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This is my first time posting here. I am really at my wit's end. I have been reading the posts about 'terrible' 3's and such, but I really need some specific advice on how to parent my children in an age appropriate and gentle way. My son is 3 (born in Jan.), very verbal, very emotionally aware, can be very sweet, and also very energetic and focused. My daughter is just 1 yr old, very gentle, generally very content, but has learned that her brother touching her often leads to her being hurt, so she will cry/protest when he touches her, even if it is to try to help her.
Before my daughter was born my son was around lots of babies, and he was very gentle with them, stroking faces and hands. After my daughter was born he started being aggressive towards her, hitting her when she was a newborn (he was just 2 yrs old), leaning on her/hugging her too hard (we figured out this was because he didn't know it hurt her, and he didn't know what leaning was). We were pretty surprised, as he had been gentle with other babies before. He didn't seem jealous - he really loved her, was at her homebirth, never talked about her going away or anything like that - but he seemed to want to get some sort of reaction out of her, and as a newborn all she could do was cry. So this started a pattern of aggression, and for the past year my husband and and I have been trying all sorts of interventions, starting with short, very supervised touching/stroking times when she was an infant, a little song to sing when this time was over as that's when he'd often hit her, and developing into time outs, talks about not hurting other people, taking away toys that he has used to try to hurt her, saying he can take out frustrations on his baby dolly and other things like this. Also, of course, if we see something hurtful coming we either physically or verbally intervene, which has varying degrees of success.
He now takes toys away from her, pushes her sometimes sort of accidentally sort of on purpose, kicks her if his feet are too close, and lies on top of her which she really, really hates, along with other similar behaviours that often end up hurting, including sometimes throwing toys.
I am a stay at home mom, so we are together all day long, often without other adults or kids. It has been a VERY long winter (I live in the Arctic) and I know my 3 yr old needs more physical activity than he has been getting. The problem right now is that I am 6 months pregnant and I can't lift my daughter or push her in a stroller without injuring my pregnant belly. We are basically stuck inside because of this handicap unless someone comes over to help us. I tried to hire someone to help me, but she is very unreliable and just got another job.
I am really at the end of my patience for his aggressive behaviour. Something has to change. I never wanted to 'spank' (hit) my children, but lately I have been getting so mad when he hurts his sister, particularly when he does something very dangerous (like he threw a big truck right near her face), that I lose it and hit him on the bum when I am angry. I always apologize after, and make him say sorry too for what he did, but I know that hitting him is not the way for me to deal with this. I am feeling really affected by pregnancy hormones this time around, and I think I am dealing with some depression, which I know doesn't help the situation.
This morning my son came into my room, and when I wouldn't get up right away (his sister was sleeping next to me) he hit me in the face. Hard. He hasn't done this before, not since he was a lot younger and couldn't really tell the difference between patting and hitting. I actually kept my cool, told him this was unacceptable and he had to go to the other bedroom and stay there. I think this was sort of the last straw for me, a sign that something has to change. Although now that I am writing this I wonder if his hitting me has something to with my hitting him on the bum recently.
Anyway, I put him in a long time out (about 1/2 hour), with a baby gate across the door of the bedroom so he couldn't get out. We had a talk at the end where I made him repeat everything I said, about not hurting people in our family, and that no one in our family should get hurt. We've had these talks before. I'm wondering if I should do more of these long time outs (he cries, and asks to come out, and gets really upset, so it has an impact. He always says, "I don't want to be lonely" so that's why I'm thinking the best discipline might be that if he hurts someone he can't be around the family anymore).
Any thoughts? Suggestions? I know this is a really long time out for a 3 yr old, but he just doesn't seem to get it with the three minute ones. And I really can't take my 1 yr old getting hurt anymore. She doesn't do anything to provoke him, but I have a feeling that if this continues she might start. And I can't, can't hit him again. I know it's wrong, and I feel really badly for the few times it's happened.
Sorry this post is so long - thanks for reading!
Before my daughter was born my son was around lots of babies, and he was very gentle with them, stroking faces and hands. After my daughter was born he started being aggressive towards her, hitting her when she was a newborn (he was just 2 yrs old), leaning on her/hugging her too hard (we figured out this was because he didn't know it hurt her, and he didn't know what leaning was). We were pretty surprised, as he had been gentle with other babies before. He didn't seem jealous - he really loved her, was at her homebirth, never talked about her going away or anything like that - but he seemed to want to get some sort of reaction out of her, and as a newborn all she could do was cry. So this started a pattern of aggression, and for the past year my husband and and I have been trying all sorts of interventions, starting with short, very supervised touching/stroking times when she was an infant, a little song to sing when this time was over as that's when he'd often hit her, and developing into time outs, talks about not hurting other people, taking away toys that he has used to try to hurt her, saying he can take out frustrations on his baby dolly and other things like this. Also, of course, if we see something hurtful coming we either physically or verbally intervene, which has varying degrees of success.
He now takes toys away from her, pushes her sometimes sort of accidentally sort of on purpose, kicks her if his feet are too close, and lies on top of her which she really, really hates, along with other similar behaviours that often end up hurting, including sometimes throwing toys.
I am a stay at home mom, so we are together all day long, often without other adults or kids. It has been a VERY long winter (I live in the Arctic) and I know my 3 yr old needs more physical activity than he has been getting. The problem right now is that I am 6 months pregnant and I can't lift my daughter or push her in a stroller without injuring my pregnant belly. We are basically stuck inside because of this handicap unless someone comes over to help us. I tried to hire someone to help me, but she is very unreliable and just got another job.
I am really at the end of my patience for his aggressive behaviour. Something has to change. I never wanted to 'spank' (hit) my children, but lately I have been getting so mad when he hurts his sister, particularly when he does something very dangerous (like he threw a big truck right near her face), that I lose it and hit him on the bum when I am angry. I always apologize after, and make him say sorry too for what he did, but I know that hitting him is not the way for me to deal with this. I am feeling really affected by pregnancy hormones this time around, and I think I am dealing with some depression, which I know doesn't help the situation.
This morning my son came into my room, and when I wouldn't get up right away (his sister was sleeping next to me) he hit me in the face. Hard. He hasn't done this before, not since he was a lot younger and couldn't really tell the difference between patting and hitting. I actually kept my cool, told him this was unacceptable and he had to go to the other bedroom and stay there. I think this was sort of the last straw for me, a sign that something has to change. Although now that I am writing this I wonder if his hitting me has something to with my hitting him on the bum recently.
Anyway, I put him in a long time out (about 1/2 hour), with a baby gate across the door of the bedroom so he couldn't get out. We had a talk at the end where I made him repeat everything I said, about not hurting people in our family, and that no one in our family should get hurt. We've had these talks before. I'm wondering if I should do more of these long time outs (he cries, and asks to come out, and gets really upset, so it has an impact. He always says, "I don't want to be lonely" so that's why I'm thinking the best discipline might be that if he hurts someone he can't be around the family anymore).
Any thoughts? Suggestions? I know this is a really long time out for a 3 yr old, but he just doesn't seem to get it with the three minute ones. And I really can't take my 1 yr old getting hurt anymore. She doesn't do anything to provoke him, but I have a feeling that if this continues she might start. And I can't, can't hit him again. I know it's wrong, and I feel really badly for the few times it's happened.
Sorry this post is so long - thanks for reading!
