welcome to MDC, ladybugchild77!
sagelove is right... it sometimes feels like FOREVER, but those feelings of grief do ease up eventually. you will never forget those very-much-wanted babies, but you will slowly begin to feel the pain dissolve. honest!
be kind to yourself... there are going to be up days and down days. don't let anyone try to hurry you along or force you onto some sort of artificial schedule... these are your losses and only your heart knows how long it will take to heal.
after my first m/c, i bought a beautiful butterfly ornament for my garden. now i see it everyday as i walk in and out of my home, and it makes me smile instead of tear up. it took a few years... but now i'm so glad it's there.
i didn't do anything like that for my second m/c... but i do think of both babies when i look at the butterfly.
i am currently 36 weeks along with this pregnancy... i still wonder what life would have been like if either of my other babies had been able to stay, but i try to remember that this little one probably wouldn't be here if they had.
have you read Spirit Baby? it's an excerpt from Baby Catcher, by Peggy Vincent. i know we've had it on this forum, but for some reason i cannot find it... here's a bit of it, anyway:
"Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?", and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be it's mother."
I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!"
But he could see my perplexity.
So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pergnant but something bad happens before the baby's born . . . now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?"
"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.
"But it'd be a shame for you not to have it youself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I've always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I'm talking about here, Mom."
take care and let us know how you're doing!
hugs, katje
