[ashley219]

Hi, This is a little strange for me. I am not actually a mom. I am 22 years old and I am and have always been very close with my parents. I have never been in trouble and I do well in school and have a full time job. I am currently in a bind and feeling torn and I wanted some input...
I have been in a relationship for 2 years. My parents know him and like him. We just won a free cruise for 4 days and I am not allowed to go because my parents are afraid I'll sleep with him on the trip. I really want to go and am at my wits end as far as trying to explain to them that I think they should trust me at this point to make my own decisions. I have tried to find other people to come on the trip with us so it wouldnt be so much of a "romantic getaway" ,as they call it, but it's not looking like others have the money to go. I don't want to disrespect my parents but I don't want to miss out on my own life experiences either. I would just like to know what some other moms think to get some perspective on the subject and honest feedback. please help!!!
Ashley

 

[moonpie's_mama]

i'm only 2 years older than you, and i have a 14-month-old daughter. i'm imagining if she came to me in 20 years and asked to go on a cruise with her boyfriend... and i know i would balk at first. but then it would totally depend on my relationship with her at that point, and whether i really felt like she could handle it.

you didn't say whether you do intend on sleeping with him on the cruise or not.

if you are, you should be up front with your parents, and let them know you fully intend to use protection. that might ease their minds a teeny bit.

above all, in 20 years, i want my daughter to talk to me, to tell me whatever is on her mind. i hope that you have that kind of relationship with your parents, and that you can talk to them openly. good luck! and if you do get to go, have fun.

 

[angelpie545]

Well, you are 22 years old; that decision is not for your parents to make, it's yours. Legally, once you are 18 years old, your parents have no legal right to tell you what to do, and they cannot legally prevent you from doing anything. I am two years older than you and I have two children, the first I had at 18 the second at 21. My parents told me not to do lots of stuff, I pretty much let them say their piece, told them that I respected their feelings but that I was going to do my own thing. You can respect your parents without doing everything they tell you too. My mom and I are very close, although our lifestyles vary differently. Your parent's concern seems to encircle around premaritial sex, which is something my mother is very against, and forbid me too, as well. That's fine I respected that until about a year before I turned 18(the age of sexual consent is 16 in Washington) but after that I made my own choices. My parents didn't like it of course, but they learned to respect my own decisions that I made for myself, rigfht or wrong.

You are old enough to stand up to your parents, and kindly but fimly tell them you are going, and that although you understand and appreciate their concern for you, the decision to or not to sleep with your boyfriend is one that you will have to make for yourself, and not one that they can make for you. Best of luck and I hope all goes well for you.

 

[alegna]

I don't understand why you think your parents can give or deny permission. Do you live with them? If so, why? Are you willing to move out? Do they support you financially? If you don't live with them and they don't pay your living expenses, then it's totally your call.

-Angela

 

[kirei]

I am confused over why you say you are not "allowed" to go. You are 22 years old -- so am I. My mother has not had a say in anything that I do for the past 4 years. I have an 18 month old daughter and I rent my own home on the other side of the United States. It's too bad that your mother does not agree with your decision, but why should that affect what you decide? You are "allowed" to make your own decisions. You're 22.

Do you still live with your parents? If so, I can see where they would try to step in -- but regardless, you're still old enough to do what you will. Maybe its time to have a talk with them about the fact that you are an adult, and have been for a long time.

 

[sweetangelbrynlie]

Im confused too. Your over 18, you can do what you want even sleep with the guy if you want, I mean your parents have no say now. Is it that your still living with them and their helping you out and you dread going against what they want?

 

[ashley219]

I am still living with them and they pay for school. I do agree with everything that everyone is saying and I know this makes me sound crazy that I have to ASK permission. I know I could just go but I am trying to figure out a way to go without ruining my relationship with my parents.

 

[myhoneyswife]

Hmm, I lived with my parents until I got married at 20. I'm 23 now. I figured that when I was taking from them, i.e. living under their roof, they could make the rules and I could take them or leave them, but not listening to their rules would mean that I'd have to move out.

Personally, I'd move out somehow and then live your life how you want to. I plan on telling my own children that they are free to live here while going to school, but as long as I'm paying the bills, they must live by my rules. When they pay their own bills and have their own place, they can make their own rules

Eh, as far as ruining your realationship with your parents... Sometimes you have to cut strings and it may seem like you are ruining it, but you're not. They'll come around. Mine had a hissy fit when I moved out (not to mention was married!) and they couldn't tell me what to do any more, but after a year (and especially with a grandchild on the way now) they were totally fine.

Cara

 

[chinaKat]

You are going to have to choose: free ride and a free place to live, or personal freedom.

 

[MaryLang]

I'm 25, been married for 6yrs, and I think if my dd was 22 I would tell her I disapprove of her going. But 22 is old enough to make your own decisions, but their roof, money and rules IMO. So yes I would feel like this a decision that you need to make and accept the consequences, you may need to get out on your own if you decide to go against their wishes.

 

[Joannarachel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chinaKat You are going to have to choose: free ride and a free place to live, or personal freedom.

:

 

[SunShineSally]

I live with my mother I am only one year older than you. I have a 2 year old Ds and I have always lived with her. I only started to pay rent after Ds was born. When I was about 17 she stopped "telling me" what I "had" to do I was still in high school.If I could wake up in the morning and do what needed to be done then her only rule was that I let her know where I was and if I was going to be later than say 12am I had to call her and let her know (that is about the time she would go to sleep) and if she was sleeping when I got home I had to wake her up. she knew I had to make my own mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Yes I got in trouble but never caught

:

And we had more of a friendship than anythin else
The plan worked well because I always would let her know where I was more out of respect than anything else to this day if I go somewhere I tell her where and about when I would be back but again it is out of respect. Even though you live there and they pay for school you are an adult and should be treated like one. I would sit down with them and have a respectful cival adult conversation with them. You need your freedom even though they do this and that for you you are a person also. How can you grow and learn if you are not given the chance to? Again you are 22!!!!! some people have 4 kids by then!

 

[lunar forest]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chinaKat You are going to have to choose: free ride and a free place to live, or personal freedom.

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chinaKat You are going to have to choose: free ride and a free place to live, or personal freedom.

Another question. What's more important school being paid for, or a cruise?

I think if you truly want freedom. You will have to wait until you are free.

Sorry. I wish you could go. If my dd wanted to go on a cruise with her bf
when she is 22 I don't think it would enter my mind to tell her she couldn't.
Maybe if I really hated the guy I would have already talked to her about how
she deserved better. But at 22 it would be her choice how to spend her vacation.

Maybe try talking to them again. Wish I had more to share with you.

 

[Kidzaplenty]

Being a mom of a 16.5 year old (not quite the same age, but getting there), if she were living in MY house, then I would expect her to abide by my rules. It is against my convictions to have sex outside of marriage. You did not say whether or not this played into your problem, but I am just going to assume that it does.

I would be VERY uncomfortable with my daughter going on any overnight trips with a man that she was not married to. And if she was living with me at that time, and if I was paying her bills (or schooling) then I would tell her not to go. While my daughter is in my house, she is my responsiblity; both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I would trust her, but I also know how easy it is to get into a situation that you do not know how to get out of. By asking a single man to take a trip with a single woman, there is the apprearance of intamacy, whether or not it happens. And our convictions tell us that we should aviod all APPEARANCE of wrong.

However, if there were some ground rules laid out and some assurances made, I might be persuaded to allow my daughter to go. Although I am not sure, at this time.

I guess, I am just saying that, for me, I can understand where they are coming from. Just because you are an adult, does not make you any less their child. And perhaps they are only thinking of your well being.

 

[mysticmomma]

I feel like I need more of a back story here. Some parents really "dangle" things over your head because they are control freaks, or just can't let go. Others may not realize what they do. It's more important to me that my daughter TELL me things, than hide them because of my reaction. I guess I'm trying to figure out what your parents motive is. If it is the sex thing, I might say. I'm not sexually active, I'm not going to be sexually active. I'm 22, and you have raised me well enough to make good decisions. I am human, I will make mistakes, and hopefully will learn from them, not make the same one twice, and continue to have you for love and suport and guidance when i need it. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your parents, if I can do that, i can stand up to anyone. I'm going to go on this cruise, and hopefully, you can live with that.

YOu also may want to ask what will happen if you go.

 

[muckemom]

You're 22. Not 12. Do they really have a say in what you do in your spare time? I mean, I am a complete 180 from you (almost 22 with a one year old and have been married since i was 18) but still... I'll say it again, your 22.

 

[merrick]

I think your parents are being a bit nutty here. I was married and had a 2 year old when I was your age. You are an adult whether you are living in their house or not and it is your choice whether to become sexually active or not, whether to go on a cruise or not, etc. I guess I can kind of understand the argument, "my house, my rules", but I could never see actually enforcing that kind of rule on my kids. Unless it affected others in the houeshold, like drug use or smoking in the house, etc. At any rate, whatever you decide, I'm sure your relationship with your parents will not be damaged. This kind of thing is par for the course when children are growing up.

ANd honestly, even if you kept you from going on this trip, they have to know they cannot control whether you are sexually active or not. I had sex when I was seventeen and my boyfriend was sixteen. Neither of our parents knew about it and we were not allowed to be at each other's houses when our parents were not home. Bottom line, it's your choice, not theirs.

 

[midwifetx]

If you were my daughter, I would ask you not to go with someone you are involved in a romantic relationship with but not married to. Even with the best of intentions, the temptations will be enormous. It's not about not trusting you, though I can see how you might view it that way. They would not want him to sleep in your room at your house with them there nor would you expect them to, so they certainly don't want him sleeping in a room with you on a cruise ship.

You are an adult, and you do have to make your own decisions. Like many here, I was married and had a baby by the time I was 22. I certainly don't think you should be treated as a child. The questions I'm seeing here are, would taking this vacation be worth the familial strife and potential for temptation? How will you feel if you take this time with this man, and end up marying someone else? How would you feel discussing this trip with the man you marry or with your own children in the future? If the answer comes up with any kind of a check in your spirit, then the answer is clear. I hope that you will consider this prayerfully and pray that you allow the Lord to lead you and your boyfriend to make a decision that is good for your hearts and pleasing to the Lord.

 

[rapscallions]

i have no answers for you but did want to say i think it is incredibly sweet that you respect them enough to be posting online looking for advice from other moms... i don't have a daughter (three sons) but if i did, i'd want her to be like you. and from your mom's perspective, there is nothing wrong with her wanting to help you delay sex until you're married -- even if in today's society, with marriage coming later and contraception being much more reliable, it still is an admirable (though incredibly challenging) goal.

so maybe you could mention to your mom that you respect her deeply but were conflicted enough to post here. print out a few of the answers that speak to your heart. let her know that you understand where she is coming from, that you don't want to ruin your relationship with her and your dad but that you want to don't want to miss out on a great opportunity. has she definitely said you will have to move out if you go on the cruise? if you got married tomorrow would they let you go? on the flip side, would they want you to rush into marriage just so you could please them and "do the right thing?"

i don't admire that you have to put it on the line here, but it could be a chace for your relationship with your parents to grow. wishing you well!