[bass chick]

DS1 is almost 3. He has been more and more talking back at me, refusing to do what I ask him to (pick up toys with me, go get your blanket because we are leaving, come to the table it's supper) and yelling at me "NO!!" Or "NO! You do it!!"<br><br>
How do I deal with his defiance? I was raised that if I talked back to my parents like that I would have gotten a spanking and have to sit in my room for a while. I feel like I am raising a brat. Other 3 year olds that I know don't talk to their parents like that, but they raise their kids with the "I'm the boss, you're just the kid" attitude.<br>
Today I dragged him to his room and shut the door because I was ready to hit him and every time he screamed and yelled at me my baby would get scared and cry. I just don't know how to deal with this.<br>
Should I totally ignore him? Quietly trying to explain to him that we don't yell at each other doesn't work - he just gets more mad and I end up yelling at him. I do sometimes yell at him when I have to ask him over and over again to help clean up or whatever. I don't think I should have to ask him over and over again. It makes me angry and I end up yelling because I have no other tools and I don't know how to drive my point home. And honestly, I know he has learned it (yelling) from me. How do I undo this, and how do I deal with his yelling and defiance? And how do I deal with it in front of other people so they don't think ds is a brat?

 

[Suki Lu]

I'm seeing this with my 2.5 year old and would love to hear more replies!

 

[SteffM]

It is happening with my oldest two. DD is going to be 5 in two months and DS1 is 2.5 years. I don't have the answer, I hope that someone does. I think they may just be testing boundaries to see what they can get away with. It is making me crazy. ((((HUGS))))!

 

[Jessy1019]

I find tht the less I yell, the less dd yells. I still have a hard time with yelling, though . . . it's my first reaction when I get frustrated and I work really hard to avoid it.<br><br>
I'm not comfortable with ignoring, but I will not help her if she's been rude/yelled at me to do something for her. To me, that's a natural consequence. I just explain that I don't like to be treated that way and I will do xy or z when she is able to request my help without yelling.

 

[thismama]

Hmm. I will preface yet another post with my "I'm not the most GD person here" disclaimer. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But it sounds like you don't have tools to deal with your kiddo and so you are feeling powerless and your yelling at him comes from that.<br><br>
ITA with you that yelling at him is not great, and probably teaches him the exact thing you are trying to avoid - yelling!<br><br>
I would implement some consequences. If you ask him to pick up his toys and he refuses and yells for you to do it, what happens? Do you pick up the toys?<br><br>
I would suggest doing it with him, helping him do it. If he doesn't want to right away, agree on a time (in 10 minutes, for example). It can be overwhelming for 3 year olds to approach doing a big task like that alone. Mine gets distracted and starts playing with the toys and the whole task gets derailed. I have to help her do it to keep her on track, in fact I do most of it and I'm happy with that as long as she is working with me in some capacity on the task.<br><br>
If he totally refuses to help with the toys, and starts yelling and screaming at you about it, well that's where I move on to the parent imposed consequences. I'd explain calmly that if he is unable to help pick up the toys, the toys are going away for a few days. Give him another chance to help, and then take the stuff he has left out and put it on a high shelf somewhere for a day or two.<br><br>
Also remember that just because your parents expected things from you, and punished you with spankings etc for not complying, doesn't make it right. I think we can tend to do what our parents did out of rote, or because we minimize the pain caused by their 'punishments.'<br><br>
The whole 'I'm the boss, you're just the kid' thing might look pretty on the outside, but I think it's really bad for kids and for the parent-child relationship. Ask yourself if that is how you want your relationship with your son to be? I think there can be a middle ground, where the parent gets respected without the child being demeaned. Kwim?<br><br>
I think you need to a) reduce your expectations that he will cooperate every time and take on big tasks alone, and b) find some tools so that you don't feel so helpless in dealing with him.

 

[lanamommyphd07]

Transition cues: I've noticed that a lot of kids this age tend to do better with a cue, such as "a few more minutes to play then time to go!" or "almost time for dinner, Bobby". Sometimes parents are a little sudden in their demands. It would be like a dh telling you to get out of the shower RIGHT NOW, yelling, because he wants you to pick up your underwear off the floor. 3 yo's are learning so fast and so constantly, yours could be "in the middle of something".<br><br>
Setting up for good behavior:<br>
"I need a helper, anyone want to be my helper?" I need a squash-squisher. Okay, now that's fun to a 3 year old. mashing a bowl of squash with our hands can't be beat. but there is still a choice to be a helper or not. When it's that enticing to help, it feels good to the kid, it's fun, and after mommy is sooooo grateful for the helping. (But then if kid does not help, no problem, it was his choice, just needs more opportunities for the set up.)<br><br>
hanging out:<br>
It's so important at that age especially to get on down on the floor and play. Not only is it fun, it gets you closer into what the world is like from his perspective. It will also keep you from becoming the "god" in the house who runs the show by ordering everyone around (just a guess because your fam of origin sounds like mine was--a battleship)<br><br>
little steps: do commands now and then that you KNOW child is already about to do--like, kid has one cookie--loves em--you give him one more cookie and say "I would like you to eat this cookie too" and then a follow up: I'm very pleased that you did like I asked you to. Holy cow, compliance is wonderful!<br><br>
the trick always is making the setups for success unimportant things --that way you can keep your cool and practice your nonchalant attitude if he doesn't engage with them. Like--setting up for success in the toy aisle at the grocery might not be the easiest place--you really WOULD need him to leave soon.