[jbirdbrain]

Hi all! I'm sure this is a common problem and I wanted to get some experienced input:

My friend has a 2 year old who attends the same daycare center that my son (18 months) goes to. My son is fine every morning : we have a little ritual where we hang up his coat, have a big hug, I say the same words every day (Bye-bye, honey. I love you! Have a good day!) and then he runs out to join the play. (ETA: I'm sure a lot of this is just his temperament and not because of me!)

My friend's 2 year old, however, screams, cries, grabs her knees and throws himself on the floor- every morning. She has approached me several times looking for advice and saying that she is not sure how to handle it. I personally do not think that the daycare center is the problem- its a great place and she reports that he has good days after she leaves and is usually reluctant to go home in the evening.

I have suggested consistency (saying the exact same words, doing the exact same things every morning), maybe building in a bit of together time in the morning routine...am I missing anything?

Anyone here experienced something similar? Are there any good online resources for this sort of issue?
Any ways that she can overcome this?

 

[XanaduMama]

Well, my ds was the most APd child ever--BFd until 2yo, cosleeps (still), never CIO, etc etc...and he STILL has a fit when we drop him off at the amazing sitter's each morning. He loves being there and doesn't want to come home, but has major separation anxiety and just can't deal with drop-off.

So don't judge her parenting and the kid's mental health according to these symptoms.

I agree that consistency, matter-of-factness/cheerfulness about drop-off (not apologizing, acting sympathetic etc) is a good start, but obviously I'm no expert about "curing" this sort of SA. I'm all ears if anyone else has useful ideas, though!

 

[nextcommercial]

I have a daycare, and most of them are non ap kids. Most of the non AP kids walk in, never cry, and never have any problems.

The AP kid I have cries at every drop off. But, then as soon as mom leaves, he 90% of the time stops instantly, and goes off to find his best friend.

He's been this way since birth though. If you swung him from the right to the left, he wanted to be swung from left to right. He's never content for very long. His sister was also AP, and would just come in and own the world when she was here.

More often than not, what you do with the consistancy, and "have a fun day" leaves your son feeling like he's fine. You KNOW he will have a happy day, so he has no reason to worry either.

Maybe his mom is tense, waiting for the drama that happens every day. She might be giving off that "Idunno about this" vibe, and he is acting accordingly.

If she can really try for the "I can't wait to hear how your day went!" enthusiasm, maybe he will too. Plus making drop off shorter might give him the feeling that Mom is fine with this too.

 

[meemee]

even if the mom does everything doesnt mean the child will behave perfectly like yours does.

my dd was like ur friends child. she just did not like separating. she enjoyed her dc but really didnt want to be there. she stayed there because there was no choice. in my dd's case she just wasnt ready to go to dc at 2. 3 would have been better for her.

she hated seperating from me and didnt want to spend so much time away from me. that was 4 years ago. she is 6 1/2 and things have not changed. of course by teh time seh was 3 she wasnt throwing a fit or crying but she let it be known v. clearly that she doesnt really care about dc, she hated being away from me for so long - but she was just tolerating dc because she had to. we changed 5 dcs in 4 months at 2 before seh settled at the ps'dc she did. the other inhome dcs reminded her too much of home and so she had a hard time going there.

all i could do was empathise with my dd. something else that i did was wake up with erh and snuggle in bed before we got out of bed. whenever she got lots of time with me in the monring then she was more open to happily parting from me rather than cling to me. in fact our morning wake up routine was as important as our bedtime routine.

in my dd's case consistency and all the shebang didnt work. we had a different bye bye all the time. sometimes she needed me at her dc for 15 mins sometimes 5 mins.

 

[jbirdbrain]

I think you guys are totally right in that AP'ing or not probably does not have anything to do with it. Her son does exhibit some other behaviour patterns like Dr.Sears' description but I'm not sure they are related to the seperation anxiety.

And I am not the best person to give advice since my kid is so easy (by luck, I'm sure!)

 

[PPK]

I'll give ds fruit first thing in the morning and pack him his breakfast in a baggie. This way when I drop him off (only about 30 minutes later) his mind is on food and I whip out the breakfast as I'm putting him in the room. He usually grabs the food and heads to the table without thinking twice about it. I know its just distraction, but it works fine for us.

He's usually great about going, but every so often he'll have the same moments you described.