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14 year old daughter/dating/life
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Every child is different. You can't beat yourself up too much. And with your daughter, since she was previously home schooled, she's experience peer pressure in ways she never has before.
I know several people who cut, and what you explained makes sense. Just make sure to occasionally do a check to make sure it's really over. Cutting can become addictive.
I think it's wise to check her texts regularly, but I do think you need to do so without getting involved. She's a teenager. She's going to worry about her boyfriend, and talk to her friends in ways that worry you. That's all normal stuff. And she's going to make relationship mistakes. Some of which she's not going to want you to know about. As long as she's safe, she will need some semblance of privacy to develop her own independence.
I know several people who cut, and what you explained makes sense. Just make sure to occasionally do a check to make sure it's really over. Cutting can become addictive.
I think it's wise to check her texts regularly, but I do think you need to do so without getting involved. She's a teenager. She's going to worry about her boyfriend, and talk to her friends in ways that worry you. That's all normal stuff. And she's going to make relationship mistakes. Some of which she's not going to want you to know about. As long as she's safe, she will need some semblance of privacy to develop her own independence.
I think your daughter needs a therapist, and you possibly need a different therapist. Wanting attention from people on instagram so badly that you cut yourself (even shallowly) is a giant issue, and you also reference underlying depression. Also, you're vibrating all over the place with concerns about what your daughter's mental state means about you as a parent - what did you do wrong, how did you mess up. That's not helpful to your daughter in processing her issues. She needs to talk to someone who sees her issues as entirely about her, without an investment in how they reflect.
What was the point of having your daughter miss an exam? Surely she was not at risk of cutting herself *while* taking a final. She could spill her guts to you just as well after passing her class.
"Hours of questioning" tends not to get you the truth so much as what the subject of the questioning thinks you will find narratively satisfying.
I also - HUGELY - think you should stay out of it about her boyfriend.
I question your conclusion that the boy who pressured your daughter to send scantily clad selfies now now now is a "good kid." He can act good sometimes, but right there? That was a bad thing for him to do, and a potential relationship dealbreaker. He treated her badly. Acknowledge that in your head. And when you take her to the mall to walk around with her boyfriend, exercise some reasonable skepticism about his feelings and intentions. Feel free, for example, to be less than thrilled with facilitating the hangout. If you want your daughter to respect herself, you have to at least raise your eyebrows when people treat her badly.
However, parental interference in romance (teen or otherwise) tends to just build the drama and cement disasters. Your relationship is with your daughter, and it is not your job to advocate for her boyfriends. If she wants to break up with him, she should. If she wants to feel out whether her friends would support her or still like her if she wasn't dating this guy, that's reasonable research for her to undertake. If she's insecure about whether her boyfriend's interest will continue now that she is prevented from sending pictures of herself in her underwear - well, if that's a dealbreaker for him, your attitude as a parent should be 'good riddance.' (Incidentally, you do not help her feel secure in her relationship with her boyfriend, especially not this boyfriend - she's not secure because - possibly among other reasons - he's not all that safe or pleasant to date.)
Teenage romances are often spectacular emotional dramas, and it's exhausting, but I am going to argue that this is age appropriate. Better that kids should understand what it's like to be too intense and overreact and fight and win and lose and communicate badly as teens, really. The stakes are low. Communicating badly and having a stupid breakup in high school will hopefully help her understand how to communicate well and keep a relationship going when she's ready to do that, which she isn't (because she's fourteen). Having her own personal flameout will be far more educational than having you lecture her and attempt to dictate how she deals with her boyfriend. Flaming out and getting back up and going to school again will also be an important lesson to her, when that happens, about how relationships sometimes end, but life goes on.
What was the point of having your daughter miss an exam? Surely she was not at risk of cutting herself *while* taking a final. She could spill her guts to you just as well after passing her class.
"Hours of questioning" tends not to get you the truth so much as what the subject of the questioning thinks you will find narratively satisfying.
I also - HUGELY - think you should stay out of it about her boyfriend.
I question your conclusion that the boy who pressured your daughter to send scantily clad selfies now now now is a "good kid." He can act good sometimes, but right there? That was a bad thing for him to do, and a potential relationship dealbreaker. He treated her badly. Acknowledge that in your head. And when you take her to the mall to walk around with her boyfriend, exercise some reasonable skepticism about his feelings and intentions. Feel free, for example, to be less than thrilled with facilitating the hangout. If you want your daughter to respect herself, you have to at least raise your eyebrows when people treat her badly.
However, parental interference in romance (teen or otherwise) tends to just build the drama and cement disasters. Your relationship is with your daughter, and it is not your job to advocate for her boyfriends. If she wants to break up with him, she should. If she wants to feel out whether her friends would support her or still like her if she wasn't dating this guy, that's reasonable research for her to undertake. If she's insecure about whether her boyfriend's interest will continue now that she is prevented from sending pictures of herself in her underwear - well, if that's a dealbreaker for him, your attitude as a parent should be 'good riddance.' (Incidentally, you do not help her feel secure in her relationship with her boyfriend, especially not this boyfriend - she's not secure because - possibly among other reasons - he's not all that safe or pleasant to date.)
Teenage romances are often spectacular emotional dramas, and it's exhausting, but I am going to argue that this is age appropriate. Better that kids should understand what it's like to be too intense and overreact and fight and win and lose and communicate badly as teens, really. The stakes are low. Communicating badly and having a stupid breakup in high school will hopefully help her understand how to communicate well and keep a relationship going when she's ready to do that, which she isn't (because she's fourteen). Having her own personal flameout will be far more educational than having you lecture her and attempt to dictate how she deals with her boyfriend. Flaming out and getting back up and going to school again will also be an important lesson to her, when that happens, about how relationships sometimes end, but life goes on.
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I politely disagree. Meepycat, do you currently have teens?
The statistics show that about 10% of teens have experimented with cutting as either a way to cope, or (more commonly) a way to get attention. If you go to websites like Tumblr, you will find a frightening amount of teenagers posting photos of cutting and suicide, and romanticizing it. I have two stepdaughters who use Tumblr far more than I would like, so I created a page there just to get a feel for what this generation considers cool, poetic, terrible, etc. Cutting appears to be one way this generation expresses their angst. But it IS addictive, and destructive. Stopping the behavior when it first starts is critical.
Now if it becomes an ongoing and hidden behavior, I agree that a therapist should get involved.
I have known several teens (including one of my own) who have either cut regularly, or experimented with cutting to get attention. Cutters aren't suicidal. From everything I have researched, including discussions with a friend who has been addicted to cutting for about 20 years, they are cutting because they want to find escape WITHOUT ending their life. It's a pretty twisted way to express life-affirming behavior, but at least it's still life-affirming... :scratch
So while I know it sounds pretty scary, and it's really bizarre to a Gen X like myself, the Millennials have a different way of processing things. They post stuff on the internet to get fame, and some girls in their teens see cutting and suicidal behavior as tragically romantic. And a lot of kids do this. Websites like Tumblr, Instagram, and Snapchat are common for this type of oversharing.
But yeah, I do agree that it's best to stay out of the situation with the boyfriend.
I don't have teens, but I do volunteer work with them in various capacities.
If stopping cutting early is critical, getting a professional therapist in early seems like a good idea to me. Plenty of people who aren't suicidal benefit from talk therapy. In this particular situation, for a variety of reasons, I stand by the recommendation.
If stopping cutting early is critical, getting a professional therapist in early seems like a good idea to me. Plenty of people who aren't suicidal benefit from talk therapy. In this particular situation, for a variety of reasons, I stand by the recommendation.
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