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DS is 26 months old. I've been thinking a lot about birth lately... because I know a lot of people right now who are either pregnant or have just recently had a baby. I also consider the possibility of myself getting pregnant again (not likely since I have an IUD). A couple of weeks ago, I started having what I thought could be pregnancy symptoms and I just can't say in words how happy I was to see a minus sign on that pee stick.<br><br>
While I would like to have another child at some point in the future (a couple more years, probably... right now's not the time to be adding to our family), I am also pretty terrified about the actual idea of giving birth again. I am afraid that my body just won't be able to do it (I have a torqued pelvis and some minor scoliosis in my lumbar vertebrae, so this is a very real possibility). On the other hand, my body was unable to have a vaginal birth last time... and I know that if I never try again, that my last experience will be the only experience of birth that I ever have.... and that scares me, too, in a way.<br><br>
I started certification to be a birthing from within mentor in January of 09... and many of the exercises and the overall philosophy in the BFW program were very healing for me... but I got off track this past fall when we found out that my son needed open heart surgery... and it's taken me most of the school year (I'm a teacher) to re-adjust to normal life... I know I should get back on track with the BFW stuff, and I plan to this summer.<br><br>
In the mean time, I just needed to come and talk to some ladies who won't raise their eyebrows at me when I tell that that more than 2 years after my birth experience, I still feel a very deep sense of dissappointment, sorrow, and regret. I wish so badly that I had been able to have the peaceful home water birth that I had planned. I love my son more than anything, and I am so grateful that he was healthy and whole, but I wish that my body had been healthy/whole enough to deliver him without the help of a surgeon. I just feel so betrayed by my body... I had built up so much trust in myself and in my body that I could give birth in the way that women have been giving birth since the beginning of human history. And it wasn't for lack of determination. It was simply a problem of my physical anatomy.<br><br>
I get so jealous of and worked up about other women who have "normal" births. Especially if they went the epidural/pitocin route. WHY WHY WHY can so many women do everything in the book that increases risk of ceserean and have a perfectly happy vaginal birth? And then here I am... and I took every step in the book to make my risk for ceserean as small as it could possibly be, and yet I still have a 5 inch scar across the base of my belly? I know in my head that no one can control outcomes in birth. And I try to tell myself that I had the birth experience that I needed (for whatever reason)... I try to tell myself "I did everything I could." But the wounds are still there... and I'm often surprised to find out how deep they still are.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>shanniesue2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15386662"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">In the mean time, I just needed to come and talk to some ladies who won't raise their eyebrows at me when I tell that that more than 2 years after my birth experience, I still feel a very deep sense of dissappointment, sorrow, and regret. I wish so badly that I had been able to have the peaceful home water birth that I had planned. I love my son more than anything, and I am so grateful that he was healthy and whole, but I wish that my body had been healthy/whole enough to deliver him without the help of a surgeon. I just feel so betrayed by my body... I had built up so much trust in myself and in my body that I could give birth in the way that women have been giving birth since the beginning of human history. And it wasn't for lack of determination. It was simply a problem of my physical anatomy.<br><br>
I get so jealous of and worked up about other women who have "normal" births. Especially if they went the epidural/pitocin route. WHY WHY WHY can so many women do everything in the book that increases risk of ceserean and have a perfectly happy vaginal birth? And then here I am... and I took every step in the book to make my risk for ceserean as small as it could possibly be, and yet I still have a 5 inch scar across the base of my belly? I know in my head that no one can control outcomes in birth. And I try to tell myself that I had the birth experience that I needed (for whatever reason)... I try to tell myself "I did everything I could." But the wounds are still there... and I'm often surprised to find out how deep they still are.</div>
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I just wanted to respond and say that you're not alone in your feelings. Everything you've said here is something I can say about my own experience. My DD is now 19 months old, and I'm still processing the the whole thing. I go through periods when I don't think about it that much, and then other times when I'm sort of obsessed. I also have several friends who are pregnant (interestingly, all of them could potentially have their babies on my daughter's birthday!), and so I'm back in one of those "obsessive" phases.<br><br>
I don't have a lot of advice to offer other than to say "you're not alone."<br><br>
I started a thread in Birth & Beyond called "humbling beginnings" that you might find healing. It's stories from a number of women with a variety of birth experiences that were humbling in some way. Many of them are stories from women whose "dream plan" did not pan out. I have found it helpful to read those stories and to realize that I'm not the only one whose birth journey got off track.<br><br>
I wish you well on your healing journey.
 

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I also want to reply and say that you are not alone. It has happened to so many women, and there are many that have discussed their stories on MDC. Even some of the women who did manage to have a vaginal birth still had very traumatic experiences, for one reason or another. I know it is no consolation, but remember that the WHO recognizes that C-section IS necessary 8-10 percent of the time. Also, remember that childbirth can be dangerous and was a major cause of female mortality in even our grandparents' generation. Babies are made to grow until their heads (with huge brains compared to other species) can't grow anymore and they have to come out to finish developing on the outside. Sometimes, the passage is just not quite right for them. As devastating as it is when you are taught that birth is normal and natural and women have been doing it for centuries, you have to keep in mind that it was NOT YOUR FAULT and sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. I sometimes feel that the birthing philosophies that say you can do it, all women can do it, set us up for failure, because sometimes, in some cases, it's just not true. Thank goodness we have the medical technology to deal with these cases and can still have good outcomes for mom and baby.<br><br>
Best wishes for your healing.
 
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