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Discussion Starter #1
I posted this in special needs parenting - but need I am seeking more responses so here goes:<br><br>
My DS has a friend from school with Aspegers. The friendship is currently quite strained due to various reasons (mainly poor social skills).<br><br>
Anyway, my son told me today that his friend said "Why don't I have any friends? I should just kill myself....see how you like it when I am not here". Please note this child is 10!!!<br><br>
Ok - what do I do?<br><br>
Do I:<br><br>
a) tell the parents (I do not feel the parents will be very receptive to talking to me; I tried to talk to the mother once about why my son was pulling away from her son, but it did not go well). I thinking of leaving a signed, carefully worded note on her door.<br><br>
b) tell the school. This will ensure he gets help - but it may be more help than he needs. What if he is a 10 year old saying a stupid thing? I am sure CAS would be called and get involved.<br><br>
Help.<br><br>
Kathy
 

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Tell the mom.
 

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Clearly, this ten year old IS saying a stupid thing. The question is, is he saying a stupid thing he has no intention of following up on, or is he saying a stupid thing with the intention of then carrying out his threat? His mom would probably know.<br><br>
No one really likes the idea of seeking out a parent they may have little, no, or a completely negative relationship with to tell them that their child may be suicidal. The situation isn't getting any better for waiting, though.<br><br>
If the child was hoping the threat would lead to attention, the fact that nothing has yet happened may spur him to take further and/or more dramatic action. If the child was hoping the threat would change his relationship with your ds in a positive way, recess is going to be extremely uncomfortable on Monday.<br><br>
If my ten-year-old was saying things like that to his friends, I would want to know so I could begin addressing it - whether or not he's actually suicidal, your son's friend needs some help with appropriate peer interactions, and needs it fairly urgently.<br><br>
I wouldn't expect it to be comfortable, but I'd call the mom tonight. Tell her you're concerned about her son because of what your ds told you. Tell her you wanted to make sure she knew her son was feeling so upset, because pre-teen boys sometimes don't share these kinds of intense feelings with their parents. Tell her that you know things have been strained between your sons lately, and that you hope her son is OK.<br><br>
And then I'd probably feel like I needed a massage or the world's longest hot bath. Nonetheless, it's got to be done, and it's got to be done soon.<br><br>
Also, I'd encourage your son to talk to a teacher, nurse, or counselor at school right away if his friend makes similar statements in the future. It's a lot easier to determine the severity of a threat on the spot than it is to work it out second-hand over 24 hours later. Plus, then they can call the mom and you don't have to.
 

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As the parent of a child who <b>has</b> threatened suicide, I would say yes, <b>definately</b> tell her. As the pp said, it might not be pleasant or easy, but it is neccesary
 

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What is your son's feeling about confidentiality here? Obviously you need to report this to someone. But if you were to go through the school, then your son's name could be kept out of it. The kid may well figure it out still, but going this route might put less strain on their friendship.<br><br>
Also, if you tell the mom -- will she do anything about it? She might have a real hard time wrapping her head around it, or finding the courage to explore resources. By going through the school, you ensure that the report is taken seriously.<br><br>
And yes -- in the future, your son should be encouraged to take information like this directly to a trusted adult at school (as well as to you at home.)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks, mamas<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><br><br>
I am still processing...but obviously will do something soon - like today or tomorrow. Then I will have my own private meltdown. I will talk to my son -he might prefer the more anonymous school route, and goodness know it would be easier on me. But as mentionned earlier, I do have CAS worries if the school is involved - something that may be avoidable if I talk to the parents directly.<br><br><br><br>
Kathy
 

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Please don't wait too long. Better to make a choice that is less than optimal than to keep procrastinating. There is no way to know how serious the kids is -- how far advanced his plan is, how desperate he feels.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I took a deep breath, knocked on the door, and handed her the note I composed. We had a short conversation, but it went fairly well. His mother was aware he had been depressed, but thought he was "over it". She was glad I came to her instead of going to the school. It went fairly well and I feel a sense of relief.<br><br>
kathy
 

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My ten year old son has said similar things. Mostly "I am so stupid I should just kill myself."<br><br>
Mostly it is a feeling he has in the moment. Sometimes he says it to get out of trouble, sometimes he really feels that desperate.<br><br>
He is in counseling, we are trying to do the best for him.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> to you boobybaby!<br><br>
For my own part, I am glad I told the mother and not the school. The <i>mother</i> was glad I told her and not the school.<br><br>
Hope everything works out.
 

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You did a very couragous thing, good job mama!<br><br>
Regardless of *if he ment it* the mom needed to know!
 
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