[each1Agift]

My husband and I have been foster parents for a year now. We have had a wonderful little boy in our home since May. It looks like we are going to get to adopt him. We have become friends with both birth Mom and Dad, and birth Grandparents. The birth Dad and his parents told us they want us to adopt him. My question is what do you call the birth parents? They will allways hold a special place with him. I don't think calling them Mom and Dad is good because he is young and that would be hard for him to understand. Having two Mom's and Dad's. Also he has the same name first and middle as my sisters little boy so we would need to change it. I don't want to upset the birth parents with that. has anyone ever been though something like this? I am glad we all get along together so well and I just don't want to hurt anyone.

Thank you for any and all help.

 

[Polliwog]

I've got an open adoption with my son's birth family and over time, he started calling his mother my her first name (way before the adoption.) Grandma and Uncle L are still Grandma and Uncle L. Not confusing at all. Some families do Mommy First Name, or Mommy/Mom, or whatever. It's whatever you guys decide. The variations are endless. It's not the names that are really important, it's the relationship.

I'm not a big fan of name changing unless there are extenuating circumstances- safety, name the same as another family member, unpronouncable name, etc. If I get to adopt my foster daughter (I'll know next week,) I'll likely adjust the spelling so it matches the way the name is pronounced (there is a huge difference and NO ONE pronounces it correctly.) What if you swapped his first and middle names (i.e Joseph Michael instead of Michael Joseph?) With my son, I just lengthened his name to the full name instead of the nickname (i.e Matthew instead of Matt.)

Lots of people, however, change kids names completely. It's more awkward if you have a really open adoption, though, but not the end of the world.

 

[RedOakMomma]

Hello!

Congratulations on the upcoming adoption! That must be such a relief!

For the Mom & Dad language...you might be surprised how many kids have two moms and two dads, and really--it doesn't create that much confusion. If you talk with him about his adoption and his family regularly, he'll just come to accept his own story. In fact,

, we talk about our dd's adoption story so much that now our 3yo ds (bio) thinks that all kids have two moms, two dads, and come home on a plane from Korea! At three, he's juuuuust starting to understand that kids join families in different way. Todd Parr's "The Family Book" is a favorite in our house.

What works for your family will be different than what works for other families, but I would suggest trying "Momma ------ (insert bio mom's name)" and "Daddy -----". You could also use different variants of the Mom/Dad names than you use for yourself...Papa, Pop, Dad, Mama...whatever works. Kids understand that there are two "Grandmas" or two "Grandpas," and that doesn't mean they value them any less or get confused.

As for the name...I would really reflect on why changing his name is important, and if it is worth it. Could you call him by a different nickname than your nephew? Changing a child's name is a big deal, and if you read adult adoptee opinions on it, it can also be very painful to have lost a birth name or have it changed. I think often when we look inward about why it's so important to us as adoptive parents, it comes down to "claiming" a child and even wanting to erase the claims of others. I think it's a really natural feeling, but with something as important as a birth name, it might be best to think of other ways to emotionally claim a child. Adding a family middle name, along with your family's last name...that kind of thing. For me, and this is just me, having a cousin with the same name isn't a big deal. Your son will have his whole adult life ahead of him, and it's doubtful he'll care if his cousin has the same name. There are multiple Davids (three on one side, two on the other) in my family, for instance, and it's not an issue.

Best of luck with all these new decisions and challenges, and I hope the adoption goes smoothly. It's a blessing that you have a good relationship with your fson's birth family. What a gift for all of you, and especially him.

 

[pixiekisses]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma (..) As for the name...I would really reflect on why changing his name is important, and if it is worth it. Could you call him by a different nickname than your nephew? Changing a child's name is a big deal, and if you read adult adoptee opinions on it, it can also be very painful to have lost a birth name or have it changed. I think often when we look inward about why it's so important to us as adoptive parents, it comes down to "claiming" a child and even wanting to erase the claims of others. I think it's a really natural feeling, but with something as important as a birth name, it might be best to think of other ways to emotionally claim a child. Adding a family middle name, along with your family's last name...that kind of thing. For me, and this is just me, having a cousin with the same name isn't a big deal. Your son will have his whole adult life ahead of him, and it's doubtful he'll care if his cousin has the same name. There are multiple Davids (three on one side, two on the other) in my family, for instance, and it's not an issue.

I totally agree, well said.
We have several with the same name in our family, and that's fine (even a niece that has the same name as her aunt, and cousins that have the same name), not an issue at all.
My friend who is also a foster mom has a bio. kid and a foster kid with the same first name and they use them on both because none of them have a middle name, but it's not a big deal.

 

[3timesamama]

Since you have a good relationship with bio parents maybe you can run it by them and see what they would feel comfortable having your son call them. My foster daughter's birthmom is my cousin and I told her I'd be totally fine with my daughter calling her mom as well but she prefers to have her call her Auntie. And in our family we always called our parents and other relatives close friends aunt and uncle so maybe that work for you too.

 

[lauren]

I wanted to note that I have seen several children really grieve for the loss of their original name. It was quite confusing and a source of additional dysregulation and pain for them, to lose their familiar, given name.

 

[queenjane]

I know several people online who have changed their older children's names, the kids were eager to do so, and actively involved in the process. Many kids who know they are getting new names refuse to answer to the old name...so its not always a negative thing or something the new parents push on the kids and the kids grieve. Sometimes it does allow the child to move on and start a new life, with a new name instead of holding onto a name given to them by their abuser (some kids are even named after their abuser.)

I changed my son's entire name. He had never been called by his birthname (other than perhaps once a month during visits but he was a newborn at the time), and it was not a name that i liked. However he will always know what his name was before we changed it (i have a copy of his birth certificate w/ the name on it, and saved every scrap of paper from the hospital and agency with his birthname on it), why it was changed, and if he ever wants me to call him by his birthname (whether temporarily as a kid or as an adult if he wants to legally change it back) i will do so.

I never thought i would change a child's name but my son's name was one that i did not like at all. I love my new foster daughter's name, it suits her, she knows it, and if i got to adopt her (not likely, the plan now is RU) i would happily keep it, though i would consider giving her a new middle name.

If the ONLY reason you would change your son's name is because another child in the family has the same name, i think i'd instead consider a derivative, or a nickname or initials or something...so if his name is Thomas James, and your nephew goes by Tommy, maybe your son could be Tom, or T.J., or Jimmy, or James, or just Thomas. Of course this is easier with some names than others! It also might be fun for them to share a name. Lots of families have dads and sons or sons and uncles with the same name (my dad is Jack, so my older brother was Jackie for years).

I dont have advice about how to tell the birthfamily or what their reaction might be. I was worried about that (though we werent really having contact w/ birthfamily at the time), recently i got an IM from the one relative who kept contact, and i just straight out told him we changed it. I'm thinking it didnt even occur to him that we *could*...he didnt say anything. So i'm not sure what he really thinks about it.

Ultimately, i think this is something that you need to decide, looking at the entire situation and the needs of your family and your child. Everyone will have an opinion, right or wrong. I was so offended when my son was nearing finalization and we went to urgent care to get a physical that was immediately required by the court...i told the nurse that his name is D. on the paper, but we've changed it to K. (didnt want her to get confused because i was calling him a different name)...she said "well you should probably consider keeping it as a middle name, so he'll know..." Grrr. Not her business. We'd been calling him his new name for about six months at that point. He WILL "always know" what his old name was, in addition to every single scrap of info i have about his life. When i have read in books about kids growing up and being scarred by having their name changed, it seems alot has to do with secrecy, with finding out when they are sixteen that they used to be "Susan" and now they are "Kate"...but i think that has way more to do with secret-keeping and the absolute damage it can do in an adopted person's life, than the actual name.

Katherine