[LionessMom]

10 years ago, at 6 weeks pregnant, i had to have emergency surgery for a tubal pregnancy. it threw me into a depression. i am not sure what to say, but i feel compelled to tell someone. every time i get pregnant or look at my kids i feel a sense of loss. sometimes i still cry. i have told no one that i still cry. i dont think they would understand. the only people who really know it even happened are my parents, 3 friends (who were there) and the father (who is long gone).

i am not sure what i am looking for here. i guess i am hoping that releasing these feelings into the Universe will help me find some more closure. i am still not sure why it was ectopic. i dont know if it was a single or twins, boy or girl. i do know that i would have died if i hadnt had the surgery. i can still remeber the crippling pain, it was so bad i was vomiting. my bf at the time (the father) did not believe me and wouldnt wake up (it was 3 am) to drive me to the hospital. i drove myself (stick shift) and the nurses who did my intake were shocked i could do that. they said i should have called an ambulance. i dont know what i was thinking. thank goodness i ahd a roommate to watch my then 3 yr old DS. i woke up the next day in the hospital, my parent were there and very worried. all i could think about was the baby i wouldnt be having. i even was sure i couldnt have any more.

the last 2 times i got preg i couldnt feel good about it until i had an US to make sure it wasnt an ectopic.

maybe i didnt say anything for so long b/c i didnt feel i had the right to mourn. i was only 6 weeks etc. but after being a member of MDC for awhile and venturing in here, i have come to the conclusion that i do have the right to mourn. and maybe now i can start to feel better and let it go.

10 years and i still think about it quite often.

 

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

you lost a child mama and that means the grief will always be there. Some days it gets easier and then others it is like it just happened yesterday.

I lost my first almost 11 years ago and I still grieve them both.

 

[Amy&4girls]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how long ago or how far along your were. You are mourning your child and I think that will be something we do for the rest of our lives. Thinking of you.

 

[marinak1977]

I am so sorry mama...

 

[maemaemama]

so sorry. i hope talking about it will bring you the closure you're looking for.

 

[LionessMom]

thank you for taking the time to read this. i appreciate it. I do feel a little bit better just for allowing myself the right to grieve. Thank you.

 

[jul511riv]

I'm miscarrying now (g-d, I HATE that term...I'd rather "I'm loosing my baby right now" or "my baby is being taken away from me right now") at 5.5 weeks. All I can say is this is painful and you have a RIGHT and are ENTITLED to feel that pain in whatever way addresses the issue for you.

I had a friend suggest writing a letter to the baby. might do that when I'm able. maybe you would consider if it might help you too. Maybe having a special ritual for the baby? I'm just kickign around ideas to help with closure for you...I don't even know what I'm going to do myself yet.

I don't know why your baby was etopic either, but I do know that it WASN'T YOUR FAULT. It wasn't someting you did or didn'tn do. It wasn't any person's fault, in fact.

I'm glad your ex is out of your life. That sounds very cold, but I've learned that there is a lot of coldness out there in the world, as I'm sure you have as well. SO try and surround yourself with warmth.

Lots of love and hugs floating your way.

 

[GMum]

I am so sorry for your loss mama.