I'll start by saying we had a very busy day and both my DSs are dog tired and have been overstimulated, so i was expecting and preparing mentally for some meltdowns... I have been exhausted, so i know they are! and I wish i could prevent it for all of us... but well... single parenting just doesnt allow that sometimes!
anyway--- all of these questions are in regards to my older son (almost 4)... I feel confident that I am heading in the right direction with him, but i'm wanting some fresh ideas!
situation #1) He gets mad and screams. LOUD!!! I mean to the point where it's silent because it's so high pitched and so loud. The windows and wine glasses seem to rattle.... (also it makes ds2 cry)... this used to be a trigger for *my* anger, but it isnt anymore. However he is doing it more and more.... (I'd showed him how to growl instead, but thats just not enough right now i guess...)
BUT if someone were walking by (especially because its warmer and the windows are often open) it sounds like youre killing him because he's shrieking so intensely.... The main example of this started over virtually nothing tonight.... i was the fridge and he was playing with the broom behind me and swung it around (and hit me accidentally), then he dropped it on the ground. I closed the fridge and picked up the broom and stood it back up against the wall. I wasnt angry, or upset at all. im definitely used to getting bumped into and picking things up... i just didnt think anything about it.... definitely no bad mama vibes sent his way from that. but he was apparently VERY mad because I "took the broom away" and because he still wanted in the fridge...... (i tried to reassure him that he could still play with it and that if he wanted something out of the fridge, we could look again.. no big deal).... like i said, he's just exhausted and it was already way past his normal bed time (my fault not his!).... but it was too late.... he was already mad and the shrieking started and lasted for a good 10 minutes.
I remember thinking i hope my neighbors arent outside listening to this. If I heard a kid screaming like that I would call the police! I sat down next to him on the ground, speaking to him very (and sincerely) sympathetically (i feel guilty because i know i pushed him past his limits today and set us all up for breakdowns like this). anyway he eventually calmed himself down... mama and baby got a good hug and he went off cheerfully.
i dont believe in trying to stop tantrums, but there has to be a way to help him tone it down a little right? i know he needs to get that frustration/anger/stress/whatever out, but i dont want shrieking like that regularly to become a habit and his way of dealing with anger (which is starting to happen) it's one thing for it to happen at home, but i dont think i have ever seen a child his age have outbursts like that in public... it would definitely draw LOTS of negative attention! much more than just a "normal" tantrum (and those are bad enough when dealing with strangers!)
*****
situation #2) he also kicks when he starts screaming like this. not usually at people although he did kick me in the shins today and swung around and hit me in the mouth while he was flailing (not sure if that was on purpose or not) again i know he's tired today, and the poor thing has been dealing with hostile people from all sides lately so I'm trying to be really understanding about why he is acting this way. when he started kicking about a month ago he would get mad and kick tables, walls, doors whatever (not people). I was successful in transforming those into stomps and couch punching and clenched fists. I'm working hard to help him learn more appropriate ways to vent his anger. but the last few days and especially today he is kicking EVERYTHING (and ONLY kicking (and screaming)...not using the other methods at all). and some of this stuff is really dangerous---- like the glass storm door, the oven, and other breakable things like that. (and things he really CANT kick, like cars in parking lots, and the computer tower... etc) The more i try to redirect him the faster and harder he kicks things (like i said he eventually directed them at ME!)
I have NO idea how to handle that! I picked him up a few times today and moved him to the center of the room away from whatever item was the problem... but hed just get madder and go right back... i dont like the idea of physically restraining him but i dont know how to stop it... im hoping to get some good UP/CL suggestions for this???
****
and situation #3) I run an in-home daycare. DS is usually very calm, cool, and collected (especially for his age). but like i said, he is having a rough time lately for a LOT of reasons (another post in itself that i am still working on). thankfully he really hasnt had any huge blowups in front of other people (he really hasnt had THAT many total) but i was meeting with some prospective parents tonight when he started on his downward spiral. he often acts out (i know for attention) when other adults are around (EVERY time one of the daycare dads picks up his son, DS is bouncing off the walls hyper and/or eventually melting down a little). this behavior is more mild, but more common in front of other people.... he is usually a dream to be around when its just us, or just us and the other kids, but when he does melt down for me its WAY worse on the scale (hence the other situations)
anyway im just not sure how to keep from being seen as permissive with "bad behavior" I ultimately really dont care because i know there are underlying issues wiht my ds and we are working through it all for a more gentle loving home.... with most people ive just decided to not give a flip about what they think, but if my daycare parents end up having a problem with it (and almost all of them do have different philosphies)--- well thats my income.
comments????
thanks
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anyway--- all of these questions are in regards to my older son (almost 4)... I feel confident that I am heading in the right direction with him, but i'm wanting some fresh ideas!
situation #1) He gets mad and screams. LOUD!!! I mean to the point where it's silent because it's so high pitched and so loud. The windows and wine glasses seem to rattle.... (also it makes ds2 cry)... this used to be a trigger for *my* anger, but it isnt anymore. However he is doing it more and more.... (I'd showed him how to growl instead, but thats just not enough right now i guess...)
BUT if someone were walking by (especially because its warmer and the windows are often open) it sounds like youre killing him because he's shrieking so intensely.... The main example of this started over virtually nothing tonight.... i was the fridge and he was playing with the broom behind me and swung it around (and hit me accidentally), then he dropped it on the ground. I closed the fridge and picked up the broom and stood it back up against the wall. I wasnt angry, or upset at all. im definitely used to getting bumped into and picking things up... i just didnt think anything about it.... definitely no bad mama vibes sent his way from that. but he was apparently VERY mad because I "took the broom away" and because he still wanted in the fridge...... (i tried to reassure him that he could still play with it and that if he wanted something out of the fridge, we could look again.. no big deal).... like i said, he's just exhausted and it was already way past his normal bed time (my fault not his!).... but it was too late.... he was already mad and the shrieking started and lasted for a good 10 minutes.
I remember thinking i hope my neighbors arent outside listening to this. If I heard a kid screaming like that I would call the police! I sat down next to him on the ground, speaking to him very (and sincerely) sympathetically (i feel guilty because i know i pushed him past his limits today and set us all up for breakdowns like this). anyway he eventually calmed himself down... mama and baby got a good hug and he went off cheerfully.
i dont believe in trying to stop tantrums, but there has to be a way to help him tone it down a little right? i know he needs to get that frustration/anger/stress/whatever out, but i dont want shrieking like that regularly to become a habit and his way of dealing with anger (which is starting to happen) it's one thing for it to happen at home, but i dont think i have ever seen a child his age have outbursts like that in public... it would definitely draw LOTS of negative attention! much more than just a "normal" tantrum (and those are bad enough when dealing with strangers!)
*****
situation #2) he also kicks when he starts screaming like this. not usually at people although he did kick me in the shins today and swung around and hit me in the mouth while he was flailing (not sure if that was on purpose or not) again i know he's tired today, and the poor thing has been dealing with hostile people from all sides lately so I'm trying to be really understanding about why he is acting this way. when he started kicking about a month ago he would get mad and kick tables, walls, doors whatever (not people). I was successful in transforming those into stomps and couch punching and clenched fists. I'm working hard to help him learn more appropriate ways to vent his anger. but the last few days and especially today he is kicking EVERYTHING (and ONLY kicking (and screaming)...not using the other methods at all). and some of this stuff is really dangerous---- like the glass storm door, the oven, and other breakable things like that. (and things he really CANT kick, like cars in parking lots, and the computer tower... etc) The more i try to redirect him the faster and harder he kicks things (like i said he eventually directed them at ME!)
I have NO idea how to handle that! I picked him up a few times today and moved him to the center of the room away from whatever item was the problem... but hed just get madder and go right back... i dont like the idea of physically restraining him but i dont know how to stop it... im hoping to get some good UP/CL suggestions for this???
****
and situation #3) I run an in-home daycare. DS is usually very calm, cool, and collected (especially for his age). but like i said, he is having a rough time lately for a LOT of reasons (another post in itself that i am still working on). thankfully he really hasnt had any huge blowups in front of other people (he really hasnt had THAT many total) but i was meeting with some prospective parents tonight when he started on his downward spiral. he often acts out (i know for attention) when other adults are around (EVERY time one of the daycare dads picks up his son, DS is bouncing off the walls hyper and/or eventually melting down a little). this behavior is more mild, but more common in front of other people.... he is usually a dream to be around when its just us, or just us and the other kids, but when he does melt down for me its WAY worse on the scale (hence the other situations)
anyway im just not sure how to keep from being seen as permissive with "bad behavior" I ultimately really dont care because i know there are underlying issues wiht my ds and we are working through it all for a more gentle loving home.... with most people ive just decided to not give a flip about what they think, but if my daycare parents end up having a problem with it (and almost all of them do have different philosphies)--- well thats my income.
comments????
thanks
