Joined
·
2,480 Posts
This is my 1001st post here on MDC. What a ride.
I posted on here before we lost Josie, in the natural birth part of the site, and then only a couple of days after losing her, here, in the PABL forum.
Now, it's been six months almost. I can't believe I'm here! Six months at the beginning seemed like such a long, long time. Now here we are nevertheless.
I survived though. And here is where I ramble on - I can't believe it really. I'm not nuts. I'm not a horrible person, though I have at times become exasperated in the last few months and snapped at a few people on occasion. But every time, our family has pulled together, knowing that what we have is golden, and not worth throwing away because of frustration.
Harry and I have gone through this path together and we're still strong. Sometimes the grieving has been different, yes, that is true, but still, we're here and we're not living in separate places. We slept in one another's arms last night. We're trying to make another baby.
The terrible emptiness of not having Josie to hold has become controllable. I can control how much I think of that now. It's like an addiction. You control your cravings to begin with, to knock the addiction, and after a while train yourself not to think of it any more - or to think of something else when the thought comes up. But, at the back of your mind there's still this wild, hairy little beast that wants to jump out and infect your body with it's presence, and jump on what you were addicted to with this insatiable hunger... When, and if, I have another child, the addiction will return and I will plummet head on down into it with glee...that's about the best analogy I can think of to describe the craving I conceal.
Now I suppose, I am standing here unsteadily on my own two feet, without too much fear but with shakiness. I dearly hope we can conceive again. I don't know if we really can. I don't know if I will believe we an until I see a second pink line on that stick. I do wonder if I will ever be pregnant again. I so desperately want to be.
Just waiting on that second line now. Just waiting, so that we can move a step forward. I'm on hold right now. Just finding things to do to occupy my time...
*HUGE hugs* to my wonderful friends, all the mamas on this board. XXXX
I posted on here before we lost Josie, in the natural birth part of the site, and then only a couple of days after losing her, here, in the PABL forum.
Now, it's been six months almost. I can't believe I'm here! Six months at the beginning seemed like such a long, long time. Now here we are nevertheless.
I survived though. And here is where I ramble on - I can't believe it really. I'm not nuts. I'm not a horrible person, though I have at times become exasperated in the last few months and snapped at a few people on occasion. But every time, our family has pulled together, knowing that what we have is golden, and not worth throwing away because of frustration.
Harry and I have gone through this path together and we're still strong. Sometimes the grieving has been different, yes, that is true, but still, we're here and we're not living in separate places. We slept in one another's arms last night. We're trying to make another baby.
The terrible emptiness of not having Josie to hold has become controllable. I can control how much I think of that now. It's like an addiction. You control your cravings to begin with, to knock the addiction, and after a while train yourself not to think of it any more - or to think of something else when the thought comes up. But, at the back of your mind there's still this wild, hairy little beast that wants to jump out and infect your body with it's presence, and jump on what you were addicted to with this insatiable hunger... When, and if, I have another child, the addiction will return and I will plummet head on down into it with glee...that's about the best analogy I can think of to describe the craving I conceal.
Now I suppose, I am standing here unsteadily on my own two feet, without too much fear but with shakiness. I dearly hope we can conceive again. I don't know if we really can. I don't know if I will believe we an until I see a second pink line on that stick. I do wonder if I will ever be pregnant again. I so desperately want to be.
Just waiting on that second line now. Just waiting, so that we can move a step forward. I'm on hold right now. Just finding things to do to occupy my time...
*HUGE hugs* to my wonderful friends, all the mamas on this board. XXXX
