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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I did a search and read a lot of opinions on this here

Background: DSS is with us half time, he is with his mom the other half. Says he doesn't wet the bed often at his mom's but we do have a problem with him lying about the other home. He says that sometimes his mom wakes him up 3x a night, which seems crazy to us, if she's been doing that for a long time it seems it would be habit by now? I think it only happened for one week or maybe just one night to be honest. He had never worn pull-ups with her because they made fun of them and said he was wearing diapers.

I wonder sometimes if we have been too accepting, or too lax about this, we have tried really hard to keep him from feeling shameful or guilty about this. But, DSS doesn't care he wets the bed, at all. He's not embarassed by it at all, doesn't care if it happens at a friend's house. We were driving in a snow storm once and had to stop at a hotel for the night, with no extra clothes, he wet them and didn't care at all, was just playing with his cousins (who thought it was really gross) as if he was wearing normal clean clothes. We just had to drive the rest of the way home this way with him wrapped in/sitting on a blanket.

We gave up on pull-ups, or gave him the choice because he was hiding them in his room (wet!!) for some reason and his room smelled really, really bad...and we ended up having to give him consequences constantly for doing this. It was a constant struggle. So now he just changes his sheets in the morning and often at night when we wake him up. It's not hard to wake him up, but he sleeps very deep. Now we have a problem with him changing his sheets correctly, before bed last night he made his bed and just threw the waterpoof pad under his sheets, folded! So it did nothing! I guess he thought we wouldn't notice.

Last night he wet the bed only two hours after going to bed. Then again at least once during the night. A wet bed does not wake him, he will just sleep in it, most the time I think he wets many times.

I don't really think waking him helps, we can wake him and an hour later he will wet again, and no, he doesn't drink a lot after dinner, and always goes before bed. None of these things seem to matter. He's only dry about once or twice a month (which is about two weeks with us).

We are at a loss, should we go back to pull-ups or buy an alarm? I know the pull-ups would help with the sheets and destruction of the mattress, but would an alarm be a better choice or do we just wait for him to outgrow this? I think he is open to either but really doesn't seem to care.

This has been very frustrating, trying to strike a balance between making him take responsibility (as in making the bed right, throwing the pull-up in the TRASH) and not making him feel bad. We just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like we have tried everything but the alarm or meds.
 

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I vote for the alarm. We used an alarm from bedwettingstore.com and got a very helpful book to go with it. It really explained why bedwetting happens, esp. with older kids and gives clear information on how to use the alarm to end bedwetting. My friend used it with her child too with great success. The thing that was important, was that once we explained how it worked, both of our kids wanted to try the alarm. I also think consistency would be important, so you may want to talk to his mother and get all of you working together on this.

I know that my dd couldn't help it. She has ADD and there just wasn't the right connection between her brain and her bladder while she slept.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
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Originally Posted by Lil'M View Post
I vote for the alarm. We used an alarm from bedwettingstore.com
Thank you, I will definitely take a look at that site.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Has ANYONE taken this child to a doctor to see if there is a medical cause? That would be my #1 course of action, as well as enlisting the doctor's aid in solving this situation.
Yes, of course SOMEONE has taken him to the doctor. He's 11, it would be sort of ridiculous not to have tried that route, no? There is no medical reason. She is no help, she says he will grow out of it and if he doesn't she can give him meds. Lots of help there.

I guess if you aren't in this type of double home situation it might be hard to understand we are dealing with an irrational person on the other end of this. Any time we have talked to her about serious situations she turns it on us. Wanting to help dss with transitioning when she married someone who she had known for a couple of months turned into us wanting counseling because dh can't communicate with dss. So there is no rationality here. She will probably tell us he is fine at her house and it must be us. That's the kind of rationale we deal with.

DSS says he does not wet at all at her house. I don't see how this is even possible physically. Is it? It's not unusual for him to lie about the other house, or our house but this is unbelievable to me. If it's truly a medical problem wouldn't it be every day? Both weeks? Nothing traumatic happens here, he's very relaxed and normal, so it's not that, and even if it was on his transition days I could see that happening, but he does it almost every night, more than once.

He has taught himself some strange logic with this too, like sleeping on one side of the bed may help?! OR going to the bathroom every hour all day long...that's what his stepdad told him to do. How does that make sense?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtsyHeartsy View Post

Yes, of course SOMEONE has taken him to the doctor. He's 11, it would be sort of ridiculous not to have tried that route, no? There is no medical reason. She is no help, she says he will grow out of it and if he doesn't she can give him meds. Lots of help there.
Since it wasn't mentioned, it didn't seem unreasonable to ask.
 

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i think i would try pullups, since he is so aware of it.
i have the feeling that this is just a symptom of something else. I think that the least of this kid's problems is wetting the bed. Revisiting the whole family history with the guidance of a therapyst is needed to understand this situation.
good luck!
 

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The alarm worked wonders with my DS. He had NEVER gone through the night without wetting the bed. Once he was on board with wanting to stop bedwetting (wanted to go camping with the scouts without fear of wetting his sleeping bag), we ordered an alarm for him. He picked out the color he liked. We got one that had several sounds plus vibrated.

He wore the alarm attached to his underpants, then he pulled a Goodnight over them. When the alarm went off, he only had to replaced the Goodnight and not remake the whole bed.

I offered to slept in his room the first night in case he freaked out by the noise, but when it went off (it was early, I was still up) he just took care of things himself and went back to bed.

Within two weeks he was staying dry consistantly. That alarm was a miracle for DS. It was expensive, but cheaper than continuing to buy Goodnights and definitely an improvement over doing laundry and remaking the bed every single day.

We also ordered the alarm from the bedwettingstore.com

Good luck!
 

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And
I just realized I had cut and pasted my old post from a thread you had already read. Oops! But the alarm was such a great product for our family. Definitely one of the best investments I made.

I don't know how much the other issues (dual home situation, etc.) plays in, so it may or may not work as well in your situation.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by delfin View Post
i think i would try pullups, since he is so aware of it.
i have the feeling that this is just a symptom of something else. I think that the least of this kid's problems is wetting the bed. Revisiting the whole family history with the guidance of a therapyst is needed to understand this situation.
good luck!
Yeah, I'm not sure about this. He had gone through some very emotional stuff with the custody situation so it could be stressful, but he never was dry to begin with. He says he doesn't do it at his mom's, which makes no sense. If it was true would that mean that he is having a hard time at our house? The only thing I could think of that would be stressful is that he isn't supposed to like this house and maybe he feels more comfortable at her house because he knows it's okay to be fully happy there? (we have a very long history of parental alienation by his mom, he's not really allowed to openly like us or being with us)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teensy View Post
And
I just realized I had cut and pasted my old post from a thread you had already read. Oops! But the alarm was such a great product for our family. Definitely one of the best investments I made.

I don't know how much the other issues (dual home situation, etc.) plays in, so it may or may not work as well in your situation.

Good luck.
I thought it sounded familiar!
It's okay, I will be looking into those and also probably some therapy for him just because it's been a while since we tried that. (last time mom put a stop to it)
 

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Has ANYONE taken this child to a doctor to see if there is a medical cause? That would be my #1 course of action, as well as enlisting the doctor's aid in solving this situation.

Yes, of course SOMEONE has taken him to the doctor. He's 11, it would be sort of ridiculous not to have tried that route, no? There is no medical reason. She is no help, she says he will grow out of it and if he doesn't she can give him meds. Lots of help there.

***Whoa, please don't shoot the one who asks the obvious k? Could Mom not be being upfront as she could be? Has your DH taken him to the Dr.? I know it's frustrating as heck but please don't bite anyone's head off for asking the obvious.***

I guess if you aren't in this type of double home situation it might be hard to understand we are dealing with an irrational person on the other end of this. Any time we have talked to her about serious situations she turns it on us. Wanting to help dss with transitioning when she married someone who she had known for a couple of months turned into us wanting counseling because dh can't communicate with dss. So there is no rationality here. She will probably tell us he is fine at her house and it must be us. That's the kind of rationale we deal with.

***BREATHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. We too were in the double, triple, where am I sleeping tonight, oh? he's my SD now? what's his name again home situation. Again, please don't shoot the one who asks. It sounds like you have a not so good relationship with her. So be it. There is no way, at this point, to control her actions. All you and your DH can do id try to minimize the damage. And dang does that suck. But please have DH take him to a DR. A ped first. This may well be a physical thing. If a ped rules it out, THEN try a counsler. It sounds like it's a rough transition.***

DSS says he does not wet at all at her house. I don't see how this is even possible physically. Is it? It's not unusual for him to lie about the other house, or our house but this is unbelievable to me. If it's truly a medical problem wouldn't it be every day? Both weeks? Nothing traumatic happens here, he's very relaxed and normal, so it's not that, and even if it was on his transition days I could see that happening, but he does it almost every night, more than once.

***Again, please have DH take him to a ped. Rule out if it's a physical problem. If it's not, it could well be that he is so relaxed at your house that he can sleep deeply. Ergo, not waking to pee. And at 11, he's not going to tell you he still wets elsewhere.***

He has taught himself some strange logic with this too, like sleeping on one side of the bed may help?! OR going to the bathroom every hour all day long...that's what his stepdad told him to do. How does that make sense

***He didn't teach himself this - someone else did. Sleeping on one side - if he wets, he can roll to the other side for the rest of the night and no one has to deal with him. That is a blaring obvious sign that he wets at his Mom's as well. Othersise SF would not tell him those things. Or anyone else. Because it's a total PITA to deal with an older child who wets in the middle of the night.***

Yeah, I'm not sure about this. He had gone through some very emotional stuff with the custody situation so it could be stressful, but he never was dry to begin with. He says he doesn't do it at his mom's, which makes no sense. If it was true would that mean that he is having a hard time at our house? The only thing I could think of that would be stressful is that he isn't supposed to like this house and maybe he feels more comfortable at her house because he knows it's okay to be fully happy there? (we have a very long history of parental alienation by his mom, he's not really allowed to openly like us or being with us)

***See above. Maybe he can ONLY be restful at your house - good call. But personally I think it's more than that. And tbh, if he has never been dry at his age; it's all the more important that your DH take him to a DR. Not just for meds; he may well have a physical issue. A small bladder, etc.***

***WWID? Have his Dad layer his bed. Waterproof pad and sheet X 3. If he wets, strip the top layer and put him back to bed. Take him to the bathroom in between. Expect sleepwalking to the bathroom lol. Give him privacy. He is a pre-teen. Repeat as needed. Do NOT make it a big deal. Do NOT shame. In the am, take him aside and show him how to wash his linens in private. No 11 year old wants the world to know he still wets the bed. Be calm and matter of fact about it whoever has to help him.

He does NOT want to do this, whatever the reason. Please give him the tools to deal with it while in your home, don't make an issue of it, and PLEASE have DH take him to the DR to rule out a physical reason.

In the meantime, PITA as it may be, (and it IS), layer the bed, don't make it a big deal and show him how to wash his own linens. Just being responsible, without it being a big deal, is a measure of control over the situation that he may not have elsewhere.

And remember, this too shall pass
***

And by all that is holy - PLEASE don't put a pre-teen in a pull-up. Or a Good-nights or whatever else is on the market unless it is a physical problem.
 

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Of course the situation is stressful for him - from BOTH sides of the equation. I would bet he is more than aware what your true feelings towards his Mom are, whether you verbalize them or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge View Post
***Whoa, please don't shoot the one who asks the obvious k? Could Mom not be being upfront as she could be? Has your DH taken him to the Dr.? I know it's frustrating as heck but please don't bite anyone's head off for asking the obvious.***
I'm not shooting anyone, but when you come at me with all caps to emphasize certain words it sets a tone whether you want to admit it or not. It came across wrong. Where is the "shooting" at?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge View Post
***BREATHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. We too were in the double, triple, where am I sleeping tonight, oh? he's my SD now? what's his name again home situation. Again, please don't shoot the one who asks. It sounds like you have a not so good relationship with her. So be it. There is no way, at this point, to control her actions. All you and your DH can do id try to minimize the damage. And dang does that suck. But please have DH take him to a DR. A ped first. This may well be a physical thing. If a ped rules it out, THEN try a counsler. It sounds like it's a rough transition.***
Again, who am I "shooting?" I don't think people that aren't in these situations understand what it's like, and many who are still don't. I'm not shooting anyone down or even being disrespectful by saying that it might be hard to understand. There is NO communication with his mom, there hasn't been for a long time, talk about shooting, every time we have tried she usually makes fun of my husband for a typo or something and deflects or just uses that as a distraction. I know that we have to try to minimize damage, etc, etc. That's what we do. Again...we have taken him to the Doctor for this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge View Post
***Again, please have DH take him to a ped. Rule out if it's a physical problem. If it's not, it could well be that he is so relaxed at your house that he can sleep deeply. Ergo, not waking to pee. And at 11, he's not going to tell you he still wets elsewhere.***
We have taken him to the Doctor. I'm wondering if you have only read one of my posts, we have covered this stuff. I know he might be lying...you can see that I've already said that in my first post. The problem is why? And is it possible that he isn't?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge View Post
He has taught himself some strange logic with this too, like sleeping on one side of the bed may help?! OR going to the bathroom every hour all day long...that's what his stepdad told him to do. How does that make sense

***He didn't teach himself this - someone else did. Sleeping on one side - if he wets, he can roll to the other side for the rest of the night and no one has to deal with him. That is a blaring obvious sign that he wets at his Mom's as well. Othersise SF would not tell him those things. Or anyone else. Because it's a total PITA to deal with an older child who wets in the middle of the night.***
That's not what I meant. I don't think it came out right. He thinks that if he just sleeps on his side, one a certain side, facing a certain direction he won't wet. Not that he wets and rolls over, just that it won't happen at all if he is on one side and not the other. He said that he will sleep on the left side one night and the right the other and that makes his body confused so he doesn't wet. That's what I meant by strange logic. It so happened that he didn't wet one of the nights he did that so he thought it worked, but says it doesn't anymore. I was trying not to write too much that's why I only threw in a sentence, but it's definitely not about rolling to one side after wetting. Though he might do that too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge View Post
good call. But personally I think it's more than that. And tbh, if he has never been dry at his age; it's all the more important that your DH take him to a DR. Not just for meds; he may well have a physical issue. A small bladder, etc.***

***WWID? Have his Dad layer his bed. Waterproof pad and sheet X 3. If he wets, strip the top layer and put him back to bed. Take him to the bathroom in between. Expect sleepwalking to the bathroom lol. Give him privacy. He is a pre-teen. Repeat as needed. Do NOT make it a big deal. Do NOT shame. In the am, take him aside and show him how to wash his linens in private. No 11 year old wants the world to know he still wets the bed. Be calm and matter of fact about it whoever has to help him.

He does NOT want to do this, whatever the reason. Please give him the tools to deal with it while in your home, don't make an issue of it, and PLEASE have DH take him to the DR to rule out a physical reason.
Again, I am not trying to be rude, it's hard to read tone here, but I covered this in my first post:

I wonder sometimes if we have been too accepting, or too lax about this, we have tried really hard to keep him from feeling shameful or guilty about this. But, DSS doesn't care he wets the bed, at all. He's not embarrassed by it at all, doesn't care if it happens at a friend's house.


I'm sure he cares that he does it, but doesn't seem embarrassed, has no problem with pull-ups or changing sheets in front of friends. We have been SOOOO accepting of this, I wonder if it's been too much. We just want him to be comfortable and not feel shamed especially when he was getting so much of it from the other side.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge View Post
In the meantime, PITA as it may be, (and it IS), layer the bed, don't make it a big deal and show him how to wash his own linens. Just being responsible, without it being a big deal, is a measure of control over the situation that he may not have elsewhere.

And remember, this too shall pass
***

And by all that is holy - PLEASE don't put a pre-teen in a pull-up. Or a Good-nights or whatever else is on the market unless it is a physical problem.
We have talked to him about this and he wants to use them. Honestly I don't see the harm if he is okay with it, he is not ashamed of them. We will be looking into the alarm system as well, he really wants to try that. Even with a goodnight he wets so much it's all over the bed. I honestly have no idea where it all comes from. We have tried layering and it works sometimes but others not so much.

Bottom line, we have taken him to the doctor, we do almost everything you suggested and I did post that in my first post because it's a concern, that maybe we have done it to much. I do appreciate your input and time taken to give it to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Of course the situation is stressful for him - from BOTH sides of the equation. I would bet he is more than aware what your true feelings towards his Mom are, whether you verbalize them or not.
Okay, thanks. We know it's stressful for him....as any split custody situation will be, but I also know we have done everything in our power to keep him uninvolved. That said, No 11 year old is going to hear what he hears about me, knowing I know it and think it just bounces off of me. Any person in their right mind would not appreciate someone that treats them the way his mom treats me. I do not speak of it with him though and really don't speak of her at all unless necessary and even then I really bite my tongue....especially when he is telling me something terrible she has said or done about us. We just encourage him to speak up if he's uncomfortable, but he won't.

Unfortunately what we do, and how we react is the stuff that "he will appreciate when he is older and understands" in the meantime he's been brainwashed. I am not using that term lightly either. Parental alienation is going strong here. So even if he can read my emotions, it is nothing compared to what he hears about us. What's really sad, is that it works.

This really isn't the issue though. That is an issue for a different forum. Yes, it has greatly changed this bedwetting situation but I wasn't wanting to talk about our custody situation that much. I'm actually not really sure why you brought that up, but I hope I addressed it in a way that I am not "shooting" anyone and that you can see this is a part of what is going on with his wetting.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to clear some stuff up.
 

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I would suggest you reread your posts on this thread as though you were a stranger. Because they really do come across as being filled with animosity towards Mom. And I will guarantee that the kiddo feels that no matter how much you try to shield him from it.

And I'm sorry, but ONE word cap'd emphasizes only that one word. Your uncap'd words set their own tone, and it's not a particularly kind one.

Be that as it may... I won't respond to you again so as not to cause any more issues.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
This isn't personal. Okay, I will assume that your emphasis on that one word was well-meaning. Can you just explain to me why you emphasized that one word? From my pov it read as being very condescending. It is the word you emphasized that came off that way to me.

I do have animosity towards his mom, she has done some very, very bad things and created a sad and terrible situation. I understand if you deal with a stepmom, which is what I am assuming is the case because of the direction you have taken your posts, but I have tried to be nothing but good to dss and not let that show. When I am free to express feelings in a very stressful situation in the presence of adults, yes, my feelings towards her may show more. I'm okay with that because it's not him hearing me. It is very difficult not to mention this in this situation because of how it has been dealt with before with him being punished for bed wetting and being made fun of..I believe this has made it worse. I am working on my feelings towards her because it doesn't help, but when we come to an issue where we could use cooperation and would like to co-parent, we can't. We have even tried with this specific issue before.

I apologize if I came off snippy, like I said, it's hard to read tone and intention online. It's possible I read yours wrong.
 

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My DS is 10 and is also still struggling with this issue. He can go months without wetting the bed, then it will be every day for a week. My ds also has issued with peeing/pooping his pants, with 4 trips to the Doctor, he finally realized that ds did have dimminished feeling in that area. I have noticed, that the incidents skyrocket around growth spurts and days when he is overly exahusted.

My ds would be "dry" for a month, then we would send him to Grandma's or go camping and WHAM, wet bed/sleeping bag. The minute we get home, he would be dry again. When camping, I still make sure I take him to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he gets completely disoriented when he wakes does wake up. We also make sure to ALWAYS have a change of clothes, even if it is for only a few hours.

The alarm sounds good - I'm going to try one also. I would suggest giving him rewards for making the bed correctly. It will take time for him to figure out how to make the bed correctly, especially late at night. Frankly even my dh would manage to put everything on upside down and backwards. My stress over the situation diminished when ds started taking care of some of the mess himself.

What is his bedtime routine at moms? Does he go to bed earlier/later, it may make a difference. My ds gets worse especially when his routine is disrupted. This bedwetting is NOT unusual for boys, sometime they sleepwalk, cry for no apparent reason or have nightmares. I haven't quite figured out if the nightmares cause the wetting or vise versa.
 

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my son's bedwetting stopped after taking a homeopathic remedy. It was basically unshed tears. once he cleared some emotional blocks, he stopped wetting his bed. my suggest would be to take your dss to a homeopath.
 

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What about stopping all beverages at 6? I would vote for you and your dh taking him to the dr. If this is continuing to happen this badly I would keep pushing For a urologist to take a look.
 

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There is something medical that can be done for camping trips and overnights with friends..Desmopressin. We never used it all the time, but for two weeks at a time on family trips or when he had friends spend the night. It was cheap too.. so cheap that we never used our insurance for it.. less than 10 bucks for 30 of them. It might be the thing to use at your house if there are issues.

I have several threads about our family's nocturnal enuresis journey. That is the medical term and 2 of 10 11 year olds deal with it. It can be frustrating, temper flaring and shameful to deal with. Take that away. He is not too lazy to get up, he is not immature, he is not emotionally damaged... he will be if there is hostility to him because of this. This is pure and simple a medical condition and one he is old enough to deal with on his own... and he will if he does not feel shamed because of it. The hiding is a sure sign that someone has shamed him..intentionally or not.

The basics for us were
FLEECE FLEECE FLEECE... we used fleece as a bottom sheet with a waterproof mattress pad. a yard and a half of fleece is a twin sized bed.run elastic all around and it will stay on. The biggest benefit to fleece, it washes and dries in a heartbeat.. you can even wash it in the sink and have it dry an hour latter draped over a chair.

and not pullups but a product I bought from a WAHM on this site. They were basically fuzzi bunz with a boxer like cover instead of a diaper. they allowed him to feel wet but not have a puddle for everyone to deal with.. and they were laundered with the rest of the wash.. no big deal. You could add extra inserts if they needed more absorbency.

We tried the alarms, we tried getting him up an hour after he fell asleep, two hours and every hour until we went to bed.. he always seemed to do it.. we stopped liquids after 5 pm, we did holistic meds, counseling.. you name it.. we tried it.

There is a hormone in the body that shuts production of urine down at night. Some people do not produce it in childhood. They will when puberty hits. That was the "cure" for us.
 

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The alarm worked almost miraculously for my dd. She had no more than a handful of dry nights in her life before. After two weeks, she was dry for good with the alarm. She wanted to know why we hadn't done it sooner.
 

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@ boobybunny

and not pullups but a product I bought from a WAHM on this site. They were basically fuzzi bunz with a boxer like cover instead of a diaper. they allowed him to feel wet but not have a puddle for everyone to deal with.. and they were laundered with the rest of the wash.. no big deal. You could add extra inserts if they needed more absorbency.

Can you tell me how to find this product?
Thanks!
 
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