Originally Posted by jenvh
DS will be 4 when our new baby comes, and is completely in love with/excited about Baby.
However, I have what could at best be described as a rocky to non-existent relationship with my only siste(we haven't spoken since Aug 06), and I know so many other people who have similar problems. I know my parents did the best they could, and did not exactly grow up in healthy homes, but they did not instill much in me about how to raise happy, healthy siblings.
I believe that is what happened to our parents which is why they did such a terrible job of raising us kids to be such resentful siblings.
I don't want to be an ostrich and "pretend" that there will never be problems, and that they will love each other 24/7 and never fight, but I do know there are families out there where siblings get along and genuinely care about each others' well-being, and who get along most of the time.
IMO, that is the benefits of loving and adequate parenting.
Do any of you have ideas from your own childhoods, or from your own experience raising siblings? Things to do, not to do, tips for conflict resolution, etc??? I guess my biggest concerns are conflict resolution, not creating jealousy, and teaching each one to honor themselves and the other.
I'd start by making sure that the first child is comfortable with having a sibling come into the family and NOT see the newbie as a menacing invader. I'd do whatever it takes to make sure that my kids, beginning with the oldest, accept each other as beloved, welcome family members and FRIENDS. IMO, this has to come from a state of genuine happiness between the parents who will naturally model respectful and loving behavior for their kids. IMO, jealousy is the sad consequence of insecurity which has been put inside the child by inadequate and unhappy parenting and conflict resolution should never need to be dealt with if the kids are given lots of examples and training to GET ALONG. But even resolving conflicts has to come from some kind of respect and love that the parents should demonstrate for their troubled kids.
EVER so grateful, I am starting to really worry... I don't want to unintentionally set my kids up for lifelong difficulty...
Our parents unintentionally set us up for HORRIBLE fights and hatred by simply FAILING to focus on and consistently promote love and respect in the family but I now see that our parents were NOT happy with each other so that had a dramatic impact on us kids!
Originally Posted by ~Katrinka~
Have you read "Siblings Without Rivalry"? That might be a good start for you.
My kids get along really well, 95% of the time. I'm not sure why that is, though!
IMO, it's the result of adequate levels of love and respect coming from the parents.
My two pieces of advice are, 1) whenever possible, don't get involved in their squabbles. "You guys need to work that out" is my mantra around here. It's easier to resent your sibling after a fight if you feel like you got an unfair ruling from the judge (i.e, parent).
I strongly disagree with this concept. If our negligent and indifferent parents had stepped in from the very beginning to HELP us boys turn bitter hatred into respectful friendship, many if not all of the horrifying fist fights that eventually emerged would not have happened. They ignored us and let us get worse and worse by their detached indifference which only encouraged my brother to abuse me more and more.
It was always about parenting and we were victims of extremely bad and inadequate parenting. I wish all of you success in helping your kids grow up as friends instead of as bitter, hateful ENEMIES.