerriB , lauritagoddess , lmaraial57 , omarinbox1888 , pittfler8 , PrayerOFChrist , RhiannonRain
Most users ever online was 21,860, 06-22-2018 at 09:45 PM.