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My water broke the morning of October 22nd, around 815am. I was rushed to the hospital, where thry did an ultrasound - baby still had a heartbeat, but he was footling, and one of his feet had dropped into the cervix, which was dilated 3cm. I was rushed to the operating room - my mom was in there with me, daddy and Matt were waiting outside. It was a 'classical' c-section, meaning a lower transcerse incision on the bikini line, but the uterus was cut the other way, because of baby's position. Baby was born at 26 weeks along - he weighed 1lb, 12 oz and was 12 inches long. As soon as he cme out, they put a breathing tube in him and whisked him away to the NICU. They showed him to me for just a second - I touched his beautiful face...
In the recovery room, I was in excruciating pain. Because I'm on Methadone, I have a very high tolerance for any pain medication. THey were hesitant to give me any more, even after I begged and pleaded, and my mom (who is a nurse at that hospital) begged and pleaded. I went out of pre-op into a recovery room. Not one of the nice, new mother-baby rooms. Just a regular room....
I had been poked and prodded until I thought I would pass out from the pain. I wanted to see my little boy so bad, but I could not get out of bed without passing oout. THey wheeled my bed into the NICU, and I saw my little guy for the 1st time - he was perfect. 10 little fingers, 10 little toes (daddy's) , head covered in white peach fuzz (like daddy too!), my little nose and my ears. His eyes were still closed, but he did open them - beautiful slate blue eyes, shaped just like his daddy's. He was the most perfect, beautiful little person I had ever seen......
I visited with him a few more times that day. His hematocrit was low, so they had to give him a transfusion. I took a nap, went back up to see him, etc.. Matt stayed with me that night. It was going to be a tough, uphill battle, they said, but just hang in there....
All that night, I tosssed and turned all night, and so did Matt. The pain was unbearable, and what they we4re giving me was not cutting it. i wanted to be able to get up and walk, to get in the wheel chair at least. I wanted to see my baby, more than just from a distance. But that night, irested. I prayed out loud, every time I woke, for God to please, watch over Sebastian, make him strong, help him get thru this. I had some hope that he would pull thru, but perhaps I was just trying to be optimistic.
At 6 am the nurse came in, and told us that the NICU doc needed us up there. He had taken a turn for the worst overnight. HIs BP and heartrate dropped, and he would require another transfusion. They feared that an infection developed in-utero, which was why his white cell count was elevated when he was born. The amniotic fluid may have had a leak in it, which was how the infectiongot in. They said it was nothing that Icould have done, nor was there anything I could have done to prevent it. BUt as a result, he developed a bleed on his brain that , even if they did all they could, and he lived, would cause cerebral palsy, and severe brain damage. We had a choice - either have all these procedures done to our little angel, which may not make a bit of difference, or we could just let nature take its course.....
I called my folks, they headed to the hospital. Matt & I just held him and rocked him, until they got there. THen , the chaplain performed his baptism..... I felt it necessary - my baby needed God, and he was going up to heaven, and I wanted to know he would be taken care of.... I held him in my arms while they did it, and read a prayer. Me and matt, and mom and dad just cried and sobbed, and we each held and kissed him..... I had them put him back in his isolette, so he wouldn't get too cold. We didn'nt need to make the decision that day, they said.... so we put him back - the doc was coming up to do a chest x-ray and head ultrasoud, so I took this opportunity to rest. I was still in a lot of pain. They were giving me ridiculous amounts of medicatin - ridiculous because they could have done more but they werent because I was on Methadone. So I basically barely mved for the 1st 2 daya. If the NICU doc called and said to get up there, I was there, ASAP, but panting and sweating and swearing the whole time. For some reason, though, as soon as they put my baby in my arms, the pain went away - it melted away. I talked to matt after the baptism, and he said it just felt perfect........ it really did...
Anyhoo, Matt left at some point to go home and nap and change clothes - I told him I would call if anything happened, but to take his time . He did sleep in a chair overnight. My parents staed with me, and we cried together and held each other. At some point, a friend of moms was in the room with me, and I was napping, but tbey went up to see Sebastian while I waited on my pain meds to kick in . Soon after, they came rushing back into the room, telling me his little heart rate had dropped, and I needed to get up there. So I went.... Oh , I was in so much pain... every little bump in the floor, I fel it - I was panting and sweating and begging the nurse to please, HELP ME! I got up to NICU to see my baby, and I was shaking so bad from the pain that I was afraid to hold him. Finally, then nurse gave me something - I took the baby and held him to my chest. THis was it, I know MAtt did not want to be there for this part- he wanted to remeber his little boy, whoi looked so much like him, alive. SO I had mom call him, he said he would be right there..... I just held my baby boy, and rocked him, and kissed him, and sang to him,and everyone just stood back and let me..... He had a feeding tube in, but I still exposed my breast and held my baby too it, to comfort us.... He laid there, and he curled and uncurled his fingers around my finger, and did the same with his toes. He opened his eyes a few times. I kissed him. The numbers on the monitor were falling. I asked them to turn it off. The doctor said they could take all the stuff off of him and I could see him naturally, if I was reasy. I said yes. I held my son, my beautiful son, until his very last breath. The doctor listened to his heart, and said "he's gone..." I wailed. Loud and long. I held him tighter. I kissed him all over. I explored every inch of his littl ebody, from his feet to the peachy fuzz on his neck. I kissed it, rubbed it, kissed it some more..... His little legs were bruised from getting stuck in the cervix. His little body was perfect - it was as if I had a really small version of Matt in my arms. A chaplain came in and we all (mom, dad and I ) said the psalm with him..... We talked. I sang to my son some more, and talked to him, and told him ho much he is loved and wanted, and all of the things I had planned for him..... I stayed that way for like 2 hours. HIs nurse told me a heartbreaking story of how the same exact thing happened to her, and how devastated she was, but then she went on to have 2 healthy children. She reiterated that there was nothing I did wrong, and that even if I had carried him full-term, the same results could have transpired because of the infection..... After a while more, I left. They said that I could come back , and they would clean him off really good, and put him in some cute clothes and such, and I could have him as long as I wanted . I went back to the room, and I got ready, but then NICU called and asked if I wanted them to bring him to me. I said YES!!!
They brought him in - he was angelic. He had a beautiful crocheted blanket, which he was wrapped in throughout, and it was nice, soft wool - one of the NICU nurses makes them so that all NICU babies have one. He was wearing a little cocheted cap, and a little bunting, and some little crocheted booties... He had big feet (like daddy!) even for a preemie! I laid in bed, and he was brought to me... The nurse had put together a box for me - it had his hand and footprints in plaster cast, a bit of his hair , his brush, a couple of preemie diapers, a baby ring that he wore , 2 little dolls that were in the isolette with him, SEVERAL pictures taken by the NICU nurses, and a very sweet baby book for babies who didn't live long - it had places where we could write the hopes and dreams we had for him, places for me and his daddy and everyone who loved him to write.... I hesitate to say anymore about it, because it was very emotional, and just writing THIS is killing me..... All of this stuff was in a big, beautiful hand-decorated box - the nurse said she did this for ME because my situation was identical to hers, and she felt I deserved it.... They said keep the baby as long as you want, just call NICU when you are ready. I laid with him against my skin for hours. I took a little nap, changed postions... I kept him wrapped up, I guess a part of me wanted to keep him warm, just like a regular mommy protecting her baby. I cuddled him and nuzzled him. I sang to him and talked to him. I examined him - he was PERFECT! A beautiful , perfect baby boy...... Too good for this world....
Several hours later, the NICU came. I started screaming - I didn't want to let him go. I just wanted this night, just this one night - that's all I'll ever get.... then they could have him. They tried to rationalize this with me, and I refused to let go. I clung to him, and held him against me, and continued to kiss him and sing to him, as if they were not even there. I did finally relenquish him - it broke my heart, to see my little bundle go out the door, away from me forever... I began to scream and wail. They had to sedate me.
I woke up several hours later - my dad was there. The nurse had brought that blanket and the clothes he was in back to the room for me to keep.... All I could think was how cold my baby must be, and I began to wail and scream again. My dad tried to comfort me, but it didn't work. I had to be sedated again......
The following morning, when I woke up, I wanted to see my baby again. My dad said he was gone, to the funeral home already..... I spent most of the day in a daze. I was finally able to get out of bed with some effort - my pain meds had been changed AGAIN, and it seemed to be working, so I was walking around, took a shower, smoked about 15 cigarettes, walked some more. I cried a lot - mom and dad cried with me. Matt refused to come back to the hospital, saying he was angry, it was a 'house of death' and he just could not come back - he would be waiting for me to take care of me at home . This infuriated my dad to no end, but in a way I understood. Everybody greives differently, and if Matt wanted the last image of his son to be one of him 'alive' than that was ok with me. I was there thru it all.....
I spoke with several people that day. Counselors, people with similar stories, a personal friend of my mom who lost her baby just 2 weeks befire due date.... it was helpful, I suppose, to hear that I'm not the only one, and that people still can get thru it and have more babies. Of course, now I'm all concerned that I'll never have one again - We want to try to conceive again right away - I don't really want another baby - I want THIS baby, but I realize that is impossible - so we'll just try again - this time, I will be considered "high risk" and will be watched like a hawk. Fine by me. I don't think I could EVER go thru that again.....
We are having a service for litle Sebastian on Thursday. I broke down in the store today (oh yea, I cane home from the hosp today), mom and I were shopping for decorations for the funeral, and I just kept thinking "I should be buying BABY SHOWER decorations, for fucks sakes!!!" I cried some more, and mom brought me back home. We will finish tomorrow........
As I sit here writing this, listening to Matt sob behind me, feeling my breasts drip with milk meant for my little boy, and knowing that he was not able to be nourished by me, nor could I save him .... well, I am saddened. All the pain n the world combined, even this ###### c-section AGONY that I am in, does not compare to the pain of losing my child. I refuse to bind my breasts.... I want to feel them let down, as if I were feeding my baby with them. I just got all these cloth diapers in the mail - I think I will save them. Sebastians room is all painted. I think I will close the door and keep his things in there. We want to have a baby, and will try again as soon as I get the "all clear." Nothing will ever, EVER take my little angel;s place, but the pain, the agony of losing my baby, our baby - there's a HUGE hole in my heart now....... Matt and I are glad to have each other, but devastated at the same time. What do we do now? We're not having a baby anymore? We were so close... so close to time to have him. Everyone keeps talling me I'm still a mommy - arent mommy's supposed to protect their babys? There was nothing I could do... I felt so useless.... How will I face anyone? How do I go on? Day by day, I guess. I always thought if I made it past 12 weeks, I was out of the danger zone. THis is so far from true its unbelievable........ babys are truly miracles,,, it is a miracle when they get here, because something can go wrong at any moment. I had a perfect pregnancy- uneventful, no problems at all, and then this! Out of NOWHERE!
I must change shirts now.

Well, today is Wednesday. My mom and I went to the funeral home to make arrnagements. He will be buried in this big, beautiful cemetary, in a specail place that they reserve for babies. I selected his plot right under this huge weeping willow tree... It's next to a fountain... I looked around at all the other little baby's graves. There is one in front of his where someone had laid a toy truck. I could almost see these baby angels playing, running around and playing under this willow tree. I felt strangely at peace at that very moment. It is a beautiful fall day today - maybe a combination of the crispness in the air and the serenity of it all - whatever the case, I am content with the final resting place for my boy. I have some lovely pictures that mom is having framed for me..... It will be a nice service - lots of people are coming. This baby was so loved by all...
When I got home today from taking care of these things, Matt was taking a nap. I looked at his face - his mouth was slightly open - it looked like my baby's mouth. The shape of his eyes, everything. Matt said last night, it's as if he had a twin, born 30 years later. Indeed.
I don't really know what to do with myself at this point. I don't want to answer my phone when it rings. I dfon't want to take a nap (although I should, probably). I don't want to watch TV. Not hungry. Life has changed, been flipped upside down in less than a week. I feel like I am mentally stuttering. So I write this, to pass the time. I have overcome so much in my life, but this will be the hardest of all. I'm tired of being strong. For once, I think I'm not going to be. I'm going to scream. I'm going to cry. I'm going to wail. I'm going to ask "why?" over and over again, even though I know my question will go unanswered.
My future is uncertain, and full of fear. I want a baby. But what if this happens again? There was no precursor, no foreshadowing to this. It just happpened. There was nothing I could do to stop it, nor was it preventable, so whos to say it won't happen again? If I do get pregnant again, will I be too scared to leave the house for 9 months? How the hell do I go on?

**** NOTE; These are my journal entries from the days shortly following my sons death. It has been 2 weeks.
 

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boxerlove1,
i am so sorry this had happened to you. i read through your whole birthstory,
and i can really relate... my daughter died a few hours before she was born (on march 21, 2005), and just like you wrote, it left a huge hole in my heart. i felt the same as you are right now, and then too. i wanted to tell you that your son's birthday may also be the best day of your life... he made you into a mommy, and he knew only love from you...what a life that must have been!
coral lived 292 days on this earth. she changed my life, made me a better, more rounded, complex person capable of feeling things i never would have if not for her life here. i think its so wonderful that you have those memories of holding sebastian, singing to him, a getting to care for him... i never got to do that to coral and it is something i really wish i had known to do... i let my milk come in for coral too. it was the one thing i could still do for her. it sounds like you have some great support, and that will really make a difference in helping it be not so horrible... although nothing can make it better. your love for your son shines through your words, and you are a wonderful first time mom! he will always be your firstborn son. we wanted to ttc right away too. i think its a common feeling after losing a baby, not to replace, but to satisfy the need to care for and raise a child...

i'll be thinking of you and sebastian and your family today.
love, coralsmom
 

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I am so sorry to hear about your precious son Sebastian
Thank you for sharing him with us.

I'm glad you got to spend that time with him. It sounds like he was surrounded by your love and he knew that. Many healing vibes to you mama.

We are here for you.

Peace and love,

Patti
 

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I am so sorry Mama. Your heart will evently heal, & in time it will sting less. You have a beautiful son, forever in your heart. Hugs & Love Mama. Be gentle on yourself.
 

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I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.
: He sounds beautiful...
 

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to you Mama, I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing Sebastian with us

Be gentle with yourself and if it helps to scream and cry, then scream and cry away, it is very unfair to lose a very wanted and loved child

tara
 

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I am so very sorry for your loss. I feel as though I could have written most of your post....1st born son...c-sec....NICU... It is aweful and painful. I'm so sorry. I am here for you whenever you need.


Sebastian
 

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Thank you for sharing your story of your sweet Sebastian. We can't take away your pain but we can certainly sympathize. Please be kind to yourself, mama. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sebastian
 

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I am so, so very sorry. So many parts of your story were as if I was writing them myself. My heart goes out to you. Sebastian was so loved and he knows it. I am so glad that you had the time that you did with him. I wish that we had more, but the NICU wouldn't let us in half the time. Again, I am so sorry.
 

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Oh, I am sitting here
...my heart aches to crawl thru and hold you tight!


You are so strong and brave, and you were the BEST MAMMA to Sebastian that precious time he was here...and you will be forever.

May your heart and soul heal and grow in peace...
 

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I have never sobbed so hard over a birth story. You wrote it beautifully. I am so sorry this happened!!! You are one strong mama!
 
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