[lincap]

nak

I have a very sensitive just turned 3 year old. I am not sure how to handle this issue- he seems to have low self esteem. He refuses to look at himself in a mirror (when brushing teeth) and often says in a mad tone "I AM NOT CHARLIE!"

I don't know why or how to address this issue. I asked him why he didn't want to look in the mirror and he says "its scary". I just have been letting him face to the side while doing teeth, so he doesn't have to look inthe mirror.

There are time when he does "pretend" and is someone else...but when he says he is not charlie he seems so distant. I will ask "who are you" and he will either growl at me, say "nothing" or make up a name like "plee plaw beep ba".

He also hates it when people compliment him, he will just say "I am not handsome" "I am not good" etc etc.. he will say "I am bad bad bad".

He is not very friendly with strangers (I know that can be good) but in a store if someone in line says "hello there! looks like you have a nice truck on your shirt!" he says something like "i am not your friend" or just growls, all the while looking down and making a face. So I just say "oh he is tired/hungry/ some excuse". Sometimes they will go on to say "oh what a mad face" and he will lose it and growl a tthem or just drop to the ground or say "I want to go home NOW".

He is home with me, we do a pre-school co-op once a week but I am with him. I don't know how to address this issue. Not sure what started this.. not sure where to go with it.

He is a smart kid (I know everyone says that about their kid) but he is very verbal and has an incredible memory. Since starting co-op he has a bit of a hitting problem.

Any ideas?

 

[lincap]

bump

anyone?

 

[Porcelain Interior]

Hmmm maybe it isn't low self esteem but just extreme shyness? Some of those things my little brother did and he just was excruciatingly self conscious and would get gruff if anyone drew attention to himself.

And maybe the mirror thing is that you are standing right there watching which makes him self conscious?

I don't like looking in a mirror AT myself with other people in the room. It feels strange.

 

[TXmommy2be]

Is this a new behavior, or something he's always done?

 

[AllisonR]

Linda, hugs to your DS.

My DS is always a bit cautious, very shy and definetly not overly confident. Not always the best combination. Periods between 2.5 and 3.5 were pretty bad - scuffing feet, looking down, mumbling... I did a lot of affirmative talking at home, trying to be concrete and specific as well. Like telling him how handsome he is and pointing out a specific detail, what a great drawing because of xyz, how sharing x with DD was so generous of him.... He first started saying no I'm not, but I wore him down!

This maybe helped a bit, because he could hear this from me, kwim? If a stranger or even acquaintance said any of the same things, he would have hated it, and/or denied it.

I also have learned to respect his boundaries and personality better. For example, he hates new, big groups. Used to make me upset that all these other kids his age or even younger would just get together and start playing and my DS would be hiding between my legs. I tried to push him into playing as well, and that only backfired and made him more frightened. Then a light bulb went on and I just accepted, as much as possible. When we were in a new, big group, I would let him totally hid and even support him with hugs and affection and whatever he needed, or even ask if he wanted to leave. After doing this consistently for a decent time, he started having a better time. I think him having the real support he needed helped his confidence, and over time he really improved. He is 4 now, and he still isn't going to be the first to jump into a group, but he may warm up in 10 minutes as opposed to 45 or never, and he can assert his opinion around people he knows, instead of just mumbling....

I also have to add that DS entered the world in a really hard way. And from the beginning, it was like he was asking "is the world OK? Will it be OK for me?" My DD entered the world and right away knew the world was absolutely OK and that she was the center of it. Just a huge difference in personality. Same parents, same home... but wow, so different. I guess what I am saying is you can't change personality, you have to accept it however it is, but you can support it and try to very gently nudge it in a positive direction.

Maybe he wishes he were someone else so that he can get rid of the parts of himself he doesn't like? What specific things does he not like? Can you find out? And if so, can you work on increasing his confidence in these areas?

OT? I didn't understand your tagline. If Charlie eats nuts.... he will die? Am I misreading, or is it this serious? If so, do you think somehow this could be affecting his esteem?

 

[lincap]

ok.. lots to think about. DS's pedi mentioned it being shyness todya when I asked him. He said watch him, respect him and keep my eye on it.

Quote:
Maybe he wishes he were someone else so that he can get rid of the parts of himself he doesn't like? What specific things does he not like? Can you find out? And if so, can you work on increasing his confidence in these areas?

OT? I didn't understand your tagline. If Charlie eats nuts.... he will die? Am I misreading, or is it this serious? If so, do you think somehow this could be affecting his esteem? quote

VERY interesting. Charlie is an extemely seriously allergic little boy. if he touches someone who has eated dairy he will get hives. His allergist said: "he doesn't have Life threatening food allergies, he has Fatal food allergies". We have Epi-Pens that we carry everywhere in case he comes into contact with those foods. Another allergy specialist said looking at his skin prick test results for milk looks like an Epi-Pen may not be enough to save his life if he injests milk or milk products.

We need to teach him to be cautious of being near people who eat, and ask people to wash hands before playing with us. Thta must have a huge effect on him.. it is just part of our life now, so sometimes I don't even "see" it anymore... keeping him away from food and only playing with people I trust are part of our daily routine.

I try not to let him be aware of siome situations because he is little and i don't want him worrying. He knows about his allergies, he knows he always has to ask me or DH if food or drink is ok to eat.But he does not know we can't go to restaurants, other peoples homes, because it is just not part of what we do.. he does not know that no pre-school I talked to will make proper accomodations for him.. he doesn't know that he will be homeschooled so he doesn't die in school.. BUT maybe he can sense it from us.

I am going to be working with a woman to help me get through handling living wtih a special needs child.

I will try respecting him more, ig he doesn't want to play with the playgroup not force it... if he doesn't want to say Hi to a lady at church.. let it go and support him. I

Thanks for the thoughts...
Linda

 

[LynnS6]

A couple of book suggestions:

The Highly Sensitive Child
The Emotional Life of the Toddler (I know he's a bit beyond toddlerhood, but there's a really good description in there of the sensitive/cautious/fearful child that might help you with your son)
The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child

At least your son growls at people. At this age, my ds wouldn't even acknowledge their existence. At 7, we've worked all the way up to monosyllabic replies!

 

[AllisonR]

Wow Linda. Hugs to your guy. I almost didn't post that, thinking I was misunderstanding your tagline.

Now, IMO, if this is your child's reality that he can not just go up to whomever he wants and he can not ever pick up a snack someone is handing out at the store.... and this is his reality, then his comments like "I am not your friend" are completely normal. I'd even say he is well-balanced and being realistic and practical, and expressing himself well.

FWIW, I would not make excuses like he is tired/hungry/whatever. He KNOWS what it is, and you hiding it only tells him he has some dirty little secret he must keep hidden. Not a good message for self-esteem. (I say this as a woman who had adolescent seizures and the message my parents tried to send was there was nothing wrong with me, but comments like I should be grateful to my brother and sister for not telling people gave me a much different message.) I am not in your shoes, so I am not sure how I would phrase it, maybe you can ask in SN? But "my son has severe allergies" is the honest truth, not tired/hungry/whatever.

Will he grow out of some of his allergies, or is this for life?

 

[flapjack]

We have a similar issue with Isaac. In our case, I believe that some of his behaviour is linked to his allergies, asthma, eczema and general "off-balanceness" that he experiences. I'm not saying that removing dairy or anything else from his diet will fix it: I'm saying that I'm considering that on a genetic level my Isaac might be hardwired to be less confident and act out a bit.

In your shoes, I'd start the family on therapy sessions now. You're raising a child with an allergy so serious that it could kill him, and that is going to be a hard truth for him to face as he grows. He is going to be irrevocably marked in his mind as different, and there are probably going to come points on his journey where he can't talk to you about this.

BUT, saying that: I'm saying this because I know how hard it's been for Isaac growing up with asthma and allergies, and I know some of the stuff you've been through with Charlie already. ALL of this sounds like it's well within the range of normal 3yo behaviour to me. Not desirable 3yo behaviour, true, but normal.