[charleymurrayyoung]

We've recently started watching two other kids part time. My daughter is, as expected, having a hard time sharing her toys, space, and mom. We talk about how when the other kids come over, mommy will pick up, hug, and play with them too. And that we have to share our toys and books.

When she gets frustrated, whether it's because she wants a toy someone has or they are simply in her space, she pushes or tries to hit/scratch them in the face. I intercept 99% of the attempts and I tell her that hitting hurts. I also tell her that if she's frustrated she needs to use her words or find something else to play with. It's a natural reaction to see her about to hit and say, "No" in a loud voice. I'm not sure if this is right. I don't want to frighten the other children too, but I need my daughter to not hit.

If she has hurt them, I ask her to say that she's sorry and give them a hug. If she refuses, I give them a hug for her and tell them I'm sorry that she hurt them. As of lately, she has given very little sorries and hugs. I don't know what to do.

I'm also worried that by focusing on my daughter's aggressive behavior, she'll become more aggressive. Yikes. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[babsbob]

Sounds like you are doing all you can do. It is normal for children this age to be aggressive in their communications until they learn to speak better and start to control impulses. And she may be jealous for a while with the other kids. So all you can do is just hover and give her words for how to ask for a toy or for some mommy attention. She is really young to use these words on her own but the more she hears you say them the faster she will pick it up.

Courage!

 

[averlee]

Maybe I'm crazy, but I suggest you stop watching other kids. This is violating the sacred relationship between you and your daughter. Let her be around other kids on her own terms.

 

[notwonamesalike]

Quote:

Originally Posted by averlee Maybe I'm crazy, but I suggest you stop watching other kids. This is violating the sacred relationship between you and your daughter. Let her be around other kids on her own terms.

That might be easier said than done. We don't know the circumstances under which the OP decided to start watching other children. Financial, familial obligation etc.

And sacred trust or not - children can learn to be around others - including those their own age.

And to the OP - sorry - I've got to think about your situation a bit before I offer any advice. We've had really bad day here today - and thinking outside the box isn't my strong point at this very moment.

 

[Vortexing]

We had this situation before and oddly enough, are seeing something similar again now with more 18 mths olds we know!! It's just often part of the territory, but this is what we've learned, for whatever that's worth.

At that age, our DD and the little one that she shared a sitter with a few hours a week, really couldn't express themselves in many ways. Nor does impulse control or even emotional control really kick in until later (and then even it's gradual, and as an adult I'm not always great with it, I admit

). So basically, what we did and what the sitter did was actually to remove the agressor, tell her that wasn't nice, and then attend to the victim. The aggressor then learned by seeing the reaction of the child and the direction of your attentions that that particular way of expressing oneself doesn't achieve the desired response/result.

After my DD (always the victim, and it was biting, and she'd get SOOOO upset), would calm down, the sitter would go back to the agressor and talk to her a bit about her, about what she was feelign before she bit (or pushed, or whatever). That she understood taht sometimes XXX makes you feel XXX (frustrated/angry/sad, etc), but that maybe she could do something else to express herself (not always verbal, but something that might work for her developmental stage).

So stop the mistake, briefly explain why, comfort the victim, then help the aggressor learn the tools to deal with whatever was bothering her at the time.

I don't believe that 18 mth olds really have jealousy like we experience jealousy - it's just too complicated. But I do think that on a more basic level, the presence of other children may "bother" your kiddo possibly in part b/c your attention is split, possibly b/c of something else, and thus make her world a little off. Then once she wants some toy, etc, she just loses it. It IS possible to have that many children of that age together in one room - and I do believe too that it can be a very valuable learning experience for them (it was for my DD and her friend, who eventually stopped biting). You said it was part time, which is good (I don't think LOTS of time in this scenario is natural or great for anyone), and I'm sure you'll find what works and everything will be great. It might just be a slightly bumpy road - it's a bumpy time in kids' lives anyway.

Good luck!

 

[readytobedone]

Quote:

Originally Posted by averlee Maybe I'm crazy, but I suggest you stop watching other kids. This is violating the sacred relationship between you and your daughter. Let her be around other kids on her own terms.

:

what?

just curious, if the OP had another child, how would that be different? her DD would still have to learn to share with the new baby and would have to learn to manage her jealous feelings.