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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My 14 year old daughter is being cruel to my 8 year old. I just hear her tell her "screw you bitch." I told her not to speak to her sister that way and she said, "she is no longer my sister."<br><br>
My 8 year old is returning to a new school this year after a two years of home schooling. We went to her new school today to turn in some paperwork and I let the younger kids play at the playground. My 8yo told me that her older sister told her that all the teachers would hate he and she would have no friends. Why would you say something so hurtful to your sister?<br><br>
My 14 yo had a rough end of the year last year. A so called friend told everyone DD said something that was only half true. So all her "friends" got mad at her and no one is talking to DD. I am hoping that since she is going to a new school this year, high school, she will meet new friends. But in the meantime I feel she is trying to make her sister as miserable as she is.<br><br>
There is also the fact that for some reason I cannot figure out, she thinks the 8yo is my favorite. I can honestly say that I have no favorites of my children. However if I was going to, my 8 yo is my most challenging and I can't figure out why DD would think 8yo is the favorite instead of say.. the baby.<br><br>
In the meantime I don't know what to do to keep the 14 yo from hurting her sister verbally. She doesn't respond well to anything she is told and demands everyone do what she wants. I am really at a loss as to what to do and it makes me sad when my 8yo is crying because she thinks her sister hates her. Any advice? TIA.
 

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This is not a solution by any means, Tina, but your family is welcomed at our place... My older sons are 13 and 11 and a LOT of fun, and your 14 year old daughter may like their company... my 8 year old daughter is a blast and makes friends almost instantly with anyone her age-ish... and your older daughter will see some modeled behavior from our older children to the younger, and have an environment where it is "cool" to be an older sibling. Your youngest daughter and my youngest son are similar ages, too. We would love to have you over to play and hang out, and then we (the adults) and chat and sip coffee, and we can talk about some ideas in person regarding sibling relations. My husband would be thrilled to hold and interact with the baby, too! (He STILL has baby lust! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ). I can try to get together a few other families ...my friend Mary has children 1yr, 11 yrs, 16yrs, and 19yrs, Emily has Raven that is 11 and Nigel whom is 2, My friend Jenna as Caleb whom is 6 and Naomi whom is 2, and I may be able to get Lyla and her 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son here, too... A positive sibling social group in a large space, and we all have a variety of experience and support with sibling issues.<br><br>
Thinking good thoughts to ya, Tina!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks embers. You know.. I have no idea where you moved too! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I am not sure if I can get DD to come to something like that without forcing her. She never wants to do anything with the rest of us. I asked her to come to the picnic this Sunday but she doesn't want to go. The only reason she wants to go to the state fair with us on Monday is because we are going to a concert that evening.<br><br>
I do remember being her age and disliking everyone. I never wanted to go anywhere with my family but that was because I wanted to be with my friends. DD just wants to veg in front of the TV on Video games.<br><br>
I know I never liked my brother but I don't remember being so cruel to him. Maybe I was. I am sure he would say I was. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
It just breaks my heart that they used to get along and play together and now DD1 doesn't want to have anything to do with her.<br><br>
I hope we will see you and your family at the picnic. I think your dh and mine would get along well. Besides, I need someone to hang with since at the last picnic I felt unloved. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Please let your daughter know that we have a modded PS2, all of the DDR games and the pad, an XBox, a GameCube, and a variety of other things just for the older kidz. Our home is a split-level with a younger kid play area upstairs, so she will have space to be with the older kids and even space to be alone to play games or veg if she likes.<br><br>
We may be going to the picnic. We are having car trouble, so it totally depends on if we can get it fixed or if we can buy a used van before Sunday.<br><br>
((((((((SUPPORT)))))))))) to you, Tina.<br><br>
Has your daughter shown any signs of depression, you think? Puberty is a real common onset of clinical depression, and the byproduct can be lack of interest or enthusiasm for otherwise fun things, a sense of dismay or escape (games, TV, etc), reclusivness, and irritability and anger towards people close to them or otherwise trying to draw them out. Maybe she is going through something more than just transition into teen hood, etc. Maybe the thing with her friends was the tip of an ice burg so to say... Please be aware of this. If she is in the throws of her overwhelming emotions, she may be lashing out and hiding out - not consciously trying to be mean. I am not saying run out and put her on antidepressants or anything, but just be aware of the possibility that she may be going through something more than just teen moodiness. Have you considered family counseling and/or counseling for your teen daughter?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>embers</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8980794"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Have you considered family counseling and/or counseling for your teen daughter?</div>
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I have.. we don't have health insurance and unfortunately you can't get help for free.
 

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Well, let me look around. There is one therapist that I contacted that was willing to do personal and family counseling for $30 a session, and even willing to delay payments if needed, if the family is low income.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well $30 is fairly reasonable. Although I am afraid dd would be like me at that age and stare at her like an idiot until it was time to go. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> DH was sent to counciling as a child. He poed the councilor off and he (the councilor) threw the chess set he was using to try to get through to DH all over the room after several months of DH refusing to talk to him.
 

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I have no great advice, but I saw that health insurance is a concern. I have no idea what your income level is, but my kids are on a state program in california for middle income families that costs us $18/month for all three kids. I found a similar program in Oregon here <a href="http://www.oregon.gov/OPHP/FHIAP/index.shtml" target="_blank">http://www.oregon.gov/OPHP/FHIAP/index.shtml</a><br><br>
I have no idea if this is helpful, but I've found a lot of people in CA that don't know about the program we're on, so I thought I'dpread the word.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks. I knew about the program in California before we moved. We don't qualify. We don't qualify in Oregon either. On paper we make too much money for any type of help. Of course no one takes into consideration that more than 50% of our take home goes to mortgage.<br><br>
Because we don't qualify for help, we probably have LESS money because we have to pay full price for everything. Don't even get me started on how the middle income families get screwed.<br><br>
But thanks for trying to help. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
There is actually some insurance though the school that is $250 a school year for accidents 24/7. It wont help with counseling but it will help with other insurance issues.
 

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That sucks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">.
 

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Ages 13-15 were the hardest with my ds. He was very moody. His siblings are much younger, though, so I didn't have the issue you are having with the sisters. I would try spending more positive time with the older girl, especially since, for whatever reason, she thinks you favor your 8yo. Give her lots of positive attention, do everything you can to make her feel like she is appreciated. I know the better I feel about myself and the more loved I feel the nicer I am to everyone around me. I am in no way saying that you don't do that now but for some reason she's feeling negative about things so she needs that extra positive reinforcement. Make it clear under no uncertain terms that being cruel to others is just unacceptable then come up with a consequence that makes sense for your family. Just like with toddlers, you still have to do things over and over again with teenagers even though they look like they should get it the first time. Their brains still aren't working at full capacity, so to speak.
 

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oh, mama. I feel for you. I spend a riiculous amount of time in this forum, as my almost 14 year old has been replaced by some creature from the exorcist.<br><br>
Hugs to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Stinkerbell</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8981451"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">oh, mama. I feel for you. I spend a riiculous amount of time in this forum, as my almost 14 year old has been replaced by some creature from the exorcist.<br><br>
Hugs to you.</div>
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Well at least I know it isn't just mine!<br><br>
She wants her ears pierced again. I told her she needed to clean the playroom first. First she had til Wed., but then because we had to be gone most of Wed., I gave her til Friday. She is sitting on her butt watching tv. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
It doesn't really hurt me as I don't want them pierced again.. but you would think as much as she begged to have it done.. she would be working on the playroom to earn the money for it.
 

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Can you take away TV or computer time for the verbal comments she's making? DD doesn't lose her computer time very easy, but she'd get a few days no computer for a comment like in your OP - and it would have an effect, the threat of losing computer time has stopped her from putting holes in walls, slamming doors, etc. It sounds kinda like my DD vents her anger physically, your DD vents it verbally maybe?<br><br>
We're too far for any meet up and I know how different 14 and 12 year olds are, but I wish I could help with a friend for her. Hopefully the new school is kinder to her. High school can be hard, but not so bad with good friends a long the way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Taking stuff away from her doesn't have any effect. It just pisses her off more. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Yea.. I am hoping high school will be better. Three middle schools feed into this school (it's the only one in town) so there should be plenty of new people to meet.
 

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Taking priviledges from my ds didn't work, either. He'd just bide his time until he got the priviledges back. After some time, the nasty behavior would start again. The counselors I've seen say to kill him with kindness. That doesn't mean that I do everything he wants. Quite the opposite. I don't do much of anything for him anymore. I don't give him money. I don't buy him fun things. I don't drive him all over town to hang out with his friends. I just try to be pleasant and loving and attentive as much as possible no matter what he does, match his anger with love rather than more anger.
 

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sometimes through the school system they offer counseling, you could try that route too. i know this isn't any relief for you, but i could have written your post. after moving up here (PDX) from Eugene i could swear someone has replaced my children, i have been really upset by it, really. i am lenient on a lot, but mean-ness i have a hard time with. i just don't know what i am doing wrong now. but i guess the move was that hard on them<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br>
my ds14 has been showing signs of depression (unfortunately i know what it looks like, runs in the family) and we talked about it a few days ago, actually it was a good conversation-which surprised me. for now, he committed to more healthy eating, daily walks and talking (to someone-not necessarily me) when he feels bad. we are actually going to the picnic this sunday, i know my son would love it if other teens were there. (he never goes to anything, but said he wanted to) good luck to you, feel free to pm or email too.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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hey!<br><br>
i just stumbled across this board and noticed i am even mentioned! hi embers, and tina, and a few others i know....<br><br>
yes, embers, of course corina and oscar (now 9!) would love a group hang out thing, as would i....<br><br>
as for preteen/teen stuff, i have said it before and i will say it again, the social stuff for teen / preteen girls is HUGE. it impacts everything. all the time. tremendously. painfully. probably for boys too, i just don't know about them (yet).<br><br>
when my daughter was struggling/miserable socially at school last year - it affected everything.<br><br>
the other thing that really really really makes a difference is the concept of "collecting" your kids. at any age, but boy, for teens, soooooo important when the tug of peer orientation is a constant pressure/force.<br><br>
if you haven't read "hold onto your kids" or seen the dvd, i highly recommend it!<br><br>
taking away privaledges, or punishments of any kinds (or rewards) *undermines* the connection between us and our children, just when we need it to be strongest. if we want our kids to model themselves after our values they need to feel connected to us. if we want our kids to make good choices, they need to be making them for the right reason, otherwise, if they are making them only out of fear of punishment or reprisal, then when no threat is looming, they will not be making those "right" choice anymore....<br><br>
i find it very helpful to think about what i want my children's *reasons* to be for doing or not doing things, rather than just what i want them to do or not do.<br><br>
if a teen is lashing out at others painfully, then they are in pain. compassion and connection will fill that void much more completely and meaningfully than rebuke and punishment. i know that preteen/teen "attitude" is really hard to stomach sometimes - i too have a hard time with it sometimes (ok, frequently) ;-) but they are still children - and even if they weren't - adults who act like that need compassion and empathy too!<br><br><br>
in support,<br><br>
Lyla
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lylawolf</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9055353"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">hey!<br><br>
i just stumbled across this board and noticed i am even mentioned! hi embers, and tina, and a few others i know....<br><br>
yes, embers, of course corina and oscar (now 9!) would love a group hang out thing, as would i....<br><br>
as for preteen/teen stuff, i have said it before and i will say it again, the social stuff for teen / preteen girls is HUGE. it impacts everything. all the time. tremendously. painfully. probably for boys too, i just don't know about them (yet).<br><br>
when my daughter was struggling/miserable socially at school last year - it affected everything.<br><br>
the other thing that really really really makes a difference is the concept of "collecting" your kids. at any age, but boy, for teens, soooooo important when the tug of peer orientation is a constant pressure/force.<br><br>
if you haven't read "hold onto your kids" or seen the dvd, i highly recommend it!<br><br>
taking away privaledges, or punishments of any kinds (or rewards) *undermines* the connection between us and our children, just when we need it to be strongest. if we want our kids to model themselves after our values they need to feel connected to us. if we want our kids to make good choices, they need to be making them for the right reason, otherwise, if they are making them only out of fear of punishment or reprisal, then when no threat is looming, they will not be making those "right" choice anymore....<br><br>
i find it very helpful to think about what i want my children's *reasons* to be for doing or not doing things, rather than just what i want them to do or not do.<br><br>
if a teen is lashing out at others painfully, then they are in pain. compassion and connection will fill that void much more completely and meaningfully than rebuke and punishment. i know that preteen/teen "attitude" is really hard to stomach sometimes - i too have a hard time with it sometimes (ok, frequently) ;-) but they are still children - and even if they weren't - adults who act like that need compassion and empathy too!<br><br><br>
in support,<br><br>
Lyla</div>
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You are very wise.
 
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