[mooliette]

Are there any mama's here experienced in holding a 1st grader back due to maturity issues which is getting in the way with his academic performance? I'm having a real hard time with this issue

We had an appointment with Alex's 1st grade teacher and his title 1 advisor.

His teacher is recommending that we have Alex repeat 1st grade. He's been active in the Title 1 program since the start of Kindergarten and every comment about his performance is about his young age, and immaturity. His teacher believes he's about 6 months behind his peers in the maturity level, but right on key with his social interactions with them. Basically he act's a bit goofy and is considered a class clown, wants to make everyone laugh all the time.

He gets distracted easily, and can even be self-distracting. Which is getting in the way of his performance. He's able to write down a simple 2-part question/answer but when it comes to a multiple part question, he gets lost on step 3. However, he's able to verbally communicate the answer with his teacher the correct answer. He distracts himself and his peers in gym, music and art. The only class he seems to concentrate most in is Computer Class.

:

He's struggled in reading, and has been part of a reading recovery program for the past 9 weeks and has 3 weeks left. He has gone from reading a level 1 to level 9 in just those 9 weeks. Major progress!!

His teacher's would like to see a typical 1st grader at level 16 to feel comfortable with them going to 2nd grade. And they explained how much work 2nd grade will be, and they don't want him to become stressed over the hard work and begin to resent/hate school.

He's showing major signs of school stress, has a need to try and make everything perfect and when his work doesn't come out just as he intended he becomes frustrated with himself.

These are just a few things on what is going on. His teacher has indicated it's because of his age; he's just immature and childish. And feels he would benefit more by repeating the first grade.

His teachers and the staff do not think he has ADD or ADHD or even a learning disability. That awful "young" word just keeps coming out.

If it was the case of just academics, I'd pass through burning hoops to get him to the level he needs to be to go into 2nd grade with his peers he's known to love. I just don't know what I can do to make him mature? Any ideas there?

I feel so bad, because he has some really cool buddies and I'm worried about the social side of him being retained.

I completely broke down I'm so embarrassed. I cried and sobbed in front of Alex's teachers. What more could I have done? I ensure all homework is complete on time, participate as much as I can in school activities, I keep in close contact with his teacher.

I feel like such a failure

DH is pissed at me, and will make cheep shots at me for "giving up" on Alex, and has for the past few months just ignored helping Alex with homework. I work with him for 2 hours every night, sometimes it's a battle just to finish, and sometimes I need help, helping him. He's missed out on so much free time after school because of homework that he should have finished up in class.

I'm just so drained, and so isn't Alex at this point. The school has offered a summer tutor that will go to his summer care school 3 times a week because she feels so strongly about his progress in reading and writing.

I read some of the previous threads about this same issue, they made me cry and feel like more of a failure.

Any thoughts, ideas, hints mamas? We will continue to keep in contact with his teacher through out the summer, we have an option to change our minds until' August, but I don't see what a few months is going to do for his maturity.

 

[alegna]

Is homeschooling for a year or so an option? I have never known a child to be held back and not damaged by it -it's often subtle, but even in high school, they'd say, I'm a junior but I was held back in 1st grade.

take care

-Angela

 

[mooliette]

Thanks for responding Angela, homeschooling is not an option for our family, DH and I both work full time and would not make it financially if only one of us worked.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna Is homeschooling for a year or so an option? I have never known a child to be held back and not damaged by it -it's often subtle, but even in high school, they'd say, I'm a junior but I was held back in 1st grade. take care -Angela

 

[Aura_Kitten]

well how much younger is he than his classmates?

 

[mooliette]

We've talked with Alex a lot about what could possibly occur next year. We asked him what he wanted to do and said he wanted to be with his friends. I explained to him he will still get to see his friends at recess and lunch, also planned playdates and went on saying he will meet new friends next year as well. Also, his best buddy goes to his summer care school as well as after school care.

We live in a small community, 1 primary school, 1 middle school and 1 high school. I don't think we could afford to send him to another school in a different town. I will however ask his teacher about that option.

Do you not think that having a different teacher teaching the same curriculum but a different approach will benefit him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by boongirl As a former first grade teacher, I can tell you this is a valid issue. As a mom, I can understand your sadness. We all want our children to succeed and be successful and not have to struggle too much at it. I would say that the teacher's are probably on the right page with this one. They have experience with him in the classroom. My only concern would be that he will be in first grade again with his peers in second grade. The school district should make arrangements for him to go try another school. I've seen this done with success. The child gets a fresh start. It is not uncommon for boys to be a little less mature at this age than girls and to have a hard time. There is new research about how stressful school is today for boys, especially with all the academics they have to do instead of the more fun stuff like singing and dancing and art. First grade today is a lot like second grade was for you. Some kids just are not ready for it. Another year of first grade may help boost his confidence as well as his grades. Especially if it is at a different campus, then he will have a truly fresh start.

 

[BusyMommy]

As a teacher also, I agree w/Boongirl's post.

Tough issue--I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[mooliette]

He's the youngest by 4 months. And is the smallest child in his class.

Quote:

Originally Posted by klothos well how much younger is he than his classmates?

 

[mooliette]

I just feel like an idiot for not asking 2 years ago our options. Had I known then that I could hold him out of kindergarten a year longer, I probably would have. We didn't know that was an option, nor did we know what long term affects could lead to. The thought that "girls mature faster than boys" didn't even enter our minds when we were signing him up for kindergarten. We we're just excited and thought it was what we were suppose to do.

 

[alegna]

Wow, that's a really small town. I would really worry in that setting either way. You put him in 2nd everyone will know he's the "slow one" or the "silly one" or whatever. You hold him back all his classmates will know- forever. 4 months younger is a lot though. Is there a private school?

sorry I don't have more great ideas

-Angela

 

[Aura_Kitten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna 4 months younger is a lot though.

see, the thing that bothers me is that it really *isn't* that much, in the Real World.

it seems like (and forgive me if i'm Way Off Base here) that because he is so outgoing and charismatic, he is being punished. he has a great personality and he sounds like he has a ton of potential, but it's being wasted because he's being confined to do all that homework and make up his "maturity" level.

i would say, if there is any way you can pull him out and homeschool him awhile, that would probably do him a world of good. BUT i understand that there are times when that really *isn't* possible ~ in which case, maybe you could schedule times when he could play with the friends he has already made and have him repeat first grade? like, not even worry about making up the work at night and over the summer, just hold him back and see where it goes...?

i think you really hit a huge nail on the head when you mentioned how you felt about his free time being squandered over all that homework ~ kids NEED that time to think and play and have time to imagine and dream.

s

whatever you do, remember neither you nor your son are failures! that is such a huge, dirty word to assign to this situation. nobody has failed. it's ok to be different, and you ought to spend some time reassuring him that it is perfectly ok to be exactly who he is.

 

[mooliette]

Thank you I have and will continue to guide him gently through this process, and let him know either way he will succeed. Please know I do not feel one bit of disappointment or think that Alex is a failure, he's so much more that I could every ask for

I want my boy to have fun, enjoy learning and life at his pace for now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by klothos see, the thing that bothers me is that it really *isn't* that much, in the Real World. it seems like (and forgive me if i'm Way Off Base here) that because he is so outgoing and charismatic, he is being punished. he has a great personality and he sounds like he has a ton of potential, but it's being wasted because he's being confined to do all that homework and make up his "maturity" level. i would say, if there is any way you can pull him out and homeschool him awhile, that would probably do him a world of good. BUT i understand that there are times when that really *isn't* possible ~ in which case, maybe you could schedule times when he could play with the friends he has already made and have him repeat first grade? like, not even worry about making up the work at night and over the summer, just hold him back and see where it goes...? i think you really hit a huge nail on the head when you mentioned how you felt about his free time being squandered over all that homework ~ kids NEED that time to think and play and have time to imagine and dream. s whatever you do, remember neither you nor your son are failures! that is such a huge, dirty word to assign to this situation. nobody has failed. it's ok to be different, and you ought to spend some time reassuring him that it is perfectly ok to be exactly who he is.

 

[Houdini]

As far as the maturity issue. There is nothing you can do to make him more mature, that will come with time. My son is the same way as far has answering questions. He is much better at verbally answering than going through the questions on paper. In your son's case his class clown persona could be to cover his frustration and difficulty with the material. The public school my crew went to (we now homeschool) had a fairly big difference between first and second grades. My older two went from straight A's in first to A's, B's, and a C here and there for second. They are advanced for their reading, so the issue was a change in what they were doing. Good luck with your decision. I think if the child understands why they are staying a grade behind then I don't know if the issue will always be they were held back in first grade. My little brother was held back and never cared either way. I do think you need to make the decision that will best benefit your son and not base it so much on what he wants to do. What child would want to see their friends move on without them. Maybe you can set up playdates with his classmates if he does stay back. We are doing this with our kids friends b/c they were worried about not seeing them anymore now that we are homeschooling. Good Luck.

 

[TiredX2]

I generally am very against retention for the obvious negative side effects (self esteem primarily).

It sounds, though, in this case that your DS would really do better repeating 1st grade. You mention he is the youngest by 4 months in his current class--- by how far would he be the oldest if he was retained? I would present it that *you* (& DH) made a mistake--- he "should" have been in the class behind him with kids closer to his age and closer to his size, but you got him in the wrong class. Then, since it is a small community, ask the kindergarten teacher if you can have some contact information for kids who will be in his class next year and set up some play dates.

I would do absolutely NO academics over the summer. 2 hours of homework a night at that age (and really, any age before 16+) is simply too much. I really don't think it is "worth it" for you to try to cram in 1/2 of 1st grade over the summer to only start the stress over in the fall.

That said, is it *only* reading that he is behind in--- how is he doing in math, science, writing (physically & content), etc... Have you seen the "click" for reading for him yet or is he still laborously sounding out each word? Once the "click" occurs kids often just zoom up, but until they really get it it can be hard going.

Good luck!

 

[Rhonwyn]

When is his birthday? Would he really be that much older than the kids in his class if were held back?

To me, given the academic push at your school (2 hours of homework a night is insane for 1st graders), I would hold him back. Tell him you made a mistake and put him in the wrong class. He will be able to deal with it if you are supportive.

Personally, I don't understand where your dh gets off for blaming you. If you both work, then he is equally responsible for helping with the school work and issues.

 

[ChristaN]

Good advice so far. I am sorry this year has been so tough on your son

. I would generally agree that the research shows that retention is not a good thing for most kids. However, there are always some children who do not follow the statistics.

My older brother & I both had bds close to the cut-off (Sept. for me & Nov. for him). In CA, where we started school, we both started at 4 going on 5. When we moved, my brother was the youngest by far. My parents did wind up retaining him in 3rd grade and it was a huge weight off his shoulders. He was just keeping up with his peers, but was a lot shorter, less mature and having a hard time in general. It was a big burden on him to keep up.

I think that the thing that really helped was that we moved to a different town the summer before he started his second 3rd grade year, so the kids didn't know that he had been retained. I know that moving or changing schools is not an option for you. I don't know how it would work being in the same school. I think that TiredX2's advice about telling him that you made a mistake in putting him in the wrong class is a very good idea. That may help take some of the feeling of "failure" off of him & help him feel like there has been a good reason that he was struggling and it wasn't just something wrong with him.

Of course, you could also wait and see if more time allows him to catch up if you are not wanting to retain him in first. I have also seen some research that shows that kids who are younger tend to be behind up until third grade when things usually level out & they catch up with their older peers. He may just need more time, but it is a hard choice to make. If you are going to hold him back a year, I don't really know if it would be better to do it now or later.

 

[mooliette]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TiredX2 I generally am very against retention for the obvious negative side effects (self esteem primarily). It sounds, though, in this case that your DS would really do better repeating 1st grade. You mention he is the youngest by 4 months in his current class--- by how far would he be the oldest if he was retained? I would present it that *you* (& DH) made a mistake--- he "should" have been in the class behind him with kids closer to his age and closer to his size, but you got him in the wrong class. Then, since it is a small community, ask the kindergarten teacher if you can have some contact information for kids who will be in his class next year and set up some play dates. Alex will be 4 to 5 months older than some of his new coming peers. I've talked with the school social councilor yesterday and she said that most of his peers will be in the same age group. There are 4 children in his class that are more than 4 months younger than he is. I would do absolutely NO academics over the summer. 2 hours of homework a night at that age (and really, any age before 16+) is simply too much. I really don't think it is "worth it" for you to try to cram in 1/2 of 1st grade over the summer to only start the stress over in the fall. The only think we've committed to is reading every night, but we've always done that That said, is it *only* reading that he is behind in--- how is he doing in math, science, writing (physically & content), etc... Have you seen the "click" for reading for him yet or is he still laborously sounding out each word? Once the "click" occurs kids often just zoom up, but until they really get it it can be hard going. He's a bit above average in math, get's confused on 3 or more part questions, has adding and subtraction down. It appears that he's just getting to that "click" think you talk of, he continues to amaze me daily! Good luck!

That said, ladies I appreciate your suggestions and comments. DH and I made the decision today to retain him. We've met with his new teacher and absolutly adore her. We've been having ongoing talks with Alex over the past 2 months. We've included him in our decision making and everyone feels he'll continue to succeed educationally. I took Tiredx2's advise and explained to him of our mistake. He said he understands and that everyone makes mistakes

I met two mama's with 1st graders on the playground yesterday, one of them also has an incomming kindergartener just like me. We've exchanged numbers and will do our best to get together over the summer. Also, they will all share the bus ride to and from school

I'm really looking forward to this upcoming school year.

: Wish me luck with a 1st grader and a kindergartener

 

[Rhonwyn]

Good luck! I hope everything works out!

 

[TiredX2]

Good luck!!!

I'm so glad you found a solution you all feel comfortable with.

 

[MrsMoe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mooliette I feel like such a failure DH is pissed at me, and will make cheep shots at me for "giving up" on Alex, and has for the past few months just ignored helping Alex with homework.

Why would you allow a person to treat you in this manner? Would you allow the man next door to speak you this way? No, of course not. And your husband owes you a lot more respect than a stranger.

Don't be hard on yourself. You are a good mommy, don't forget that, and don't feel guilty.

 

[applejuice]

As a teacher, I would not recommend retention unless the child was clearly having problems with learning to read. Before recommending this, I would have the aide work diligently with him/her to be sure.

I personally do not believe any child should leave first grade unless they can read at grade level and are on secure footing in their reading ability. First Grade is where all of these skills are taught, and the student cannot go on and should not be promoted until these skills are solid.

As for maturity, he can blossom over the summer.

If you can homeschool him and get him solid on his skills for reading and math, in that order, then do it....work with him, praise him, hire a great tutor, and get him motivated to learn...if he is easily distracted, homeschooling - the old one-on-one, will draw his attention to the learning task at hand and get him to focus much better. He probably thinks the work is too hard, so he decides to shine as the class entertainer....I am sure he is doing well at that, but there is a time and place for everything.