Am I being a "wussy" mom? - Mothering Forums
 
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#1 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 03:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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In the last 2-2.5 months, I have missed several playdates and LLL meetings because my 28-month old dd just had no interest in leaving the house. Half the time, it was because she had a BM brewing and so I know that was making her uncomfortable. Other times, it was for no apparent reason though she is a bit of a sensitive child and is not always keen on large groups or playing with new friends (particularly when she knows mama will be talking with other adults).

These outings/meetings aren't THAT important to me but sometimes I just really had my mind set on it and am disappointed not to go as planned. Not to mention, I don't like to cancel on playdates when another mama is looking forward to it too.

My question is, am I being too much of a "wussy" mom, overprotecting my dd, by just scrapping my plans and staying home because she wants to?
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#2 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 04:03 AM
 
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Sounds like you're meeting her needs and really paying attention to what is best for her.

Nothing "wussy" about that!
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#3 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 04:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post
Sounds like you're meeting her needs and really paying attention to what is best for her.

Nothing "wussy" about that!
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Also, I always found that "playdates" with most 2yo's is basically damage control and more fun for the moms who get to socialize then for the kiddos.

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#4 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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I have a different viewpoint than the pps. My dd went through a phase of not wanting to go to the library, playdates, etc. She, too, was on the shy/sensitive side at 2 (has now, much to my surprise, totally come out of "her shell" at 5...).

I pushed her to go. Not hard, if there was any crying, kicking, screaming obviously we wouldn't have gone. But usually it was just mild protests - "I'm busy with my toys right now and don't want to stop playing to go" type of thing. Once we got there, she always had a blast! She never once regretted going in the end. And, I really felt like these outings were good for her. Especially because of her tendency toward shyness - i.e. practice being around others while with a parent and in a safe environment.

IMO, there's nothing wrong with pushing just a little - see what happens!
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#5 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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If she's not getting anything out of playdates and just not having fun once there then there's no point in making her go to them. My ds wasn't interested in playing with other kids at 2yo either. But getting out sometimes and giving her new experiences is important, I think. There are other, non-social outings you could do - library (not storytime), a walk around the block or on a trail, museum, etc. etc.
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#6 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 01:22 PM
 
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I can see the BM situation, but many children at that age are living in the moment.

We went through that phase. DD would say she didn't want to go where were were supposed to go. I'd say OK, but we need to go there and tell our friends/family we can't come. She'd come along with no problem and once we were there she was fine.

She just didn't want to stop playing, or make a transition.

As long as you aren't overscheduled I wouldn't stay home because a child that young says they don't want to go. Just try to make the transition fun or smooth for them.
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#7 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by karemore View Post
I can see the BM situation, but many children at that age are living in the moment.

We went through that phase. DD would say she didn't want to go where were were supposed to go. I'd say OK, but we need to go there and tell our friends/family we can't come. She'd come along with no problem and once we were there she was fine.

She just didn't want to stop playing, or make a transition.

As long as you aren't overscheduled I wouldn't stay home because a child that young says they don't want to go. Just try to make the transition fun or smooth for them.
Thanks, Everyone-- your replies make alot of sense..... I do try to gage if we've been overscheduled and will tend to "give in" to her desire to stay home in those cases. It's when we haven't been too scheduled and she is like this.... thanks for your thoughts! I especially like your idea, Karemore, about going to tell the friends/family we can't make it. Smart!
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#8 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 01:39 PM
 
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From the other side of the fence: Don't make playdates if your not going to follow through in going, unless of course if your child is sick. It sets a good example for what your word is worth as well. Now a meeting where no one is 'counting' on you is different. It doesn't matter how long you stay either. Maybe just go for 20 minutes if that is what works out. I am a huge home body and often cancel 'ideas' of going grocery shopping or doing other errands if dd is happily playing at home or if it seems like too much too get out the door that mornng.

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#9 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 04:19 PM
 
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I still deal with this with my highly sensitive 4 yo. I pretty much go situation by situation. Like a pp said, I would do my best not to cancel a playdate because other people are really counting on us. I have a friend who bails on us occasionally at the last minute for (what feels to me) like small things and I think it can be quite selfish. My DS is always heartbroken when he has been looking forward to seeing his friend and is told suddenly, that it's not happening. I really hate that.

OTOH, I do try to be as sensitive as possible to the feelings of my LO and if I sense he is feeling particularly vulnerable and doesn't want to be around a group (which is quite often these days) I don't push too hard. It can be a matter of respect. I am also an introvert and if my partner kept pushing me to socialize when I just found it draining, I would really feel my emotions and temperment were being disregarded (or judged).
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#10 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 04:34 PM
 
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I don't think that you're being wussy.
That being said for a while I wouldn't make playdates without involving dd in the decision making process and then as other's have said I would mention to her that you don't want to disappoint friends.
I wanted to take ds1 to library storytimes many times when he just wanted to stay home and it didn't seem worth upsetting him to make him have fun when he already was. So we stayed home.
However, if I was going somewhere that I wanted/needed to go then I feel that it's reasonable to expect that occasionally our children need to go places that they don't want to go. I have gone places that I was not thrilled with for him and they have done the same for me. There is some give and take that happens in family.
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#11 of 18 Old 11-06-2008, 08:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, I really appreciate everyone's thoughts/perspectives. I guess my thinking is along the same lines but will give more weight to following through on playdates and try the "go tell the family/friend we can't make it" bit. It helps immensely just to know others go through this same thing.

Thx!
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#12 of 18 Old 11-07-2008, 03:25 AM
 
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I haven't been online to mothering.com for awhile but I saw this and had to respond. My 3.5 yr old is the same way and he has been for a long time. I think it is part of her personality that might not change. I say go with your gut....if you don't mind staying home then honor her request and just stay in. I also know that there is going to be times when you need to get out of the house and that you will have to work with her. Maybe "play" it up...talk about something she would like about it...make it a seemless transition to leaving the house...maybe you could try to opposite as well...just getting ready being matter of fact, taking charge and just go (of course listen to her needs but just try to be confident about it and see if that works).

I also want to say that if you plan on having more children you will definitely look back to these days and say why in the heck didn't I take it easy more, stay at home, etc. Now when my 3.5 goes to preschool I sit at home alot with my 1.5 yr old and just enjoy it while I can. Good Luck!!:
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#13 of 18 Old 11-07-2008, 04:19 AM
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As someone who gets depressed by staying home too much, I would also encourage you to honor your own feelings too. There needs to be a balance between your needs and the needs of your DD.

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#14 of 18 Old 11-07-2008, 06:58 AM
 
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I say take GO! Real life is about living, get her out and have a different kind of fun then usual! Sometimes we don't want to do things but we still do. Might as well teach her early. You can always meet her needs while you're gone, just plan ahead. And besides, sometimes a BM just occurs while you are not at home

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#15 of 18 Old 11-07-2008, 07:29 AM
 
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Maybe you need to work on the transitions more. Talk about the upcoming visit the night before, then during the day. Discuss all the fun things that are going to happen and interesting things she will see, hear, smell, taste when she is out. Offer her a "surprise" of some kind on the trip. Let her get her things ready for going out - jacket, hat, special toy, snack, whatever. I think that encouraging a "poop only at home" mentality could backfire (no pun intended) in a big way. Try to get her comfortable with toilets away from home. If the poops themselves make her uncomfortable, could you add more olive oil, dried plums or other "softening" foods to her diet?

If you are setting a playdate but have it in the back of your mind that you may back out (not such a good thing to do, but I think you know this), maybe you could at least choose a neutral meeting ground. I for one often clean the house more thoroughly when we are anticipating company and usually also cook or bake something, so if your friend does not expect you to appear at her house it could save her some time and nerves that she could otherwise devote to her child.
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#16 of 18 Old 11-07-2008, 10:47 AM
 
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My 28 m/o is going through the SAME thing! I wonder if its developmental. He used to love getting out.

My issue is a bit different in that if I push (and get past the impossible dressing, kicking, screaming) then he is HORRID in public. Aggressive wild and angry. So I am stuck at home most days because I can't handle the embarassment. I don't feel like a wuss, but I do feel depressed. I dread the long day ahead when we don't get out of the house.

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#17 of 18 Old 11-15-2008, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to everyone again for your thoughts on the matter.... I guess the bottom line is you need to find the right balance in honoring yourself, honoring your dc, and honoring your commitments (including your dh/family, friends, and others--work, playgroups, meetings, etc). No one ever said it was easy!
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#18 of 18 Old 11-15-2008, 08:54 PM
 
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If it's something that I really want to go to and the children aren't sick or exhausted, we go. I am a much better parent (and nicer person overall) if I get out of the house several times a week.

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