The Veteran's Thread- December 2010 - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 59 Old 12-02-2010, 02:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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STARTED BY TEAR


This thread is for any TTCAL ladies who feel like they've been here forever, and who have seen so many ladies come and go. This is a place to come together so we feel less alone. This is not to make anybody feel unwelcome or left out, but so that ladies whose journeys have led them down a rocky road of repeated loss and/or extended periods of trial and failure can vent and not feel like they're bumming everybody else out.


Roll Call

CawMama

TTC since 2/08 with one pregnancy that ended in miscarriage in 12/08. I was 11 weeks along. One chemical 2/10. Have tried Crinone for 3 cycles, have a luteal phase defect, and may not even be ovulating. Just started on Vitex and Licorice Roots in hopes that I can prevent having to go the RE-Clomid route. CLOMID started 7/10. DH analysis showed no motility. Doctors want us to do IUI, but we are going to try Proxeed for a few cycles.

enigo

I've had 3 mc's in the past year at about 12 wks.
I'm fluctuating between very optimistic and um....not. I think we've been on this ride for about a year and a half, but pregnant off and on through 6 months of that.


Milk8Shake

TTC #1 since 3/09 with 3 losses. Waiting on an MRA on 23rd November. Hoping for light at the end of the tunnel.

SimplyRochelle

TTC#1 since 5/07. One loss at 12 weeks in 9/08. I'm a student nurse, hoping to be a midwife eventually. Insurance too crappy to continue testing at this time but never avoiding and always hoping.

 

Vermillion

Lost little girl at 17 weeks in 12/2007. High prolactin levels causing irregular cycles/infertility since August 2009. Going on bromocriptine to lower prolactin levels and hopefully get cycles sorted out! Hoping to be TTC as soon as regular cycles return!


Zejh

loss at 6 or 7 weeks in September '08; emergency c-section in October '09 at 28 weeks; moving on to TTC after a six month wait

In Our Daily Thoughts

MI_Dawn
lovebug
Tara
TonyaW

InstinctiveMom

ladyjools

Pycelan

MountainMama2Be

Granola Mum

csekywithlove

Aprilmom

no5no5

Expecting Rainbows
 

Monica - due in November 2010 (welcome baby Elsa!!!)
Megan73 - due in February 2011
geekgolightly
xtara2003x
kalamos23: due in April
jessica_s
my-j-angel

starshine

Amanda
Jess
Becca

Tear78 (TWINS!!!!!!)


Rochelle: Birth center RN expecting a baby
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#2 of 59 Old 12-02-2010, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Rachel: Hope your u/s went well! We're all on pins and needles over here waiting to hear what color baby hats we're making for your sweet spring baby!

 

Tear: I still can't begin to explain how excited I am for you! I am sooooo ready for Monday to see how many babies are growing inside you right now!

 

Milkshake: sorry the MRI didn't bring any more answers but it warms my heart to see you getting closer and closer to being a mommy to a take-home rainbow baby,even if they are baby steps.

 

CD 1 here but strangely full of hope. A new clinic opened up in my town that promises holistic, whole body-mind infertility treatments. I'm not sure what if anytraditional treatments they offer alongside the acupuncture, chiropractic, and massage therapies, but at this point I'm willing to try anything just to feel like we're moving forward. Hopefully they'll accept the bloodwork I had done in August and won't make me pay to have it done again. I know my crappy insurance won't cover any of it but we're still going to give it a shot. I have an appt on the 13th at noon and I just can't wait. It does make me wish I had continued charting these past few months but I will this month if I can find my thermometer. DH needs to get another SA done since the last one he had done was in spring 2008. It was really bad then and we hadn't expected to get pregnant on our own which just added to the joyous surprise when it happened that summer. I have this feeling in my gut that says this time it will be even worse. I would consider donor sperm in a second but I get the feeling DH wouldn't be so open to the idea. I know that biological ties are way up there in importance when it comes to our children since we've always been set on adopting and DH has personal experience since his little sister was adopted, but I think he'd be uncomfortable with just one of us having bio ties to a child. Then there are just so many other questions that go along with going that route like do we ever tell the kid/ should we just wait until we can afford IVF/ wait until we can adopt so neither of us feel like we have less claim to the child and so on.... So there's a lot of new stuff on the table right now and hope has crept back into my life. I am just having one of those lovely days where I know in my soul that I will be a mother sometime during these next few years no matter how it happens.


Rochelle: Birth center RN expecting a baby
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#3 of 59 Old 12-02-2010, 04:14 PM
 
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 I really need to stop in more!! I miss so much!

 

Tear!!!! I’ve been waiting a long time to be able to congratulate you!!!! Soooooo…. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!  joy.gif

 

& HUGE congrats to Monica as well on your BEAUTIFUL rainbow!! rainbow1284.gif It probably didn't go by so fast for you, but I swear it was just yesterday you got you BFP!! hehe! Have a wonderful babymoon!! love.gif

 

And of course, many good thoughts and much love to you lovely ladies. I need to re-catch up, again! lol

 

AFM-  My RE appointment for prolactin lowering meds is Monday… after that, I should be  good to start and possibly get knocked up in the not so distant future. lol.gif  But of course now that the possibility is closer than ever, I’m feeling nervous as hell!  

 

 

Today is also the 3 year "angel-versary” of losing my little girl… so that’s probably not helping with the anxiety. I’m thankful that this year things aren’t so painful. I’ve been able to keep my head above water and not fall into depression. I miss her terribly of course... but time is finally helping me heal. I'm very thankful for that. We'll be having cake (my son's idea smile.gif) to honor her tonight. I got a lovely pink, purple, and blue flower cake that's just perfect. Got some pink flowers and a balloon with butterflies and dragonflies as well.  I want to keep things as nice as possible this year. No moping… no sadness…  angel3.gif


Liz om.gif Lovin' DH partners.gif DS (12) coolshine.gif and forever missing DD angel3.gif (12/02/07) ribbonpb.gif
From the withered tree, a flower blooms~ He's here!!! So crazy in love with my  rainbow1284.gif  boy!!! 12/14/11 luxlove.gif fly-by-nursing1.gif

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#4 of 59 Old 12-02-2010, 04:19 PM
 
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Darn, I posted from my phone but apparently it doesn't like to post from my phone. We are having a little BOY!! DH is thrilled, he really wanted a son at some point. I have already started sewing boy diapers :) even though I should be working on Christmas crafting :) Baby measured well, I was 18w6d at the u/s, and he measured all 20 weeks plus, except for his head which measured 19 weeks even, bringing the average to 19w5d overall. DD had a small head as well, so I'm not too concerned, I think I make long headed kids, vs. big headed around. Turns out I have an anterior placenta, so here I thought I was having a calm baby, and I just couldn't feel him kicking. It was hilarious though, as soon as she put the wand on, there was his man parts! This boy is not shy in the LEAST bit! He has big feet too, I guess what they say is true ;)

 

Milkshake - (((((hugs)))) about the uterine muscle endo - that stinks :( I am hoping and sending all the sticky bean fertile dust I can gather to send you!

 

Rochelle - that sounds so good about the holistic treatment center!!! You sound so hopeful, I am hoping that it happens very quickly for you and sending you lots of sticky bean fertile dust as well.

 

Tear - *crossing fingers for you!!!!*


Rachel, knit.gifwifey to 2twins.gif (3/06), tandem nursing mama toenergy.gif(7/08) & babyboy.gif (4/11) and missing brokenheart.gif (7/09, 2/10, 7/10) 
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#5 of 59 Old 12-03-2010, 11:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyRochelle View Post

 

. I would consider donor sperm in a second but I get the feeling DH wouldn't be so open to the idea. I know that biological ties are way up there in importance when it comes to our children since we've always been set on adopting and DH has personal experience since his little sister was adopted, but I think he'd be uncomfortable with just one of us having bio ties to a child. I am just having one of those lovely days where I know in my soul that I will be a mother sometime during these next few years no matter how it happens.


Glad that you're having one of those good days for a change. The biological thing is tricky, it's great that you guys are on the way to working it out.
 

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Originally Posted by Vermillion View Post
AFM-  My RE appointment for prolactin lowering meds is Monday… after that, I should be  good to start and possibly get knocked up in the not so distant future. lol.gif  But of course now that the possibility is closer than ever, I’m feeling nervous as hell!  

 

 We'll be having cake (my son's idea smile.gif) to honor her tonight. I got a lovely pink, purple, and blue flower cake that's just perfect. Got some pink flowers and a balloon with butterflies and dragonflies as well.  I want to keep things as nice as possible this year. No moping… no sadness…  angel3.gif

Yay! Good news. Nervous is part of the PAL package, I'm afraid.

You're son sound's so sweet. Hope that your daughter's day was lovely.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kalamos23 View Post

 We are having a little BOY!! DH is thrilled, he really wanted a son at some point. I have already started sewing boy diapers :) He has big feet too, I guess what they say is true ;)


Rach, so pleased for you and DH. I bet he is swelling with pride. It's such a guy thing, with boys, isn't it!?

 

 

Things here are a bit low. I'm being assailed by pregnancy announcements - left, right and centre. At least one a week for ages now. There's also numerous births happening.

This Christmas, my first bubba should be one year old.

Things for me just feel so incomplete, and it doesn't seem like a happy time. I hate shopping for gifts for all my friend's children, and thinking about the gorgeous baby things I should be buying.

 

We have agreed that we will not TTC until the new year, and that's ok. However, I want to start January 1st, while DP is happy to wait awhile longer.

He wanted to know why I was so hurried. I tried to explain to him that if my next pregnancy is to be yet another loss, I would rather just get it over with.

I don't want to build it up to this huge hopeful thing, only to be disappointed. How could he possibly understand that?


          Me & him
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#6 of 59 Old 12-04-2010, 07:51 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Milk8shake View Post

 

Things here are a bit low. I'm being assailed by pregnancy announcements - left, right and centre. At least one a week for ages now. There's also numerous births happening.

This Christmas, my first bubba should be one year old.

Things for me just feel so incomplete, and it doesn't seem like a happy time. I hate shopping for gifts for all my friend's children, and thinking about the gorgeous baby things I should be buying.

 

We have agreed that we will not TTC until the new year, and that's ok. However, I want to start January 1st, while DP is happy to wait awhile longer.

He wanted to know why I was so hurried. I tried to explain to him that if my next pregnancy is to be yet another loss, I would rather just get it over with.

I don't want to build it up to this huge hopeful thing, only to be disappointed. How could he possibly understand that?



It's so hard to explain to them, isn't it, the sort of lost time at play. . .  the shadows of growing babies we wish we knew - and how they stretch out from us over that time. It makes waiting. . . intolerable.  Not to replace them, but just to keep up with them in a way. . . and I totally understand the m/c thing as well.  I remember feeling in January how we should just TTC immediately because, well, why not when it'd just be another loss and if it was, maybe I could drink by St. Patty's day.  I hate that mindset but I understand it.

 

I'm still working on little Elsa's birth story.  Here's a pic of new Elsa with my other kiddos if you're interested: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1978311&l=fa291b5a89&id=1216449207  I'l have more photos up on the blog later with her birth story.

 

I'm just checking in and trying to catch up - do I see Tear has an u/s Monday?  Oooooooh.  Come on MONDAY!!!


Monica, mom to Lilly (7) and Carter (4) and rainbow baby Elsa (11/27/10).
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#7 of 59 Old 12-05-2010, 08:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MFuglei View Post

 

I'm still working on little Elsa's birth story.  Here's a pic of new Elsa with my other kiddos if you're interested: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1978311&l=fa291b5a89&id=1216449207  I'l have more photos up on the blog later with her birth story.

 

I'm just checking in and trying to catch up - do I see Tear has an u/s Monday?  Oooooooh.  Come on MONDAY!!!

Monica, Elsa is adorable, and your boy is so cute too!

 

Tear, best of luck for your u/s

 

So, DP and I had a bit of a D&M. There's a good chance the TTC stuff is gonna be off the cards for us.

It's hard to explain. I'm thinking I might have to cancel my MDC sub, but I'm not sure yet.
 


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#8 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 06:19 AM
 
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Monica, Elsa is adorable, and your boy is so cute too!

 

Tear, best of luck for your u/s

 

So, DP and I had a bit of a D&M. There's a good chance the TTC stuff is gonna be off the cards for us.

It's hard to explain. I'm thinking I might have to cancel my MDC sub, but I'm not sure yet.
 

D&M?  Do you want to talk about it?  Even if it's hard to explain, you can still talk about it if you'd like.

 

Thanks for the compliments on the kiddos.  I'm truly in stressed, exhausted heaven right now.

 

TEAR:  I came by because I'm thinking of you this morning and wanted to send MASSIVE good u/s mojo your way.  Please update ASAP!!!!  I want to see a picture of YOUR beautiful baby (or babies!). 

 


Monica, mom to Lilly (7) and Carter (4) and rainbow baby Elsa (11/27/10).
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#9 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 10:23 AM
 
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tear, i'm thinking of you today. fingers and toes crossed over here.

 

milk8shake  - i don't know what D&M is but i hope very much that you feel ok talking this out if not with us, then with someone. i care about you and want to know how you are. i understand if you need to take a break for a while. i've been there. i am thinking of you.

 

kalamos23, yay for team boy! we are so so close in dates. <3 im 19 weeks today.

 

vermillion, i love that you bought a beautiful cake in celebration of your angel. it's such a beautiful idea and i hope that day was not too painful for you.

 

rochelle- please tell us what the clinic is like when you can go. i love those days when i am hopeful. they get me through so many bad days.

 

monica, your family is SO beautiful!! <3 how are you doing these days at home?

 

AFM - i am off work at only 19 weeks. i;m hypertensive already and with my history of severe IUGR and preeclampsia we are not taking any chances. i do not have to be on bedrest yet, but im sure you girls know i will stand on my head 8 hours a day if that makes it more likely i get a baby to hold and love at the end of this. i am catching up on all of the housework i was too tired to do while working. my blood pressures were in the 140's/100's. currently i am running 120's/80's with 100 mg labetalol twice a day. hopefully i can keep it down and baby can grow and get strong. i feel pretty good right now, and hopeful. thumb.gif


Momma to DS 1, age 8 and rainbow baby DS2 4-21-11.
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#10 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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We just got back from our ultrasound.  There were two sacs in there, you guys.  One of them was measuring a couple days ahead at 5w6days, and the other one was smaller.  Dr. Cain said that at this early point the smaller one could have just implanted a little bit later than the other, and she said she found a yolk sac in each one.  We are just so relieved and happy, and I am going to send my love to all my little babies in there that they keep growing.  Thank you so much for supporting us through this exciting and nerve-wracking time!  I am going to go eat dinner and focus on the fact that, today, it looks like we have twins.  Lots of love, ladies!  I will be back later for personals, as DH has yummy soup in front of me.

Our little miracles are here!!joy.gif
energy.gif DD Born 7/15/11 biggrinbounce.gif DS Born 4/3/13
love.giflove.gif Keep growing healthy and strong, beautiful little fighter babies!!!

Auntie to Nell, Greta, Maggie, and Elsa!

Remembering our 3 losses
 

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#11 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 04:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yay!!!! Twins!!!!!!!! bouncy.gif


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#12 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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Tear, TWINS!!!!!! That is so freaking cool!! Congratulations!!  When is your next ultrasound?


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#13 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 05:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MFuglei View Post
Quote:

Thanks for the compliments on the kiddos.  I'm truly in stressed, exhausted heaven right now.

It looks like the perfect family to me :)
 

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milk8shake  - i don't know what D&M is but i hope very much that you feel ok talking this out if not with us, then with someone. i care about you and want to know how you are. i understand if you need to take a break for a while. i've been there. i am thinking of you.


AFM - i am off work at only 19 weeks. i;m hypertensive already and with my history of severe IUGR and preeclampsia we are not taking any chances. i do not have to be on bedrest yet, but im sure you girls know i will stand on my head 8 hours a day if that makes it more likely i get a baby to hold and love at the end of this. i am catching up on all of the housework i was too tired to do while working. my blood pressures were in the 140's/100's. currently i am running 120's/80's with 100 mg labetalol twice a day. hopefully i can keep it down and baby can grow and get strong. i feel pretty good right now, and hopeful. thumb.gif

OMG Geek. The fact that you're off work is terrible and good. Terrible about your BP, but good that you recognised where you're at, and hopefully pulled the problem up before it can develop.

I hope you have a wonderful relaxing 20ish weeks at home nesting. Take it easy and grow that baby!

D&M = deep and meaningful... LOL - I hope you didn't think it was something awful.
 

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We just got back from our ultrasound.  There were two sacs in there, you guys.  One of them was measuring a couple days ahead at 5w6days, and the other one was smaller.  Dr. Cain said that at this early point the smaller one could have just implanted a little bit later than the other, and she said she found a yolk sac in each one.    I am going to go eat dinner and focus on the fact that, today, it looks like we have twins.  Lots of love, ladies!  I will be back later for personals, as DH has yummy soup in front of me.

Fantastic news Tear. I'm thrilled for you. Of course, twins have been predicted for you multiple times in this thread, and elsewhere, so I'm sure they will be perfect!

 

 

Okay, I'm not sure how to make sense of our discussions for you guys, but I will try.

It's been 9 months since my last loss. We agreed that we would wait until 2011 to try again, because the combination of my losses and work sent me over the brink.

It's been 8 months since I finished up at my job. I've really been spending this time trying to get "well". I haven't done any work during this time, bar some volunteer stuff in the last 2 or so months.

At first, the thought of trying again was really impossible for me, and I spent a lot of time researching surrogacy. Slowly, as I worked with my therapist, I started to come around to the idea of trying again. The thought that we would try again in 2011 is pretty much the one single thought that has got me through months of heartache.  It was something to hold on to.

 

We've discussed the possibility of me going back to work. It's not essential, we can manage financially on one wage, although two would be better. DP is happy for me to just work part time.

I've put it off.  I'm kind of in the mindset that I don't want to be working at the time I fall pregnant again. I don't want to have to deal with the stress of going to work if I'm ill. I'm going to be medicated to the max, and if past pregnancies are anything to go by, eating and sleeping are pretty much out of the question. I don't want to have to feel bad for taking time off for what will be weekly hospital appointments. I don't want to risk the impact on my mental health if I end up with another loss and another ridiculously unsupportive work environment.

 

So, if we do try again, I'd really prefer to stay home, do very little - basically be on modified bed rest. I know people say this jokingly, but I'm serious. An entire pregnancy will be a risk for me. First I have to get through those first damn 12 weeks and keep my baby alive. Then I have to have my cervical length, my blood pressure, my kidney function checked weekly. Then I have to bake a baby long enough to make it to viability. My aim would be 30 weeks. There is not going to be a moment in the pregnancy where I can rest. If I can make it to 2nd tri without miscarrying, then I have to hope I don't have cervical incompetence. If I make it to 3rd tri, I have to hope I don't have PTL or IUGR or worse. I will have enough to worry about without trying to hold down a job too.

 

Having said that, I do feel like I'm getting to a point where going back to work would be beneficial for me mentally. Financially too, I guess. There are things that we would like to do, like go on a decent holiday, not to mention get married. We have a pretty small amount of debt, and I guess it would be good to eliminate that too.

 

It basically feels like the two are mutually exclusive. I have to either choose to have a baby, or have a life. Obviously, I want both. And clearly, I want a baby, but I also don't want to have a baby at any cost. I don't want to risk our relationship. It's not as though we fight, or hate each other or anything, but it's been a long while since we just had a nice relaxing break together. There's been so much stress in our lives, for nearly two years now. Not just our losses, but my mother's illness, and our nephew being removed from BIL's custody and placed in the custody of DP's parents. It's hard to think of life "before".

 

So, part of me wants to give the TTC stuff away for a while. Go to work, rebuild my professional life, rebuild my social life, spend some serious time investing in mine and DP's relationship. Go on a holiday! See some shows, travel!

And worry about TTC later. I mean, I'm 27 - everyone is ALWAYS telling me that we have plenty of time, (and although it makes me want to strangle them) I guess in some ways it is true.

 

OTOH, DP thinks that working will "take my mind off things". And in my heart, I know that isn't true (so does he). I know that I will never stop thinking of it. I know that I said I'm young, but I really do feel left behind. I know that the older ladies will think I'm a retard for saying this, but I do. EVERY single friend of ours has at least one child, or one on the way. There's no-one in our life that we can just chill with, without the "family" stuff coming up. There are some that are easier to handle than others, but as you all know - there is that "secret mum's club" that goes on. And women who are not parents are outsiders. And I don't want to be on the bloomin' outskirts. For example, if I put it off for a year and go pregnant straight away, my BFF's firstborn would be nearly 10 years older than mine - and she is younger than me!
 

So, I just don't know what to do. I come here to get things off my chest, because I can't IRL. But it does hurt to come here. I don't know it would be better to just not.

I'm open to advice or suggestions. I really just feel like I need to have a plan. Something to aim for.


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#14 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 07:35 PM
 
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Tear!!!!!!!! Twins!!!!!!!!

 

jumpers.gif & broc1.gifcarrot.gifx a million!!!!!! :D Wishing you a super happy and healthy pregnancy!!!!

 

 

 

 

And for me... which will hopefully be my last update in my infertility saga, well, at least in figuring out WHAT I need to to do to move forward... I saw my RE today and had a surprisingly really great visit. Unlike last time, where I left feel more frustrated than ever, he was very nice and attentive and helpful today! I'm finally feeling pretty good with moving forward on the meds that he is suggesting I try, now that I'm satisfied with the tests I've requested and have had before I was willing to talk about these meds. Sooooo... My prescription for bromocriptine to lower my prolactin levels will be ready for me to pick up tomorrow. I'm finishing up a course of antibiotics tomorrow and will start the bromo probably on Wednesday!

 

With my levels being in the lower range for this particular disorder (hyperprolactinemia, there's a mouth full!) the meds could start to work right away! Like, as in, if I don't want to be pregnant VERY soon, I need to be thinking about protection! yikes.gif After over a year of infertility, my goal is finally looking like it might be within my reach! Crazy!! My only reservation is this hormonal hell I've been dealing with had cuased me to gain some weight and have trouble getting it off... and the meds may very well reverse that.... so I'm thinking that I *might* just take a couple of months to lose a bit of weight before I start trying to get pregnant. But after infertility issues, it's going to be really hard knowing I'm fertile and preventing! So... we'll have to just see what happens! 

 

Man, I'm feeling so nervous AND excited, and praying that I'm not getting ahead of myself here... It should be an easy fix if this is it, and I soooo hope that it is!!! I am ready to move past all of this. 3 years since losing my daughter, I am finally feeling like I'm over the emotional hump, I just need to move forward. praying.gif

 

Good vibes are always much appreciated!! loveeyes.gif

 

goodvibes.gifto you all!!


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#15 of 59 Old 12-06-2010, 07:44 PM
 
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Oh, and since I hope to be much more active on here now that I’m no longer stalling… here’s a little snippet for my under my name, if you’d be so kind to add me smile.gif

 

 

Lost little girl at 17 weeks in 12/2007. High prolactin levels causing irregular cycles/infertility since August 2009. Going on bromocriptine to lower prolactin levels and hopefully get cycles sorted out! Hoping to be TTC as soon as regular cycles return!


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#16 of 59 Old 12-07-2010, 09:23 AM
 
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Milk8:  Thanks for sharing your convo.  That's a tough spot, I can see.  What are the ramifications of going back to work and still TTC or is that just absolutely out? Are there permanent penalties for stepping back in and then out of the workforce again should you conceive?  If conception were on the back burner in a not trying not preventing way, would working be OK?  Ugh. I don't envy you - it's a tough pass to be at, especially since you see it as two clear and different directions.

 

TEAR:  I saw this last night but Elsa was being distracting.  YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm SO SO SO SO happy for you!  My sister's twins measured like that at first - but by the 7w u/s they were both jiggling around in there happy as clams.  :)  Heres hoping your LOs do the same!


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#17 of 59 Old 12-08-2010, 11:59 PM
 
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Liz - welcome back :) Good luck

Quote:
Originally Posted by MFuglei View Post

Milk8:  Thanks for sharing your convo.  That's a tough spot, I can see.  What are the ramifications of going back to work and still TTC or is that just absolutely out? Are there permanent penalties for stepping back in and then out of the workforce again should you conceive?  If conception were on the back burner in a not trying not preventing way, would working be OK?  Ugh. I don't envy you - it's a tough pass to be at, especially since you see it as two clear and different directions.

Thanks Monica - it did help a little to get it all out.  Basically, I can't see how we could put TTC into the NTNP, because I know when I ovulate. I get serious mittleschmerz, so it's way obvious. And without being totally insensitive to those with IF, it seems as though we are both quite fertile. So, I know it would be in my head if we dtd anywhere near that time. 

 

There is no penalty for getting in and out of the workforce (other than ending up with bad references).  I went for an interview today for a position. I'm honestly not sure if I want to get it or not.

I guess I will just see what happens.

 

Hi to everyone else. I know that I'm being totally self absorbed right now. I'm sorry for not being more interested in your journies

Today, we were talking about another volunteer @ our SANDS office, who has quite a recent loss, with quite tragic circumstances. She's in a pretty dark place.  Apparently she told another one of the vollies that she never ever wanted to be pregnant again. That if she fell pregnant now, she would rather terminate than go through another loss.

They were all saying how weird that was, and that everyone they knew that had experienced loss immediately wanted to try again.  I felt so out of place when I said that I had been (and kind of still am) there.  Not the termination, of course - but feeling as though another pregnancy was to terrifying to imagine.


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#18 of 59 Old 12-09-2010, 10:09 AM
 
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I'm not posting much – don't even have the energy to explain why although the baby is just fine, so don't worry! – but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you all.

Special hug for you, Milk8shake.


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#19 of 59 Old 12-09-2010, 10:47 AM
 
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Quote:

Thanks Monica - it did help a little to get it all out.  Basically, I can't see how we could put TTC into the NTNP, because I know when I ovulate. I get serious mittleschmerz, so it's way obvious. And without being totally insensitive to those with IF, it seems as though we are both quite fertile. So, I know it would be in my head if we dtd anywhere near that time. 

 

There is no penalty for getting in and out of the workforce (other than ending up with bad references).  I went for an interview today for a position. I'm honestly not sure if I want to get it or not.

I guess I will just see what happens.

 

Hi to everyone else. I know that I'm being totally self absorbed right now. I'm sorry for not being more interested in your journies

Today, we were talking about another volunteer @ our SANDS office, who has quite a recent loss, with quite tragic circumstances. She's in a pretty dark place.  Apparently she told another one of the vollies that she never ever wanted to be pregnant again. That if she fell pregnant now, she would rather terminate than go through another loss.

They were all saying how weird that was, and that everyone they knew that had experienced loss immediately wanted to try again.  I felt so out of place when I said that I had been (and kind of still am) there.  Not the termination, of course - but feeling as though another pregnancy was to terrifying to imagine.


Oh, I get that.  My fertility signs were always really clear as well - and I never understood people who could just not-try-not-prevent.  I was far, far, far too obsessive about it.

 

I hope that today's interview unfolds in the way that it's supposed to - whatever that means for your journey.  Before all of our losses, DH and I were discussing having baby #3.  I interviewed for a permanent FT position where I contract.  The pay was 4X what I make now for just twice the work -- and I was a leading contender for the position.  For a variety of reasons (mostly political), I did NOT get the job - but I took that as a clear sign that perhaps a third child WAS on our horizon.  For me, I can continue this contract work just fine with a newborn, but there's no way I could've held a FT position AND had a baby, you know?  And it's NOT the thing you step away from (it was tenured). It worked out well for us (exempting the long road of m/c and loss, huh?).  I hope that however yours falls, it's the right way for you.  And if it's not, know that you can change it.

 

I understand how you're feeling about another pregnancy.  I felt very very much the same.  I honestly was so removed from my pregnancy throughout first and second tri that third tri was a bit of a shock.  I didn't post about this in my birth story, really, but about 20 minutes before Elsa was born, I became hysterical.  I was weeping and shaking and rather inconsoleable - I think that was the moment that my pregnancy became real - only 20 minutes before it was over. . .  and our entire journey just sort of weighed on me right then.  In the end, I think it was very, very good for me to experience - but I didn't realize the seriously high level of denial I was in until that point, you know?  Even on her first day earthside, I would look at her and think "Where did she come from?".  It's astounding to me the level of disconnect I felt from this pregnancy.

 

I wish it were different for Pregnant after Loss mamas, I really do.  But I don't doubt that more people feel similar to us than we know, you know?
 


Monica, mom to Lilly (7) and Carter (4) and rainbow baby Elsa (11/27/10).
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#20 of 59 Old 12-09-2010, 01:07 PM
 
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Well, today is officially day 1 one my journey forward! I started the bromocriptine last night; something that I have been terribly anxious over and putting off for months and months!!! I am very pleased to say it went about 100 times better than I had expected. I have heard awful horror stories about this med and its side effects, which are supposed to be worse initially and when you increase the dose, but so far so good! Common side effects that I escaped are nausea, vomiting, dizziness, bad headache... The only thing I did seem to have was a feeling of being *slightly* out of it, kind of a drowsy feeling, but actually quite calming. So not bad at all! fingersx.gif that is stays this way!!
 

I almost feeling silly now for waiting so long, but I feel like I needed to be in a place of feeling totally ok about everything, including my loss. Took a long time... but I needed to be 100% first, you know?

 

Anyway, as for the infertility stuff- I'll stay on the current dose of this med for a week, then get my blood tested to see if my prolactin levels are going down. If not, I'll increase the dose. Once my levels are good, my body will kick start, I'll ovulate, get AF and then, hopefully... love.gif It's just a waiting game now. it could happen right away, or in 6-8 weeks, or sometimes even longer. My levels are farily low for this condition though, so I'm hoping it'll be easy peasy from this point on! praying.gif


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#21 of 59 Old 12-09-2010, 01:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Milk8shake View Post

They were all saying how weird that was, and that everyone they knew that had experienced loss immediately wanted to try again.  I felt so out of place when I said that I had been (and kind of still am) there.  Not the termination, of course - but feeling as though another pregnancy was to terrifying to imagine.



Ugh... I hate that anything would be considered "weird" while grieving! Everyone's process is SO different. I was there as well. When we first lost the baby, I didn't want to be pregnant again, EVER! I was very careful to avoid! It took me over a year to get to a place where I even started to feel ok about the possibility of being pregnant again. I'm at 3 years now, and while I KNOW that I do want another, I am still VERY afraid!!! I think one has to get the point where they really can accept that another loss is possible, but feel ok going forward anyway... Some people get their quickly, some take longer, some never get there!!


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From the withered tree, a flower blooms~ He's here!!! So crazy in love with my  rainbow1284.gif  boy!!! 12/14/11 luxlove.gif fly-by-nursing1.gif

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#22 of 59 Old 12-10-2010, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I felt the same way after my loss. I mean, I even left my husband. I couldn't fathom the idea of ever wanting to get pregnant again but didn't think I could stay married if my marriage would be childless. I wasn't sure I'd be able to be a midwife if I couldn't get pregnant (and I still struggle with this two years later). Even though I'd give anything to just be able to conceive again, it still absolutely terrifies me. That's a big part of why it has taken so long for me to seek outside help. I have an appointment this Monday and I've fought with myself every day not to cancel it. It's not that I don't think they can help us or that we can't afford it, it's totally just fear. I am more anxious about going to this appointment than I have been in a long time.

 

I am still hopeful that I will be able to go in and even if they don't think they can help us at this clinic, they can at least help me lose the weight I would like to lose and maybe point me in the right direction. I know for a fact that they'll be telling me to lose weight and since they offer a holistic weight loss program at their office as well, I'm sure they'll recommend that I join that as well. I'm really just looking forward to trying acupuncture as well. Even if it doesn't help me conceive, I can definitely benefit from some stress reduction, especially when school starts back up.

 

DH has friends coming to stay with us next week so I have a lot going on trying to prepare for that. We're not going to go home for Christmas this year and it's starting to sink in just how lonely it might be. I sent off the two ornaments I made for the holidays swaps I joined and can't wait to see the ornaments I receive back remembering my sweet little one.

 

Hope you ladies have a good weekend! (and I added you to the first page Liz!)


Rochelle: Birth center RN expecting a baby
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#23 of 59 Old 12-10-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megan73 View Post

I'm not posting much – don't even have the energy to explain why although the baby is just fine, so don't worry! – but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you all.

Special hug for you, Milk8shake.

I've been thinking of you Megan. Actually, I miss you and your uber sarcasm. LOL, it's sad that I relate to it though.  I have so much hope for you and the little one that you are cooking.
 

Quote:
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Oh, I get that.  My fertility signs were always really clear as well - and I never understood people who could just not-try-not-prevent.  I was far, far, far too obsessive about it.

 

I hope that today's interview unfolds in the way that it's supposed to - whatever that means for your journey.

 


I'm glad I'm not the only one. Every time we're "in the mood", I'm madly calculating what CD I am, and stupid things like that.

My interview was fine. I have no idea if I'll be successful, but I don't really care. The hours would work well though.

What will be, will be, and if I get a job, and decide I need to quit, then I will just quit.

 

I would love to be all zen about it, and just get pregnant, and think "if it's meant to stick, it will stick", regardless of how many ultrasounds and betas I have, and regardless of whether I work my bum off, or stay in bed all day.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vermillion View Post

 

I almost feeling silly now for waiting so long, but I feel like I needed to be in a place of feeling totally ok about everything, including my loss. Took a long time... but I needed to be 100% first, you know?

Oh, yes - I know exactly what you mean. I'm so pleased for you. Hope things kick into normal gear quickly.
 

Quote:
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I felt the same way after my loss. I mean, I even left my husband. I couldn't fathom the idea of ever wanting to get pregnant again but didn't think I could stay married if my marriage would be childless. I wasn't sure I'd be able to be a midwife if I couldn't get pregnant (and I still struggle with this two years later). Even though I'd give anything to just be able to conceive again, it still absolutely terrifies me. That's a big part of why it has taken so long for me to seek outside help. I have an appointment this Monday and I've fought with myself every day not to cancel it. It's not that I don't think they can help us or that we can't afford it, it's totally just fear. I am more anxious about going to this appointment than I have been in a long time.

 


It's like Liz said, you have to get to that "place". Hope your appointment is wonderful, and you get some direction from it. I understand the fear, but just remember that you can walk away at any time if you need to - there's no harm in getting their advice.


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#24 of 59 Old 12-12-2010, 08:37 PM
 
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Hi ladies...  I've been a stalker waving baby dust all over this thread wherever it was wanted for some time now, because I didn't really know where I belonged..........  but I had to respond to this redface.gif
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vermillion View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Milk8shake View Post

They were all saying how weird that was, and that everyone they knew that had experienced loss immediately wanted to try again.  I felt so out of place when I said that I had been (and kind of still am) there.  Not the termination, of course - but feeling as though another pregnancy was to terrifying to imagine.



Ugh... I hate that anything would be considered "weird" while grieving! Everyone's process is SO different. I was there as well. When we first lost the baby, I didn't want to be pregnant again, EVER! I was very careful to avoid! It took me over a year to get to a place where I even started to feel ok about the possibility of being pregnant again. I'm at 3 years now, and while I KNOW that I do want another, I am still VERY afraid!!! I think one has to get the point where they really can accept that another loss is possible, but feel ok going forward anyway... Some people get their quickly, some take longer, some never get there!!


I'm exactly the same.  I had 3 m/cs late 2008/early 2009, and was absolutely TERRIFIED of going through it again, so would avoid DH's advances whether I knew I was fertile or not.  Poor man, he put up with SO much.  He was lucky to get a BD the day before or after AF.  And even then it wasn't because I was interested in BDing, but because I felt bad being a b***h by neglecting him.  He's worth his weight in gold - especially because he stuck around!

 

So...  in early November this year we had an 'oops' - which ended in an early m/c.  I thought I'd be more devastated than I was, I was sad, but instead for some reason my brain decided that it was time to ttc #2 properly.  I was completely okay with that - until one of my colleagues announced she is pg a week later (well, to be fair on her, she didn't announce it - someone else had written it up on the whiteboard in the staffroom for everyone to see). I wasn't okay with that (my DH ended up coming to school to see me because he'd rung and heard in my voice that I was upset)...  and ended up crying in the staff toilets the day they had a special morning tea for my colleague.  I'm so so so so happy and excited for her - but it's still hard to even look at her, let alone talk to her for more than a minute or so

 

I guess what I'm saying is...  it's taken me 2 years to get to the point where I'm able to TTC again - while still being terrified it'll happen all over again.

 

grouphug.gif and healing thoughts to everyone.  flowersforyou.gif

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#25 of 59 Old 12-13-2010, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My car could not have picked a worse day to die. I am crushed. The appointment is only postponed a week but it still just sucks.

 

Moping around in my pjs, while I give myself a Buffy marathon, lots of hot chocolate and permission not to clean today if I don't want to.


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#26 of 59 Old 12-13-2010, 12:34 PM
 
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Quote:
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My car could not have picked a worse day to die. I am crushed. The appointment is only postponed a week but it still just sucks.

 

Moping around in my pjs, while I give myself a Buffy marathon, lots of hot chocolate and permission not to clean today if I don't want to.



 grouphug.gif


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#27 of 59 Old 12-13-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyRochelle View Post

My car could not have picked a worse day to die. I am crushed. The appointment is only postponed a week but it still just sucks.

 

Moping around in my pjs, while I give myself a Buffy marathon, lots of hot chocolate and permission not to clean today if I don't want to.



Well, sorry about the car and the appointment.  Hope the Buffy marathon took the sting out of the day.


Monica, mom to Lilly (7) and Carter (4) and rainbow baby Elsa (11/27/10).
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#28 of 59 Old 12-15-2010, 05:47 PM
 
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Just got back from my friend's house. Her beautiful baby girl was just born. She's sooo tiny! This is the friend who was due a week before me. SO that means I'm supposed to have a baby next week. bawling.gif With all these mc's, I've always been pregnant again before the previous due date (If that makes any sense).

I don't know how much longer I can pretend like I'm sane.


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#29 of 59 Old 12-15-2010, 06:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by enigo View Post

Just got back from my friend's house. Her beautiful baby girl was just born. She's sooo tiny! This is the friend who was due a week before me. SO that means I'm supposed to have a baby next week. bawling.gif With all these mc's, I've always been pregnant again before the previous due date (If that makes any sense).

I don't know how much longer I can pretend like I'm sane.



oh hun hug2.gif  My first loss should be 15 months old on Christmas Day greensad.gif  It just doesn't ever get any easier, does it?  They say "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"...................................  if that were true, we'd all be bigger than Superman.

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#30 of 59 Old 12-15-2010, 06:39 PM
 
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I find Buffy (and Angel) marathons a total sanity saver, Rochelle. Hang in there, mama. (And try adding some cheap red wine to the mix.)

I'm so sorry, enigo.


Megan, loving her sweet rainbow1284.gif boys, born Aug. 2008 and Feb. 2011, and their sister, born still March 2007 candle.gif
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