[lindsayjean]

My DD will be 2 yr 5 months when this baby comes. I don't have anyone that I am really comfortable with coming to our home to watch her while I birth, nor the money to hire a child doula. My family all lives close but they are unsupportive of homebirth (or do not know for that reason)- so my mom said she would have DD at her home, but not at ours (and I didn't invite her to, I do n't need ANYONE against homebirth at mine!!!).

BUT I'd really like for nobody to even know I'm in labor until afterwards, plus I think it might be a good experience for DD to be there.

I'm hoping I'll go through the tough stuff while she's sleeping so she can just wake up and meet her new sibling, but I'm wondering if I happen to go through all of it when she's awake if it would be too much-- if we have nobody specifically watching her. I remember last time (pitocin induced hospital birth though... so I can't really compare!) I wanted my DH by my side at ALL times, he wasn't allowed to leave me even to put on the music I wanted.

But in the hospital if DH wasn't there there was nobody to support me. Do midwives or apprentices ever take on sort of a doula role? I know the MW apprentice's other job is a doula... but I don't want to assume I guess since I've never had a homebirth.

My midwife said kids DD's age usually do really good at homebirths and she didn't seem to think it would be an issue, but she is totally laid back about whatever I want (which is why I love her totally and completely, but I'm not sure if she'd ever say... no I think you need to do THIS)

I just don't know! I hope I just give birth at night so I don't have to worry about DD!

She is not a very sensitive child to my pain. In early pregnancy she would stand right next to me as I projectile vomited into the toilet and say "Yay mommy, you're puking!!" and clap for me. LOL. So I feel like she would do okay with a birth.

I guess this is a completely scatterbrained post, but I'd love to hear your experiences, suggestions, plans for your birth, etc.

THANK YOU!

 

[jitterBug mom]

I'm in a similar position, I have a 22 month old boy and am due next month.

I will have 2 midwives present (they work as a team) and my DH. Their recommendation was to have someone supportive around to watch the child. If I'm birthing is the middle of the night, they said he might need comforting if he wakes up. If it is during the day, he might just get bored or wonder why he wasn't getting more attention. They did not think it was a scary thing for young children but more of an issue of keeping the child entertained, fed, etc. And really, that role would fall on my DH if no one else was around, because our DS would not necessarily be comfortable with the midwives putting him to bed even though he has met them (he is on the shy side)...and they made it pretty clear they wouldn't do anything like that anyway (I didn't ask- they brought it up) The people I know who would be most helpful are a couple hours away, so I'm not sure how fast they can get to me, but they are going to try to come.

That being said, I've heard of other women birthing with their toddlers around, even doing UC. Hopefully some people who have been through this can chime in!

 

[nashvillemidwife]

As a midwife, I can tell you that I am not a baby sitter, and neither is my assistant. So if there's no one else present that just leaves your husband, and you say you don't want him to leave your side. It sounds like you're going to have to compromise some on your plan.

 

[ShwarmaQueen]

A very close friend of mine was just in this situation (her DD is 2 yr 3 mos). Her child was TERRIFIED at the noises her mother was making and was freaking out each time a contraction would start. She originally planned on her DD being there, but seeing how it was affecting her DD (seeing her mom in obvious distress), she had her sister/mom come pick her up. Personally, I would have a babysitter lined up (I will do the same for my almost 5 yo DD)!

 

[Miasmamma]

I was planning on it being just us and our MW, but my mom offered to come and be with DD just in case. The more I thought about it the more I realized that she does need someone to focus just on her needs. I will do what I can in early labor, but once things get more intense she'll need my mom there. DH will be focused on me so he's not an option.

 

[lindsayjean]

well my backup plan is of course to call someone to come pick her up- I would NOT EVER expect a midwife or assistant to do any childcare duties WHATSOEVER.. but I was wondering if they did any doula type roles in case my husband had to run and do something with DD.

 

[ursusarctos]

FWIW, I was 2 when my mom had a homebirth with my brother. I hear that I played quietly in my room by myself, though I did get to cut the cord. I don't think I really got what was going on, just that I needed to entertain myself because my parents were busy. If I were in your situation, I might see how my kid was doing and if it seemed she needed extra attention or was disturbed by your noises then I would call someone to come pick her up.

 

[Overthemoon]

I'm big into preparing my dc for what I might do and what they might see. When I had my ds both my girls went to all doctor check ups, watched birthing shows and we read a book together which showed 3d/4d ultrasound pictures of how the baby was growing and we took them to a 3d/4d ultrasound as well as the 2d ones. We really wanted them to share in all they could and not be scared should they have to be at the hospital with dh and I. I had hoped my brother might be able to watch them for the birth but he had to work. It ended up working out great. We had packed them some toys, set them up with movies and snacks by the window in my hospital room and then they began inducing me. The girls did great. They were 2 and 4 at the time.

Fast forward to now, this is my first homebirth, and my MW did say that it's better if I have someone here to help with ds who is 2.5. He gets a bit cranky and clingy when she is here for my check ups. So hopefully my brother will be able to come out and stay for any just in case moments when ds might need something or even to help with my dd's as far as keeping them company though they are pretty good about entertaining themselves. Worst case, if he's not here, my dh will just have to take care of ds. I have also again done the prep with the kids. My girls have colored a homebirth coloring book, and all 3 dc have watched some tasteful homebirth videos with me online and we again read the ultrasound book, have the kids sit in for all check ups, heartbeat and ultrasounds. I just wanted my ds especially to know that I might act a certain way before it happens.

Good luck to you!

 

[mysticmomma]

My midwife specifically requested we have someone especially for the older kids.

 

[nashvillemidwife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lindsayjean well my backup plan is of course to call someone to come pick her up- I would NOT EVER expect a midwife or assistant to do any childcare duties WHATSOEVER.. but I was wondering if they did any doula type roles in case my husband had to run and do something with DD.

The way I see it, my assistant is there to assist me with my needs. If that includes providing labor support for the client, then she's a doula. But when it comes time for the delivery, I expect her there by my side.

I didn't mean to sound harsh. I just specifically recall one very stressful delivery with a 4 year old pulling stuff out of my bag asking "what's this for?" and pushing resuscitation equipment out of the way to be near Mommy. Every since I've been very leery.

I bring my own baby to births, but I also bring an assistant to care for her.

 

[mysticmomma]

nashville, you and your assistants don't provide labor support to a laboring mom?

 

[~Katie~]

My situation is a little different. My DH will be gone for the birth and all of our family is at least a 14 hour drive away, so no family to rely on. My MW has daughters or extra assistants who can assist with childcare during labor and birth, so that part was figured out for me way ahead of time. I would ask her if she knows of someone who is comfortable being around birth and can focus their attention on your DD. In my case, my MW was more than happy to provide additional assistants who also work as doulas and can assist with children. This seems to be an issue that comes up a lot so I'm sure its one she has experience with.

 

[nashvillemidwife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mysticmomma nashville, you and your assistants don't provide labor support to a laboring mom?

Labor support, yes. I think I stated that. But when it comes time to catch the baby someone else needs to be available to hold the mom's hand, because the assistant's job is to assist me with the delivery.

 

[lindsayjean]

anyone else have any experiences with their toddler being at their birth without additional assistance? I have a pretty easy going toddler, but obviously we have a backup plan of going to grandma's house. I feel bad asking the MW for additional assistants since I am getting a reduced rate based on low income anyway.

 

[sunflowergirll]

No personal experience yet, though I might let you know in a few weeks

DD is 2.5 years. We have a friend lives locally who may be able to come over. But she works PT and has her kids PT, so she may not be able to come. We arranged for my MIL to come too, but she lives 5 hours away.

So, DH might be taking care of DD while I labor with midwives. Hopefully movies will keep her occupied for a lot of it.

We will make do, I suppose.

 

[BethandLC]

I have a 2 year old dd who will be 27 months old at the time I am due. I retained my doula first, who actually is the apprentice of the midwife I decided to use. My MW will also have her other apprentice there as well. Even with that and DH I have asked my mom to come and be dd's support person. Her "job" as we've discussed it is to make sure dd has as normal as possible day. I think you would be best served to have somone there as a support person for your dd - do you have a friend who can do that for you?

 

[Peony]

I'm not planning on having anyone else for my 6y and 2.5y, but I also don't need labor support and prefer to be alone anyway. DH is in charge of the kids, I have my mom that I can call if he needs more help with them. If I needed DH with me then I'd plan on having another set of hands to help out. My MW doesn't care what we do since it's a loose arrangement as is.

 

[redpajama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lindsayjean anyone else have any experiences with their toddler being at their birth without additional assistance? I have a pretty easy going toddler, but obviously we have a backup plan of going to grandma's house. I feel bad asking the MW for additional assistants since I am getting a reduced rate based on low income anyway.

I just posted a rather lengthy response to, essentially, the same question my August DDC, here's what I said, in a nutshell (I'm an apprentice midwife expecting my third child, by the way--my other two will be 4.5 and 2.75 when the baby is due):

I won't have my kids present at the birth (if it's night time, I won't wake them to have them leave, but if I were in labor at bed time, I would probably let them stay at my parents' house, and if it is day time, I will arrange for them to be with family--probably my parents or my sister). I totally get wanting to have them there, but I just don't think it's practical or really beneficial for anyone--including (and perhaps *especially*) them. If they were older, I would feel totally different. But at 2 and 4, I think everyone will be better off if they're not there.

That said, if I *did* decide to have them there, I would absolutely have someone there whose *only* responsibility was to take care of them and to make sure they were safe, physically cared for, emotionally watched over (if they looked terrified, for example, I would want someone there who would notice and either explain things to them or distract them or take them out of the room/house), and that they weren't getting in the way (distracting me, rummaging through the midwife's birth bag, whatever).

I wrote about this in my other post, but I was recently at a birth where the couple's 2-year-old didn't have anyone there, and the mom ended up having a postpartum hemorrhage that eventually warranted transport. It was a distraction having the two-year-old (who kept wandering out the back door of the house, in to the unfenced yard) there at a time when, really, all attention needed to be focussed on his mother. When we eventually decided to transport, someone was called to come be with him--but had our transport been any more emergent, she may not have arrived in time for his dad to leave with his mom.

I think having siblings at the birth is a fine personal choice to make, but I think that not having anyone there to watch them is unfair to everyone--yourself, your midwife, your kids.

My personal opinion, of course.

 

[thismama]

Definitely get childcare IMO. My 4.5 year old's constant chattering drove me crazy in labour, and I was glad her father was able to take her far far away. LOL! She came back to see her sister born, but I couldn't deal with her in labour. IMO you need an arrangement, for sure.

 

[MamaQuest]

I seem to have a bit of a different perspective on this than most of you ladies. I'd say it depends entirely on the child. I had a great experience last time, with my young children just down the hall playing happily while I gave birth. They had no one there specifically for them. My husband would go in and "update" them on progress every half hour. It would take him all of about a minute to do that, and then he was back by my side. He didn't miss a single contraction the entire time. My kids were great, and very excited to hear me "sound like a cow" because that meant their brother was almost here.

So, all that to say, it depends greatly on the child, and your willingness to let your husband go if necessary.