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1 year

532 Views 11 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  CB73
I haven't been here in awhile. It seemed very hard to come on days when I was weak, but it has been a year since I lost Therese. I wanted to come back and let you all know where I am now.

I made it through mother's day, we planted a beautiful lilac that day, that was a hard day. I cried a lot that day.

Then August, just as I was begining to really feel like me again, I had something bleed in my brain, had seizures and dislocated my shoulders during the seizures. It seemed to sink me back into the depression of losing Therese, and on top of that the depression of what had happened, and the depression that what happened changed my dh's feelings on ttc.

Then September 12 came around, my due date. It was sad and a bit of a relief to get through it through. We, dh, the boys and I, decorated a box and put in all the things I had that reminded me of Therese. This really seemed to be a turning point, and slowly, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I passed my year anniversary of losing her. I woke up to the scent of lavender filling my room (a scent that I have associated with her since a lovely mama on this board said Therese's name reminded her of it), and I knew she was with me.

I wrote Therese and St. Therese a letter and put it with the flowers at the feet of the St THerese statue that had taken so much weight from my shoulders, and lead to Therese's name. I added a few things to her box, and looked through my old posts. We went for a nature drive and walk and looked for migrating birds, I took a long nap, we went out for pizza. Then we had a talk with the boys about Therese, and how we missed her, but she would always be there for them to talk to and that when they were scared, or sad, or lonely, she would always be with her. We said a prayer for her.

Then dh and I went downstairs and lit a candle for Therese, for the babies and families we met here, and one for all the lost babies. It was a really really good day.

I wanted to share that all with you. I am still sad, and find myself sometimes crying at different things, like birthday cards, or pretty dresses in a store, but I have passed out of the deep bleakness that had filled me after losing her. I have changed. I am more appreciative of my boys, my family, my health, the sun streaming through the windows, and the birds singing. I think I have found new joy to balance the sadness that has also entered my heart.

I wanted to share this all with you, because I want you to know that it really does get better. You will smile and laugh again. I always told friends when they asked what having children was like, and I told them it was like developing a new sense. Your love, your joy, your fear, and your sadness multiply exponentially. I think with a loss, they multiply even more. So I won't tell you, you will be your own same self again. You won't, and you won't want to be, but you can build a new you with more awareness and love then you ever imagined.

You are all in my thought and prayers.
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Hugs to you. You have done such beautiful things to honor and remember your daughter. Thank you for sharing and letting us know there is hope.
Thank you so much for sharing all that you did about your family and yourself. It all sounds beautiful and healing. This experience is such a difficult one. It has been helping me to hear how others do when they get to the one-year anniversary as Grace's is coming up soon. I really appreciate you taking the time to write about your experience.
you are a beautiful human being. the way you have lived this loss is so healing and inspiring and still so sad...
thank you for sharing all you wrote.
therese has such a great mom.
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Catherine ~ You have such a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your precious Therese with us.
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I think getting through the year anniversary is such a huge step. It just seems to be such a milestone. It's funny because I never completely believed other moms when theyvsaid it would get better when I was in the dark, in the begining


This has been such a healing place to me, that is seemed right to share that with everyone here. There were so many mama's that helped me through the darkest parts of losing Therese, by sharing their stories. Sharing and writing it all out, and to read all my old posts has helped me in so many ways. It helps me realize even when I'm sad, how far I have come, and that I have been able to salvage some joy from my loss. Sounds strange, but true (just like me)
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thank you, Catherine! in the short time that i since i have known you, you have helped me in ways you just can't imagine! thanks for helping to validate some of the feelings that i've suppressed (against my better judgement!)

therese and your ds's are blessed to have been given you for their mom!
Catherine. Thank you for sharing how you honored Therese's day, it sounds beautiful

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Thankyou so much. I realize now how I just didn't get it when someone lost a baby. My sister had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and I was very sad for her. I was pregnant with ds2, but I still really didn't get it. I wish I had been a better support for her. I have appolized to her since then, and she understands, but I want to pour the things I have experienced and learned out to other woman going through this rocky often black place. It is amazing how healing being a part of a community of women who really understand the feelings your having, when you think that you're going crazy. It is such a large sisterhood of loss that it makes me sad everytime there is someone new. But at least now, I know it does slowly get better.
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Time passes in such strange and slow and all sorts of weird in-between.

How ARE you? What a beautiful way to honor that cherub angel girl. I cannot believe it has been so long since I first read your posts.

My 1st son's 3rd birthday should have been 2/21 (or so) and I have found myself lingering in here a bit more. I don't think a mother ever forgets, but the intensity does pass.


I am so glad to hear from you. It's kind of spooky, because the last few days I've been planning on PMing you!

I am doing really well. Getting past the first anniversary really was a renewal for me. I have a feeling I will be back here every year as well. There definately is a lifting of the intensity of grief, but your right, there is that lingering sadness that I think will always be there. And in a weird way, I'm glad it is reminder of all the wonderful things in my life.

Unfortunately a few days after 3/23 one of my best friends had a miscarriage. I am glad I can be there to support her.

Healthwise, I'm on the way to complete recovery!

I hope the anniversary of losing your son went OK. I wonder how next year will feel.

How is your little one? I am so happy for you and your family!
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Good Morning!

Sorry about the loss your friend experienced. You are able to support her and talk openly, I imagine. Funny what life prepares us for!

My 2 boys are amazing, growing SO fast and just light up my life. (although right now the 2.5YO is driving me insane finding mischief in all he does this morning)

I love being the mom of boys....I guess this is how it was meant to be in the grand scheme of things.

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