Mothering Forum banner

1 - 1 of 1 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,340 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>This must be the most common issue in history, but I am looking for some guidance on how to deal with some specific behaviors. DS1 is going to be 3 in less than a month, and DS2 is 10 weeks. I am nursing DS1 2-3 times per day (sometimes when he gets home he forgets he wants to nurse). Before DS2 came along, DS1 was very attached to me (well, he still is), we coslept, he always wants me when something happens, etc., etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now that DS2 is here, he has now accepted his father for a lot of substitute activities, which is great, and did not happen without a little/lot of crying. However, he has a persistent behavior that I am not sure what to do about. Whenever the baby starts to cry, and I go to him, DS1 clings to me, sometimes literally, sometimes just following me. When I pick up the baby, he starts to whine, "I don't want you to hold the baby," or "I want you to put the baby down," or "I want Papa to hold the baby." For a while, my approach was to say, "you don't want me to hold the baby. It feels like I hold the baby a lot. You want me to hold you," etc. In other words, trying to validate the emotion. Well, this approach does not seem to be helping. He just keeps doing it, over and over. It happens during the day from time to time, though he's in day care most of the day, and DH is here other times so we can deal with it. A couple of times, I said, "I'm tired of hearing you say that." This is the only other "approach" I have tried (or shall I say, lost my patience to).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It has also happened at night. We still cosleep, and poor DS2 has been stuck in the other room so that they won't wake each other up. We started with baby in the room with us, and had the nightmare of them waking each other up. Then, I started sleeping in the other room with the baby, but DS1 started waking up frequently in the night finding I was not there. After he started waking 3-4 times a night, screaming for me, we decided I would go back to cosleeping with him as long as he didn't scream. (that was the condition we told him). Now, he's gone back to only one waking at about 5 or so, where he asks to nurse, even though he's been weaned from that session for 6 weeks. Often the scream fest ensues here, but that's a topic for another thread. If, when he happens to be awake, the baby wakes up and I have to go to him, DS1 puts up a screamfest again, saying he doesn't want me to hold the baby, clinging, etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, last night, for example, it was 6.30 pm, and baby was crying. DH had been handling it for a while but got frustrated, and asked me to take over. I went in to soothe the baby, and DS1 follows me in with the "I don't want you to hold the baby." He said it about 3 times before I responded, and then I simply said, "you don't want me to hold the baby. I hear you. You don't want me to hold the baby." Then he said, "Mama, I want you to put the baby down." All the time, he is whining and yelling, not just talking. He says it again, and again, and again. Whining, whining. It takes so much to not lose your patience! Then, finally, DH comes in and says, "I've had enough whining!", physically picks him up, and takes him out of the room to the bathroom where he is to have a bath. DH did a great job not losing his patience -- started to play with the toys in the bathtub as DS1 is screaming, "I want mama, I want mama..." The screaming lasted about 10 minutes, and then he got interested in what his dad was doing and moved on. (in all fairness, yesterday was an all-time winner for whining all day, and he was getting over being sick)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, I just don't get it. GD says to validate feelings, right? And, I guess the jealous feelings may never go away, right? So how do I stop this whining and negative behavior? How do I get him to understand and accept that sometimes baby needs me, I'm just in the other room, that I also give time to DS1 and that it's all okay? I have explained this in calm moments on numerous occasions, and it just does not seem to be getting us anywhere. What am I missing?</p>
 
1 - 1 of 1 Posts
Top