shaming, how to stop - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 10-01-2008, 02:47 PM - Thread Starter
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I've just had this realization that I shame my dd way more than I've ever thought. I don't want to & know why I shouldn't, but I guess I have been doing it anyhow. I kind of "rub it in" when my dd does something she shouldn't. I can't stop even though it isn't helpful.

i.e. this morning dd was supposed to be getting ready for school but instead was playing (after many reminders) and so I went into my shpeal about how as a result I am frustrated, sister isn't getting the attention she needs, we are going to be late, our carpool friends are going to be late, and on and on. I know that some of this is pointing out natural consequences, but I know I take it too far.

Does anyone have any useful tidbits to help me recognize and put an end to my shaming behaviors? I can see how it has impacted dd negatively. She calls herself "bad" (which I've never called her), she is lacking honestly & trust (probably too afraid that I'll shame her if she is honest). Uugg.

I've come a long way in my parenting this particular child (no more yelling - well -a lot less yelling), but I want to be on her side & for her to trust me to be.

This is a bit unclear & I'm not totally sure what I'm asking for, but I feel a little at a loss & I am sitting here taking a break after a trying moment.
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#2 of 5 Old 10-02-2008, 12:19 AM
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Hey Mama,

I sympathize with your problem. I am guilty of this, too. I am really struggling with the make-up part of argumants with my 4.5 yo DS. He is very sensitive and emotional and really a sweet guy. He will always apologize, forgive, hug it out...even with all that I constantly hear myself rubbing it in, AFTER the nice make-up. I talk too much. I just need to know when to shut up already. I'm workin on it, as you are. Know what? The realization is half the battle. The fact that you care enough to admit your wrongs means you WILL succeed in getting past this.

My thoughts are this: apologize. Admit it when you catch yourself shaming. She will be more honest if you are. Also, positivity. Give her major praise for doing well.

It often helps me to look at my younger child, i see her at a more helpless stage and cant imagine saying these hurtful, unneccessary things to her. Hang a picture, if there isnt one already there, on your fridge of her just days old. Go look at it often. I find it helps me come back to a place of personal responsisbility. I realize my son needs me to be the adult.

Also, best book, EVER--Kids are worth it. If you haven't read it, get it.

oh, and also, hugs to you, i hope tomorrow is better.


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#3 of 5 Old 10-02-2008, 12:36 AM
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My suggestion is to try to remind yourself how you would feel if someone shamed you. The more you bring that to mind, the more it may help curb your own shaming behavior.

It's hard, when we grew up with more traditional parenting, to do the opposite. We tend to want to say that it's "our turn" to be at the top of the dogpile, even though we know that it's not necessarily the best way to behave.

Good luck,
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#4 of 5 Old 10-02-2008, 02:46 AM
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YES: When in doubt, be quiet. Silence can be truly golden.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif



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#5 of 5 Old 10-02-2008, 02:56 AM
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I find it hard too, especially when she seems so oblivious to how I'm feeling or why what she's done is inappropriate. I think I just go on sometimes to try and get her to hear me. But as you said, they really do hear you, and they can internalize the criticism, even if it appears to be going in one ear and out the other.

Diane, SAHM to DD (June 05) and DS (April 07).
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