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I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Sorry for the rambling.<br><br>
Mods, if there's a better place for this please move it.<br><br>
My DD is 3 months old. I keep finding myself going over my labor in my head and weighing my decisions and wondering what I could have done differently. I'm not angry. I don't feel steamrollered or betrayed by anyone. I feel like I didn't prepare enough or ask the right questions or argue when I should have. I just have regrets.<br><br>
I had wanted to use the Bradley Method. Unfortunately, the instructors we chose were idiots. I let my DH talk me into dropping out after the 5th class. I had read both Dr. Bradley's book and Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. DH promised he would read them too. That never happened so DH wasn't able to support me the way I wanted him to. He didn't do a bad job, just wasn't sure what he should be doing to help.<br><br><br>
My water broke at about 5:30am on a Sunday. I knew I had a MW appointment Mon at 10:40 am so, after calling the on-call dr. and being told it didn't sound like my water had broken, I decided to stay home and hope labor started on it's own. I had tested GBS+ so I didn't want to wait too awfully long.<br><br>
Sure enough, nothing happened and I went in to see the MW. I agreed to being induced. I was a crappy candidate for induction. Barely 1cm dilated, less than 50% effaced and my cervix was still way posterior. To make matters worse my blood pressure was scary high all of the sudden.<br><br>
Because of the pitocen and my BP my MW want the EFM on. Also my BP was so high that she didn't want me walking because she was afraid I'd pass out. Because of that #%[email protected] EFM I felt like every time I moved the nurse was in there because it had lost DD's heartbeat. I totally felt out of control and tied to the bed. Nothing I had planned was possible. To make matters worse DH wasn't there for the 1st 4 hours because I had the keys to his truck in my purse so we had to send my MIL to go pick him up. I wasn't even supposed to be at the hospital during this time in labor. I should have been at home with DH. Not tied to that @%#$ bed! <i>What if I hadn't agreed to the induction? Should I have fought the EFM harder?</i><br><br>
About 6 hours in my BP was down enough that the MW said if we used the internal monitor I could get up. I agreed even though I hadn't been crazy about the idea of the internal monitor. I figured it was worth it to be able to get out of the bed. I was 3cm and way postier. I can honestly say setting the contraction monitor is the most painful experience of my life to this point. It hurt so bad that I threw up. It was totally a reflex. The MW didn't want to set the baby monitor after that. So I was still tied to the bed. <i>Should I have argued with the MW and asked her to set the baby monitor, even if it hurt?</i><br><br>
I wound up asking for an epi about 10 hours in, after being checked and finding that I was just 3cm 80% effaced and still way postier. DH and my sister tried to remind me how much I wanted a natural birth. I didn't want to hear it. I was convinced I could do it.<i>Where did that come from? How could I be such a wuss? Why didn't I just take the EFM off and get up and rock or sway or do something? Why is the only thing I fought for the epi? What if I had held out just a bit longer? If we had kept going to the Bradley classes would DH have been able to support me better?</i><br><br>
So several hours after the epi nothing had changed. I'm starting to seriously fear c-section but the MW says shes ok with me laboring as long as I want to. But God I'm tired. I hate the epi as much as I hated the contractions. I hate still being stuck in that #[email protected]% bed and now on top of it my legs don't work. So at this point I'm scared as hell of the c-section but I'm starting to wonder if it wouldn't be for the best. DH and I prayed that my body would do what it needed and miraculously 30 min later I was ready to push. The thing is, I felt exactly the same kind of hopelessness 30 min before I was ready to push as I did when I insisted on the epi. <i>Did I miss an emotional signpost? If I had waited 30min could I have been pushing hours before?</i><br><br>
Pushing rocked. I loved pushing. I pushed for 30 min tops and dd slipped into the world with a whoosh.<br><br>
After DD was born I was so relieved to have escaped the c-section and so thrilled with DD that I wasn't bothered by any of this. I think I'm just now starting to process it. I find myself pondering it and feeling sad or guilty at odd times through the day. No one I know IRL gets it. My mom had a labor very similar to mine that ended in c-section. She's just thrilled that I avoided that. DH tries, but he just doesn't get what I'm upset about.<br><br>
I'm sitting here about to cry even though everything came out ok in the end. Am I crazy to feel this way? I don't know what I'm really looking for here. I just had to express this to someone I think.
 

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I, too, was strapped down by an EFM. It is still the part of my labor that I regret the most.<br><br>
I have tried to convince myself that it was necessary (I had pre-e). It still bothers me.<br><br>
However. I choose to focus on the fact that I had a natural birth. I pushed DS out with no pain meds, and didn't have a cesarean birth. It was still the proudest moment of my life.<br><br>
If I have another child, I will fight the EFM harder. I probably would have, at the time, If I hadn't been nearly to transition by the time I arrived at the hospital. You had it much rougher than I did.<br><br>
Birth is such a strange thing - for some of us, it can really define (to ourselves) who we are. Not having the exact birth that we want (I had planned a homebirth) can make us feel guilty/inadequate/like we did the wrong thing.<br><br>
My midwife always warned me that women are very suggestible in labor. We are stressed, and anytime the "health of the baby" is invoked, we are likely to do whatever our CP suggests to ensure the wellbeing of our child.<br><br>
I want ot both assure you that your feelings are natural, warranted, and okay, along with telling you that you did a great job of birthing your dd. If you can, focus on the fact that despite modern medicine's interventions, you were able to birth your dd all by yourself. It was YOU that birthed your dd. All of the other stuff that happened is in the dust. Bottom line, you, a very strong woman, birthed your daughter. Despite the fact that you were unable to change positions, or properly feel what was going on. Women who are able to birth vaginally with a epidural impress me very much - you have to be very intuitive to what your baby is doing, since you have trouble feeling.<br><br>
So, at the same time, feel free to mourn not having the exact birth that you wanted, but feel proud of youself for the birth that you had. You are uch a strong woman! I hope this helps.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I honestly understand how those feelings can come about later, and when you really let yourself thing of what was done and what was lost in that experience. I know it too well.<br><br>
It took me a long time to deal with the birth of my first child. And for a little while I was able to only focus on my ability to birth and how amazing the actual birth itself from my own body was.<br><br>
But then the reality of what I had experienced sank in, and I had a very hard time with it. I also didn't let myself fully process it for too long because it was so painful. Even though I had my "perfect" homebirth with the second, and all, I know that the trauma I hadn't dealt with about #1 affected my birth the 2nd time deeply. And made it much more difficult for me emotionally.<br><br>
You have every right to feel what you are feeling, and you shouldn't have to feel lucky to just have avoided a c-sec. There is still a lot there you may need to work through. I am so sorry your dh doesn't get it.<br><br>
My ex-dh didn't either, and I felt like I didn't have the right to really feel what I needed to feel about it.<br><br>
It's important you allow yourself the space and time and whatever resources you need to work through things.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> again.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I completely understand. I won't get into the details but I had a hospital vbac and I was so thrilled at the time that I actually did it and pushed my little boy into this world that nothing could have bothered me....then a few months later the depression sunk in, and it was my tied down labor and intervention after intervention with no reason for any of it. Just talk about it to people who understand or at least care. I tried talking about it to a few of my "pro-hospital do what they say" friends and it made it worse. I've developed friendships with some more "crunchy" friends and they have been better (and cheaper<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">) then a therapist. Good luck and keep working through it. It takes time.
 

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It sounds totally normal to me that these feelings wouldn't surface for 3 months. I had 'extenuating circumstances' around the birth of my first and felt so completely disappointed, esp in myself. Anytime in the first 2 years is fair game for these feelings to come up for the first time, IMO. it's good you're reaching out and dealing with them. I agree, it takes time to process.
 

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SOunds normal to me too. My first birth was mostly positive, but there were some things I was definitely unhappy with, but I didn't really think about them until weeks later. Nothing that happened during your labor was your fault. One thing that really stands out to me about your birth is that you had pretty much zero support and were put into this very medical scenario that few women could have made it through without a LOT of support. I would never give birth in a hospital again without a doula (well, at all, actually...but if I HAD to). Even really sensitive, involved dads who do all the reading (like mine) can get nervous or uncertain during labor. Your doula is your rock. Women in hospitals NEED that.
 

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I don't have time to say much, but I just wanted to let you know not to be too hard on yourself. You did what you could in the moment, and whatever happened that you regret or wonder about you can use as a learning experience for your next time.<br><br>
My first birth was similar and my second birth, a homebirth, was amazing. I just knew what I wanted and didn't want a lot more clearly so I could advocate better for myself.<br><br>
It's also very normal to feel this way. Give yourself some time and space <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I had to make a comment or two. You got swept up in the cycle and that can happen to anyone, no matter how well prepared.<br>
It is definitely NOT easy to refuse EFMing. It is one of the worst things about giving birth in the hospital and so much importance is put on it. However when you are induced it becomes more neccessary to keep a close eye on the babies heart rate.<br>
RE: being a wuss for taking an epi. Are you kidding? You are a champion for being on pit, strapped to a monitor, lying in bed without one. Pit contractions are brutal. It is VERY rare to see a person go through that kind of labour without an epidural. You could have had a natural birth in different cirumstances, but as soon as pit started your birth wasnt natural anymore. Sounds like you did absolutely AMAZINGLY in that situation.<br>
It is difficult and not-fun to refuse either induction or EFM or anything that goes along with it, I know this, I am a doula who works in a hospital. It sounds like you were pretty proactive and awesome. You did super well considering the situation, sounds like, by how quickly you dialated after the epidural, that you are a naturally good birther when you can relax, so dont worry. Now you know what you dont like and dont want, and know for the next birth. But I think you are champion.<br>
Its okay to not be satisfied with your birth experience, but know that you did super awesome.
 

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Any third trimester mother threatened with induction should always ask for a <a href="http://www.mother-care.ca/bishop.htm" target="_blank">bishop's score</a> and have the number explained in extreme detail to her so that the mother knows how ready her body really is.<br><br>
Also known as informed consent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you everyone for your replies! I'm working on processing this and you've helped by letting me know I'm not alone.<br><br>
I'm trying to look at this as a learning experience so my next labor is closer to what I want. Kind of like an athlete after a big game.<br><br>
I already know I need to learn more about when an induction is necessary and when it is not, especially after the water breaks. I was also totally unprepared for the high blood pressure since my bp had been really good through the pregnancy.<br><br>
I'll also be having a serious discussion with my DH. I think once I tell him how much I need his active support during labor that he'll do better. I'll also be more insistent about him preparing. If he's not willing or on board, then I'll ask my sister to be there as a labor coach.<br><br>
I hate that the Bradley instructors were such idiots. They really turned my husband off to un-medicated birth rather than the other way around.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sage.Naissance</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11580541"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I had to make a comment or two. You got swept up in the cycle and that can happen to anyone, no matter how well prepared.<br>
It is definitely NOT easy to refuse EFMing. It is one of the worst things about giving birth in the hospital and so much importance is put on it. However when you are induced it becomes more neccessary to keep a close eye on the babies heart rate.<br>
RE: being a wuss for taking an epi. Are you kidding? You are a champion for being on pit, strapped to a monitor, lying in bed without one. Pit contractions are brutal. It is VERY rare to see a person go through that kind of labour without an epidural. You could have had a natural birth in different cirumstances, but as soon as pit started your birth wasnt natural anymore. Sounds like you did absolutely AMAZINGLY in that situation.<br>
It is difficult and not-fun to refuse either induction or EFM or anything that goes along with it, I know this, I am a doula who works in a hospital. It sounds like you were pretty proactive and awesome. You did super well considering the situation, sounds like, by how quickly you dialated after the epidural, that you are a naturally good birther when you can relax, so dont worry. Now you know what you dont like and dont want, and know for the next birth. But I think you are champion.<br>
Its okay to not be satisfied with your birth experience, but know that you did super awesome.</div>
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</tr></table></div>
Thank you. Your comments were particularly encouraging. I'll be seriously considering having a doula next time.<br><br>
Thanks again.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>applejuice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11580762"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Any third trimester mother threatened with induction should always ask for a <a href="http://www.mother-care.ca/bishop.htm" target="_blank">bishop's score</a> and have the number explained in extreme detail to her so that the mother knows how ready her body really is.<br><br>
Also known as informed consent.</div>
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</tr></table></div>
My Bishop score was -1 according to that link. (started /w 1 then subtract a point each for postdates and prolonged rupture of membranes) I knew I was a bad candidate for induction, but I didn't realize it was that bad. So that site said we should have done cervical ripening with prostaglandins. The MW said we couldn't use something (forget the name now) but couldn't because I was contracting regularly. The contractions were every few min. but so gentle I couldn't feel them at all.<br><br>
Knowing that doesn't change the fact that I had been ruptured for over 24 hours at that point and that I was GBS+ So what should have been done?
 
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