I haven't been here in awhile. It seemed very hard to come on days when I was weak, but it has been a year since I lost Therese. I wanted to come back and let you all know where I am now.
I made it through mother's day, we planted a beautiful lilac that day, that was a hard day. I cried a lot that day.
Then August, just as I was begining to really feel like me again, I had something bleed in my brain, had seizures and dislocated my shoulders during the seizures. It seemed to sink me back into the depression of losing Therese, and on top of that the depression of what had happened, and the depression that what happened changed my dh's feelings on ttc.
Then September 12 came around, my due date. It was sad and a bit of a relief to get through it through. We, dh, the boys and I, decorated a box and put in all the things I had that reminded me of Therese. This really seemed to be a turning point, and slowly, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now I passed my year anniversary of losing her. I woke up to the scent of lavender filling my room (a scent that I have associated with her since a lovely mama on this board said Therese's name reminded her of it), and I knew she was with me.
I wrote Therese and St. Therese a letter and put it with the flowers at the feet of the St THerese statue that had taken so much weight from my shoulders, and lead to Therese's name. I added a few things to her box, and looked through my old posts. We went for a nature drive and walk and looked for migrating birds, I took a long nap, we went out for pizza. Then we had a talk with the boys about Therese, and how we missed her, but she would always be there for them to talk to and that when they were scared, or sad, or lonely, she would always be with her. We said a prayer for her.
Then dh and I went downstairs and lit a candle for Therese, for the babies and families we met here, and one for all the lost babies. It was a really really good day.
I wanted to share that all with you. I am still sad, and find myself sometimes crying at different things, like birthday cards, or pretty dresses in a store, but I have passed out of the deep bleakness that had filled me after losing her. I have changed. I am more appreciative of my boys, my family, my health, the sun streaming through the windows, and the birds singing. I think I have found new joy to balance the sadness that has also entered my heart.
I wanted to share this all with you, because I want you to know that it really does get better. You will smile and laugh again. I always told friends when they asked what having children was like, and I told them it was like developing a new sense. Your love, your joy, your fear, and your sadness multiply exponentially. I think with a loss, they multiply even more. So I won't tell you, you will be your own same self again. You won't, and you won't want to be, but you can build a new you with more awareness and love then you ever imagined.
You are all in my thought and prayers.